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Question Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers? - 02-14-2014, 03:27 PM

What Would Jesus Do With Dr. Laurie

Quote:
Dear Dr. Laurie, PhD:

I have a condition called Coeliac disease and requires that I be on a gluten-free diet. That means that I can't eat wheat, which communion wafers are made from.

I'd like to move to Freehold and join your wonderful congregation, but I need to know friendly it is to my special needs. Does your church service include the Eucharist? If it does, are gluten-free communion wafers available?

Bless You,
NotSeedy
NotSeedy, you will no doubt be pleased to learn that we do NOT do that blasphemous wine and death-cracker cannabalism ritual. Nowhere in The Last Supper does Jesus command future generations to get tipsy on glorified mouthwash and swallow a symbolic slice of the Savior's salami.

The answer they've never given me, is, exactly what body-part are they supposed to be eating, anyway? It's too small in diameter to be a slice of his thumb, too big to be a slice of his wrist, and there's no bone. No, there's only one boneless, sliceable body-part it could be, but I won't go there.

Read for yourself what the Bible says about the Last Supper: (Mt. 26:17-30, Mk. 14:12-26, Lk. 22:7-39 and Jn. 13:1-17:26). He even said it four times (Jesus tended to say everything four times with different wording, just to be certain everybody could understand) Is there anyplace in that scripture where the almighty claims that he wanted to see future generations treat him as some kind of gingerbread man?

Quote:

Jesus, as seen by Eucharist-believers.
Now, when you believe insane blasphemy that that, it's only a small leap to gluten-free insane blasphemy.

So, which body part of Christ is the gluten-free one? Is it his left buttock that's made of rice, or the right?

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), United Methodist, Christian Reformed, Episcopal, and Lutheran churches/covens believe this.

Catholics are currently employing legions of bureaucrats to answer this problem - and not one of them has noticed that, according to Catholic Church Dogma, when the wheat cracker hits the stomach it transforms into human flesh. (Raw or cooked, I don't know or care). Hey geniuses, Meat is gluten-free!

However, to disprove this claim that communion gives you a belly full of human blood and body-part, all it takes is for one person to vomit after communion (the quality of their wine makes this inevitable). Heck, doing what every fashion model does and purging after communion could solve this gluten problem also. I wouldn't be surprised if at least one of the disciples were binge-and-purgers, just look at how ripped they are. How else did they stay so thin? They obviously weren't on the Atkins diet.

I myself am going to vomit if I have to keep thinking about these blasphemous, occult cannibalism rituals.

My advice to you is to quit whining about your "Coeliac disease" and suck it up. God sends plagues, to punish us when we're bad, and to test our faith when we're good. (Exodus 9:9-11 Num 14:36-37, Num 16:41-50, 2 Samuel 24:13) He even deliberately targets the digestive tract: (1 Samuel 5:6-12) It is not our lot to try to thwart God's will.

Cripples should graciously submit to the plagues that God has smitten them with. "Who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?" -- Exodus 4:11

The Bible specifically says that cripples, defined as anyone with ANY blemish, are not to approach the altar at Church:

"Whosoever ... hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;... Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries." -- Leviticus 21:17-23

Don't worry, you'll still be a allowed at the back of the church. You might want to bring binoculars, and avoid bringing any valuables that the coloreds might steal.

In my day people knew how to suffer in silence, without demanding special privileges, or trying to rewrite history by implying that Jesus also served gluten-free bread at the Last Supper. What's next, a claim that the loaves and fishes miracle involved only fish labeled dolphin-free? That the Three Wise Men brought "conflict-free" gold and "hypoallergenic" incense and "fair trade" myrrh?

Suck it up, cripple. Stop whining and start winning!

Ps. It's spelled P.H.D.


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Donate to the Sacred Life Sperm Bank today! "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you". -Jeremiah 1:5, and Psalm 139:13

Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 02-14-2014 at 03:41 PM. Reason: She had a problem with her period
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