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True Christian™ Creation Scientist Fisher of Men
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,835
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
06-03-2012, 09:45 PM
Brothers in Christ,
This afternoon as I was collecting the trash from around the house to take out for pickup, I found a semen-drenched bundle of toilet paper in my son's bedroom. I have notified the Pastors, and suffice it to say that there will be severe consequences followed up by months of Christian counseling for young Isaiah. Keep us in your prayers as we go through this difficult time.
But that is not why I am posting here. I would like to invite you all over next weekend for the funeral for the millions of sperm-babies who were so senselessly murdered. There will be an open-casket wake Friday evening, where you can come by and say a prayer and leave your respects for the sperm babies. The funeral service will be at 3:00 pm on Saturday, followed by burial in my back yard. Light hors d'ouvres will be provided afterward. Please wear your Sunday best.
In lieu of flowers, the family of the deceased asks that you make your checks payable to Landover Baptist Church Youth Fellowship.
YIC
II Thessalonians 1:7-9
And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power
The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony
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Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
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Posts: 9,051
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
06-03-2012, 09:51 PM
My deepest condolences at this trying time, Brother.
I won't be able to attend in person but I'm sure the webcast will be of the same high level of quality as Brother Portway's wedding (just with less whining and crying).
YIC
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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True Christian™ Just a Regular Nice Guy
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Posts: 29,835
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Between Lynchburg and Walton's Mountain
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
06-03-2012, 09:51 PM
Jed, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My and my families deepest condolences.
I'll skip my sons high school graduation of course (not like I'll be missing anything, seems there is one every year) and will be at your side, giving you the support you need in times of sorrow such as this.
If you'd like, I'd be happy to take your son aside and express the displeasure Jesus has when he ejaculates the Seed of Onan® without the express purpose of impregnating his wife.
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
06-04-2012, 01:04 AM
I'm still waiting for my customary Funeral Fee to be wired over. Millions of dead sperm got you a discount, but only after the first 10,000 wiggly boys.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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True Christian™ Creation Scientist Fisher of Men
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,835
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
06-04-2012, 02:18 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
I'm still waiting for my customary Funeral Fee to be wired over. Millions of dead sperm got you a discount, but only after the first 10,000 wiggly boys.
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I left a message with the bank, but it will be some time tomorrow before they can let me set up a Home Equity Line of Credit.
II Thessalonians 1:7-9
And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power
The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony
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Family Man of the Year 2010-2013 About as Straight and Manly as you can get Hates anal sex. And trees.
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,323
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Protecting my children from homosexuals
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
06-04-2012, 02:27 AM
At least they weren't DOA inside another man's anus. I imagine Ofc. Richards' job of drawing the chalk outlines was traumatic enough as it was.
The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!
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Moderator Arms Dealer for CHRIST Hands folded for Jesus
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Posts: 5,251
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: On the Straight and Narrow (Earthly location: Freehold, Iowa)
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
06-04-2012, 09:04 AM
This is deeply troubling news, brother.
How is your family holding up? It must be so hard.
I know it's difficult, but facts are facts. Your son is a selfish murderer, and should be treated as such until he repents and promises JESUS never to kill another sperm baby ever again.
Have you decided on a fitting punishment yet?
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True Christian™ Officer of THE Law
True Christian™
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Posts: 490
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Freehold Iowa, God's Favorite City!
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
06-09-2012, 04:43 AM
Jedediah, I hope you don't mind if I share the results of my rigorous investigation. If you don't want this on the internet, just let me know and I'll see if it can be removed.
Preliminary CSI (Christian Science Investigation) lab results and prayer have revealed that the sperm died within twenty minutes of being entombed in the paper towel. Please take some comfort knowing your unborn grandchildren did not suffer very long before the end. Also, the report shows your son may not be getting enough zinc.
The sheriff's office estimates that the murder occurred some time during the early afternoon, and we will be needing to question you and your son as to why he wasn't busy doing something constructive, like reading the Bible or learning to use a firearm. This kind of depravity taking place in broad daylight, and right inside a True Christian home, should be very concerning to all of us.
Your son is currently under investigation for violations of 1 Corinthians 6:18-19, Leviticus 18:22, since a male pleasuring a penis, even his own, is a homosexual action, and potentially Matthew 5:28, depending on if investigators turn up any Playboys or JC Penney catalogs.
Please keep your son under house arrest for us, as it saves me time and tax money not having to book him down at the station. Let me know if you need the key to the handcuffs.
Over and out.
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Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,223
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Thong-infested Florida©
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-04-2012, 04:39 AM
Technically dead?
Dead is dead.
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Unsaved trash, demonic godmocker
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Posts: 64
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: peeing in Christ's cornflakes
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-04-2012, 03:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zechariah Smyth
Technically dead?
Dead is dead.
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God really had an off day when he made you
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,450
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-04-2012, 04:11 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by godswrath1
God really had an off day when he made you
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God only created two humans. Zech =/= Adam.
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Unsaved trash, demonic godmocker
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Posts: 64
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: peeing in Christ's cornflakes
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-04-2012, 04:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much
God only created two humans. Zech =/= Adam.
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Do you even belive in god ....
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,450
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-04-2012, 04:27 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by godswrath1
Do you even belive in god ....
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You don't, so what's it to you?
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Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,223
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Thong-infested Florida©
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08-05-2012, 09:02 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by godswrath1
God really had an off day when he made you
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God doesn't have off days, numbnuts.
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With faith as immovable as the Earth
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,779
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Body in England but HEART IN FREEHOLD!
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-05-2012, 09:30 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zechariah Smyth
God doesn't have off days, numbnuts.
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Although he does have days off.
Genesis 2:2
And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
But I reckon He deserved it after creating everything, the earth, the firmament, man and woman, good and evil etc.
I must say I think He did a super job.
YIC
Jack
Genesis 22:2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
I know God wouldn't let me believe in Him if He didn't exist.
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Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
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Posts: 9
Join Date: Aug 2012
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-06-2012, 08:17 PM
I am really confused with you lot on here...
You are all saying the son is a murderer etc killing the sperm, yet on another thread I have posted on, people are saying they happily kill animals for fun!!
What is the difference exactly?
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 3
Join Date: Aug 2012
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-25-2012, 08:45 AM
YOOOOO! piffle ME!
MY GIDDY FAKE GOD THEIR MUST HAVE BEEN A MASSACRE IN MY ROOM!
INFORM THE PIGS!
ILL START COLLECTING THE EVIDENCE,
SH*T. I JUST REALISED, THEIR MUST BE A SHIT LOAD OF THE STUFF ALL OVER THIS KEYBOARD!
NOOOOOOOOOO!
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Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
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Posts: 9,051
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-25-2012, 12:00 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by tardhickley
YOOOOO! piffle ME!
MY GIDDY FAKE GOD THEIR MUST HAVE BEEN A MASSACRE IN MY ROOM!
INFORM THE PIGS!
ILL START COLLECTING THE EVIDENCE,
SH*T. I JUST REALISED, THEIR MUST BE A SHIT LOAD OF THE STUFF ALL OVER THIS KEYBOARD!
NOOOOOOOOOO!
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It seems to have become gummed up in your shift key, Bother.
Maybe if you got out of your mum's basement and into the fresh air you might meet a nice Christian lady and actually have real sex (after you are married to procreate, of course).
YIC
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Descended from Rapes
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,548
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold Bible Campground and RV Park.
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-25-2012, 03:05 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by tardhickley
YOOOOO! piffle ME!
MY GIDDY FAKE GOD THEIR MUST HAVE BEEN A MASSACRE IN MY ROOM!
INFORM THE PIGS!
ILL START COLLECTING THE EVIDENCE,
SH*T. I JUST REALISED, THEIR MUST BE A SHIT LOAD OF THE STUFF ALL OVER THIS KEYBOARD!
NOOOOOOOOOO!
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You must think "Shindler's List" was the funniest movie ever made you sick homo. We come to this thread to morn the loss of young life wich is now burning in Hell.
Leviticus 13:40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.
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True Christian™ Creation Scientist Fisher of Men
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,835
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00 -
08-25-2012, 08:49 PM
Indeed. The loss of my grandchildren is much worse than the supposed "Holocaust", however, since there is a strong chance they would have gone onto accept Jesus and glorify Him, unlike the Christ-killing Jews.
II Thessalonians 1:7-9
And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power
The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony
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