Quote:
Originally Posted by Alvin Moss
The Americans became backsliders and squeamish, failing to finish the job with the Indians. Thus, they still infest Oklahoma, even today.
It is never too late.
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Greetings Brother Alvin! I understand and sympathize with your views towards Injuns. They certainly are lower down on the animal kingdom scale than humans, though more intelligent than chimpanzees and Democrats. But I think that you've got to study their history a bit to get an appreciation of their culture and their contribution to America's greatness.
As it just so happens, I'm something of an expert on this matter, since my company sponsored a one-day seminar on Injun culture and history that all the executive board members had to attend. It was part of our investment strategy in Injun casinos. But now I'm getting ahead of myself, so let's start at the beginning...
Injuns didn't exist until Columbus (from Spain) first discovered them in the island of Manhattan, where he and his group of "Pilgrims" first landed. For a beaner, Columbus was a shrewd businessman. He bought Manhattan for $24 in beads and trinkets. That's why all patriotic Americans celebrate Columbus Day.
Columbus investing in Manhattan real estate
Of course, the Europeans rapidly developed Manhattan in ways the lazy Injuns never dreamed of. They put in a subway, the Empire State Building, and World Trade Center, which the Injuns swore that someday they would destroy with an airplane (and we all know how that turned out).
Being natural born terrorists, the Injuns soon betrayed their white overlords. One of their tricks was germ warfare - the chief of the Injuns used his own daughter, Pokahotass, to seduce Godly Captain John Smith who foolishly thought that he could trust the redskins.
Injun bioweapon
Of course, the brave white colonists felt that they had no choice but to hit back with a few little microbes of their own.
Smallpox blankets kept the Injuns warm in winter
It was a pretty effective strategy overall, but eventually the Injun who survived got immunity. So a new tactic was pursued, also with great success.
Injun enjoying a bottle of XO
Actually, one of my ancestors got into the business, supplying the Injuns with what they wanted. He even trademarked the name
Firewater, and you can order it online from my company's store.
Great-great-great-Grandpa Fred had what the Injuns craved
However, despite the fact that white people were supplying the Injuns with warm blankets and drinks, it wasn't enough. Just like Negroes, you give the Injun and inch and they take a mile. So pretty soon them uppity natives were rebelling and forming gangs. Peace-loving white people like General George Custer were sent to try to negotiate with the savages, but were met with violence.
Uppity natives attack American pacifist George Custer
The brutal massacre made headlines at the time. One of my ancestors filed for the
Custer™ trademark, and opened a chain of ice cream shops which once dotted the American landscape.
Try the supersized "Big Scalp" milkshakes!
Anyway, after the Custer massacre incident, we hired American hero fighter John Wayne to wipe out these terrorists. This was highly successful
Great warrior John Wayne
In fact, he did such a great job that we later hired him to do TV commercials for the many fine products produced by Uranus.
Assuring the public that cigarette smoking is safe
Unfortunately, he died from cancer.
With the Injun threat subdued, America grew into the world's richest and greatest nation. Those remaining Injun terrorists were rehabilitated in privatized prison labor camps (run by my company!), producing traditional products for sale to tourists.
Shop here, and help an Injun earn his daily cigarette ration
This system worked well for a number of years. However, we eventually found that the Chinks were better workers than the Injuns, so we moved the Indian souvenir factories to China.
Our pledge: All products designed by Injuns, produced by Chinks
Without much work for them to do, most of the Injuns were let out of prison, where they spent their idle days consuming firewater. It was a real tragedy, and my company decided to accept it's responsibility for our red brothers and sisters. Our lobbyists in Washington worked with Congress, and we got the necessary legislation passed to allow Injun gambling. Thus, we opened a chain of casinos on reservation land. The law stipulated that the casino owners had to be Injun or part Injun, and it was just an amazing coincidence that I discovered that a long-forgotten ancestor, making me 1/64 Injun, so I qualified. It wasn't easy admitting that I had some inferior blood in me, but fortunately I was able to get a blood transfusion and have it cured, though only after I got my non-revocable casino operator's license. What a crazy fluke, huh?
We didn't actually hire any Injuns to work at our casinos, of course. I mean, who would want to gamble in a casino staffed by a bunch of smelly drunken savages. So most of our casino workers were white trailer trash, though we'd hire beaners to slave away in the kitchen and do the gardening. Nevertheless, the Injuns benefited from this arrangement economically - we paid them $24 in beads and trinkets for the rights to use their land. After all, that was the traditional price they sell land for, so we knew they'd be satisfied with it.
Globalization: Injuns enter the world economy
So it was a win-win for everybody! Unfortunately, America's Kenyan-Muslim usurper gained power in a rigged election, in part by catering to the "minority vote." One of his promises was to grant the Injuns independence.
Selling out America to Muslim savages
Well, I'm sure you know the rest. The Injuns got their own independent country, which they call India. And like all welfare cheats, they spend much of their time fornicating and reproducing. There are now so many of them that they are only outnumbered by Chinks!
Injuns reproducing like flies!
But like most white people, I am sometimes overcome by a sense of duty to help my fellow man, and even the occasional female. So, being a caring sharing company, the Uranus Corporation has been investing in Injun businesses, especially call centers. And thanks to the long relationship between Injuns and civilized white people, at least these dark folks can speak decent English, so they do a pretty decent job on the phone - thank the Lord that nobody can actually see them! Or smell them (think
curry)!
Injuns do jobs that Americans don't want, for $50/month
All things considered, it's worked out in the end. At least when they're sober, the Injuns are good at what they do, like this young fellow:
Whoopsie! Well, sometimes there are technical difficulties. But that's the white man's burden, trying to help out the lower races through charity and Christianity, in the hopes that someday they can improve themselves. I think that we owe ourselves a pat on the back!