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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 12:48 AM

Please post a delivery address ASAP. I have some snake food and emergency reptile supplies saved to my Amazon cart to ensure the future blessings of the Holy Service Serpents.
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 01:02 AM

Sorry, I seem to have wandered a little ways off Plantation Road. I'm over on route 19 now, inside the Chik-Fil-A. I'm feeling much clearer now that I've had a slice of pie moment to pray to Jesus and ask Him to forgive me for all the trouble I've caused. I'm waiting here for you to come get me.



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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 01:22 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Sorry, I seem to have wandered a little ways off Plantation Road. I'm over on route 19 now, inside the Chik-Fil-A. I'm feeling much clearer now that I've had a slice of pie moment to pray to Jesus and ask Him to forgive me for all the trouble I've caused. I'm waiting here for you to come get me.



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Brother, I ain't gonna go all the way to Iowa to get you. Get to the closest Greyhound bus station and come to Michigan. Just don't stick your head out of the window while going through Detroit, the weather forecast for tonight includes possible gunshots.

I have very bright plans for you and the money you are carrying.
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 01:32 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Sorry, I seem to have wandered a little ways off Plantation Road. I'm over on route 19 now, inside the Chik-Fil-A...I'm waiting here for you to come get me.



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Please stay in one place!

I am sending someone to check in at the Chick Fillet now. Turn yourself in to Bernice behind the counter. I have told her to lock you in the supply closet for your own protection...and also to announce you are a burglar, to create a cover.

NEEDLESS to say, it does NOT make the Church™ look good when members run off and 'go rogue' like this. So just play along and we will deal with you later.

Give Bernice the money.
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 01:56 AM

UPDATE:

I have called Chick Fillet and no one has seen you.

What is this all about??
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 02:18 AM

I found Shatzi and brought her home. She has a singed tail (do you know anything about that, Mistress Cookie?) and a few grazes on her leg. But we now have a nice little family of newborn puppies I'll post pics later.


OH, btw, I went into the guest room to get some clean bedding for the pups and there was a bit of a lump in the bed. I think it may be Brother Machine, but I didn't want to disturb him because he was so tired and scared and frightened. And then I went to the fridge and found out that someone had been sampling my pie!
Thanks for the money, FM. I'll take care of your half until you're released. Just tell them that Bernice from Chick-Filler stole it from you.
So Mistress Cookie, you may want to come around here and check out the new pups in the guest room (wink, wink).
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 02:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mother Of Seven View Post
I went into the guest room to get some clean bedding for the pups and there was a bit of a lump in the bed. I think it may be Brother Machine, but I didn't want to disturb him...
Message received.

Take the pups and get out. I am sending The Boys your way.

(Any True Christian Male is welcome to join in the Apprehension.)


Exodus 22:2 If a thief be found breaking up, and be smitten that he die, there shall no blood be shed for him.



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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 03:44 AM

Did they get him?
Because my house is destroyed.


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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 04:17 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
You will cease and desist all spying efforts forthwith! I am contacting Mayor Johnny Joe Hold, and you'd better believe he's not going to allow this reckless disregard for our Constitution to stand!
Have you considered that balances balance and that tithes are as certain as death (and salvation for TRUE CHRISTIANS)?

I do happen to know that when there was a shortcoming in the values expected (I'm not saying whose), the Mayor offered to accept the suggestion of reducing his wage until the question was settled.

So do contact him PERSONALLY, and do provide him with your smartphone.

Luke 8:17

For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad.

Speaking of abroad... do leave your passport by the Pastor's office, he told me he wanted to stamp it with some commendations for your missions amongst the infidels.

PRAISE THE LORD!
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 08:41 AM

I think Faith Machine break into my laundromat and do something bad in there during night. I hope you learn good lesson, Faith Machine! You no good!

Why him get to be True Christian, but I still stuck on ground floor?

Miss Cookies, you no get my checks?
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 08:48 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Sam Woo View Post
I think Faith Machine break into my laundromat and do something bad in there during night. I hope you learn good lesson, Faith Machine! You no good!

Why him get to be True Christian, but I still stuck on ground floor?

Miss Cookies, you no get my checks?
Mr Woo, She probably put it in with the junk mail, like she says she did with mine. Anyway, I've cancelled my check with the bank, and instead have sent it direct to Brother Hutchins.
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 08:49 AM

This whole business makes me sick, especially because it took all the focus off poor Mr. Hutchins in his hour of need.

I think Faith Machine is under warlock mind control, but that's no excuse. I want to know EVERYTHING that's on his hard drive. Was there porn? Was he saying bad things about me? And how much money did he steal, exactly? He owes all of us a huge apology, and an even bigger one to God.



And if you find anything on his computer that indicates we were talking on our Web cams, that was his idea. He mailed me the Web cam and I never meant to get involved in any kind of funny business.
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 03:05 PM

I think we've got him. Someone broke into the shed last night and was eating out of the bucket I throw my leftover food in to feed the hogs and Mexicans. I can't really tell if it's brother FM because his face is covered with gravy but judging from the smell of tequila and shame he won't wake up for several hours.

I locked him in, don't send the good car to pick him up, he smells pretty bad.


Leviticus 13:40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 07:50 PM

Thank you to everyone during this difficult time.

I am happy to report that after escaping the blast at Motherof7's house (which we are sending some of the 6th grade youth camp over to repair), Brother Faith Machine at long last surrendered willingly at 8:07 this morning, when the shed behind Brother Godfly's home was surrounded and then pumped with tear gas.

The irony is, having gone before the Tithing Tribunal, Faith Machine was found to be in (previous) good standing with the Church™ Accounting Department, and even given a REBATE in the sum of $1.09.

This will of course be deducted from the costs of his search, the fuel needed for the helicopters, my new shoes that were ruined in the woods, and the time Church™ Officials had to spend away from their regular duties toward keeping Freehold safe.

So what can we take away from this?

It is always best to Trust Jesus™ and his favorite Church™ in times of uncertainty. Had Brother Faith Machine given himself over to the process, and God™, with a glad and happy heart, he could be enjoying his $1.09 windfall in perfect peace and harmony at this very minute. But instead he turned from God™ and backslid into fear and chaos (not to mention debt!)

Revelations 2:5 Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works;
or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.


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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 08:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistress Cookie View Post
I am happy to report that after escaping the blast at Motherof7's house (which we are sending some of the 6th grade youth camp over to repair),
Ahem!! My house is destroyed, not in need of repair, but in need of total rebuilding. You are in possession of a number of photos showing the destruction. I want either a rebuilt house, or, another house in good repair.
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 08:56 PM

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Originally Posted by Mother Of Seven View Post
Ahem!! My house is destroyed, not in need of repair, but in need of total rebuilding.
Sister, the Youth Campers work diligently and hard, under the supervision of trained counselors.



By allowing them to repair your home, you give them confidence in their future ability to be good Warriors for Christ™.

Give them a chance before demanding some sort of labor upgrade. (The high school workers are all repaving Pastor Zeke's driveway, pool and cabana at this time, anyway, and we can't spare them.)

Remember:

Proverbs 16:9 Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud.
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 09:50 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistress Cookie View Post
Sister, the Youth Campers work diligently and hard, under the supervision of trained counselors.


I will be on able to personally supervise these nimble young, clean limbed, eager young youths over the next few consecutive nights as they work up a sweat in honest labour.

YIC


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 10:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mother Of Seven View Post
Ahem!! My house is destroyed, not in need of repair, but in need of total rebuilding. You are in possession of a number of photos showing the destruction. I want either a rebuilt house, or, another house in good repair.
You are blessed that Mistress Cookie is such a kind soul that she allocated the LBC Youth Campers to repair those minor scratches to your house. Clearly you are the only one to blame as you positioned your house between Brother Faith Machine and Brother Bob4God's rocket launcher. If you weren't so over-eager to present Brother Faith Machine with your juicy pie instead of getting those highly annoying dogs of yours out of our way, none of this would have happened.

As to Brother Faith Machine, he happens to be a sad example of how Disney television, even in low quantities, can harm the soul. We just went to his house and destroyed all his audiovisual equipment and everything else we didn't recognize, to make sure he won't be tempted by Satan again in the future. Pastor Ezekiel spend hours and hours pounding the Holy Ghost into Brother Faith Machine. We all have to admire Pastor Ezekiel's relentless dedication to his flock!

Brother Faith Machine will join us on our next hunting trip to learn how to handle a proper gun. We found this utterly worthless gun in his house, no doubt sold to him by an Obama voter:


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 10:48 PM

Hello I have a question? I got a e-mail from the address securityreviewboard @ landoverbaptist.net saying I was to come in to the main office to discuss materials pertaining to myself that were found on Faith Machine's hard drive? And I am to present myself within 24 hours?

You know I live in California, right? I don't think I have bus fare to get to Freehold.
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Default Re: URGENT funding need: Save James Hutchins' Truck Stop Ministry! - 02-04-2014, 10:50 PM

Howcome nobody talk about money Faith Machine steal?

Also Miss Cookie, I look around my laundry more. You remember your summer dress? I think Faith Machine put it on and wear it! I find public hairs and nasty stain on it! Him no good!
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