[Nobar King]

Where's your sense of humor? This is a joke thread?

[HatePeace]

You might be a Southern Baptist if:

- You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.

- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.

- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.

- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

- You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.

- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.

- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School.

One day a man dies, who was a devout Christian. Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and begins to give him a tour of Heaven. As the tour goes on, Saint Paul points out all the different Christians. "There's the Catholics, there's the Lutherans, the Methodists, the Presbyterians", and so forth. As they come to this one group way off to themselves, Saint Paul motions for the man to come closer and whispers. "Now, for this next group, we need to be really quiet. They are the Baptists and they think they're the only ones in Heaven."

There's some humor right there, pedophile.

[JennyD]

Originally Posted by HatePeace

Our Lady of Guadalape, Our Lady of Fatima, Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Trsat... Maybe you need to become a bit more educated, friend.

Ah, the imaginings of Mexicans and Europeans.

Mary is very, very dead.

The Bible makes it clear that all who are dead remain dead until Judgment. That includes your precious Mary.

Stop praying to a corpse, necrophiliac.

Originally Posted by HatePeace

You might be a Southern Baptist if:

Southern Baptists sure are a trip, aren't they?

We broke with them when the SBC (look it up) decided to espouse the position that drinking alcohol was sinful. Sure, Jesus turned water into wine, but these people would rather put the traditions of men before God's Word.

Thank the Lord we are Independent Fundamentalist Baptists!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Originally Posted by HatePeace

And the Catholic Church is the greatest thing on Earth. Except it's not a joke!

I hope these made you laugh.

The Catholic Church makes me cry, not laugh.

Imagine, all those hundreds of millions of Catholics, condemned to an eternity of Hell, all because they followed the Pope instead of Jesus.

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by HatePeace

And the Catholic Church is the greatest thing on Earth. Except it's not a joke!

No, it's one of the greatest jokes Satan ever played, and it looks like you're the butt of it.

Originally Posted by HatePeace

Our Lady of Guadalape, Our Lady of Fatima, Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Trsat... Maybe you need to become a bit more educated, friend.

Does she come in Diet Mary form? Can I get fries with my blasphemous Jesus cookie and super-sized Our Lady of Trsat shake?

[Dr. Warren Wierdsbe]

Originally Posted by HatePeace

Hail Mary is one prayer. If you weren't as ignorant as you are, you would find quite a few about Jesus.

Well, well, well. I sit down to look at the Interwebs for a bit of levity here in the jokes thread and what do I see? A Papist railing on about how "Christian" the Cat-a-holic church is!

You know, you might find prayers "about" Jesus in almost any false cult out there, including but not limited to, mormonism, Jehovah's (false) Witnesses, Episscopalianism, right on down to American Baptists and the Southern Baptist Convention.

I am joking just a bit about the Baptists, but not much, those compromising "feel good" "God is love" mealy-mouthed reprobates.

Here's a good one to put us back on the "Good, Clean, Christian Jokes" thread:

Why don't real Baptists make love standing up?

Someone might think they were dancing.

In Christ,
Warren

[Nobar King]

Joke -- Why God Made Ohio Found this in an old e-mail:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, some nations will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while others are going to be poor." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's OHIO, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from OHIO are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see who I'm putting around them in Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia and Pennsylvania."

[eliot mayfield]

Originally Posted by Nobar King

Joke -- Why God Made Ohio Found this in an old e-mail:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, some nations will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while others are going to be poor." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's OHIO, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from OHIO are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see who I'm putting around them in Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia and Pennsylvania."

Ohio is full of Homers. Sinsinatti is the Homer capital of the midwest!!!

[Nobar King]

I'm not going to take credit for writing the joke. At least the subject wasn't Iowa.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

I've got one.

What do you call a bunch of wetbacks holding hands?


A spic-et fence.


Get it? Picket fence?


The kids in Sunday School loved that one!

[Abraham]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

I've got one.

What do you call a bunch of wetbacks holding hands?


A spic-et fence.


Get it? Picket fence?


The kids in Sunday School loved that one!

That was spictacular, brother.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

I was reminded of this when I heard the news that Scientology is being sued for fraud in France.

There are 2 Level 3 Thetans in a bath, one says, “Where’s the soap?” The other replies, “Give me $5,000 and I’ll tell you.”

[Jimmy C Lombardo]

Just to revive this knee slapper of a thread...


Why does it stink to be a black jew?

Because then yall get sent to the back of the oven!

[JennyD]

This is why the "average" woman shouldn't be trusted with the home finances.



It's funny 'cuz it's true.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

There's a new oil company called "NIGAZ"

Russia's energy giant Gazprom has signed a $2.5bn (£1.53bn) deal with Nigeria's state operated NNPC, to invest in a new joint venture.

The new firm, to be called Nigaz...

[A Lamb Alone]

Haha, well I am quite the fan of comedy, myself, so I jump at the chance to hear a good joke. However, with such sick minds out there I think that honestly the best way to laugh at the damned is to tell them myself, so here I go.

What's the difference between Abu Ghraib and the Marxist Cable media?

Nothing, they both enjoy $25,000 Pyramid.

--

Why can't Godless sodomites reproduce?

Because a baby is a gift from God, and He wouldn't want the gays to have Holy Shits, now, would he?

--

Evolution

--

"The theory of evolution by cumulative natural selection is the only theory we know of that is in principle capable of explaining the existence of organized complexity. " --This Richard Dawkins guy was a real crack up when performing his university stand up tour. I hope he comes back around again, soon.

[Nobar King]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to piffle off. __________________

[WWJDnow]

A Jew and an athiest decided to go pheasant hunting. Since they didn't know much about hunting, they had a sporting goods dealer supply them with everything they needed, from shotguns to hunting licenses to a trained bird dog.

After two days in the country without nabbing a single bird, the athiest turned to the Jew and said, "That dealer ripped us off--this mutt is no bird dog, and I'm going to shoot her right now."

"Wait!" implored the Jew, "We paid $500 for that dog, so let's give her one more chance."

"All right," said the athiest reluctantly. "You throw her in the air again, but if she doesn't fly this time, I'm going to waste her!"

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

[4HisGlory]

What's the difference between a joo and a pizza?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.