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Question HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-03-2011, 09:12 AM

IF YOU ARE NOT A MALE MEMBER OF OUR CONGREGATION, STOP READING NOW.








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Brothers, I can't sleep, and I don't know where else to go. Earlier this evening, my sons and I were watching The Passion of the Christ. Long story short, I've had an erection for the last 6 hours and it's not showing any sign of going away. I would normally take this as an opportunity so sire another son upon my wife, but she is on her unclean time. I've tried calling up three different Pastors, but none of them are answering their phones.

What do I do? I finally broke down and called that pervert Dr. Golding in Des Moines, and he told me I have a priapism. If I don't do something about it soon, they'll have to cut off my tallywhacker! I am reticent to go to the secular emergency room so that those perverts can try to put moves on me.

What do I do???


II Thessalonians 1:7-9
And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power



The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony
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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-03-2011, 09:30 AM

There's this thing called viagra that the Nigerians try to sell via spam. It's a devil drug that does just that to a man so he will be tempted to fornicate or worse.

Are you totally sure one of your sons hasn't slipped you a tablet in your food as a prank or something? I would seriously consider standing over them and demanding the truth while brandishing the rod.



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-03-2011, 09:42 AM

I normally get a bit excited when the Romans start to scourge Jesus. That's not unusual. In fact, most Christians I've talked to about it have a similar experience. It's just that.... it's not going away, and it hurts.

I'm seriously about to lose it here.


II Thessalonians 1:7-9
And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power



The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony
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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-03-2011, 09:53 AM

Have you tried looking at a picture of Hilary Clinton?



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

Join me in scoffing at backwards Muslims clinging to their beliefs in the face of the evidence!
The truth about volcanos
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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-03-2011, 11:15 AM

I find this whole discussion rather alarming.

It would appear that I was suffering from priapism for a goodly share of my life and never knew it was a medical condition.

I was well into my forties before I found out that "Mr. Johnson's" natural state was looking at my shoes.


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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-03-2011, 02:34 PM

Maybe you should have concubine to take care of that? Bible does mentions concubines many times. Of course you would first need opinion of Senior Pastor

YiC, M


Romans 1:18 - For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness;
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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-03-2011, 05:38 PM

Brother, I just flew in from Hong Kong where I was attempting to spread God's word to a group of wealthy slants. I can meet you in my private study in 15 minutes, and I promise that I can take care of that problem of yours. I'm an hand at that kind of service.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-06-2011, 10:29 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I can meet you in my private study in 15 minutes, and I promise that I can take care of that problem of yours. I'm an hand at that kind of service.
The both of you are going to hell for being flaming homosexuals. An erect penis in the presence of men means you're gay. Offering a handjob is even gayer.
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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-06-2011, 10:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by diablo666 View Post
The both of you are going to hell for being flaming homosexuals. An erect penis in the presence of men means you're gay. Offering a handjob is even gayer.
Did you just accuse True Christians™ of being homosexual? All Pastors are screened from gayness by the Holy Spirit from what they must sometimes do to cleanse sin from those they lay hands on to heal. You would know this if you weren't some desperate hedonist bent on turning people to Satan.



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

Join me in scoffing at backwards Muslims clinging to their beliefs in the face of the evidence!
The truth about volcanos
Sex and debauchery in public schools
Faith wins over science (explained for even the very stupid)
God Cures AIDS - GLORY!
Desert whale bones prove Great Flood once and for all.
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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-06-2011, 03:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by diablo666 View Post
The both of you are going to hell for being flaming homosexuals. An erect penis in the presence of men means you're gay. Offering a handjob is even gayer.
What is with the unsaved they see gay stuff every where. They are just obsessed with it.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Exclamation Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-06-2011, 09:22 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by diablo666 View Post
The both of you are going to hell for being flaming homosexuals. An erect penis in the presence of men means you're gay. Offering a handjob is even gayer.
Is everything a penis with you people? Just because a man is in a truck stop restroom, tapping his toe to a little ditty he heard on True Christian Radio© does not mean that he wants a glory hole handjob from you.

You perverts horrify me!


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-06-2011, 10:46 PM

Brother Jedidiah, my deepest sympathy. I believe you do have to be careful with this situation: If you have them operating on your tallywacker, they may make a mistake and you may turn into a gay Atheist! (A bit of a pleonasm, of course, to make my point clear.)

Deuteronomy 23:1-3: He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

I would recommend vigorous praying to pray the priapism away. And beating your wife with an utensil of your choice, since it's probably her fault this happened to begin with.


John 20:27: Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.
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Default Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ! - 12-07-2011, 01:28 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thomas Dalton View Post
I would recommend vigorous praying to pray the priapism away.
It's okay. I think....

I lanced it.

It's looking pretty rough, though, and if any more of the flesh starts turning grey, I think I'll have to ask the men of the church over to conduct a laying-on-of-hands.

Mark 16:18
They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.


II Thessalonians 1:7-9
And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power



The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony
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