[Halleluyah Rob]

Originally Posted by Raven.

oh good, i do get to enjoy my Friday. i was soooo 'suprized' to wake up to the usual alarm clock...'surprised' as in i sighed and stumbled back into my chair to see what other exiting things that were planned actuly happened.

Raven

Lay off the marijuana and every day things won't seem so interesting.

You don't have much time left before you're raptured, I suggest SERIOUS repenting.

[Mrs. Rogers]

Originally Posted by Wide-Open

Brothers, Sisters, are you all still there?

Brother WO, I'm not sure I am all there -- I have been on my knees for the past 12 hours and can no longer feel my lower limbs! At first I thought I'd been Raptured from the waist down, but I can still see, if not feel, my legs.

Originally Posted by Heathen_Basher

Amen! Everything has happened as the Bible stated. Jesus today began his reign on earth - invisibly from heaven. Today, March 4, 2010, is the beginning of the end!

PRAISE, Brother Basher! It is most certainly the beginning of the end of my blood circulation; I welcome the inevitable gangrene, and offer it up unto the LORD as proof of my faith.

[Raven.]

Originally Posted by Halleluyah Rob

Lay off the marijuana and every day things won't seem so interesting.

You don't have much time left before you're raptured, I suggest SERIOUS repenting.

"surprising" being in quotes was to say that every day is normally just an average day. I couldn't take marijuana anyway as for i would lose my job and love and probably get killed.

but now that its past 24 there i guess its all good.

Raven

[Miss Cassandra]

Originally Posted by Free Market Fred

The Lord is deliberately holding back on Armageddon and Rapture until midnight, in the hopes that you will take up my offer and buy End of World Insurance (EOWI). As I mentioned earlier, this will protect you and your family from burning in Hell due to indebtedness. Now, on End-Of-World eve, we offer the special discounted price of $89 (was previously $99!).

You really have a great time, haven't you, with so many dumb idiots around to release of their money?

Anyway, I believe it is the 5th of March now in all parts of America except Alaska and Hawaii. Is Jesus delayed? Has he overslept himself?

[michele]

so has rapture occured? is this rapture? me being at work?

[Icelandic Atheist]

Rapture

1. The state of being transported by a lofty emotion; ecstasy.
2. An expression of ecstatic feeling. Often used in the plural.

I take it when you spoke of rapture you meant an ectasy-overdose party ?

Didn't know God was in favor of:

Ecstasy:

• MDMA or Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, a psychedelic drug sold under the street name "ecstasy".

Good on you!

Enjoy.

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by Miss Cassandra

You really have a great time, haven't you, with so many dumb idiots around to release of their money?

Hey! The products of Free Market Fred are awesome, I buy almost everything he sells. My motion detecting sprinklers work flawlessly and his End of World Insurance gives me great comfort. The great thing about his insurance is that it is continuous (provided I pay the monthly fee), so no matter when God decides to end the World, I will be covered.

[Wide-Open]

Does anyone know what happened?

I'm posting this from my hospital bed. It was a bit of a weird day. I was waiting in my prayer closet, hoping that Jesus wouldn't forget me. I got more and more nervous, and started to hyperventilate.

Took a few shots of whisky to calm down.

Later I decided to make it easy for Baby Jesus, and go outside. To make myself as light as possible, I took off all my clothes. And to make a headstart I climbed in a nearby tree shouting "HERE I AM JESUS, PLEASE TAKE ME!!!!" from the top of my lungs.

Then it became dark.

Suddenly, I heard a soothing voice and saw a strange blurry light.

RAPTURE!

HEAVEN!!!!

Eh, no.

It turned out to be the ER room light, where they were fixing my broken leg, and the nurse asking why I had been such a silly boy. CAN YOU IMAGINE MY DISAPPOINTMENT?

Apparently, the branch I was standing on couldn't hold me, and I fell out of the tree. I also got a fine from the police for indecent behaviour. BASTARDS!

This also means I can not come to Freehold for the coming election, and I'll have to bow out of the race.

What a day.

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by Wide-Open

Does anyone know what happened?

It seems God has given all of us some extra time. I think he noticed many people following the wrong path and He wanted them to get on the right path first. Praise The LORD for his infinite wisdom!

Fortunately I have Free Market Fred's extended End of World Insurance so no matter when God decides to end the World, I will be covered.

[Philippe]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

It seems God has given all of us some extra time. I think he noticed many people following the wrong path and He wanted them to get on the right path first. Praise The LORD for his infinite wisdom!

Fortunately I have Free Market Fred's extended End of World Insurance so no matter when God decides to end the World, I will be covered.

Can I still apply for that End of World Insurance? Because nobody can be sure of how long the Godly delay will be.

I agree with Cranky Old Man, we should praise the LORD for His wisdom, but I'd also like all the non-believers here to THANK Him for the chance God just gave them to repent.
And I'd like them to apologize to us, because, once again, it's their fault if we're not sitting in Heaven, drinking a fresh cocktail right now

[Palmer C. Eldrich]

I'm surprised that I made it thru the whole day without hearing that old BLONDIE song.

[True Disciple]

Originally Posted by Icelandic Atheist

Rapture

1. The state of being transported by a lofty emotion; ecstasy.
2. An expression of ecstatic feeling. Often used in the plural.

I take it when you spoke of rapture you meant an ectasy-overdose party ?

Didn't know God was in favor of:

Ecstasy:

• MDMA or Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, a psychedelic drug sold under the street name "ecstasy".

Good on you!

Enjoy.

I see that you have found yet another way of being amazingly stupid. Please read this before embarrassing yourself even more.

[Miss Cassandra]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

The great thing about his insurance is that it is continuous (provided I pay the monthly fee), so no matter when God decides to end the World, I will be covered.

Yes, that indeed is the great thing about it. A great thing for Fred, of course, who will spend the holidays in an even more luxurious hotel in some tropical country.

I can't blame him. Such stupid people deserve to be taken advantage of.

[Meek and Humble]

Never worry friends, the end of the world is going on exactly on schedule. It BEGAN yesterday, and the events of end times as revealed in Revelation will be taking place in this transitional period, which may last a few years.

Everything has happened as was foretold

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Heathen_Basher

Never worry friends, the end of the world is going on exactly on schedule. It BEGAN yesterday, and the events of end times as revealed in Revelation will be taking place in this transitional period, which may last a few years.

Everything has happened as was foretold

I can feel it happening. After Brother Monty and I finished off my wine cellar, I feel like The End is upon me.

[Raven.]

Originally Posted by Heathen_Basher

Never worry friends, the end of the world is going on exactly on schedule. It BEGAN yesterday, and the events of end times as revealed in Revelation will be taking place in this transitional period, which may last a few years.

Everything has happened as was foretold

Wait, but nothing has happened at least to any of our knowledge. We can assume it has if you believe in it but where is the sign saying anything has?

It'll be another normal day for me anyhow, back to work! I suggest the same for people, if you believe in this so much it'll all come around when it does.

Raven

[Meek and Humble]

We must understand, that Jesus said everything would be accomplished "before the generation who sees these things passes away). Everything started on the 4th. So the end can come anytime between now and the point when every currently alive will be dead, so say, any time until the early 22nd century.

THE END IS NIGH!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Did anyone take into account the difference between the Julian and Gregorian calendars?

[Free Market Fred]

Originally Posted by Miss Cassandra

Yes, that indeed is the great thing about it. A great thing for Fred, of course, who will spend the holidays in an even more luxurious hotel in some tropical country.

I can't blame him. Such stupid people deserve to be taken advantage of.

Well, I'm back from my holiday in a tropical country, Cambodia. Had a good time teaching two of my favorite Bible students, Mandy and Fanny...



...or maybe it's Sandy and Candy, I can't keep track. Anyway, I wanted to spend Doomsday Eve with them, praying together and waiting for the Lord's judgement.

Of course, God, in all His wisdom, has decided to grant the world an extended deadline. Hey, it happens - I'm perfectly familiar with project delays. When my company got a contract to rebuild Iraq back in 2003, we originally forecast that everything would be completed in 6 months. Now, 7 years later and $10 billion over budget, we realize that the original timetable was unrealistic. Well, it's just like The Lord says, "Sh*t happens." Just roll with the punches and ask Congress for another $2 billion, and move on.

Anyway, those of you wisely bought our End-of-World Insurance did the right thing. And don't forget, for the low monthly price of $99/month, you can extend your policy indefinitely until such time as God finishes the project and floods the Earth for the second time. Those of you who haven't bought a policy would be wise to do so immediately - have your credit card numbers ready when you call, our operators are standing by.

Ahem, now, Miss Cassandra, I'm afraid that I have to take you to task for your negative comment, "Such stupid people deserve to be taken advantage of.:lol." If you are referring to the blessed folks at Landover Baptist, then quite frankly you're off base. These folks are the little people behind the scenes who keep America great. They're the ones who pay their taxes, listen to Rush Limbaugh and Fox News, vote Republican, attend teabag rallies, hate abortionists (until they need one), keep a small armory at home, and sink themselves up to their eyeballs in credit card debt and payday loans in order to tithe and purchase Sarah Palin books. They're the salt of the Earth, and without them big corporations like mine would only be worth mere millions rather than billions.

So, I just want to say a big "thank you" to everybody here, the little people, for making it all possible. And remember to keep paying your bills, even as we near Armageddon and Rapture - The Lord doesn't take kindly to deadbeats, and won't hesitate to caste you into Satan's firepit if you default on your mortgages or car loans. You can stop paying only when He says so. Any premature Chapter 13 bankruptcy filings will result in cancellation of your reserved place in Heaven - be forewarned!


A big "thank you" from your corporate overlords

[Meek and Humble]

I see where I went wrong in my calculations. I was counting back the years from when Adam was created, but I forgot to take into account that Adam may have been alone for several years before Eve came along.

I'm sorry for any inconvenience I may have caused.

But anyway, the end is very soon approaching!