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Default Murder? - 11-20-2006, 08:16 PM
Hello this is Mr. Green asking for some Christian Advice.


As you all know I am in England visiting a friend named Dr. Lawrence Black. He was keeping up good with swallowing all my Christian preachings I given him(Landover style of course) untill recently he held a party at his mansion with 10 or 12 other unsaved harlots and homers (Including a Fwench Canuckian, a niggeress, and other abomidable filth) . Needless to say I was appalled and began my immediate rebuking to Lawrence who had simply gone too far. Finally he blabbers that he was going to discontinue his tithing and religion thinking that Landover Baptists were false Christians! He annonced he was going to convert to Homerism and Veganism which we all know there is no difference. There was no point in arguing, I had to leave this Hell House! The problem is that it was raining real bad and my green hummer was stuck so deep in mud in which it could not get out.


During the night, I contemplated the different ways I could get him back into LBC shape so I wouldn't have to let 12 years of cold hard preaching to go down the drain. The next morning, his cook found him dead in the Cellar, apparently murdered. Because he had denounced the Lord, he didn't have the proper chance to repent his wickedness, so now I'm certain he is burning in Hell on top of Satan's spikey tallywhacker.



Now my problem is, has anybody dealt with this rather trying situation before? Where somebody you know has been murdered? What kind of of alibi would you use, because the police don't seem to believe me. Oh I hate England. I miss the good ol' USA when the Christian police are on your side because they know Christians are always innocent, after all, it aint murder if God tells you to do it(Not that I did or anything). But I'm dealing with pansy Pritish police here, so if you get off on the wrong foot with someone, your automatically guilty and I need out of this Unholy mess.

-A very flustered Mr. Green.
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 08:40 PM
um....pretty sure murder is murder

your doing 25 to life before you go to hell my friend! I'll see you there!
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 08:46 PM
Ahh but that's where you are very wrong you illiterate heaven! If you could read, then you would see that I clearly stated I did not murder Lawrence. As a Christian I cannot lie, so chalk that up for my innocence.

Also you may burn alone sinner. I never got Satan's invite to join his "party".
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 08:48 PM
Ah but if he was found murdered in his house which you stayed at overnight than who infact killed him?
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 08:54 PM
Hmmmmm, I don't know. Maybe one of the 11 HEATHENS who also stayed the night in his mansion. If you insist on trying to prove false guilt then try asking intellegent questions that haven't been answered. After all, Illiterism is a false cult, and your a pratically a member already.


-a very irritated Mr. Green
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 08:55 PM
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Ah but if he was found murdered in his house which you stayed at overnight than who infact killed him?
Vindictive little accuser. How do you know he didn't fall on a knife?

Dean
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 09:03 PM
There is no problem here at all. Christians don't murder people, so the only remaining possibility is a conspiracy of heathens or, more likely, the butler did it. Was anyone there named Colonel Mustard?

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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 09:08 PM
How did this heathen meet his well deserved death at Jesus hands?
Please, give us all the details, and we will see what you can do to improve your situation.

May Jesus watch over you in these trying times.

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Talking Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
There is no problem here at all. Christians don't murder people, so the only remaining possibility is a conspiracy of heathens or, more likely, the butler did it. Was anyone there named Colonel Mustard?

and did he do it in the library or the kitchen with the candestick or the revolver ahhahahaha
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 09:12 PM
Why I believe there was a Colonel Gregory Mustard there, and from what I gathered, he is from The USA's own army. Since he is part of our GODLY military, I'm sure the police wouldn't mind if Mustard did it provided Lawrence was a terrorist sympathsizer(which he probably was).


But that could still raise questions. Hmmmmmm, I don't think the Colonel did it. I still betting on that voodoo maumbo-jumbo niggeress who was the abomination at the party.
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 09:25 PM
This is a reply to Salvation Seeker,


I just inquired and found out that Lawrence had a rope burn on his neck, so he could of been strangled. This just furthers the fact that I didn't do it, because any TRUE Christian would use a GODLY Military Jesus-worthy gun than a sissy peice of pansy rope! Eugh!
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 09:29 PM
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This is a reply to Salvation Seeker,


I just inquired and found out that Lawrence had a rope burn on his neck, so he could of been strangled. This just furthers the fact that I didn't do it, because any TRUE Christian would use a GODLY Military Jesus-worthy gun than a sissy peice of pansy rope! Eugh!
A rope eh?
Was there any sadomasochistic homers at the mansion?
Especially if the rope didn't come from the mansions own storage..

Who other but a homer would bring a rope?
( Unless you were planning to string a few negros up. )

If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-20-2006, 09:36 PM
Well there was a homer professor at the mansion who was trying to promote evilution. I question his doctorate.

I myself didn't bring rope because I wasn't expecting any kneegrows at a presumably white only party, but I was quite wrong wasn't I? Lawrence had invited a crazy wiccan darkie female the cajun part of Louisiana who spoke gobbledigook named madame cecilia rose but she calls herself "Butterfly". How dumb. She probably still doesn't have a house since Katrina.



Fellow Christians, let this be known that you can never have enough rope.

-Mr. Green
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-21-2006, 12:12 AM
HORRAY! I'm cleared of any wrong doing! The police have caught the true killer, who happens to be none other than that harlot Miss Evelynne Scarlett! This woman is stupid feminist who strangled Lawrence Black with a peice of rope in the Conservatory..or greenhouse, what every you perfer. She killed him because he threatened to tell the newpaper that she had slept with every single male at the party (except me!) ! I'm sure dear old Mrs. Judy O' Christian of Landover would have a fit if she knew what Miss Harlot was up too! She is sentenced to life imprisonment and after that, Satan will take care of the rest. Jesus and I shall have a good belly laugh while we look down upon Scarlet and Black in Hell! GLORY!

a very ecstatic Mr. C. T. Green!
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-23-2006, 03:29 AM
Praise Jesus!
Justice has been served, and two more sinners have been undone by God allmighty!
Your story brings joy to my holy spirit filled heart, friend.

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Default Re: Murder? - 11-23-2006, 11:25 PM
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Was anyone there named Colonel Mustard?
Sheeeeesh, Pastor Al, just how many times can you blame something on 'Colonel Mustard'? Surely no one believes that by now!


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-23-2006, 11:31 PM
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Sheeeeesh, Pastor Al, just how many times can you blame something on 'Colonel Mustard'? Surely no one believes that by now!

Mean Mr. Mustard

Writer, lead vocal: John Lennon


Mean Mister Mustard sleeps in the park
Shaves in the dark trying to save paper
Sleeps in a hole in the road
Saving up to buy some clothes
Keeps a ten-bob note up his nose
Such a mean old man
Such a mean old man
His sister Pam works in a shop
She never stops, she's a go-getter
Takes him out to look at the queen
Only place that he's ever been
Always shouts out something obscene
Such a dirty old man
Dirty old man

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Default Re: Murder? - 11-23-2006, 11:46 PM
Look, Pastor Al, the fact remains that people are going to start getting suspicious at the amount of times you keep giving the excuse 'Colonel Mustard did it'.


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-24-2006, 03:11 AM
this thread is very offensive to a lot of people
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Default Re: Murder? - 11-24-2006, 04:36 AM
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this thread is very offensive to a lot of people
Only false Christians and heathens would be offended by this thread, and they aren't people. God is offended by you, and if I were unsaved like you are I wouldn't be worried about "people". I'd be more worried about eternal damnation, of which you are assured.

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Thus saith the LORD; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD.
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