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Unsaved Trash, degenerate godmocker
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Posts: 39
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: peeing in Christ's cornflakes
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-07-2012, 05:14 AM
Mark died and went to the here after.
Saint Peter met him at the pearly gates and preceded to give him a tour of heaven.
"In this room you can see all your loved ones who passed away before you." stated Saint Peter.
" This room is the Lords library." said Peter "In here you will find every great novel ever written by all the greatest authors."
"This is the commons area. Many great men are here!" Mark saw many good men and women of all ages and races and religions.
"This is the kitchen, in here you can feast on everything your heart desires." he remarked.
"The next room is our gym. Here you can excel in any sport you wish to play." Saint Peter said.
Then quietly sneaking by the next room Peter whispers, "Be very quiet when you pass by this room."
"Why's that?" asked Mark, "Are the angels sleeping in there?"
"No." replied Saint Peter, "In this room are the Baptists, and they think they are the only ones here."
Leviticus 18:23 Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.
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Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,223
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Thong-infested Florida©
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-07-2012, 05:20 AM
I don't get it: there are 12 gates with pearls (Rev. 21:21), and Peter is not mentioned as being stationed at any of them.
This sounds less like a True Christian™ joke and more like papist claptrap.
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Unsaved Trash, degenerate godmocker
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Posts: 39
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: peeing in Christ's cornflakes
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-07-2012, 05:29 AM
hey if you read any other posts they say peter is at the gates too so stop. And see its a joke so it doesn't matter which ones they were. and it was way better than those ignorant "I'm a pompus ass" racist jokes.
Leviticus 18:23 Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.
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Family Man of the Year 2010-2013 About as Straight and Manly as you can get Hates anal sex. And trees.
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,323
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Protecting my children from homosexuals
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-07-2012, 05:31 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BenKPax
hey if you read any other posts they say peter is at the gates too so stop. And see its a joke so it doesn't matter which ones they were. and it was way better than those ignorant "I'm a pompus ass" racist jokes.
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Whoa there, friend. We have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to racism here at Landover Baptist. If you think you see an instance of racism, report it to a pastor immediately.
Honestly, if anyone is racist here, it's probably some unsaved Irish hoodwink like yourself .
The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-07-2012, 05:35 AM
That wasn't funny, it was offensive. Ring kissing papists obviously don't know the difference.
Here are some good clean Christian jokes that are funny.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!
Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-07-2012, 05:35 AM
Here's one about irish papists. Drunks one and all.
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 100
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Close To Jesus.
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-11-2012, 12:36 PM
A preacher tells his congregation " I want you to read Mark 17 in preparation to talk about the sin of lying." Next Sunday they all come back, and the preacher says "By a show of hands who read Mark 17?" Almost everyone raised there hands, and he said "Mark only has 16 chapters now let's discuss the sin of lying."
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-11-2012, 02:26 PM
Grandpa, what Is couple sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Forum Member
Forum Member
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Posts: 1,485
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Reaping Bountifully
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-11-2012, 05:16 PM
Five Mooslimbs walk into a bar.
A taxi driver, a pedophile, a drug dealer, a rapist and a jihadist.
And that was just the first one
Isaiah 66:15
For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 100
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Close To Jesus.
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-11-2012, 10:13 PM
Irish guy walks OUT of a bar. Black guy spends time with child. Woman walks OUT of the kitchen.
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,455
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-11-2012, 10:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Creationist Ron
Irish guy WALKS out of a bar. Black guy spends time with HIS child. Woman walks OUT of the kitchen not carrying a tray of sandwiches and beer.
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FTFY.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,364
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
12-14-2012, 05:42 PM
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
01-06-2013, 05:32 AM
This actually happened to me once when I was doing a Tent Revival in Alabama one Sunday. I announced to the congregation, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, an old nigra boy got in line, black as the ace of spades, and when it was his turn, I asked, "What do you want me to pray about for you, boy?" The coon replied, "Preacher, I needs fo' you to pray for help with my hearing."
I commenced to put one finger of one hand in the coon's ear, placed my other hand on top of the nappy head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. In fact I prayed a "blue streak" for the boy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, when I removed my hands, stood back and asked, " Well, how is your hearing now?"
The old boy answered, "I don't know's sir. It ain't 'til next week."
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 32
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Surrounded By Baby Killers With A License To Kill. Jeremiah 1:5
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
01-06-2013, 12:56 PM
A young girl asks her father "Daddy where do people come from?" The father says "Well sweety God created Adam, and Eve, and then we came about from them!". The girl was still confused so she asked her mother the same question, but her mother answered "Well you see millions of billions of years ago monkeys transformed into humans, and we eventually came here today" She was still confused so told her father "Daddy mom told me that we came from monkeys, but you say God made us." The father answered, and said "Well I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about her side of the family!"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
01-07-2013, 12:18 AM
A joo rabbi and a papist priest were walking down the street.
The priest says ''Hey, see that little boy playing over there? Lets go fuck him!''
The rabbi said ''Out of what?''
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
01-07-2013, 01:55 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
A joo rabbi and a papist priest were walking down the street.
The priest says ''Hey, see that little boy playing over there? Lets go fuck him!''
The rabbi said ''Out of what?''
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LMBOWJ!!
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 32
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Surrounded By Baby Killers With A License To Kill. Jeremiah 1:5
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
01-07-2013, 03:51 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson
LMBOWJ!!
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Whats that mean?
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
01-07-2013, 05:43 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikki Fia
Whats that mean?
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Laugh my butt off with JESUS, of course.
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Fourm Member
Forum Member
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Posts: 9,264
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: On my way to Paradise
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
01-28-2013, 11:53 PM
A friend sent this to me, thought it was funny.
Last edited by BelieverInGod; 04-03-2013 at 06:42 PM.
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
01-30-2013, 01:37 AM
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with a rod of correction every step.
His mom lays a beating on and locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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