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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-14-2009, 03:19 AM
Where's your sense of humor? This is a joke thread?
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Unsaved trash
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-14-2009, 03:37 AM
You might be a Southern Baptist if:
- You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.
- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
- You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School.
One day a man dies, who was a devout Christian. Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and begins to give him a tour of Heaven. As the tour goes on, Saint Paul points out all the different Christians. "There's the Catholics, there's the Lutherans, the Methodists, the Presbyterians", and so forth. As they come to this one group way off to themselves, Saint Paul motions for the man to come closer and whispers. "Now, for this next group, we need to be really quiet. They are the Baptists and they think they're the only ones in Heaven."
There's some humor right there, pedophile.
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Honorary True Christian™ Sweet Placid Sister
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-14-2009, 07:08 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by HatePeace
Our Lady of Guadalape, Our Lady of Fatima, Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Trsat... Maybe you need to become a bit more educated, friend.
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Ah, the imaginings of Mexicans and Europeans.
Mary is very, very dead.
The Bible makes it clear that all who are dead remain dead until Judgment. That includes your precious Mary.
Stop praying to a corpse, necrophiliac.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HatePeace
You might be a Southern Baptist if:
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Southern Baptists sure are a trip, aren't they?
We broke with them when the SBC (look it up) decided to espouse the position that drinking alcohol was sinful. Sure, Jesus turned water into wine, but these people would rather put the traditions of men before God's Word.
Thank the Lord we are Independent Fundamentalist Baptists!
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Honorary True Christian™
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-19-2009, 04:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by HatePeace
And the Catholic Church is the greatest thing on Earth. Except it's not a joke!
I hope these made you laugh.
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The Catholic Church makes me cry, not laugh.
Imagine, all those hundreds of millions of Catholics, condemned to an eternity of Hell, all because they followed the Pope instead of Jesus.
Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-20-2009, 12:02 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by HatePeace
And the Catholic Church is the greatest thing on Earth. Except it's not a joke!
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No, it's one of the greatest jokes Satan ever played, and it looks like you're the butt of it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HatePeace
Our Lady of Guadalape, Our Lady of Fatima, Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Trsat... Maybe you need to become a bit more educated, friend.
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Does she come in Diet Mary form? Can I get fries with my blasphemous Jesus cookie and super-sized Our Lady of Trsat shake?
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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True Christian™
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Location: Ottawa, KS, soon to move to Freehold, Iowa!
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-20-2009, 02:40 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by HatePeace
Hail Mary is one prayer. If you weren't as ignorant as you are, you would find quite a few about Jesus.
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Well, well, well. I sit down to look at the Interwebs for a bit of levity here in the jokes thread and what do I see? A Papist railing on about how "Christian" the Cat-a-holic church is!
You know, you might find prayers "about" Jesus in almost any false cult out there, including but not limited to, mormonism, Jehovah's (false) Witnesses, Episscopalianism, right on down to American Baptists and the Southern Baptist Convention.
I am joking just a bit about the Baptists, but not much, those compromising "feel good" "God is love" mealy-mouthed reprobates.
Here's a good one to put us back on the "Good, Clean, Christian Jokes" thread:
Why don't real Baptists make love standing up?
Someone might think they were dancing.
In Christ,
Warren
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-26-2009, 03:27 PM
Joke -- Why God Made Ohio Found this in an old e-mail:
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, some nations will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while others are going to be poor." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's OHIO, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from OHIO are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see who I'm putting around them in Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia and Pennsylvania."
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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God Squad
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-26-2009, 03:38 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King
Joke -- Why God Made Ohio Found this in an old e-mail: Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, some nations will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while others are going to be poor." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's OHIO, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from OHIO are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see who I'm putting around them in Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia and Pennsylvania."
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Ohio is full of Homers. Sinsinatti is the Homer capital of the midwest!!!
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-26-2009, 03:40 PM
I'm not going to take credit for writing the joke. At least the subject wasn't Iowa.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-28-2009, 01:10 PM
I've got one.
What do you call a bunch of wetbacks holding hands?
A spic-et fence.
Get it? Picket fence?
The kids in Sunday School loved that one!
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-28-2009, 10:59 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
I've got one.
What do you call a bunch of wetbacks holding hands?
A spic-et fence.
Get it? Picket fence?
The kids in Sunday School loved that one!
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That was spictacular, brother.
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Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
05-30-2009, 11:52 AM
I was reminded of this when I heard the news that Scientology is being sued for fraud in France.
There are 2 Level 3 Thetans in a bath, one says, “Where’s the soap?” The other replies, “Give me $5,000 and I’ll tell you.”
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
06-04-2009, 05:40 AM
Just to revive this knee slapper of a thread...
Why does it stink to be a black jew?
Because then yall get sent to the back of the oven!
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Honorary True Christian™ Sweet Placid Sister
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
06-10-2009, 04:42 AM
This is why the "average" woman shouldn't be trusted with the home finances.
It's funny 'cuz it's true.
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Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
06-28-2009, 09:12 PM
Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
07-01-2009, 10:39 AM
Haha, well I am quite the fan of comedy, myself, so I jump at the chance to hear a good joke. However, with such sick minds out there I think that honestly the best way to laugh at the damned is to tell them myself, so here I go.
What's the difference between Abu Ghraib and the Marxist Cable media?
Nothing, they both enjoy $25,000 Pyramid.
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Why can't Godless sodomites reproduce?
Because a baby is a gift from God, and He wouldn't want the gays to have Holy Shits, now, would he?
--
Evolution
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"The theory of evolution by cumulative natural selection is the only theory we know of that is in principle capable of explaining the existence of organized complexity. " --This Richard Dawkins guy was a real crack up when performing his university stand up tour. I hope he comes back around again, soon.
Keeping our eyes peeled for the Master. Open up and look around for God. See His works and find him standing near us,. Be alert His presence to applaud.
He's right here, by our side. All along, we're His bride.
"Eyes Peeled" -- Half-Handed Cloud (PS, don't take that as gay. Blesseth thou for not)
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-08-2009, 02:39 AM
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to piffle off. __________________
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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True Christian™
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-08-2009, 02:56 AM
A Jew and an athiest decided to go pheasant hunting. Since they didn't know much about hunting, they had a sporting goods dealer supply them with everything they needed, from shotguns to hunting licenses to a trained bird dog.
After two days in the country without nabbing a single bird, the athiest turned to the Jew and said, "That dealer ripped us off--this mutt is no bird dog, and I'm going to shoot her right now."
"Wait!" implored the Jew, "We paid $500 for that dog, so let's give her one more chance."
"All right," said the athiest reluctantly. "You throw her in the air again, but if she doesn't fly this time, I'm going to waste her!"
Draft Freehold, Iowa Mayor
Johny Joe Hold
for Vice President in 2024
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Ladies of Landover Senior VP One of the Truest Christians™ Ever Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-08-2009, 03:16 AM
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-08-2009, 04:49 AM
What's the difference between a joo and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
38 John said to him, "Teacher, we saw someone driving out demons in your name, and we tried to prevent him because he does not follow us."
39 Jesus replied, "Do not prevent him. There is no one who performs a mighty deed in my name who can at the same time speak ill of me.
40 For whoever is not against us is for us. Mark 9:38-40.
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