[Faith_Machine]

As a recovering Internet porn addict, I keep the parental controls on my computer locked down pretty tight, so that no objectionable material can get through and cause me any sort of temptation, for my own shameful experiences bear out the truth of what God has said about girlie magazines and self-abuse:

• Matt. 5:27, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery'; 28 but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart."
• 1 Cor. 6:18, "Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body."
• Col. 3:5, "Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry."

Naturally, I use my parental controls to filter out trashy Web domains that are obviously designed to get me in trouble, such as http://www.lanebryant.com/ and http://www.motherhood.com/ and I encourage you to filter them out also.

However, there is one site which I wish to caution you against, for it masquerades as a perfectly innocuous restaurant review site.

I am speaking of the Web site known as "Yelp."

What could possibly be more innocent than a Web site providing reviews of local restaurants? That was certainly my naive thinking as I allowed Yelp's restaurant reviewers to lead me down their primrose path with tantalizing descriptions of the mouth-watering burritos and foot-long sandwiches available in my area.

One obsession I have, though, is with finding the best kielbasa sausage. So I recently, in all my naivete, began participating in Yelp Talk, in order to inquire as to whether Yelp's reviewers could tell me where to find the best kielbasa.

I wasn't long, however, before I found myself getting sucked into reading conversations such as the following:

Masturbation

Rubbing one out while texting...

Ladies, what's your favorite part of a man's body?

I could go on and on, and I do feel it's important that somebody monitor this filth. However, with each one that I read, I become more inflamed with impure thoughts.

Isn't there something we can do about these debauched sinners? Somebody needs to tell them that the only review they need to be concerned with is the one that their all-powerful Creator is going to give them when they reach the ends of their unholy lives!

[loveis..]

again this is another example of how people on here turn something innocent into something perverted... get your mind out off the gutter you perv

[Faith_Machine]

Originally Posted by loveis..

again this is another example of how people on here turn something innocent into something perverted... get your mind out off the gutter you perv

Hold on a second friend, please don't shoot the messenger! I am merely sounding the alarm, and am certainly not the instigator of the filth that's on that Yelp site. Are you trying to tell me forum conversations with titles like the ones I linked to are "innocent?"

If so, I sure would like to know what else you consider "innocent." I suppose you think that when a scoutmaster showers with his troop after a rousing game of "touch" football, that's perfectly innocent too?

[loveis..]

twisting my words to make me sound like a bad person wont work in this case... but you make me laugh at your attempt please by all means try again...

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by loveis..

twisting my words to make me sound like a bad person wont work in this case... but you make me laugh at your attempt please by all means try again...

Why should we? Since you are beyond saving, by all means try to enjoy the little life you have left. Then at least you will have some nice memories while you get tortured in Hell for all eternity.

[loveis..]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

Why should we? Since you are beyond saving, by all means try to enjoy the little life you have left. Then at least you will have some nice memories while you get tortured in Hell for all eternity.

you dont know who i am and your not the one who judges me.. but what ever helps you sleep at night...

[Faith_Machine]

Originally Posted by loveis..

you dont know who i am and your not the one who judges me.. but what ever helps you sleep at night...

"Your is the possessive form of "you." The word you're looking for is "you're," which is a contraction of "you are."

I could take this moment to remind you of the importance of speaking properly, but I'd rather let God remind you:

Ephesians 5:4 (English Standard Version)

4Let there be(A) no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking,(B) which are out of place, but instead(C) let there be thanksgiving.

[loveis..]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

"Your is the possessive form of "you." The word you're looking for is "you're," which is a contraction of "you are."

I could take this moment to remind you of the importance of speaking properly, but I'd rather let God remind you:

hey we all make mistakes... hahahahaha

[Faith_Machine]

Originally Posted by loveis..

hey we all make mistakes... hahahahaha

Yes, but will you be forgiven for your mistakes? I strongly suggest you get right with God, if it isn't already too late for that.

[Faith_Machine]

Well brothers and sisters, you're surely familiar with the phrase "no good deed goes unpunished?"

Yes, well I am finding out just how true that is. I thought this was a private forum, but, unfortunately, this talk thread has apparently come to the attention of the whoremongering restaurant reviewers on the Yelp site.

I should not have included that information about my looking for the best kielbasa, as that was all it took for the "Yelpers" to figure out exactly which user account belonged to me.

The result is that over the last several hours I have received numerous unwelcome personal messages on the site. They basically break down into two categories:

1. Hate-filled atheists who want to "flame" me for my beliefs.

2. Godless slatterns who think it's funny to tempt me with salacious messages about how "cute" I am and graphic descriptions of the premarital relations they would supposedly be willing to have with me.

And this brings me to my dilemma, which I hope that somebody here might be able to help me with. These painted women clearly think it would be fun to lead me astray, and I am very conscious of what a mistake it would be to answer their slutty siren songs.

However, I would be lying if I claimed that I did not feel sorely tempted to reply to their pornographic messages. When I look to the Lord's instruction manual for guidance, I am reminded of the following words:

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Now when it says God has provided me with "the way of escape," isn't it possible that the way of escape, in this case, might be the act of touching oneself?

I know that touching oneself is certainly not the ideal activity, but if doing so enables me to put these fiery impulses to rest, and allows me to blow off enough steam that I am better able to resist the urge to take these strumpets up on their offers, wouldn't that act of self-abuse truly be the lesser evil?

[Zechariah Smyth]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

I know that touching oneself is certainly not the ideal activity, but if doing so enables me to put these fiery impulses to rest, and allows me to blow off enough steam that I am better able to resist the urge to take these strumpets up on their offers, wouldn't that act of self-abuse truly be the lesser evil?

It sounds to me like you are looking for some excuse to "shine the sword" or "shake hands with the unemployed" or "rub the magic lamp" or "tenderize the tube steak" or "pull the taffy" or whatever it is you kids are calling masturbation these days.

Get a hold of yourself Control your impulses!

(Proverbs 25:28) "He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls."

Yours in Christ,

Z. Smyth

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Hello Friend,

You seem like a very nice young man who is struggling with self-molestation.

I just wanted to offer some advice, being the kind, thoughtful, True Christian Sister I am.

First of all, every time you go to rape yourself remember that the seed you spill are all little tiny sperm souls YOU just sent straight to HELL. Is it worth YOU going to HELL to spend all of Eternity with all of the "children" you just murdered?

This thread is worth a look.

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=41600

If that is not enough to make you stop self-molesting, you may need more help. This thread is a very useful too as well.

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=20129

Please stop murdering all those innocent sperm souls. What if YOU were in a load your father wasted on a Lane Bryant magazine? YOU would be in HELL right now!

Helpful,

Sister Thumper

[Faith_Machine]

Thanks you so much for your responses! I only wish I had seen them sooner, as I had a moment of terrible weakness late last night and gave into my animal instincts for almost a minute. You will be relieved to know, however, that I did not spill my seed.

Daisy Mae, I am a little concerned about your assertion regarding the souls of sperms, as it sounds troublingly similar to Roman Catholic beliefs:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_happe...aborted_babies

What happens to the souls of aborted babies?
In: Abortion, Religion & Spirituality

This answer is from a Roman Catholic point of view. Since the earliest days of Christianity, the Church has debated this question but very early came to the decision that abortion is a "mortal sin" (a sin that will ensure that the parents and anyone included in the decision to abort will go straight to hell). The foetus is also considered to be "a sinner" in that it bears "original sin" ie. the sin of Adam and Eve who were cast out of the Garden Of Eden because they defied God and ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge. The aborted foetus has not had the benefit of Baptism to wash away "original sin". In Roman Catholic belief, the world hereafter is divided into several categories 1) Hell - the place where the souls those who die in the state of mortal sin go 2) Purgatory - A place where the souls of Christians who are guilty of mortal sin but are still in the process penance and forgiveness because the have confessed their sins to a priest. 3) Limbo - the place where the souls of aborted babies and righteous Jews will go. In Limbo the souls of unbaptised babies will never mature as adults. They will be happy but will never go to Heaven and consequently will never see God. 4) Heaven is the state of bliss where those completely without sin will have the "beatific vision", meaning they will see God.

It should noted that the existence of Purgatory and Limbo are based on Roman Catholic tradition and have no foundation in Christian Scriptures. In addition, the theological question of the souls of unbaptised babies going to Limbo is again a topic of debate and discussion, with many theologians now offering reasons why the unbaptised babies may not go to Limbo.

[Faith_Machine]

Daisy Mae, please forgive me for comparing you to a Roman Catholic. I didn't mean to! I only sought clarification on a doctrinal question.

Now I am very sad.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Daisy Mae, please forgive me for comparing you to a Roman Catholic. I didn't mean to! I only sought clarification on a doctrinal question.

Now I am very sad.

Cheer up Friend,

I found your question so important I decided to make my answer it' own thread.

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=61713

JESUS brought you here for a reason. I'm sure here, at GOD'S Favorite Church, you will find the answers you are looking for.

GLORY!

[Faith_Machine]

Thank you Daisy Mae!

I see that those "Yelpers" are posting additional pornographic conversation topics:

He coated the beef in flour

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Thank you Daisy Mae!

I see that those "Yelpers" are posting additional pornographic conversation topics:

He coated the beef in flour

I don't get some of the words the kids of today use for slang. I take it to be some sort of birth control sheath?

That place is a cesspool of sin Brother Faith. I hope you pray fervently before, during and after you view it.

More importantly, I suggest blocking that site from your computer before demons from that sinful site infect it. Then, you could give us all computer demons!

[Faith_Machine]

You may be right, Daisy. However, I do like having my Yelp account, as it allows me to write negative reviews of restaurants and local businesses which I feel are not doing all they can to glorify God.

If I walk into a restaurant and find that they are serving shellfish, or learn that a local store such as Target is selling lingerie to women without fist checking to make sure they're married, writing a review of that business on Yelp is, for me, a way of sending a powerful message that their God-denying business practices will not be tolerated.

I think the Bible makes it very clear that we have a responsibility to rebuke sinful businesses via any and all avenues available to us:

1 Timothy 5:20 Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear.

Luke 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.

2 Timothy 4:2 2 Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine.

Titus 1:13 This witness is true. Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith;

Titus 2:15 These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no man despise thee.

[Faith_Machine]

EMERGENCY!

Pastor Zeke is under attack!

The following Yelp profile has just come to my attention:

http://www.yelp.com/user_details?use...QryXtxcE1kFVDw

Obviously, this is not the real Pastor Zeke.

I feel I am partly to blame for this. As previously mentioned, I know those vulgar people are aware of this thread, as they continue to taunt me with pornographic personal messages.

So in starting this thread, I have apparently painted a big, red target on Landover Baptist Church. I can only beg your forgiveness and take refuge in what the Bible tells us about the persecution of the faithful:

2 Timothy 3:12 . . . all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.

Matthew 5:11–12 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

EMERGENCY!

Pastor Zeke is under attack!

The following Yelp profile has just come to my attention:

http://www.yelp.com/user_details?use...QryXtxcE1kFVDw

Obviously, this is not the real Pastor Zeke.

Obviously, it is not.

When I find out which Godmocker set up that phony-baloney account in my name, I'll have his guts for garters.