[Mary Etheldreda]

A very Blessed Birthday to you, Jesus!



I have one question that's been concerning me just a bit. You see, I do get a bit confused the older I get, chasing after many children and being sleep deprived for decades because of it, and what with having a new name and all (Revelation 2:17), I'm concerned that I won't respond if someone calls me. I would sure hate to appear rude! I am similarly a little worried that I might not remember my friends' and family's new names. Will my memory be restored to pre-baby effectiveness?

Thank you! And thank you for allowing me to join You and the other saints to judge the world, including the angles (1 Corinthians 6:2–3)! I am most grateful!

[Faith_Machine]

Dear Jesus, could You please tell me who is going to win the next few Super Bowls? I would also be interested in knowing whether Apple and Chevron share prices will be moving up or down over the next few weeks and months.

If You could tell me these things privately, that would be best. I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise for anybody who enjoys finding out about these things as they happen.

Thank You.

Yours in You,

FM

[Faith_Machine]

One other thing, My Lord, can You tell me what's going on with Mari Galvez Villalobos? As You know, I am deeply in love with her, but have not heard from her in a long time and fear she is being held against her will and brainwashed by her Jehovah's Witness family members.

I would like to journey to Spain to check on her, but I can hardly speak any Mexican at all.

[Young Peter]

Dear LORD JESUS CHRIST thank you very much for saving me and dying on a cross and coming with a sword in your mouth to smite the wicked! Can you tell me JESUS why do bad things happen to good people like me? Like for example why did you let the warlock use mind control to turn the parents of the girl I love against me and why did you let the courts believe them and why did you have me put in juvenile hall and why do I have to be a registered sex offender for the rest of my life when you KNOW I have done nothing wrong?

I do not mean to sound ungrateful because I love you very very much and your HOLY WORD has been of great comfort to me during my long months of incarceration.

Oh I have a favor to ask you also you see I am not really supposed to be on the internet here at the halfway house but they made me a trustee because I am good with computers and help the other guys here to use the computers for learning to write resumes and working toward their GED certificates and stuff. But I have to be careful and sneak and only use the internet when they are not watching and this one resident here keeps trying to catch me because he does not like me and if he rats me out I will not be able to post on the LANDOVER BAPTIST CHURCH web site and grow in my FAITH so could you please smite that guy real good?

Thank you I love you so much JESUS!

[Jesus]

Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda

A very Blessed Birthday to you, Jesus!

I have one question that's been concerning me just a bit. You see, I do get a bit confused the older I get, chasing after many children and being sleep deprived for decades because of it, and what with having a new name and all (Revelation 2:17),

Did I tell John that? I went through a really enigmatic phase there for a bit.

Thank you! And thank you for allowing me to join You and the other saints to judge the world, including the angles (1 Corinthians 6:2–3)! I am most grateful!

Of course, Mary. You and all my slaves are so special to me that you will sit on my right hand and help me be Jesus some day!

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Dear Jesus, could You please tell me who is going to win the next few Super Bowls? I would also be interested in knowing whether Apple and Chevron share prices will be moving up or down over the next few weeks and months.

You are asking amiss, my little sheep. I can't tell you that because it would be defying my plan for you. Let's just say, I can't see you getting rich from gambling.

Originally Posted by Young Peter

Dear LORD JESUS CHRIST thank you very much for saving me and dying on a cross and coming with a sword in your mouth to smite the wicked! Can you tell me JESUS why do bad things happen to good people like me?

Because I'm God and you're not. I really don't know where you get off questioning my will, young man.

could you please smite that guy real good?

Sure. I promise you he will die.

Thank you I love you so much JESUS!

Aw, and I love you too. Whole huggy bunches of love.
But don't you ever turn your back on my love or else I will personally throw you into the fiery furnace with a heavy heart of course.

[Kristen Green]

Originally Posted by Jesus

Did I tell John that? I went through a really enigmatic phase there for a bit.

Of course, Mary. You and all my slaves are so special to me that you will sit on my right hand and help me be Jesus some day!



You are asking amiss, my little sheep. I can't tell you that because it would be defying my plan for you. Let's just say, I can't see you getting rich from gambling.



Because I'm God and you're not. I really don't know where you get off questioning my will, young man.

Sure. I promise you he will die.
Aw, and I love you too. Whole huggy bunches of love.
But don't you ever turn your back on my love or else I will personally throw you into the fiery furnace with a heavy heart of course.

Jesus I thought of something to ask of you for your birthday. I would like to be promoted to True Christian. I know it's a lot to ask, but it would mean do much to me. Please Lord if you can't do that then please accept my friend request. Thank you so much Jesus!

[Dutch Girl]

Originally Posted by Jesus

I really don't know

And there was silly me thinking Jesus would be all knowing...

[Jesus]

Originally Posted by Kristen Green

Jesus I thought of something to ask of you for your birthday. I would like to be promoted to True Christian. I know it's a lot to ask, but it would mean do much to me. Please Lord if you can't do that then please accept my friend request. Thank you so much Jesus!

I answer requests only one of three ways. Yes, no or wait.

Your prayer has been answered.

[Didymus Much]

Originally Posted by Jesus

I answer requests only one of three ways. Yes, no or wait...

It must my foolishness (that You afflicted me with, 2 Thessalonians 2:11) that makes it seem to me that You're not actually doing anything at all.

[Kristen Green]

Originally Posted by Jesus

I answer requests only one of three ways. Yes, no or wait.

Your prayer has been answered.

I suppose I must wait thank you Jesus!

[Rev. Jamar D. Dodson]

My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who died temporary to Save me from the sins I had not yet committed, but would eventual be born to inherit 2000 years later, I cannot thank you enough for Saving me from Adam and Eve's (mostly Eve's) colossal lapse in judgement.

I have a few question, most beloved Lord and Savior.

I am partially Western European, partially West African and partially Meshwaki Indian. What am I in your eyes? Am I a son of Ham, Japheth or Shem? My checkbones/skull shape, proficiency in mathematics and mastery of Hapkido say Japheth. The fact that I used to watch Friends, have limited rhythm and vote republican say Shem. And my love of fried chicken, round buttox and grape favored beverages says Ham. I'm very confused, my Lord.

Also, what are your thoughts on juking and jiving in Your houses of worship?

Back in Harlem I would always tell the negro folk to tone it down, but maybe there is a slim chance you actually fancy it in a "laugh with", or more likely, a "laugh at" fashion.

Even in Africa the negro congregations are doing it (albeit sexually ambiguously). It would seem like it is inevitable that negroes juke and jive. That's why I wonder which son of Noah is my patriarch as I do not like the jive, the watermelon or the gaudy attire?

[Nerddy]

Originally Posted by Jesus

Of course not. That would interfere with free will. If you could speak with your dead great grandma via email, there wouldn't be much mystery, would there? She would be telling you how wonderful heaven is, therefore you would know it is true!

My dad/I can't have that. You have to believe without any proof. That's the way it works.

My Lord, if there's no internet in heaven, and you are in heaven. How were you able to post a reply or thread in this forum? Please answer my great Lord.

Also, what can you say about the pope?

[Russell Holbeck]

Originally Posted by Nerddy

My Lord, if there's no internet in heaven, and you are in heaven. How were you able to post a reply or thread in this forum? Please answer my great Lord.

Also, what can you say about the pope?

Hello Nerddy. There is a Bible verse Jeremiah 32:27 that will be good for you to know. I have it marked with a Post-It note because it is very important and seems to come up a lot when talking about God.

Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?

He is being rhetorical. Rhetorical means He doesn't really expect an answer because the answer is so obvious. I am not trying to be mean I had to have that explained to me.

Thank you.

Rusty

[Faith_Machine]

My Lord,

What's the deal with Einstein's theory of relativity? It's a load of crap, right?

Yours in You,

FM

[Little Donkey]

Jesus, there are only 11 minutes of your birthday left. I am sorry I am asking so late- I'll keep it brief. Is Obama the anti-Christ?

[James Hutchins]

Jesus, thank you for not killing me yet. All I want from you is to go to Heaven. I'll do what ever you ask of me.

[Talitha]

Just one last thing, Almighty one.
When you watch me go poopie, which I know you do because I feel your presence at all times.
Do you have a quiet giggle to yourself if I happen to make a "proot" sound?**
Just something I've always been wondering.

Yours in You.
A curious Talitha



** It is very rare for a True Christian lady to do such things, but just once in a while one may pop out.

[JudgeNot!]

Originally Posted by Jesus

Go!

Dear Jesus ... praise You!!!!

Although Your birthday is technically over, I was wondering if I could humbly ask You a question. As I'm sure You already know, my soon-to-be ex-husband misrepresented himself as a Christian man when, in fact, he is actually a queer, You-mocking Sodomite! For the 10+ years we were married, he hid his true nature from me. Pardon me for speaking offensively to You, but he only ever had relations with me in my bottom-hole, insisting that it was ok to do that and forcing it upon me. Looking back, I guess I should have seen this abhorrent behavior for what it really was, but I guess I'm a little naive.

Jesus, my Lord and Savior, I repent of my deviant ways! I should have asked to be stoned to death before allowing my degenerate husband to use his tallywhacker on me in ways that disgraced me in Your eyes!!

(I apologize for rambling on so, my sweet, sweet Jesus, but I wanted to confess my sins aloud before You and the True Christians of this blessed forum ... even before the atheists and other non-believers so that my humble atonement may be an example to them.)

So my question is this: since my ass-plundering husband never so much as touched my lady parts, and I have never lain with any other man, does that mean I am still a virgin?? And that there is potential for me to someday find a True Christian husband to serve and obey (if You will it to be so)?

I am prostrate on my knees before You in humble supplication, hopefully awaiting Your answer. Thank You, Jesus!!!

P.S. Hope you had a very Happy Birthday

[Faith_Machine]

Originally Posted by JudgeNot!

Dear Jesus ... praise You!!!!

Although Your birthday is technically over, I was wondering if I could humbly ask You a question. As I'm sure You already know, my soon-to-be ex-husband misrepresented himself as a Christian man when, in fact, he is actually a queer, You-mocking Sodomite! For the 10+ years we were married, he hid his true nature from me. Pardon me for speaking offensively to You, but he only ever had relations with me in my bottom-hole, insisting that it was ok to do that and forcing it upon me. Looking back, I guess I should have seen this abhorrent behavior for what it really was, but I guess I'm a little naive.

Jesus, my Lord and Savior, I repent of my deviant ways! I should have asked to be stoned to death before allowing my degenerate husband to use his tallywhacker on me in ways that disgraced me in Your eyes!!

(I apologize for rambling on so, my sweet, sweet Jesus, but I wanted to confess my sins aloud before You and the True Christians of this blessed forum ... even before the atheists and other non-believers so that my humble atonement may be an example to them.)

So my question is this: since my ass-plundering husband never so much as touched my lady parts, and I have never lain with any other man, does that mean I am still a virgin?? And that there is potential for me to someday find a True Christian husband to serve and obey (if You will it to be so)?

I am prostrate on my knees before You in humble supplication, hopefully awaiting Your answer. Thank You, Jesus!!!

P.S. Hope you had a very Happy Birthday

How dare you talk about sodomy in the presence of Our Lord? Do you think our all-knowing Savior wants to know about that?

As to your question regarding whether your virginity is intact, I'm sure you could find plenty of Catholics who would tell you that it is, but I suspect The Creator of the Universe will tell you otherwise.

The good news, however, is that if you are truly repentant, and if you TRULY devote your life to serving Him, and you pray and read your Bible every day, it is entirely possible that He will allow you to reclaim your virginity.

Shout GLORY!

[JudgeNot!]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

How dare you talk about sodomy in the presence of Our Lord? Do you think our all-knowing Savior wants to know about that?

As to your question regarding whether your virginity is intact, I'm sure you could find plenty of Catholics who would tell you that it is, but I suspect The Creator of the Universe will tell you otherwise.

The good news, however, is that if you are truly repentant, and if you TRULY devote your life to serving Him, and you pray and read your Bible every day, it is entirely possible that He will allow you to reclaim your virginity.

Shout GLORY!

Dear Brother Faith Machine,

I certainly did not mean to offend our Lord or any members of this Holy forum with my sordid tales of sodomy; scalding tears of remorse pour down my cheeks at the very thought!! Please forgive me my womanly stupidity.

Sir, I must respectfully say that I care not a bit what any idol-worshipping Catholic might say on the matter of my virginity; it is only the decree of the Almighty that concerns me!

It is such relief to know that, through devotion, subservience, and repentance, I may someday reclaim my bottom-hole virginity. No one but Jesus Himself can restore purity to even the nastiest of orifices!

Praise Jesus, and God bless you Brother!