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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-16-2016, 05:07 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Segoosuoia View Post
And this is why a lot of Christians don't like atheists. Coming on a Christian forum and ridiculing our faith just makes you sound like a troll. Some of these militant atheists are just as bad as the militant Christians. Okay I'll step off the soapbox now.
What a quaint little soapbox that was. Thank you for sharing. Would you be so kind as to explain what a "militant Christian" is? Are you referring to the Crusades,




or how the New World was cleaned up of riff-raff and given the Good News?



Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-16-2016, 05:31 PM

I'm referring to how atheists stereotype Christians as being hateful and trying to shove their beliefs down people's throats, and then they go and do the same exact thing. I've been on YouTube videos where there will be a song or a message or whatever, and there's always someone who has nothing better to do making stupid comments about how only an idiot would believe in God and calling Him "the imaginary friend in the sky" or something equally disrespectful.
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Love Jesus Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-17-2016, 02:09 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Segoosuoia View Post
I'm referring to how atheists stereotype Christians as being hateful and trying to shove their beliefs down people's throats, and then they go and do the same exact thing. I've been on YouTube videos where there will be a song or a message or whatever, and there's always someone who has nothing better to do making stupid comments about how only an idiot would believe in God and calling Him "the imaginary friend in the sky" or something equally disrespectful.
I know, right?! That's just utterly ridiculous! We know He's not imaginary (the Bible tells us so), and we know he's not our friend (a friend would not cast us to eternal damnation for a single tiny offense, James 2:10), and we know He's everywhere, not just in the sky!

Atheists are so dumb!

Psalm 14:1 The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-21-2016, 06:34 AM

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-21-2016, 06:37 AM

What is the difference between a Jew and a pot roast?


People get upset when you burn a pot roast.


Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
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Smile Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-21-2016, 04:14 PM

Pastor told this one at Sunday services:


A Jew, a Mormon, and a True Christian™ all dared each other to jump over a candlestick with a three ft. high flame.


"I'll go first!" said the True Christian™ and he went through unscathed.


The Jew was next to go. He was engulfed in flames and died almost instantly. .


Next went the Mormon. He, too, went through the flame without incident. This puzzled the True Christian™. "How did you do that?" he inquired.


The Mormon smirked and said, "Asbestos magic underwear!"
Of course, the Mormon died a few months later of mesothelioma.


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-22-2016, 02:17 AM

One rainy night after a few too many beers down at the road house, Pastor Dewitt Prejean over in Iberia Parish came home and got into an argument with his wife Carrie Ann and she got mad and drove off into the rainy night. Pastor Dewitt wasn't too worried because that kind of thing happened on a pretty regular basis. After a while Pastor Dewitt crawled into bed and slept like a log until about sunup. He wasn't real surprised that Carrie Ann wasn't there because she usually went to her mamma's house when she got mad.


That afternoon when Carrie Ann still hadn't come back, Pastor Dewitt called over to mamma's house and she hadn't seen her at all. Dewitt was concerned and he called the sheriff to report Carrie Ann missing. Deputy Robichaux came out and took the report and said he'd be in touch.


The deputy didn't call that night at all but he came back the next morning and knocked at the screen door. Pastor Dewitt came out on the porch and Deputy Robichaux told him he had some bad news and he had some good news. Pastor Dewitt said to go on and give him the bad news first. The deputy said he was sorry but he had to tell Dewitt that Carrie Ann drove off the bridge into the bayou and she was drowned. They had found her floating about 100 yards from the bridge.


The Pastor was shocked and he broke down in tears. The deputy said he was very sorry and that the coroner would be getting in touch with Pastor Dewitt the next day. The Pastor asked what the delay was for and the deputy brightened right up. He smiled and said that brings him to the good news. She had twelve big blue crabs on her he said and they were going to float her again that evening.


God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-22-2016, 03:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alvin Moss View Post
One rainy night after a few too many beers down at the road house, Pastor Dewitt Prejean over in Iberia Parish came home and got into an argument with his wife Carrie Ann and she got mad and drove off into the rainy night. Pastor Dewitt wasn't too worried because that kind of thing happened on a pretty regular basis. After a while Pastor Dewitt crawled into bed and slept like a log until about sunup. He wasn't real surprised that Carrie Ann wasn't there because she usually went to her mamma's house when she got mad.


That afternoon when Carrie Ann still hadn't come back, Pastor Dewitt called over to mamma's house and she hadn't seen her at all. Dewitt was concerned and he called the sheriff to report Carrie Ann missing. Deputy Robichaux came out and took the report and said he'd be in touch.


The deputy didn't call that night at all but he came back the next morning and knocked at the screen door. Pastor Dewitt came out on the porch and Deputy Robichaux told him he had some bad news and he had some good news. Pastor Dewitt said to go on and give him the bad news first. The deputy said he was sorry but he had to tell Dewitt that Carrie Ann drove off the bridge into the bayou and she was drowned. They had found her floating about 100 yards from the bridge.


The Pastor was shocked and he broke down in tears. The deputy said he was very sorry and that the coroner would be getting in touch with Pastor Dewitt the next day. The Pastor asked what the delay was for and the deputy brightened right up. He smiled and said that brings him to the good news. She had twelve big blue crabs on her he said and they were going to float her again that evening.

I'm sorry, Brother Moss, but I don't get this one. Why was Pastor Dewitt crying? Was the missus driving his favorite car?


Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-22-2016, 02:05 PM

After Stalin’s death, the Soviet nation decided to get rid of him once and for all and bury him as far away as possible. They set up a special commission.
The commission turned to the British government with the request that they make available a plot in a British cemetery.
“Well,” replies the British government, ”we do already have Karl Marx in England … Two such great masters in the one cemetery . . . That would be overdoing it a bit…”
So they tried the Germans.
”Well, we would bury him here,’ reply the Germans, ‘but Hitler is already buried here. Two such great tyrants in the one country …”
Suddenly there arrived a telegram from Tel Aviv: ”In view of the fact that Stalin did not block the creation of the state of Israel, we agree to bury him here.”
”No way,” said the members of the commission in sudden panic. ”No way. After all they had a resurrection there …’”


Acts 2:44-45
44 And all that believed were together, and had all things common;
45 And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need.
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Sinner Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 01-31-2017, 04:39 PM

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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 02-01-2017, 04:34 AM

This is an old one I found
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Isaiah 66:15

For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 02-02-2017, 01:24 PM

Q:what do u call a load of white people running down a hill
A:avalanche

Q:what do u call a load of Mexicans running down a hill

A:mud slide

Q:what do u call a load of black people running down a hill


A: prison break


1 Thessalonians 4:16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the TRUMP of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 02-02-2017, 10:17 PM

Why are there no gramines? Because granades are granades and mines are mines.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 03-20-2017, 04:24 AM

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
The picture only takes ***blasphemy removed***
-A furry on the internet
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 03-21-2017, 05:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tuemescine View Post
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
One temporarily died for your sins while the other was probably drawn flashing gang signs by some wetback catlick.


Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
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Basilissa Basilissa is offline
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 03-21-2017, 07:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tuemescine View Post
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
Praising the former will send you to Heaven (John 3:16-18), praising the latter will send you to Hell (Exodus 20:4).

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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 03-21-2017, 09:14 PM

Here's a Joke.


Obama.
DROPS MIC
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 03-25-2017, 12:47 AM

A car carrying 3 Jewish men drives off a cliff. What's the tragedy?

They were living their lives believing Jesus was a lie. What a joke! Ba dum tsst.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 09-09-2017, 12:12 AM







“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Titus Templeton Titus Templeton is offline
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Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Titus Templeton will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-10-2017, 06:23 PM

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw a black man running down the street with a TV under his arm.
I though "shit, that looks a lot like mine" so I went home and checked and mine was out tending to the cotton field.




Most gays are loosing their virginity a lot like how they learned to ride a bike. With their Dad having a firm grip on their shoulders.
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