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Default Re: False Religions Register - 11-13-2006, 05:21 AM

I feel the need to add the Pastafarians who worship a rather noodley Satan, Mrs. Rogers.

I'm sure your all are aware of the notorious flying spagetti monster and his unGodly choo-choo like appendages.

The heathens who worship this beast also worship pirates(similar to Inju.., no wait, EXACTLY like Injuns), midgets and unsurprisingly Satan as well.
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 11-13-2006, 05:25 AM

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Originally Posted by Carlton Green View Post
I feel the need to add the Pastafarians who worship a rather noodley Satan, Mrs. Rogers.

I'm sure your all are aware of the notorious flying spagetti monster and his unGodly choo-choo like appendages.

The heathens who worship this beast also worship pirates(similar to Inju.., no wait, EXACTLY like Injuns), midgets and unsurprisingly Satan as well.
Pastafarians! A sick and disgusting cult! Worse than catlickers. My skin crawls when I think of it.


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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Frozen Food Pollyanists - 11-13-2006, 11:47 AM

Mrs. Christianson,

With all due respect, I don't believe I have ever heard of the Pollyanists before as I always assumed people like that to just be plain idiots, but thank you for bringing the awareness of this to my attention. One more secret unGodly cult to chalk off to the dust!

-Rev. Green
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 11-26-2006, 11:39 PM

The Screamers are a bizarre cult that should be carefully tracked by the DOF.

Quote:
In 1974 on Innisfree, off the coast of Donegal, Ireland, a group of free thinkers formed a community called the Atlantis Foundation. Their goals were simple: to live in harmony with their environment and in peace with each other.

The Atlantis Foundation may have remained low-key if it wasn’t for Primal Screaming Therapy - a way of removing angst by screaming your lungs out and thus reverting, so the theory goes, to your most primal self. The community members would wail away, happy in their private location.

But Ireland is a small place and it was only a matter of time before the locals in Burtonport found out. In no time at all they were known by all and sundry as “The Screamers”. Legend had it that, weather permitting, you could hear them screaming like banshees.

Before long, the Irish and UK media were taking boat rides out to see The Screamers, and they featured on many a tabloid front page. Questions were even asked about them in the Dail, and there was a wild rumour that the Health Board was sending Donegal children to them when hostels were full. In fact, very sincere and active members such as Mary Kelly and Jenny James, who founded the group, peopled the community. Kelly, a qualified midwife, delivered some of the island’s babies.

The group stayed on Innisfree until 1988 when a split led many of the members to found a community in Heya Grande, Colombia, still called the Atlantis Foundation. Others left for Baltimore in Cork.

One of those who went to Colombia was Tristan James Murray, born on Innisfree and delivered by Mary Kelly. On July 2000, aged 18, Tristan was kidnapped with another boy, Javier Nova, shot and then beheaded by Farc Urban Militia. The tragedy had a devastating effect on the group.

The Atlantis Foundation still exists in Colombia, Baltimore and Donegal. Mary Kelly went on to campaign for Palestinian rights in the Middle East and was arrested for damaging a US Air Force plane used to ferry military weapons to Iraq.
A group that spawns terrorists and spits on Jesus means only one thing: satan is hard at work, and God's Will shall prevail!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 11-29-2006, 04:09 AM

What about the Piperpoopians?

They mostly live in Scotland, and they are known for their bizzare Satanic practice of playing the bagpipes while they are on the "waste bowl". They claim it appeases the Immortal Highlander Gods but in reality, it forces Jesus to put on his ear and nose plugs at the same time!


-a disturbed Mr. Green
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 12-11-2006, 05:48 PM

Injuns
Definition: Feather-sporting savages, their faces red from shame at having rejected Jesus, who masturbate with the scalps of Christians and scheme to steal our money through their monolithic network of sin-ridden casinos.
Worship: The Great Spirit (AKA Satan), lesser spirits (AKA Satan), and buffalo.
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 12-11-2006, 05:51 PM

Eskimos/Inu-nitwits
Definition: Basically Canadian Injuns, with a hearty dollop of Chink added for bad measure.
Worship: Their own urine, snow, and walruses (the Canadian version of buffalo). And Satan.
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 12-11-2006, 05:53 PM

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Originally Posted by Virginia Dentata View Post
who masturbate with the scalps of Christians
That's disgusting; I had no idea. How is it possible when you're dead drunk all the time?

Dean
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 12-11-2006, 06:27 PM

Apparently--and you must forgive me from filling your mind with such filth, but as Jesus said, Knoweth thine enemy as thou wouldst knoweth thy self--the hair allows for a very firm grip, and the blood, viscous as it is from the Spirit that flows continuously through it, is an extremely effective lubricant. This means that orgasm can be achieved promtly and with relatively little (forgive me) "skill," even if the Injun is heavily intoxicated.
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 12-11-2006, 06:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Virginia Dentata View Post
Apparently--and you must forgive me from filling your mind with such filth, but as Jesus said, Knoweth thine enemy as thou wouldst knoweth thy self--the hair allows for a very firm grip, and the blood, viscous as it is from the Spirit that flows continuously through it, is an extremely effective lubricant. This means that orgasm can be achieved promtly and with relatively little (forgive me) "skill," even if the Injun is heavily intoxicated.
Ummm...could we have chapter and verse for that, please?
Thanking you in advance in Christ,
Temperance


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 12-11-2006, 06:29 PM

Did I just spell "promptly" wrong? Another sign that the Devil is a-gettin' to me.
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 12-11-2006, 06:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
Ummm...could we have chapter and verse for that, please?
Thanking you in advance in Christ,
Temperance
He was speaking through the unwitting pen of that dastardly chink Sun Tzu, but they were most definitely His words. Who would know more about war and violence than the Lord of Love?

That's my take on it, anyway. If I'm incorrect, feel free to stone me for heresy--I won't object.
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 12-12-2006, 06:33 AM

What about the Gypsies(gyp-sees)?

Definition: a loose association of darkie heathen pick-pockets. My deeply embedded source informs me that they've also been known to engage in disgusting acts of pedophilia (massaging babys in oil to 'make them strong')

Worship: some Hindoo female(!) "god" Kali, loose change on the ground, and of course, Satan
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 12-12-2006, 05:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Virginia Dentata View Post
He was speaking through the unwitting pen of that dastardly chink Sun Tzu, but they were most definitely His words. Who would know more about war and violence than the Lord of Love?

That's my take on it, anyway. If I'm incorrect, feel free to stone me for heresy--I won't object.
While it is true that the Lord is a God of War, and Jealous with it:
Exodus 34:14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.
That still doesn't mean that you should ever trust anything written by a chink. They are inspired only by Satan.


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 12-12-2006, 05:44 PM

Thank you for clearing things up--I won't make the mistake again.
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Lightbulb Re: False Religions Register - 01-12-2007, 04:43 PM

How about posting urselves in that list? Landover Baptists Can not be considered a religion...more a cult hate the catholics but they themselves condone monetary offering as a way to get into Heaven. How about quoting 1 line verses from the Bible and distorting things to fit their needs. If you are 'True Christians' as u say u are u would try to convert people to your religion and be fair to everybody. Not saying that u are the 'best' religion or the most 'favoured' by God and what not How about leaving this post up so u can rebuke it and somehow convince me that you are somehow 'Christian' (not likely) and oh the first thing i will see is CONDEMED TO HELL or something along the lines of that from one of ur mods or 'Senior Pastors' as u say they are. Also u so called 'Senior Pastors' use the Lords name in vein. Is that okay in ur cult? People got struck by lightning for doing that... Awaiting your reply (or edit/deletion if u dont have the guts to reply)
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 01-12-2007, 04:49 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deceit View Post
How about posting urselves in that list? Landover Baptists Can not be considered a religion...more a cult hate the catholics but they themselves condone monetary offering as a way to get into Heaven. How about quoting 1 line verses from the Bible and distorting things to fit their needs. If you are 'True Christians' as u say u are u would try to convert people to your religion and be fair to everybody. Not saying that u are the 'best' religion or the most 'favoured' by God and what not How about leaving this post up so u can rebuke it and somehow convince me that you are somehow 'Christian' (not likely) and oh the first thing i will see is CONDEMED TO HELL or something along the lines of that from one of ur mods or 'Senior Pastors' as u say they are. Also u so called 'Senior Pastors' use the Lords name in vein. Is that okay in ur cult? People got struck by lightning for doing that... Awaiting your reply (or edit/deletion if u dont have the guts to reply)
My word, you say an awful lot of bad things about us and this is just your first Post!!!
Please note: Nothing has been edited from your original Post, and I'm sure a Pastor will come along soon and speak with you.
We are very used to Unsaved Trash coming on God's favourite Forum just to persecute us.
You are correct, you are already condemned to Hell, but I'm sure with some Loving Donations and Prayer you can get right with Jesus©.

YIC
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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: False Religions Register - 01-12-2007, 04:54 PM

how can u say it is Gods favourite forum??? Where does it say that He loves the Landover Baptists more than anyone else? If im not correct i seem to recall that God loves EVERYBODY equally? And how about not just saying i am condemed to hell and actually explaining to me how i am wrong?
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Default Re: False Religions Register - 01-12-2007, 05:03 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deceit View Post
How about posting urselves in that list? Landover Baptists Can not be considered a religion...more a cult hate the catholics but they themselves condone monetary offering as a way to get into Heaven. How about quoting 1 line verses from the Bible and distorting things to fit their needs. If you are 'True Christians' as u say u are u would try to convert people to your religion and be fair to everybody. Not saying that u are the 'best' religion or the most 'favoured' by God and what not How about leaving this post up so u can rebuke it and somehow convince me that you are somehow 'Christian' (not likely) and oh the first thing i will see is CONDEMED TO HELL or something along the lines of that from one of ur mods or 'Senior Pastors' as u say they are. Also u so called 'Senior Pastors' use the Lords name in vein. Is that okay in ur cult? People got struck by lightning for doing that... Awaiting your reply (or edit/deletion if u dont have the guts to reply)
You don't scare us. I've quoted your drivel in its entirety so that you can't accuse me of editing your precious post.

Quote:
How about quoting 1 line verses from the Bible and distorting things to fit their needs.
Show us where we have distorted the Holy Bible to fit our needs. That is a serious accusation; I trust that you are prepared to back it up.

Quote:
If you are 'True Christians' as u say u are u would try to convert people to your religion and be fair to everybody.
Pay some attention. We are witnessing to people in order to convert them. Also, we are every bit as fair to everybody as God's Perfect Word tells us to be.

Quote:
Also u so called 'Senior Pastors' use the Lords name in vein. Is that okay in ur cult? People got struck by lightning for doing that... Awaiting your reply (or edit/deletion if u dont have the guts to reply)
Give us one example in which that's happened to any of our Senior Pastors.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

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Default Re: False Religions Register - 01-12-2007, 05:06 PM

Do u by any chance have anything other than a forum to communicate over? The forums are too hard to navigate over and find every little detail. If not say so and i will do my best. Also, u guys should maybe try get out a little more. I would like to call myself Christian that is why i am trying to correct your way to the best of my abilities. Although i may be quite young, i know that there are correct and incorrect ways to inform people of God and Salvation. One way is definately not saying they will burn in Hell straight away. This will just detir them even more.(this i found on ur site)
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