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Default Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-29-2014, 06:38 PM

Dear Pastor Ezekiel:


I am in trouble: the state of Georgia has claimed that I am a "serial womanizer" who "takes advantage of poor black women in need of help" by spreading my seed far and wide.

I am now in my '98 Caddy and I don't even have a home no more because of these numerous child support payments. I am typing from my ipad that one of my parishioners had blessed me with in a 7-11, looking over my shoulder for the police.

The towelhead behind the counter keeps eyeballin' me as if I'm gonna steal something. I look fresh and clean, but he thinks I am a criminal.

He smell like dookie....

All I have is my Caddy (whom the pigs tryin to repossess), my bible, and my 3-piece suit.

After a lot of introspection and soul searching, aided by my 1611 KJV Bible I have come to the heart of the matter, and I know that God has blessed me by telling me the root of my problems: the evil eye.

How do I protect against the evil eye?

Here is my absolute evidence:

Eat thou not the bread of him that hath an evil eye, neither desire thou his dainty meats
Proverbs 23:6



I admit that I have desired dainty meats of my flock: chickens, pork chops, lambs, succulent ducks, hogs, coons, critters, popcorn shrimps, meatloafs, the list goes on and on.

I think one of them was Satan in disguise, who used this ruse to trap me.

I had two panic attacks yesterday.

I am thinking of going Galt and driving up to Freehold, Iowa in order to await the Lord's Second Coming.

I know that if God thwarts this evil eye that I will have my prosperity restored like Job:

10 And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before.

Job 42.10

So once this misadventure is done I will have me two caddies, two ipads, two suits and all the hogs I can get my fingers on.

God bless,

Jerome


And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth. Genesis 28:14
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-29-2014, 06:54 PM

And PS to all you atheist God-mocking trolls:

I know you want to lay into me when I am down, and I know what you want to post, so I'ma beat you to the punch and not give you the satisfaction...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOUqVuNzkA8


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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-29-2014, 07:36 PM

Clearly, you are being persecuted because you are a Christian. It's sad, but there are a lot of anti-Christian bigots out there these days. That's how I know that the End Times are upon us.

If you're going to Freehold, especially in a Cadillac, you should register with the Freehold police department first. Trust me, that will save you a lot of hassles.

I'm sure you'd be a welcome addition to the negro section of the church as a visitor, but be aware that there is a minimum net worth test for membership.

As Jesus said,

Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good? So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen. Matthew 20:15-16

So at least you know that you are among the chosen. I'll pray for you.


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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-29-2014, 11:17 PM

I swear you superstitious jigs just crack me up. You people get tangled up with the law, and right away you want to blame someone else.

Show me where the Holy Word talks about "evil eye" curses. That's nothing but an old woman's voo-doo curse! You people still believe that superstitious nonsense?

I'd advise you to turn yourself in. A boy like you can't survive long on the lam...


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-29-2014, 11:33 PM

I believe that the only shield a man needs in this life is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, Him who died for our sins up on Golgotha.


God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-29-2014, 11:59 PM

But Pastor Zeke, what about that hex the old gypsy woman put on me? The one that caused me to have so many "moral" problems? That was real, wasn't it?


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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-30-2014, 12:09 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
But Pastor Zeke, what about that hex the old gypsy woman put on me? The one that caused me to have so many "moral" problems? That was real, wasn't it?
Oh, yea. THAT one was real. It's the pickanninnie voodoo that's nothing but superstition.

By the way, Miss Cookie, the church secretary, tells me that she has not received your final payment for my curse-cure yet. I'd sure hate to see it come back on you...


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-30-2014, 12:52 AM

It's going to come back!?



Oh dear, please tell Miss Cookie I'm sorry I didn't mail my money order sooner!


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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-30-2014, 10:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
It's going to come back!?



Oh dear, please tell Miss Cookie I'm sorry I didn't mail my money order sooner!

I am very close to Freehold right now, but a lot of people round here tell me to avoid it like the plague.

Whats up with that?


And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth. Genesis 28:14
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-30-2014, 11:10 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerome Jefferson III View Post
I am very close to Freehold right now, but a lot of people round here tell me to avoid it like the plague.
Whats up with that?
The security team there (Joe, Bobby, Bobby-Joe, Joe-Joe, Joe-Bob, Jim, Jim-Bob, Joe-Jimmy-Bob-Joe, and Mary-Ellen [don't make eye contact with M-E, just sayin']) don't take kindly to strangers nosing about, is all.

If you approach the main gate SLOWLY, DURING DAYLIGHT, AND WITH YOUR HANDS VISIBLE AT ALL TIMES, and explain that you're there to see Pastor Zeke (and he actually sent your daypass over on time), you shouldn't have too much trouble.

edit: almost forgot to mention, avoid riding in German, Japanese, or Italian cars on your first visit, especially. Joe, Joe-Joe, and Joe-Bob's dad Joe (or their "uncle" Bob, I get confused listening to them) served in WW2 and it's just better not to, k?


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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-30-2014, 11:13 AM

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Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
The security team there (Joe, Bobby, Bobby-Joe, Joe-Joe, Joe-Bob, Jim, Jim-Bob, Joe-Jimmy-Bob-Joe, and Mary-Ellen [don't make eye contact with M-E, just sayin']) don't take kindly to strangers nosing about, is all.

If you approach the main gate SLOWLY, DURING DAYLIGHT, AND WITH YOUR HANDS VISIBLE AT ALL TIMES, and explain that you're there to see Pastor Zeke (and he actually sent your daypass over on time), you shouldn't have too much trouble.
I'm rolling round in the corn fields and have been so for hours.

Y'all live far out the way...

I took me some corn cus I'm hungry but I promise to replant them farmers some cornrows later one to make up for it.


And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth. Genesis 28:14
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-30-2014, 12:04 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerome Jefferson III View Post
Dear Pastor Ezekiel:
I am in trouble: the state of Georgia has claimed that I am a "serial womanizer" who "takes advantage of poor black women in need of help" by spreading my seed far and wide.
I notice that you're not denying the accusations.
And you made sexual advances to me - a white married True Christian™.
I think the accusations are probably correct.
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-30-2014, 03:40 PM

Update - still lost in the cornrows.

Corn be everywhere.

Some boys with long hair gave me some mushroom soup and now I'm all happy and starting to see visions like a real prophet. Right now I'm just staring at the sun and its starting to stare back at me, like the Eye of God.

This corn be like manna from heaven, too.

I'ma get me full right now.


Can somebody come outside they gates and pick me up?

Some local farmers said I don't wanna go to your compound and that it would wind up bad for me, so they didn't say where I should go, but I know I'm close because I hear Hank Williams blasting from some speaker phones with Pastor Zeke giving orders to his mexicans to bail hay faster.


And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth. Genesis 28:14
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-30-2014, 03:42 PM

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Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
The security team there (Joe, Bobby, Bobby-Joe, Joe-Joe, Joe-Bob, Jim, Jim-Bob, Joe-Jimmy-Bob-Joe, and Mary-Ellen [don't make eye contact with M-E, just sayin']) don't take kindly to strangers nosing about, is all.

If you approach the main gate SLOWLY, DURING DAYLIGHT, AND WITH YOUR HANDS VISIBLE AT ALL TIMES, and explain that you're there to see Pastor Zeke (and he actually sent your daypass over on time), you shouldn't have too much trouble.

edit: almost forgot to mention, avoid riding in German, Japanese, or Italian cars on your first visit, especially. Joe, Joe-Joe, and Joe-Bob's dad Joe (or their "uncle" Bob, I get confused listening to them) served in WW2 and it's just better not to, k?
My car is all-American, mister:





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And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth. Genesis 28:14
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-30-2014, 03:49 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerome Jefferson III View Post
Update - still lost in the cornrows.

Corn be everywhere.

Some boys with long hair gave me some mushroom soup and now I'm all happy and starting to see visions like a real prophet.

This corn be like manna from heaven, too.

I'ma get me full right now.


Can somebody come outside they gates and pick me up?

Some local farmers said I don't wanna go to your compound and that it would wind up bad for me, so they didn't say where I should go, but I know I'm close because I hear Hank Williams blasting from some speaker phones with Pastor Zeke giving orders to his mexicans to bail hay faster.
Pastor Zeke isn't a sweaty, red-necked farmer, son. He's a respected True Christian™ pastor and close, personal friend of Himself.

You're not in the cornfields, there is no wifi in the cornfields, you've not been invited to Freehold.

You'll apologize to Mother of Seven for making unwanted, miscegenistic advances towards her if you have an ounce of decency in you. She's been riled up for days, and we're all paying for it.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 06-30-2014, 03:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Pastor Zeke isn't a sweaty, red-necked farmer, son. He's a respected True Christian™ pastor and close, personal friend of Himself.

You're not in the cornfields, there is no wifi in the cornfields, you've not been invited to Freehold.

You'll apologize to Mother of Seven for making unwanted, miscegenistic advances towards her if you have an ounce of decency in you. She's been riled up for days, and we're all paying for it.
But ma'am I got me that sattelite connection.

Can yall pick me up or what?

I know Jesus will bless ya'll for helping me; I am a prophet and am seein visions.

I'm close to your compound and am on the side of the road with my belly hangin out due to high intake of corn-fuuktrose.

Here my photo so you can recognize me:



And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth. Genesis 28:14
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 07-01-2014, 04:48 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Oh, yea. THAT one was real. It's the pickanninnie voodoo that's nothing but superstition.
Pastor Ezekiel, I would never dispute what you say, especially on a religious matter, but what about when the people of Haiti made a deal with the Devil to end their slavery? That is why God punished them with an earthquake two hundred years later, isn't it?


Draft Freehold, Iowa Mayor
Johny Joe Hold
for Vice President in 2024
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 07-01-2014, 05:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Pastor Ezekiel, I would never dispute what you say, especially on a religious matter, but what about when the people of Haiti made a deal with the Devil to end their slavery? That is why God punished them with an earthquake two hundred years later, isn't it?
Don't forget all the gay sex and monkey sex and French language. That enraged God so much, he allowed them to get the AIDS!


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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 07-01-2014, 05:10 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Pastor Ezekiel, I would never dispute what you say, especially on a religious matter, but what about when the people of Haiti made a deal with the Devil to end their slavery? That is why God punished them with an earthquake two hundred years later, isn't it?
The joke is on them. They're still slaves.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Need Pastor's advice - protecting against the evil eye - 07-08-2014, 06:07 AM

Did you ever make it to LBC Jerome??? How was it? I'm on my way there soon!
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