[Des]

Friends & Brethren, I am at a loss.

The Missus apparently passed away a few hours ago. After the horrendous caterwauling she engaged in with the last five pregnancies, I had a veterinarian friend prescribe Valium for my dogs as they became quite agitated from the noise.

Well, it seems the Missus found the prescription and mistook it for breath mints, consuming the entire bottle, some thirty pills, and washed it down with a quarter bottle of fifty year old single malt. Cleaning staff found her in a pool of vomit, and she stopped breathing just after the paramedics arrived. They informed me the brain damage was too much for even a woman whose mental capacity is orders of magnitude less than that of a man to recover from even were they able to revive her.

I'll be having her body flown down to her hometown of Humble, Texas in the morning. The boys will be packed off to military academy after the funeral, save for little Stonewall who they say is too young. As none of my Asian staff is fit to raise a True Christian™ boy, I'll need to hire a nanny or au pair for the little tyke. Are there any states in China with blond or red haired, light eyed Asians, by any chance?

But the real question is, how long am I to mourn before replacing her? Numbers 20:29 tells us that all of Israel wept for Aaron for thirty days, but the Missus was no Arron. So, ten days to be safe?

Needless to say, I am an emotional train wreck right now. That scotch is all but irreplaceable.

[Elmer G. White]

Mu condolences, Brother.

Romans 8:18 is of great help.
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

As for the duration of mourning, the answer is obvious. Job had it worse than you.

Job 2:13 So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great.

I suggest gather some friends for a week and then you can move on and continue doing God's work. I'm sure the True Christian™ Ladies will give advice about the youngest offspring.

I'll also be praying for you.



Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Jedediah]

When the Amalekites sacked Ziklag and carried all the women away for raping, David and his army wept until they ran out of tears.

I Samuel 30:3-4
So David and his men came to the city, and, behold, it was burned with fire; and their wives, and their sons, and their daughters, were taken captives.
Then David and the people that were with him lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep.

So if you're out of tears, I'd say your job is done. Although for the sake of appearances, you may consider putting on a sackcloth and rubbing some ashes on your head and making a big to-do in front of the in-laws.

Just remember that once Jesus returns, we won't care about these things anyways (Revelation 21:4), so you might as well just stop caring now. Just think about how awesome Heaven is going to be!

[Witch Hammer]

Jesus can turn water into wine, so why not scotch? Top that empty bottle off with some tap water, and I will pray for a miracle.

...and good luck on purchasing a replacement wife!

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

I'm so sorry Brother! What a sad loss, the wife and the malt! That sounded like good malt, and that a mistaken woman did that, ugh. I'll be praying for her soul (it looks like an accident) and for you and your son.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

I am sorry for your loss, Brother Des. What a message this is to all True Christian™ wives to leave our husbands' liquor alone and (in the words of Nancy Reagan) Just Say No to drugs. I hope you've managed to get rid of the smell of vomit? It does tend to linger.

You might try the Uyghur region in the North West of China for a fair-skinned, light-haired nanny. The only problem is that a lot of them are mooslims, so take care to use a reputable agency. We like the Poles, as they are cheap, but you do have to beat the Mary-worshiping out of them.

Originally Posted by Des

But the real question is, how long am I to mourn before replacing her? Numbers 20:29 tells us that all of Israel wept for Aaron for thirty days, but the Missus was no Arron. So, ten days to be safe?

By happy coincidence, we were discussing this with our Pastor only yesterday. I may have forgotten to mention that my husband's step-grandmother (who used to post here as Attila's Wife) passed away - on Friday, I think. But this is not the place to discuss that.

Anyway, Pastor Steve's view was that as she was not a man, or anyone's son, or even anyone's wife any more, and as she had not been borne off for raping, it was entirely up to us as the KJV(1611) gave no specific instructions. He said the crucial point was that she was Saved, so there was probably no need to mourn at all. Instead, we should rejoice.

Originally Posted by Des

Needless to say, I am an emotional train wreck right now. That scotch is all but irreplaceable.

My husband has asked me to ship you a couple of bottles of a "rather nice" (his words) 50 Year Old Speyside single malt. He hopes that will help you at this difficult time.

Yours in Faith
Joanna

[James Hutchins]

I am happy to see you are over your grief, Brother Des. Thank God it was not a son.

Are you going to be at the Landover Mens Club today for lunch? I need to speak to you 'offline'.

[Jim Farmer]

It's probably not a bad idea to 'appear' to be in mourning until she's buried. That gives ladies a warm and fuzzy feeling that their husbands actually care about them.
After that, why not come for a holiday to Australia. Murray's had to go away for a few weeks, and my wife is still with her parents in disgrace. So here I am, rattling away in the house with a cellar full of single malts, and I would really enjoy some male company to share it with, especially such masculine company as yours. We're going into summer too, so it's a good way of avoiding winter and getting a lovely golden tan on your rippling muscles.

[Basilissa]

My most sincere condolences, Bother Des. So, does that mean that you are officially available?

[Des]

Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey

My husband has asked me to ship you a couple of bottles of a "rather nice" (his words) 50 Year Old Speyside single malt. He hopes that will help you at this difficult time.

Yours in Faith
Joanna

I'm certain that will be a tremendous relief to my grief. Please convey to him my deepest thanks.

[Des]

Originally Posted by James Hutchins

I am happy to see you are over your grief, Brother Des. Thank God it was not a son.

Are you going to be at the Landover Mens Club today for lunch? I need to speak to you 'offline'.

The flight ate into all of my morning and mid-day, sorry. Only made it back home a half hour ago, with one of the staff, Tomie I think it is, telling me in that sing-song accent that the carpet is going to have to be replaced where the Missus bought it and inconsiderately evacuated every orifice.

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by Des

The Missus apparently passed away a few hours ago.

You had a wife? When did that happen?

Anyways, either she was good and is now in Heaven which seems like something to celebrate to me, or she goes to Hell in which case she gets what she deserves. So I see no reason why you should mourn at all. Especially since she was a woman.

As she is now dead Leviticus 18:18 no longer applies so you can marry one of her younger sisters.

[Des]

Originally Posted by Jim Farmer

After that, why not come for a holiday to Australia.

I would love nothing more than to take a small vacation. Unfortunately, DARPA has been on my backside to produce a working .50 cal smartgun sniper drone, and so far getting it stabilized enough to pull off a 1000 meter headshot while hovering has been an unobtainable goal. Brother Fred graciously assisted in procuring an unlimited supply of cheap labor, but the quality of work lacks something to be desired.

So until this little hurdle is jumped, my time off is limited. As my government contact, Mr Handler says, Democratically elected governments aren't going to just topple themselves, you know. Somebody has to be out there protecting the interests of America.

[Des]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

So, does that mean that you are officially available?

Technically, I suppose it does at that.

[Des]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

You had a wife? When did that happen?

Twenty or so years ago. I never really kept track. I rarely heard a peep out of her, and for months at a time would even forget she was around. Ah, yes, she was a good wife now that I think about it. Kind of like electricity. You don't even think about it unless the power goes out.

[James Hutchins]

Originally Posted by Des

The flight ate into all of my morning and mid-day, sorry. Only made it back home a half hour ago, with one of the staff, Tomie I think it is, telling me in that sing-song accent that the carpet is going to have to be replaced where the Missus bought it and inconsiderately evacuated every orifice.

I am so sorry about the carpet. You must be beside yourself over it. I'd offer to pay for the cleaning but after my 'incident' late last spring, I simply do not have the money.
Again, my sincerest condolences.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Sorry about your loss, Brother Des.

Look at it this way, if Charles Manson can find a wife... I'm sure you can find a new one too. Why, I bet there are plenty of available ladies right here in Landover. I hear my neice Gracie is single again.