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Default Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-08-2018, 03:54 AM

Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

The tragic fate of my husband and two eldest sons has been confirmed. I have received the news by phone this evening by the local sheriff in the town where Mr. Moans, Rush and Crusher were last seen alive.

The culprit behind their untimely demises appears to be this gigantic catfish, caught this morning by the local rescue team.





Inside the beastie's belly was the partially digested remains of my beloved Mr. Moans. Before that, the drowned corpses of Rush and Crusher bobbed up on shore alarming the locals.

Job 41:1 Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook?
Or his tongue with a cord which thou lettest down?



The forensic team theorized that the fishing trip turned to tragedy when Mr. Moans tried to go after the gargantuan fish and successfully captured it, as evidenced by this last photograph of him alive, found caught in their capsized fishing boat.



Sadly, when Mr. Moans tried to take the beast by hand out of the water, the momental water displacement created a violent whirlpool that sucked both Rush and Crusher under. Mr. Moans lost control and was devoured in one go by the hungry fish.

Naturally, I'm in an absolute state, shaken by this sudden act of God. Of course, I'm never to question Him if he sees it fit to claim my spouse and eldest kin. I must contact Mr. Cohen, the recommended lawyer immediately over the matter of my husband's life insurance policy. With Ulick gone, he's not around to protect it, and I want to make sure it will be safe.

A service and visitation will be held this Sunday evening at 5, after the main service. I will warn it will be an open casket, not by choice, but for pragamatic reasons. Being a tin tither, I can't afford large fancy caskets, and unfortunately their bloated, purple water logged bodies won't allow the cheaper casket lids to close properly. None the less, you are welcome to endure the stench and pay your humble respects.



THE MOANS CHILDREN Adelaide Eunice Rush Crusher(FISHING ACCIDENT) Truth Lloyd Mildrew Angina (DIED IN A FIRE) Scooter Bud Carson Bobby (DIED IN A FIRE) Modesty(SLAIN BY A BULLET) Boomhauer Donald Grenadine Lysol(SUCKED BY A TORNADO)
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Default Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-08-2018, 06:12 AM

Wow, you just haven't had luck in the family department, have you? I'm assuming you had life insurance on all these unlucky relatives?
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Default Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-08-2018, 07:13 AM

My Dear Sister Moans,

I can sympathize with your situation as I, myself, had a bereavement not so long ago. I don't have time to go into detail here but let's just say it was rather traumatic, to say the least.


Don't worry too much about the loss of more family members but think rather more on the fact that God is trying to tell you something.


Matthew 5:4 - Blessed [are] they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.


Remember that through your mourning you are blessed. So, taking into consideration the number of children you have lost, you should feel extremely blessed.


Hope this helps.


YIC
TT
PS. When are they going to fry that delicious looking catfish?


Isaiah 66:15

For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.
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Jesus Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-08-2018, 01:08 PM

Sister,

as if your life wasn’t complicated enough I was able to find the deposit that the late Mr. Moans put down for your sons’ camp. As the contract clearly states there are no refunds.

I hope the funeral is a wonderful experience. Have a nice day.

BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-08-2018, 02:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by DolliMoans View Post
tl;dr (much too long)
So, three more sodomites are now in ? Praise Jesus! Except of this last part, did the reporting of this incident work in the interests of Jesus and the Donald here on Earth? Or LBC? Anyway, catfish taste like mud. Only palatable for the poor unsaved trash that we'll always have. Matthew 26:11. So I suppose you grilled it? OK, time to stop sobbing and start converting the sinners!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-08-2018, 07:07 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
So, three more sodomites are now in ? Praise Jesus! Except of this last part, did the reporting of this incident work in the interests of Jesus and the Donald here on Earth? Or LBC? Anyway, catfish taste like mud. Only palatable for the poor unsaved trash that we'll always have. Matthew 26:11. So I suppose you grilled it? OK, time to stop sobbing and start converting the sinners!
Apparently, it did work out! I exposed the sordid activities of my husband and sons, was met with disbelief and ridicule at first, much like Jesus did when he revealed himself Alive!

Luke 24:40-43 And when he had thus spoken, he shewed them his hands and his feet. 41 And while they yet believed not for joy, and wondered, he said unto them, Have ye here any meat? 42 And they gave him a piece of a broiled fish, and of an honeycomb. 43 And he took it, and did eat …

From this fact, I find it interesting Jesus chose to dispose of my homer husband and brats with a giant fish. It was though He was telling me, have faith Dolli, you've done My work by exposing their homersecular perversion, now let Me and your joo lawyer take care of the rest.

And yes, I did cook that whole fish! Waste not, want not, I have kids to feed! I will mail the excess leftovers to Brother Thomas Taylor who appears to have a palate for cheap cuts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
Sister,

as if your life wasn’t complicated enough I was able to find the deposit that the late Mr. Moans put down for your sons’ camp. As the contract clearly states there are no refunds.

I hope the funeral is a wonderful experience. Have a nice day.

BrotherLarry
Brother Larry, with all due respect I understand that deposit was for my several youngest runts who are still fighting strong. Would you be interested in spending a make up camp with my young ones, who need a strong Christian leader to help put the man in them?

You are most welcome to come to the visitation, it would mean so much. Scented candles and barf bags are provided, if the smell of soggy putrid flesh is disagreeable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dana723 View Post
Wow, you just haven't had luck in the family department, have you? I'm assuming you had life insurance on all these unlucky relatives?
It's God's Will, dear. It's why I have so many children, just in case I pop out a few bad apples who don't live past childhood. And yes, my husband had a handsome life insurance policy, I understand. He came from the antebellum Moans clan who got their family name from the sounds of the slaves who suffered worked hard on their famous Moans dillweed plantation. I heard rumors there may be buried treasure somewhere where the plantation once stood.


THE MOANS CHILDREN Adelaide Eunice Rush Crusher(FISHING ACCIDENT) Truth Lloyd Mildrew Angina (DIED IN A FIRE) Scooter Bud Carson Bobby (DIED IN A FIRE) Modesty(SLAIN BY A BULLET) Boomhauer Donald Grenadine Lysol(SUCKED BY A TORNADO)
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Default Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-09-2018, 12:13 AM

My condolences Dolli - Sometimes the seemingly most finest of men turn out to be sex-crazed homosexuals. You will have to be careful with your next choice of husband. Good luck!


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Default Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-09-2018, 10:41 PM

My condolences, Dolli. My father is especially unhappy since he'd been wondering if Rush would have made a good husband for me. I'll keep you and your children in my prayers.


And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.
Deuteronomy 6.5
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Default Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-10-2018, 02:10 AM

That's very kind to say Esther. Of course, if age is only a number, then you may find some of my next eldest sons suitable. Lloyd is 16 and quite a prize; a very well developed young man suitable for all needs, and Scooter will soon be broaching puberty if she's likes them when they're ripening.


THE MOANS CHILDREN Adelaide Eunice Rush Crusher(FISHING ACCIDENT) Truth Lloyd Mildrew Angina (DIED IN A FIRE) Scooter Bud Carson Bobby (DIED IN A FIRE) Modesty(SLAIN BY A BULLET) Boomhauer Donald Grenadine Lysol(SUCKED BY A TORNADO)
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Default Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-10-2018, 08:19 AM

My prayers are with you Sister. "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Revelation 21:4


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Default Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons? - 05-10-2018, 05:45 PM

Truly inspiring Sister Johnson.Thank you.


THE MOANS CHILDREN Adelaide Eunice Rush Crusher(FISHING ACCIDENT) Truth Lloyd Mildrew Angina (DIED IN A FIRE) Scooter Bud Carson Bobby (DIED IN A FIRE) Modesty(SLAIN BY A BULLET) Boomhauer Donald Grenadine Lysol(SUCKED BY A TORNADO)
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