Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Church Forums > General Church Fellowship
Reload this Page I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child.
General Church Fellowship A place for True Christians to join in praise, faith and fellowship.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
(#1)
Old
Jesus's Avatar
Jesus Jesus is offline
The Truest Christian™
 

Best Mullet True Republican Guns, Guts and GLORY! Touched by Jesus Nuke of Heaven Porn Resistant Ex-liberal Wrath of God Wrath of God Wrath of God Wrath of God Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Proud TP Rebuker for Christ ex-sheep-shagger Chili Chemtrail

 
Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life
Default I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 04:40 PM

Go!


Blessed is Me.
Reply With Quote
(#2)
Old
Dr Laurence Niles's Avatar
Dr Laurence Niles Dr Laurence Niles is offline
Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
 

Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound Ready for the Rapture True Christian™ Real American™ Ex-Masturbator True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Porn Resistant Pro-Life Christian Love One Year/1000 posts True Republican Ex-Brit Ex-eurotrash Eats the Most Pork Super Soaker Baptism Award Gold Tither True Christian Provider™ award Batman Shooting Survivor True Scientist™ Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Prayer Warrior Divorcee The Lord’s Witness Wound Punched the most queers Paula Deen Negro Support Group Touched by Jesus Babysitter Stamp of Approval Trump of GOD Pancake Dinner Pastor Ezekiel Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Mission to Korea Probing for Jesus ex-sheep-shagger Asked questions later Crown of Incorruptibility GLORY Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 9,051
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 04:43 PM

Please make Marta recant her Catholicism and get baptised your name.

Love you.


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
Reply With Quote
(#3)
Old
David Rothstein's Avatar
David Rothstein David Rothstein is offline
Unsaved trash, Christ-killing joo
True Christian™

Full of it

 
Posts: 95
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
David Rothstein is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.David Rothstein is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.David Rothstein is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.David Rothstein is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.David Rothstein is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.David Rothstein is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 04:45 PM

Say "Jesus", does this ring a bell?

Revelation 22:7 "Behold, I come quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the sayings of the prophecy of this book."

I don't believe any rational person can reconcile 2012 years with "quickly". Will you make these simpletons wait another two thousand years? Or will they sooner realize they have been had by a homeless magician responsible for the biggest hoax ever perpetuated?

In any event, you are welcome in our temples my friends, once you have abandoned the superstitious folly. Life can be much more simple.

Shalom,

David


Acts 14:2 But the unbelieving Jews stirred up the Gentiles, and made their minds evil affected against the brethren.
Reply With Quote
(#4)
Old
Zechariah Smyth's Avatar
Zechariah Smyth Zechariah Smyth is offline
Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Tell her once Flat Earth Real American™ True Christian™ Christian Love The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Tin Tither True Christian Provider™ award Porn Resistant Persecuted Pro-Life Teabag Patriot 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College One Year/1000 posts Ex-Gay Eats the Most Pork Saved 1 Year True Republican 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Sons of Liberty Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Babysitter Gunfest '14 Stamp of Approval Anti-sodomy Pancake Dinner Vickers Pastor Ezekiel Heaven Bound TC Bravery The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking The Lord’s Witness Wound Cup of Jesus Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Life

 
Posts: 15,223
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Thong-infested Florida©
Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 04:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by David Rothstein View Post
Say "Jesus", does this ring a bell?

Revelation 22:7 "Behold, I come quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the sayings of the prophecy of this book."

I don't believe any rational person can reconcile 2012 years with "quickly". Will you make these simpletons wait another two thousand years? Or will they sooner realize they have been had by a nomadic magician responsible for the biggest hoax ever perpetuated?

In any event, you are welcome in our temples my friends, once you have abandoned the superstitous folly. Life can be much more simple.

Shalom,

David
Nice. Do you always go around pissing on birthday cakes?



Shouldn't you be at some chinaman restaurant today? I've heard that's how you guys mock the birth of Christ.



Yours in Christ (NOT WOODY ALLEN),

Zech


Reply With Quote
(#5)
Old
Pim Pendergast's Avatar
Pim Pendergast Pim Pendergast is offline
PHD - Theophysicist
Saving The Lost With The Truth Of Applied Theoscience
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Friend of Jesus True Christian™ Heaven Bound Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Eats the Most Pork Prayer Warrior Christian Love TC Bravery The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College The Lord’s Witness Wound Early riser True Scientist™ One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year Touched by Jesus Stamp of Approval Pancake Dinner Crown of Rejoicing Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Mormon outreach preacher extraordinaire Alternative Facts Saved 5 Years Guns, Guts and GLORY! Trump of GOD Crown of Glory BFF of Jesus Wall of Jesus Crown of Righteousness GLORY Proud Team Fortress Denier Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 3,087
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In the Lamb's book of life
Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pim Pendergast will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 05:14 PM

Lord, when You were 12, You astonished the teachers in the Temple with Your infinite wisdom. Could You please tell us what You actually said that was so amazing?

Lk 2:42-47
42 And when he was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem after the custom of the feast.
43 And when they had fulfilled the days, as they returned, the child Jesus tarried behind in Jerusalem; and Joseph and his mother knew not of it.
44 But they, supposing him to have been in the company, went a day's journey; and they sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintance.
45 And when they found him not, they turned back again to Jerusalem, seeking him.
46 And it came to pass, that after three days they found him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the doctors, both hearing them, and asking them questions.
47 And all that heard him were astonished at his understanding and answers.


Mt 21:42, 44 Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes . . . ? And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.

Find out what the Bible says about: Fortnite: Battle Royale, asexuality, shaving, psychiatry, chronic fatigue syndrome, babies
Reply With Quote
(#6)
Old
Jesus's Avatar
Jesus Jesus is offline
The Truest Christian™
 

Best Mullet True Republican Guns, Guts and GLORY! Touched by Jesus Nuke of Heaven Porn Resistant Ex-liberal Wrath of God Wrath of God Wrath of God Wrath of God Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Proud TP Rebuker for Christ ex-sheep-shagger Chili Chemtrail

 
Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 06:24 PM

Bless you, Pim Pedergast. You are on my good list.

We were discussing my/my father's negotiation with Abraham over the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.
You remember don't you? If he could find ten righteous men, I/my father wouldn't destroy the place.


Blessed is Me.
Reply With Quote
(#7)
Old
Pastor Ezekiel's Avatar
Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 2014 Witch Hunt Award Stamp of Approval Mission to Korea Trump of GOD Uber Angels Driver Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Hands Off 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Golden Bear Award Mission Long service medal, 2nd class Aardvark Asked questions later Heart of compassion Crown of Righteousness The Crown of Crowns Crown of Glory Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Rejoicing Crown of Life BFF of Jesus Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Mission to the Philippines Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Anti-Biden British Royalty

 
Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 06:31 PM

Savior sir, I've always wondered something. Why did you bother creating things like poisonous snakes, spiders and scorpions? Personally, I would have left those out. Or at least made Saved® men immune to their venom.

Just wondering.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
Reply With Quote
(#8)
Old
Sophie Hennig's Avatar
Sophie Hennig Sophie Hennig is offline
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
 
Posts: 60
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Looking for Christ in the tundra of Finland
Sophie Hennig has had a couple of people click the rep button.Sophie Hennig has had a couple of people click the rep button.Sophie Hennig has had a couple of people click the rep button.Sophie Hennig has had a couple of people click the rep button.
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 06:32 PM

Lord, I actually have a question, but as I am only a female, feel free to answer me or not.
Sometimes it happens, that my husband asks me to do things, like wearing make up or expensive necklaces made of gold or pearls, which aren't mentioned like this in the bible. I am confused now. Should I follow the bible to every word or do my husband a favor, as the husband the head of the wife, as You are the head of the church. Is it right to please my husband with such things?
Reply With Quote
(#9)
Old
Ignorant Buttmunch's Avatar
Ignorant Buttmunch Ignorant Buttmunch is offline
Unsaved Trash, degenerate godmocker
 
 
Posts: 53
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pastor Zeke is my anal slave.
Ignorant Buttmunch is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Ignorant Buttmunch is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Ignorant Buttmunch is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Ignorant Buttmunch is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Ignorant Buttmunch is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Ignorant Buttmunch is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Ignorant Buttmunch is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 06:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
Bless you, Pim Pedergast. You are on my good list.

We were discussing my/my father's negotiation with Abraham over the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.
You remember don't you? If he could find ten righteous men, I/my father wouldn't destroy the place.
Why aren't you speaking your native language? Btw how is Mary doing?
Reply With Quote
(#10)
Old
Kristen Green's Avatar
Kristen Green Kristen Green is offline
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
 
Posts: 14
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Submitting To My Husbands Beatings.
Kristen Green is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 07:14 PM

Lord Jesus I pray that the storms in my area pass, and I pray everyone is OK. I pray that you keep protecting our soldiers, and I pray that you are having a happy birthday, and Lord Jesus Christ I pray that you bless those less fortunate then us, and Lord Jesus I pray that gays, and heathens will roast in hell, or be saved. Lord Jesus Christ I pray you return soon to rapture me, and these good Chrisitan people away. Yours in You.

I don't want anything from you. Its your birthday not mine. Happy birthday Jesus!
Reply With Quote
(#11)
Old
Dr Laurence Niles's Avatar
Dr Laurence Niles Dr Laurence Niles is offline
Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
 

Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound Ready for the Rapture True Christian™ Real American™ Ex-Masturbator True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Porn Resistant Pro-Life Christian Love One Year/1000 posts True Republican Ex-Brit Ex-eurotrash Eats the Most Pork Super Soaker Baptism Award Gold Tither True Christian Provider™ award Batman Shooting Survivor True Scientist™ Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Prayer Warrior Divorcee The Lord’s Witness Wound Punched the most queers Paula Deen Negro Support Group Touched by Jesus Babysitter Stamp of Approval Trump of GOD Pancake Dinner Pastor Ezekiel Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Mission to Korea Probing for Jesus ex-sheep-shagger Asked questions later Crown of Incorruptibility GLORY Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 9,051
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 04:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by David Rothstein View Post
Say "Jesus", does this ring a bell?

Revelation 22:7 "Behold, I come quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the sayings of the prophecy of this book."

I don't believe any rational person can reconcile 2012 years with "quickly". Will you make these simpletons wait another two thousand years? Or will they sooner realize they have been had by a nomadic magician responsible for the biggest hoax ever perpetuated?

In any event, you are welcome in our temples my friends, once you have abandoned the superstitous folly. Life can be much more simple.

Shalom,

David
Don't you think it's in bad taste to question the very Messiah that you people killed?

Typical joo


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
Reply With Quote
(#12)
Old
Jesus's Avatar
Jesus Jesus is offline
The Truest Christian™
 

Best Mullet True Republican Guns, Guts and GLORY! Touched by Jesus Nuke of Heaven Porn Resistant Ex-liberal Wrath of God Wrath of God Wrath of God Wrath of God Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Proud TP Rebuker for Christ ex-sheep-shagger Chili Chemtrail

 
Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the LifeJesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-25-2012, 04:59 PM

It has only been a couple of days to me. It may be a couple of more before I am ready to return. Peter wrote all about this in his second epistle while I guided his hand of course.

And David, it is this attitude that got you people holocausted a few minutes ago. Don't make me and my daddy do it again.


Blessed is Me.
Reply With Quote
(#13)
Old
JudgeNot!'s Avatar
JudgeNot! JudgeNot! is offline
Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
 
Posts: 12
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Philadelphia, PA
JudgeNot! is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-27-2012, 05:38 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
Go!
Dear Jesus ... praise You!!!!

Although Your birthday is technically over, I was wondering if I could humbly ask You a question. As I'm sure You already know, my soon-to-be ex-husband misrepresented himself as a Christian man when, in fact, he is actually a queer, You-mocking Sodomite! For the 10+ years we were married, he hid his true nature from me. Pardon me for speaking offensively to You, but he only ever had relations with me in my bottom-hole, insisting that it was ok to do that and forcing it upon me. Looking back, I guess I should have seen this abhorrent behavior for what it really was, but I guess I'm a little naive.

Jesus, my Lord and Savior, I repent of my deviant ways! I should have asked to be stoned to death before allowing my degenerate husband to use his tallywhacker on me in ways that disgraced me in Your eyes!!

(I apologize for rambling on so, my sweet, sweet Jesus, but I wanted to confess my sins aloud before You and the True Christians of this blessed forum ... even before the atheists and other non-believers so that my humble atonement may be an example to them.)

So my question is this: since my ass-plundering husband never so much as touched my lady parts, and I have never lain with any other man, does that mean I am still a virgin?? And that there is potential for me to someday find a True Christian husband to serve and obey (if You will it to be so)?

I am prostrate on my knees before You in humble supplication, hopefully awaiting Your answer. Thank You, Jesus!!!

P.S. Hope you had a very Happy Birthday


"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." - Ephesians 5:22
Reply With Quote
(#14)
Old
Faith_Machine's Avatar
Faith_Machine Faith_Machine is offline
Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Porn Resistant True Republican The Lord’s Witness Wound Pro-Life Ex-liberal Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Flat Earth Tell her once Guns, Guts and GLORY! Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior TC Bravery True Christian Hotrodder Tagging for Jesus Paula Deen Negro Support Group Early riser Touched by Jesus 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Mission to Korea Anti-sodomy Mission to Messico Hands Off Pastor Ezekiel Sheep Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Chili Chemtrail

 
Posts: 9,980
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: San Francisco, California
Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-27-2012, 05:48 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by JudgeNot! View Post
Dear Jesus ... praise You!!!!

Although Your birthday is technically over, I was wondering if I could humbly ask You a question. As I'm sure You already know, my soon-to-be ex-husband misrepresented himself as a Christian man when, in fact, he is actually a queer, You-mocking Sodomite! For the 10+ years we were married, he hid his true nature from me. Pardon me for speaking offensively to You, but he only ever had relations with me in my bottom-hole, insisting that it was ok to do that and forcing it upon me. Looking back, I guess I should have seen this abhorrent behavior for what it really was, but I guess I'm a little naive.

Jesus, my Lord and Savior, I repent of my deviant ways! I should have asked to be stoned to death before allowing my degenerate husband to use his tallywhacker on me in ways that disgraced me in Your eyes!!

(I apologize for rambling on so, my sweet, sweet Jesus, but I wanted to confess my sins aloud before You and the True Christians of this blessed forum ... even before the atheists and other non-believers so that my humble atonement may be an example to them.)

So my question is this: since my ass-plundering husband never so much as touched my lady parts, and I have never lain with any other man, does that mean I am still a virgin?? And that there is potential for me to someday find a True Christian husband to serve and obey (if You will it to be so)?

I am prostrate on my knees before You in humble supplication, hopefully awaiting Your answer. Thank You, Jesus!!!

P.S. Hope you had a very Happy Birthday
How dare you talk about sodomy in the presence of Our Lord? Do you think our all-knowing Savior wants to know about that?

As to your question regarding whether your virginity is intact, I'm sure you could find plenty of Catholics who would tell you that it is, but I suspect The Creator of the Universe will tell you otherwise.

The good news, however, is that if you are truly repentant, and if you TRULY devote your life to serving Him, and you pray and read your Bible every day, it is entirely possible that He will allow you to reclaim your virginity.

Shout GLORY!


WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
Reply With Quote
(#15)
Old
JudgeNot!'s Avatar
JudgeNot! JudgeNot! is offline
Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
 
Posts: 12
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Philadelphia, PA
JudgeNot! is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-27-2012, 06:11 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
How dare you talk about sodomy in the presence of Our Lord? Do you think our all-knowing Savior wants to know about that?

As to your question regarding whether your virginity is intact, I'm sure you could find plenty of Catholics who would tell you that it is, but I suspect The Creator of the Universe will tell you otherwise.

The good news, however, is that if you are truly repentant, and if you TRULY devote your life to serving Him, and you pray and read your Bible every day, it is entirely possible that He will allow you to reclaim your virginity.

Shout GLORY!
Dear Brother Faith Machine,

I certainly did not mean to offend our Lord or any members of this Holy forum with my sordid tales of sodomy; scalding tears of remorse pour down my cheeks at the very thought!! Please forgive me my womanly stupidity.

Sir, I must respectfully say that I care not a bit what any idol-worshipping Catholic might say on the matter of my virginity; it is only the decree of the Almighty that concerns me!

It is such relief to know that, through devotion, subservience, and repentance, I may someday reclaim my bottom-hole virginity. No one but Jesus Himself can restore purity to even the nastiest of orifices!

Praise Jesus, and God bless you Brother!


"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." - Ephesians 5:22
Reply With Quote
(#16)
Old
Faith_Machine's Avatar
Faith_Machine Faith_Machine is offline
Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Porn Resistant True Republican The Lord’s Witness Wound Pro-Life Ex-liberal Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Flat Earth Tell her once Guns, Guts and GLORY! Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior TC Bravery True Christian Hotrodder Tagging for Jesus Paula Deen Negro Support Group Early riser Touched by Jesus 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Mission to Korea Anti-sodomy Mission to Messico Hands Off Pastor Ezekiel Sheep Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Chili Chemtrail

 
Posts: 9,980
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: San Francisco, California
Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-27-2012, 06:25 AM

You certainly do have the right attitude! Tell us, does this husband of yours have a life insurance policy?


WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
Reply With Quote
(#17)
Old
JudgeNot!'s Avatar
JudgeNot! JudgeNot! is offline
Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
 
Posts: 12
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Philadelphia, PA
JudgeNot! is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-27-2012, 06:39 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
You certainly do have the right attitude! Tell us, does this husband of yours have a life insurance policy?
He does, Brother Faith Machine. But soon after we separated, he quickly changed his beneficiary from me to someone else ... presumably naming one of his sissy paramours with whom he's probably mincing about in San Francisco or New York City or some other faggoty, sin-infested city right at this very moment. Sweet weeping baby Jesus, please save us from these vile perverts!


"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." - Ephesians 5:22
Reply With Quote
(#18)
Old
Samuel Coleridge's Avatar
Samuel Coleridge Samuel Coleridge is offline
Unsaved trash
 

Cancer on Society Bleeding heart liebral Fluffy bunny Cherry-picker Hellbound Heathen

 
Posts: 621
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: In the sweet Love of God who is Elohim.
Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Samuel Coleridge is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-27-2012, 11:46 PM

Such a shame. Did Jesus fly back to heaven until next Christmas?
Reply With Quote
(#19)
Old
Matthew Hopkins Matthew Hopkins is offline
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound True Christian Caucasian True Christian™ Real American™ Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Persecuted Porn Resistant Prayer Warrior Pro-Life Eats the Most Pork Gold Tither Tell her once True Republican Teabag Patriot Guns, Guts and GLORY! True Heterosexual™

 
Posts: 808
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ozarks, MO
Matthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-27-2012, 11:52 PM

Jesus didn't "go" anywhere, you English fool. He is still here, among us. Just as He was in the beginning. He is also, simultaneously in all places and at all times.

Jesus is God; didn't you know that? Anyway, this is Jesus's thread, not yours, Spaniel Coalbridge.

Praise You Jesus, and I hope You got all my presents. I always try to give You as much as possible.

YBIC
Reply With Quote
(#20)
Old
Matthew Hopkins Matthew Hopkins is offline
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound True Christian Caucasian True Christian™ Real American™ Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Persecuted Porn Resistant Prayer Warrior Pro-Life Eats the Most Pork Gold Tither Tell her once True Republican Teabag Patriot Guns, Guts and GLORY! True Heterosexual™

 
Posts: 808
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ozarks, MO
Matthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMatthew Hopkins has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: I will give you a gift for my birthday. Ask me any questions and I will answer you, my child. - 12-27-2012, 11:52 PM

Jesus didn't "go" anywhere, you English fool. He is still here, among us. Just as He was in the beginning. He is also, simultaneously in all places and at all times.

Jesus is God; didn't you know that? Anyway, this is Jesus's thread, not yours, Spaniel Coalbridge.

Praise You Jesus, and I hope You got all my presents. I always try to give You as much as possible.

YBIC
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here



Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved