[Faith_Machine]

One of the biggest (literally) challenges facing the former black woman newly whitened in Christ is the lingering effect that Ham's blood can have on one's morphology.

To wit, God may have made you white in your heart, but you might still be dragging around an enormous caboose, a constant reminder of your hottentot heritage.



Your oversized hindquarters may have been an asset when trying to attract mates, whether on the Serengeti or in the ghetto, but by now you've surely learned that fitting all that "junk" into a nice church dress can be a challenge.




Therefore, I'd like to share with you some proven tips for corralling all that rump meat and getting it under control:

1. Change your diet

I can't emphasize this enough, ladies. You are renewed in Christ, and just as He commands you to flee from fornication, it is now time for you to similarly flee from the eating habits you learned during your pre-white days. No more ham hocks, no more fried chicken, no more red beans and rice, no more catfish sandwiches, and for goodness' sake, no more stolen pies!

We need to see a lot less of this...



None of this...



And a whole lot more of this:



Salad is your friend! And by "salad," I don't mean anything with bacon bits or bleu cheese or ranch dressing on it.


2. Discontinue all lower-body exercises

This may seem counter-intuitive, but you need to understand it's not just corpulent, disgusting fat cells making your booty big; we're also dealing with slabs of muscle, which your kind long ago developed in order to give you an unfair advantage in such areas as working on plantations, running marathons, and winning Olympic events.

Now is the time to cut out any running or walking you may be in the habit of doing, and of course, quit any toning, aerobics, or Zumba classes you may be currently enrolled in.


3. Go to Tijuana and have a doctor inject Botox into your butt

Botox, which is derived from the bug that causes botulism, does a wonderful thing when you inject it into muscle tissue: It has the effect of immobilizing that muscle, thus making it softer, less toned, and more likely to shrink over time.

Remember, ladies, atrophy is your friend!



4. Stop twerking!


This should pretty much be self-evident, because if you have Jesus in your heart, you already will have stopped twerking. However, the Lord does understand that old habits die hard. Anyway, twerking really gives your glutes a workout. That is the last thing you want.

5. Pray for a small butt


If you're the type of skeptic who doesn't believe she can just pray her butt away, that is exactly your problem right there.

Jesus says you can:

John 15:7

7 If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.

If you pray for a smaller butt and you don't get it, remember, the problem is with you, and not with Jesus' teachings. If you still have a large bottom after much concerted prayer effort, be sure to ask yourself, "Does the Lord's word truly abide in me? Or am I just a no-good, worthless, dusky-complexioned slattern who refuses to accept Christ's free gift of aeternal salvation?"

Special bonus beauty tip for your wedding night


So you've become white, reclaimed your virginity, lost your big bottom, and snared yourself a nice, clean white husband. At this point, you're naturally a bit apprehensive about how he might react to what he's going to find "down there" when your marriage is consummated.

Not to worry, sisters, I've got you covered:

You are welcome.


You.

Are.

Welcome.

[Faith_Machine]

I'm a little hurt that certain former Negresses here have not thanked me for this relevant and timely advice I have provided. I know it's because you ladies (and you know who you are) are not "out of the closet" about your history of blackness. I certainly wouldn't ever "out" you, but I do think you would do well to remember nothing is hidden from God's --or Pastor Zeke's-- eyes.

[Jim Farmer]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Surely there are no ladies on here with fat ugly butts like that!
Reminds me of this:

[Faith_Machine]

Well I don't want to talk out of school, but you would be amazed at what a big, flowing dress can hide on "certain" members of our congregation.

[Jim Farmer]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Well I don't want to talk out of school, but you would be amazed at what a big, flowing dress can hide on "certain" members of our congregation.

Why don't they get a buttock reduction when they become ex Negresses? All Christian women that I know have buttocks like this (please excuse me posting a picture of a Christian lady in her most intimate lingerie)



I don't think I'll be visiting the US soon, if there are ladies with bottoms like monkeys.