[Pastor Ezekiel]

Checklist and Frequently Asked Questions!

What can I do to help my child have a great camp experience?

Fathers, before your boy leaves for camp, privately discuss the importance your church family's reputation. Make sure that he is fully aware that if he does anything to embarrass you or the Lord this summer, Jesus will tell on him and you will beat his little bare behind with a rusty buckle and have him shipped off to a Russian orphanage when he gets home. Let him know that you didn't raise him to be a sissy or a cry-baby so if you get word that any of that nonsense is going on, he'll have to find a new Daddy when he gets back from camp, because you don't want him to be your son anymore.

How do I Handle Homesickness?

Mothers, if you receive a call from the camp Pastor, telling you that your child is acting like a little Nancy boy and crying about how much he misses his mother, resist the temptation to "rescue" your child. You are not permitted to communicate with your child for the entire four weeks he is away at camp. Please understand that we are doing everything in our power to make a man out of your 12-year-old boy. We own him for a month. Any calls you receive from the camp Pastor are just phone calls letting you know that your child is being whipped with a tree branch in accordance with camp policy or being locked in a bear cave until he cries himself dry.

What to Bring to Bible Camp?

• King James Bible (1611 version)
• Highlighter
• Semi-Automatic Pistol
• Revolver with Telescopic Lens
• Plenty of Ammunition
• Knives suitable for skinning
• Cell Phone and Walkie Talkie
• Fireworks
• Tape Recorder
• Hand Cuffs
• One Change of Clothes
• Money for Offering Plate
• Rope

What to leave at home?

• Notebook, Pens and Pencils
• Secular Music
• Sleeping Bag
• PJ's
• Soap and Shampoo
• Swimsuit
• Flashlight
• Camera and Film
• Stuffed Animals
• Sunscreen
• Insect Repellant
• Rain Gear
• Sissy Friends

What are the Fees and are there Refunds?

The $2500 deposit is non-refundable. The balance of the Bible camper fee ($18,000.00) is due the day of registration. If your child is unable to attend (due to death or loss of more than two limbs) please cancel within 10 days by calling the Registrar, Henry (The Bull) Nelson @ 800-788-CAMP. This way that spot may then be available for another youngster.

What is the policy on Sleeping Mates?

Sleeping assignments are made by the Bible Camp staff, prior to the start of each session. Our counselors observe each boy through closed circuit cameras as they are left to fend for themselves alone in the wilderness for the first two days. During this time they are carefully studied by a staff of Creation Scientists to detect any outward manifestations of possible homosexual tendencies, such as fear and excessive wiping with leaves after defecation. We utilize our findings to avoid placing two molly-coddlers in the same sleeping bag for the next several weeks. Friends are not allowed to bunk together (where cabins are available during the end of the third week) We will try, whenever possible to honor the requests of parents whose income brackets and contributions to the church warrant special sleeping arrangement requests made with pre-registration. All boys (except the offspring of Platinum-level tithing parents) will be forced to eat what is scooped onto their tin plates. Camp is no place for finicky eaters or silly claims about allergies. Platinum level tithers are encouraged to get special dietary requests to room service three weeks before departure.

What are the guidelines for Phone Calls?

Your child's personal cell phone is never to be used to contact friends and family. Cell phones are to be used exclusively to call the camp Pastor to report other children for insubordination. Cell phones may also be used if your child finds himself in a life threatening emergency situation.. Examples would be a gun wound to the head or being mauled by a grizzly bear. Being treed by a grizzly bear is not an emergency. It is a character-building event, and should be waited out if the child is unarmed.

Do I send food with my child?

Please do not send food to camp with your child. Each child will be given a satchel of dried locusts to serve as a Bible trail mix. Other than that, understand that your child is attending Bible camp to learn post-apocalyptic techniques on how to hunt, stalk, and kill his own food or starve to death. No meals are served in the first two weeks. You child will also learn to barter and share the love of Jesus at gunpoint should they be left behind as part of the unsaved remnant after the Great Tribulation.

How much money should my child take to Camp?

Your child should take 30 twenty-dollar bills. An offering will be taken up after morning services each day. By enabling your youngster to place a $20 bill in the collection plate, he will learn the importance of giving money to people who matter most to the Lord. Any child who fails to put $20 into the offering plate will be taught a valuable lesson about peer pressure and mob dynamics. The child will then be locked in a bat-infested cave for the duration of the summer where he can more carefully contemplate his selfishness.

What is there to do?

Apocalyptic wilderness survival training, Bible reading, Scripture memory contests, marksmanship competitions, Old testament wild deer and boar sacrifices, gun care and cleaning, manly fellowship, Bible skits, and evening super surprise game competitions where children use tranquilizer guns to hunt unsaved homeless people who are dropped into the mountains by helicopter.

Who can come?

Landover Baptist Vacation Bible Camp is for anyone who finished Grade 3 up to those finished grade 6. Optional grade 7 for those who attended last year and failed to kill an endangered animal and memorize over 50 Bible verses.

What is the time schedule?

We are using a Bible based time schedule at camp. Thus, we are operating in what camp counselors refer to as "Eternity Mode." By depriving your child of food and sleep for days at a time, we pray that he will experience a complete loss of time and space, and ultimately self-worth at various points within the 30 days, coming to a better understanding of his piteousness in the eyes of the Lord.

What if my child is caught with Drugs or Alcohol on the camp property?

Drugs and alcohol will be confiscated by the camp Pastor. Your child will be stripped naked and a full cavity search will be mechanically performed. The child will then be forced to endure the next 30 days of Vacation Bible Camp without clothes or company.

[Unsaved and Loving It]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

• Revolver with Telescopic Lens

How's this look?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Unsaved and Loving It

How's this look?

That's fine for a kid.

Send your down payment of $2500.00 USD to reserve your spot using the Paypal button below. So you don't forget, act before midnight tonight!

[H. Montague Worthington]

All I need to survive is a Holy Bible (KJV 1611), a tamborine, a 9mm glock, six boxes of ammo, and $600,000 in cash.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by H. Montague Worthington

All I need to survive is a Holy Bible (KJV 1611), a tamborine, a 9mm glock, six boxes of ammo, and $600,000 in cash.

Praise Jesus! All the skills you learned at Vacation Bible Gun Camp so many years ago, when my father Pastor Job was running the place.

I'll bet you still have the "branded for Jesus" mark on your right buttock, eh Brother Monty?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Pastor Deacon Fred has asked me to issue the following statement:

"It is always sad to see little tykes leave us--especially before they have had an opportunity to make a "WWJD" potholder for their mommies to remember them by. But the fact is that every year some kids have got to be the Muslims if we are going to be able to perform our annual Crusades reenactment. I send out my sincere condolences, but remind all parents that, regardless of the circumstance, Vacation Bible School tuition is not refundable or prorated through the time of impalement."

I hope this puts an end to the nasty gossip that has been going around the congregation lately. Thank you, and Praise Jesus!

[Joo (Quarantined)]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Pastor Deacon Fred has asked me to issue the following statement:

"It is always sad to see little tykes leave us--especially before they have had an opportunity to make a "WWJD" potholder for their mommies to remember them by. But the fact is that every year some kids have got to be the Muslims if we are going to be able to perform our annual Crusades reenactment. I send out my sincere condolences, but remind all parents that, regardless of the circumstance, Vacation Bible School tuition is not refundable or prorated through the time of impalement."

I hope this puts an end to the nasty gossip that has been going around the congregation lately. Thank you, and Praise Jesus!

Speaking of Fred, does he ever post on these forums?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Joo

Speaking of Fred, does he ever post on these forums?

I assume you are referring to PASTOR Deacon Fred. If you weren't such a lazy cuss, you'd look for yourself.

And btw, any further disrespect to such a Blessed Pastor....a man who actually has tea with Betty Bowers...will be met with a very harsh rebuke. Very. Got it, hebe?

[Unsaved and Loving It]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

I assume you are referring to PASTOR Deacon Fred. If you weren't such a lazy cuss, you'd look for yourself.

And btw, any further disrespect to such a Blessed Pastor....a man who actually has tea with Betty Bowers...will be met with a very harsh rebuke. Very. Got it, hebe?

In other words, no.

[Joo (Quarantined)]

Originally Posted by Unsaved and Loving It

In other words, no.

Yeah. You see Zeke? you could save a lot of energy if you had just said "no" but you have to go on a long tirade about all that stuff which never pans out into anything other than I am retarded. Good going old bean!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Pastor Deacon Fred has asked me to issue the following statement:

"It is always sad to see little tykes leave us--especially before they have had an opportunity to make a "WWJD" potholder for their mommies to remember them by. But the fact is that every year some kids have got to be the Muslims if we are going to be able to perform our annual Crusades reenactment. I send out my sincere condolences, but remind all parents that, regardless of the circumstance, Vacation Bible School tuition is not refundable or prorated through the time of impalement."

I hope this puts an end to the nasty gossip that has been going around the congregation lately. Thank you, and Praise Jesus!

Praise Jesus HERE is another Bible Camp that has the right idea. Too bad they are so soft on the kids. I see the "PC Police" have tried to harass them again....

2 arrested in alleged dragging of girl behind van at Christian boot camp


BANQUETE, Texas — The director of a Christian boot camp and an employee were arrested Friday for allegedly dragging a 15-year-old girl behind a van after she fell behind the group during a morning run, authorities said.

Charles Eugene Flowers and Stephanie Bassitt of San Antonio-based Love Demonstrated Ministries, a 32-day boot camp, were arrested on aggravated assault charges for the alleged June 12 incident.

The two are accused of tying the girl to the van with a rope then dragging her, according to an arrest affidavit filed Wednesday by the Nueces County Sheriff's Department.

Both remained in Nueces County Jail late Friday on $100,000 bond each.

A call to Love Demonstrated Ministries was not immediately returned Friday. No listing was found for Bassitt. An answering machine at a listing for Flowers cut off during an attempt to leave a message Friday.

Flowers, the camp's director, allegedly ordered Bassitt to run alongside the girl after she fell behind, the affidavit said. When the girl stopped running, Bassitt allegedly yelled at her and pinned her to the ground while Flowers tied the rope to her, according to the affidavit.

The girl's mother gave investigators photos of her daughter's injuries that were taken at a hospital where the girl was treated and a sworn statement from a witness who claimed to see the girl being dragged on her stomach at least three times.

See, we don't use vans at Landover's Bible Gun Camp. We use Godly Humvees. Donated by the DOF, of course.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Don't forget to register your kids! Camp is almost sold out!!

[BelieverInGod]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Don't forget to register your kids! Camp is almost sold out!!

What are the dates this year, and if I fly my boys into Des Moines, can somebody pick them up at the airport?

Also, do you have guns at the camp they can use? I could send them down with a couple, but the government would probably confiscate them on the way back up. Or I guess I could make an Internet purchase through Brother Bob, and just have the guns at the camp for them.

Edit:
Should of read the whole thread first

• Semi-Automatic Pistol
• Revolver with Telescopic Lens
• Plenty of Ammunition
• Knives suitable for skinning
• Fireworks
• Hand Cuffs
• Rope

I'll contact Brother Bob, as soon as you let me know the dates. Oh, and why do you not teach any long barrel skills?

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

I had heard that G. Gordon Liddy was going to give an address to the campers. Is it too early to confirm this?

If he is not available, maybe Olly North and/or Todd Palin might be able to make it. If you get Todd, maybe he could skin something. I'll see if the petting zoo has an old doe it wants to get rid of.

[Johny Joe Hold]

This is truly one of the highlights of summer in Freehold. The weapons, training and exercises and the bonding among Christian boys is a sight to behold.

By the end of summer, these boys have become young men. We hate to see them leave Freehold. But alas, their own communities around the world call them to service. They must use the knowledge and experience gained to Gun Camp to defend the Christian life where ever they live.

[Phebe Carlyle]

Pastor Ezekiel,

Although I know this is purely MANS business, I would like to ask if any international boys are allowed at the camp?

I ask for several warranted reasons.

Although the Pastor of my Church does all he can to guide the young boys of our Church, to being good God fearing Soldiers of Christ, a few have me worried, as they are more prone to come over to me when I am giving instruction to the girls on the perfect sweet crust pie base, than that of wood-chopping and gun handling the Pastor teaches.

It of course is not the Pastors fault by any means. He spends much time: even focusing so much, he spends a lot of 1-1 time with each and every boy;pounding and pounding his love of a good log and his pistol into them, but to no avail. I reckon it has much to do with the hardened gun laws here as to why they won't willingly accept the Pastor's very firm, but also very loving offerings.

It irks me that secular law always gets in the way of proper Christian teachings.

Anyway as this is of concern, is there any way at all possible that room could be made for these Australian boys too?

YIC,

WS.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Foreigners? Well, it's never been done before...Are they White at least? We sure can't take any knuckle-dragging abos.

How much are their parents able to Tithe?

[Phebe Carlyle]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Foreigners? Well, it's never been done before...Are they White at least? We sure can't take any knuckle-dragging abos.

How much are their parents able to Tithe?

Oh thank you so much for your prompt reply, Pastor Ezekiel!

Well, yes of course they are white! One cannot be saved unless they can read after all!

Their parents are good, Godly people too. All of them (as well as I) voted for John Howard ( One of President GW Bush's best friends no less!!) last election! He however did not win, as satan intervened, but that is why it is so important to nip (and whip if need be) any thought of "free thought" out of these boys NOW! If they are looking at pie crust recipes now... what will be next?

As to tithing? Ample and able, rest assured and if you would allow these boys in, they are happy to give the deposit, plus the 18,000 and of course, because their boys will be shown the RIGHT way, extra monetary gratitude for The Lord!

Please at least ponder the situation as I just had one come over to me.. telling me to dust the blueberries with icing sugar prior to adding them to the pie and to crimp the pie top with a fork instead of a spoon!

I am close to my wits end!!

YIC,

WS