[Freddy Osborne]

Brothers and sisters in Christ- while you have graciously welcomed me as I have also embraced the loving arms of The Lord, numerous questions regarding my personal testimony have surfaced. As I am about to explain, I have been hesitant in the past to discuss specific details because of painful questions regarding my earthly father: Who and where is this man?

However since my salvation the Holy Spirit has gloriously revealed the answers to this great mystery, and made me realize my presence here at Landover is more of a miracle than I ever could have imagined.

I've never known my father so let me briefly introduce my mother. In her youth the virtuous Lacie Hump was quickly overwhelmed by the power of Jesus and became a huge fan of revivals. In fact, numerous interviews of her past acquaintances have indicated she did anything an enthusiastic young Hump could do in order to to get backstage for personal guidance from the most famous traveling evangelists. Even the retired instrumentalists and ex-roadies glowed with smiling contentment as they told me about the fond memories they had regarding my mother.

But alas as many of you well know, even the most noble among us have fallen victim at some point to Satan's seductive lies. Soon after the PTL Club's Easter Revival Festival, and just as she was preparing to celebrate her graduation from New Life Christian Boarding School, my mother found her herself pregnant. But Lacie was strong willed. Even as Grandpa Hump was righteously packing her bags in shame, Mom defiantly refused to name the father of her unborn son. She was determined to raise me on her own if need be... and proceeded to do so.

Of course we had our ups and downs. Over the years Mom took odd jobs. Even working for the celestials in stange places with exotic names- like "The Happy Nut Massage and Super Buffet Club". The food was outstanding! And is oft the case with the true and the righteous, she always managed to cover the rent in dire times. Over the years, I often wondered how she did it.

And now fast forward... The tired and exhausted Ma Hump (bless her tired soul) passed on a few months ago. I was recently going thru her personal effects when I found a previously undiscovered box of unread letters, a picture of the warm familiar TV evangelist Jim Osborne (see below), and countless cashed money orders with his signature???

As I read the letters, I became acutely aware of the intimate relationship between the Rev. Osborne and my mother. The letters detailed a forbidden love between a young Lacie Hump "experienced far beyond her years", and a Godly man torn between her and the call of Jesus. There was also the occasional topic of potential litigation and subsequent incarceration regarding the legal age of consent in the state of S.C. But I digress...

So as I continued thru the correspondence, the tears eventually began to well up in my eyes. The letters described a huge hole in Rev. Jim's heart saved for the son he could never know. The son he could never know? Could it be?? It must be!!

YES! PRAISE JESUS! YES! THE REVEREND JIM OSBORNE OF LANDOVER BAPTIST CHURCH IS MY FATHER!

Obviously it is no mere accident that The Lord has guided me to Landover's website! So my friends, it is with great joy this weekend (and despite the fact he has apparently not received any of my voicemails) that I am embarking to Freehold. I cannot wait to see the joy in my Daddy's eye when he sees for the first time the True Christian man he has fathered!

Hallelujah!

Freddy Osborne

[Faith_Machine]

Well any son of Jim's is a friend of mine. Say, if you see Jim, could you ask him if he still has my hydraulic press? Thanks!

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Originally Posted by Freddy Osborne

And now fast forward... The tired and exhausted Ma Hump (bless her tired soul) passed on a few months ago.

I am sorry for your loss, Brother. I hope that your dear mother was Saved and is awaiting you in the arms of our Beloved Lord, Jesus Christ? Matthew 7:17-20 leads me to think that, having borne a True Christian™ son, she will be considered a good tree.

Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

I will pray that you may be united with your father very soon, and reunited with your mother when God sees fit to call you.

Yours in Faith,
Joanna

[Benedict A. Davis]

I will never forget the last time I saw the Rev.. It was 3am and I found him pounding on my front door. He tells me that he had to leave town for an emergency meeting of his Evangelists United group and his Mac card didn't seem to be working. He borrowed what folding money I had in the house and he drove off into the night. That must have been 3-4 years ago. On speaking to several of the Brothers, Rev. Jim had been to their house too! It was odd very odd indeed.
When you catch up with your dad please tell him that I, for one, still consider him a Landover Baptist Brother and would never consider the loan I made him would still remain the same as the Bible says in Deuteronomy 23:19 but I can't speak for any of the others he visited that night.

[Faith_Machine]

I received several late-night visits from Reverend Jim.

[John Creeser]

Your father, Rev Jim Osborne, is a stand up man. I miss him dearly. It seems just like yesterday where I was having no luck in Witchhunt 2010. Rev Jim was bagging them left, right and center. Seeing as I had none, he gave me a witch's severed head so I wouldn't look completely incompetent. I'll never forget the kindness the man showed me.

And talk about preach!! The man would witness the pants right off the unsaved. It was truly a sight to behold.

Strong too. He'd always win the Freehold Lake Used Car Battery Toss at the annual Landover Praise Fair. The way he would wind up and throw it, I'd sometimes think it would go right over the Lake. I don't think I can get it 10 feet from the waters edge.

[Freddy Osborne]

Thank you friends for the welcome and the prayers. While I was unable to locate Dad this weekend, the records in Freehold and the unforwarded mail have given me some solid leads.

I have also recovered some lock boxes that were mentioned in the original letters to Ma Hump. There is also a substantial amount of cash that I can gladly use to pay off some debts my father may owe.

And I kinda hate to bring it up, but there are also some 8mm tapes with various names on them. I would prefer not to disclose the names here but another note stated to 'do what you have to do'. It also indicated the persons in these tapes would know who they are and gladly pay the 'security fees' incurred for the storage.

I'm not sure of the amounts agreed upon but the note indicates to accept no less than '5 figures' and await further instructions. So on behalf of my father, please contact me as soon as possible if you think one of these tapes may be yours.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

God Bless.

Freddy

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

This is just a clarification that the love offering I sent recently was to further your father's ministry and that any "tape" that might have any reference to anyone I know should be destroyed immediately. I detest extortion and blackmail so.

Not that I had anything to worry about.

Please handle this right away.

[Freddy Osborne]

I apologize for the delay, Sister. I do not recall seeing any 8mm with your name on it.

But there was a cd with a damaged label- "Lamb Scream Pie" I think. Judging from the name, that must be a tasty pie.

Anyway I dropped it off at Walmart since I don't have a printer and they will give me double prints of any recipes that may be stored on it. I will mail you the recipes but my wife always expresses interest in your pies so I will probably give her a copy. If you don't mind of course.

Walmart also said they would digitize whatever is on there and put it on the cloud. I could just forward the files to you once they are safely there.

You know with Thanksgiving just around the corner, I could also just dump them in that Flo Shack somewhere to share with Attila and the rest of the ladies. I bet they would love to see some of secrets of your success.

Let me know what works for you.

YiC,

Freddy

PS- thanks for the donation. I will deposit it into my dad's outreach ministry account in the Belize National Bank.

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Originally Posted by Freddy Osborne

I apologize for the delay, Sister. I do not recall seeing any 8mm with your name on it.

But there was a cd with a damaged label- "Lamb Scream Pie" I think. Judging from the name, that must be a tasty pie.

Anyway I dropped it off at Walmart since I don't have a printer and they will give me double prints of any recipes that may be stored on it. I will mail you the recipes but my wife always expresses interest in your pies so I will probably give her a copy. If you don't mind of course.

Walmart also said they would digitize whatever is on there and put it on the cloud. I could just forward the files to you once they are safely there.

You know with Thanksgiving just around the corner, I could also just dump them in that Flo Shack somewhere to share with Attila and the rest of the ladies. I bet they would love to see some of secrets of your success.

Let me know what works for you.

YiC,

Freddy

PS- thanks for the donation. I will deposit it into my dad's outreach ministry account in the Belize National Bank.

Freddy, dear,

Don't make me rebuke you in the Name of Jesus. Your father and I had fellowship that made me shout GLORY on more than one occasion, and I want to cherish that memory. However, our fellowship was spiritual and there are NO recipes. Therefore, I will expect you to DESTROY, as promised, anything that might have somehow in any very small tiny way linked me to your amazing dad.

I would hate to get the DOF involved, darling.
The power of Christ compels you.
So will my high powered attorney and Brother Billy.

In Jesus, My Lord,
NRL

[Freddy Osborne]

Whoa there, Sister Lamb. I'm not sure what you are all worked up about but I'm beginning to think there is more to this than tasty desserts and that $20 money order you sent. The COD was a nice touch btw.

Whatever it is, I don't appreciate slandering my Dad's name. My mother was his one true love. After Jesus of course.

And before you go threatening to lawyer up and all, Johnny Joe Hold has already called on behalf of some un-named party asking a bunch of questions.
At this point I'm guessing this party ain't you.

And now that I think about it. I'm going to head on down to the Wal-Mart photo lab and find out what this is all about for myself. I got the feeling it's going be something special.

One last thing... This guy is needs a ride. I got tired of him following me and had my 4 year old siphon the gas out of his tank.

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb

Freddy, dear,

Don't make me rebuke you in the Name of Jesus.

Oh, my beloved sister Naomi, you have such an excellent sense of humor! The thought of a woman rebuking a True Christian™ man!

Oh, Sister, if I didn't think that you were a proper 1 Timothy 2:12 True Christian woman, I would have thought that you were serious!

You are so funny, Sister!

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

Oh, my beloved sister Naomi, you have such an excellent sense of humor! The thought of a woman rebuking a True Christian™ man!

Oh, Sister, if I didn't think that you were a proper 1 Timothy 2:12 True Christian woman, I would have thought that you were serious!

You are so funny, Sister!

Um, well - I mean - you CAUGHT me, Sister Basilissa!
I wondered how long it would be until someone um, noticed that I was, um, joking. After all, to even think that I would be worried about anything unseemly is a joke in itself, as my reputation will prove. I do hope, of course, that Mr. Osborne uses discretion in all his dealings with me. I would so hate for him to go against God's teachings about bearing false witness and gossip.

Bless you for making me, um - smile.

NRL

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Originally Posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb

After all, to even think that I would be worried about anything unseemly is a joke in itself, as my reputation will prove.

Indeed, Sister, your reputation is legendary.

Originally Posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb

I do hope, of course, that Mr. Osborne uses discretion in all his dealings with me.

As do we all - especially on these Godly forums, which are occasionally seen by children!

But to get back on topic: Brother Freddy, is there any news of the Rev. Jim?

[BrotherLarry]

I have gone back and read posts by Brother Osborne and oh, the blessings that the Holy Spirit placed in my soul from his ministry. I just came in my prayer closet.

Now that I am here, with my laptop ready to praise God and approach His throne, I raise Brother Osborne to Jesus' attention and ask through Christ that a Holy GPS will be attached to him even now. Oh, Lord, we praise You that You know every hair on our heads and every nail on our toes - Huh. I'll be right back.

Sorry - had to clip my toenails.

Anyway, in continuation, God of Miracles, won't You reach out Your Hand and lead Brother Osborne back to his home, alleviationing the worries and cares that now indescrimptively assault his family unit? May every angel guide and direct Brother Osborne so that he is found quickly and may he never look back (Remember Lot's wife).

Oh, thank You Jesus for hearing and answering our ferdant prayeral upinquirings. Amen to the infinite power.

COME, Lord Jesus!
BrotherLarry

[Father Maurice Lester]

The former Reverend is alive, well and living in a fine Catholic monastery near one of the more famous painted Churches near Suceava in northeastern Romania. He is known around the grounds now simply as James and he has been studying the art of exterior fresco cleaning and restoration.

Quite a few years back he made pilgrimage to Vatican City in hopes of reviewing some of the more esoteric art pieces we choose not to display in the Vatican museums. It was there he had his 'road to Damascus' moment, found the true path to Christ and asked... well... begged actually, to join the Church of Rome.

To say we were suspicious at first would be an understatement but after he had spent considerable time in prayer with Sister Lola and several of her charges it was clear he was honestly driven to find the truth and solace only a fine Catholic commitment can provide.

I have suggested to him that a young man claiming to be his progeny has appeared here with little to support claims of lineage and he has told me that while in the throws of Baptwism he had in fact been promiscuous and something of a prodigious fornicator. (His confessions are legendary by the way... Sister Daisy)

Short of a DNA test, there is no way to authenticate the veracity of this Freddy fellow's claims but by James' own words there seems to be every chance he has more kids than a Sudanese goat herder.

This would be a fine time for his possible son to assume the mantle of faith his father accepted when he renounced this corn belt cult and decided to become one with Jesus.




Bless you, my little bastard,
Father Mo





.

[Freddy Osborne]

Well things have certainly taken a strange turn. And it is apparently no coincidence that the Vatican puppet has shown up questioning my credibility and slandering my father's True Christian name.

As I was coming out of Walmart the other night, I was suddenly accosted by several peculiar men demanding my wallet, car keys, and bags. However, I escaped the vile thugs and discreetly exited thru the Lawn and Garden Department. Praise Jesus for catlike reflexes honed by years of Royal Ambassdor training, a floor model front-tined rototiller, and the shadow of the Lord.

Psalm 91:1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

Unfortunately I did lose some of the DVDs, the film and a lot of the pics. But what is most intriguing is they kept yelling, "Gero rem imperialem!" And check the pic out from the Walmart security cameras.

???

Well no use crying about it. Most of the stuff is safely in the Walmart cloud anyway and I still have Dad's journals.

But one last thing, Father Mo... Before I play this DVD with the word Weldbilt on it, I'm gonna need the address of that monastery along with everything you Romans have on my Daddy and the rest of Landover.

Yours in Christ,

Freddy

[Freddy Osborne]

Hello Sister Naomi,

Unfortunately, I have cashed the $20 money order you sent. But after seeing the contents of the recipe file I have no choice but share some of its blessings with the Landover community.

What follows now is truly delightful. I strongly advise anyone with an empty stomach to stop reading.

Lamb's Cream Pie

- 1 box of Jello chocolate pudding mix
- 1 cup of chicken stock
- 1/2 cup of chopped asparagus
- 1/2 avocado
- 1/2 cup of figs
- 1 tbsp of basil
- 1/2 of chopped garlic cloves
Mix thoroughly.

Oyster Meringue
- 1 tbsp cornstach
- 2 cups of chicken stock
- 1 teaspoon of vanilla flavoring
- 6 egg whites
- 1/4 cup of honey
- 1 cup of diced raw oysters (shucked)
- 1/2 cup of mayonnaise
- 1/4 cup of ground almonds
Blend on high and chill thoroughly.

Pie Shell
- 3/4 cup of flour
- 1/4 cup of corn meal
- 1/2 cup of Crisco
- 1/2 cup of pimento cheese
- 2 tbsp of chicken stock

Mix and bake pie crust at 475 degrees 8-10 min in 9" pie pan. Spoon in salad mix and chill completely. Top with oyster salad, cut and serve.


I'm sure forthcoming compliments and praise (and maybe some envy??? ), will more than make up anything that may have been previously said. It is little wonder that everyone makes such a fuss over your pies.

YiC,

Fred