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HALLOWEEN = HELLOWEEN A seasonal forum to NOT celebrate Satan's birthday.

 
 
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Default 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-11-2014, 12:50 PM

Nobody does a Hell House like we do here at the Landover Baptist Church, and this year we're going to be setting a new bar. Sure, your run-of-the mill Evangelical megachurch puts on a good show, and I'll never criticize others who are out there on the line saving souls. But this year Landover is upping the ante by featuring real Hellbound sinners. Here's just a taste of the attractions that will scare you white (just joking, I know that you're already white!):
  • Genuine negro drug gang members threatening the visitors.
  • Actual wiccans (captured during last year's wicca hunt) performing a black mass.
  • Honest-to-goodness thieves picking the pockets of visitors.
  • Real acts of homosexual sodomy ruining heterosexual marriages live onstage.
  • Jews eating Christian babies (OK, we're just simulating the baby eating, but the Jews are real).
  • A blasphemer of the Holy Ghost.
  • Women disobeying their husbands.
  • Catholics bowing down to their Jesus idols.
  • A man coveting his neighbor's ass.
  • And a bunch of sinners committing sins too disgusting to list on a church website.
Don't just see the sins acted out, but come experience them firsthand! For an extra fee, visitors will even be able to torment these sinners the way they will be tormented in the fiery pits of Hell! It promises to be a fun night of thrills and chills for the entire family, with a good, wholesome Christian message. Just don't ask me how we've arranged for the participation of real life sinners, because I'm not sure that it's legal in the State of Iowa.


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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-11-2014, 08:35 PM

As usual another well laid plan. I have concerns on one thing though, do you really want to expose our youngsters to Wive's not obeying their Husbands. I just don't think it is appropriate under any circumstances.
Also I have seen nothing concerning a witch hunt? I thought that with the Mayor seizing all the woodpiles in town we were in for one hell of a bonfire and what is a bonfire without a witch on top?


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Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-11-2014, 08:54 PM

Due to the shocking nature of the exhibit I shall be on hand to administer therapy to those young youths who are too shaken up by their ordeal to immediately intergrate back to their families.

These young men need the delicate touch that only intense and vigorous therapy can provide. It is a process that often leaves them visibly shaken but with a firm knowledge Jesus.

YIC


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-11-2014, 09:26 PM

And yet once again, Dr. Niles demonstrates in a very real way his commitment to the youth of the church. Oh, Jesus, how I praise Your Name that we have Dr. Niles in our midst. I don't know how other churches protect their young people, but it's one thing we never have to worry about in Landover. May God richly bless you, Dr. Niles, for the efforts you take. I don't know a young person in this area that Dr. Niles has not wrapped his arm around, pulling them into a group hug with Jesus. Glory!

I do have a question about these exhibits: Will they be properly restrained so as not to touch the True Christians™ in attendance? God is my protector, but a heavy gauge chain only serves to strengthen my faith in Him.

In our Lord,
NRL


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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-12-2014, 12:28 AM

That tormenting the sinners thing. Is that pay by the hour? If so, do you have any Asian witches on hand?


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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-12-2014, 01:00 AM

Can I attend?
I have a large rod that I would love to use on the homers. To give them a taste of what comes when God smites them and they go to Hell.


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12 And when thy days be fulfilled, and thou shalt sleep with thy fathers, I will set up thy seed after thee, which shall proceed out of thy bowels, and I will establish his kingdom. 13 He shall build an house for my name, and I will stablish the throne of his kingdom for ever. 14 I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men


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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-12-2014, 04:11 AM

We have plenty of competition out there, True Christians™.



Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-12-2014, 04:32 AM

My fiance is putting one on, and while our church probably cannot match Landover, we can try to borrow some of the ideas, with your permission to bring souls back to the Lord. Is that ok?


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-12-2014, 05:34 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstark16 View Post
My fiance is putting one on, and while our church probably cannot match Landover, we can try to borrow some of the ideas, with your permission to bring souls back to the Lord. Is that ok?
There are some wonderful ideas there from Mr Dnow particularly towards the end of the list.

I hope to be in California later this month so if your fiancé needs a hand with anything I'll make every effort to get him off on the right foot for this important ministry. In fact I do have some interesting fabric available together with costume suggestions and you're welcome to whatever's left over.
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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-13-2014, 02:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
There are some wonderful ideas there from Mr Dnow particularly towards the end of the list.

I hope to be in California later this month so if your fiancé needs a hand with anything I'll make every effort to get him off on the right foot for this important ministry. In fact I do have some interesting fabric available together with costume suggestions and you're welcome to whatever's left over.
Thank you for your generosity Mrs. MitzaLizalor! Luke 6:38 "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again."


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-14-2014, 06:43 AM

I think as a finishing touch, we should share the Good News by dousing visitors with the Ebola strand and proselytize to them how the Good Lord Jesus is merciful and will Reward them in Eternity, but their new-found parasitic plague horribly devouring their intestines and making them bleed inside out is only the beginning of what Satan has awaiting for them should they keep him as their Master.
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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-14-2014, 09:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim C. Lombardo View Post
I think as a finishing touch, we should share the Good News by dousing visitors with the Ebola strand and proselytize to them how the Good Lord Jesus is merciful and will Reward them in Eternity, but their new-found parasitic plague horribly devouring their intestines and making them bleed inside out is only the beginning of what Satan has awaiting for them should they keep him as their Master.
God does not say to make them sick, but to heal them.

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Proverbs 20:23 Divers weights are an abomination unto the LORD; and a false balance is not good.
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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-14-2014, 08:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adam Fag View Post
God does not say to make them sick, but to heal them.

TAKE YOUR PICK:
http://biblehub.com/luke/11-12.htm
God also tells us:
Proverbs 1:26 I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh;
Proverbs 1:27
When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you.


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-16-2014, 11:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Benedict A. Davis View Post
Also I have seen nothing concerning a witch hunt? I thought that with the Mayor seizing all the woodpiles in town we were in for one hell of a bonfire and what is a bonfire without a witch on top?
Halloween at Landover wouldn't be Halloween without a witch hunt. I hope I'm not spoiling any surprises, but I saw a couple of Apache helicopters in the church hangar, so this year's witch hunt should be a real blast.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
I do have a question about these exhibits: Will they be properly restrained so as not to touch the True Christians™ in attendance? God is my protector, but a heavy gauge chain only serves to strengthen my faith in Him.
No need to worry. We don't expect the True Christian™ casualty rate to be more than 3-4%. We consider Safety First to be a very strong guideline.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Des View Post
That tormenting the sinners thing. Is that pay by the hour? If so, do you have any Asian witches on hand?
I don't know about the pricing--it might be pay per scream. Asian witches aren't all that common in Iowa, but, for a high tither like you, I'm sure we can scare up a few. Maybe we can trade a few fornicators for some slants with one of our affiliate churches in California this year. We have fornicators coming out of the woodwork.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Farmer View Post
Can I attend? I have a large rod that I would love to use on the homers. To give them a taste of what comes when God smites them and they go to Hell.
If I can clear it with LBC security, then sure. The Hell House itself is open to the public, but access to the church compound is strictly controlled since that gang of roving half-naked liberals tried to hold a combination non-violent sit-in/folk music festival in the tabernacle back in 1972. I'm sure you understand--we really don't want to have to drag out the dogs and the fire hoses again, since even the non-violent liberals cause a surprising amount of damage when you try to teach them a lesson in respecting authority (more to the hoses than to the dogs, who can protect themselves just fine, but the hoses are expensive).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
We have plenty of competition out there, True Christians™.
I have to admit, that is a damned good Hell House, with truly fine acting. I was so scared watching that video that I nearly pissed my pants! But we'll top it, with room to spare. Guaranteed.


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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-18-2014, 03:52 AM

WWJDnow
Quote:
Halloween at Landover wouldn't be Halloween without a witch hunt. I hope I'm not spoiling any surprises, but I saw a couple of Apache helicopters in the church hangar, so this year's witch hunt should be a real blast.

Sounds great and I will be happy to make a donation to the Pastor's Halloween slush fund if I were to get early notice of ticket sales for that ride!


1 Chronicles 16:15
Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-18-2014, 04:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
If I can clear it with LBC security, then sure. The Hell House itself is open to the public, but access to the church compound is strictly controlled since that gang of roving half-naked liberals tried to hold a combination non-violent sit-in/folk music festival in the tabernacle back in 1972. I'm sure you understand--we really don't want to have to drag out the dogs and the fire hoses again, since even the non-violent liberals cause a surprising amount of damage when you try to teach them a lesson in respecting authority (more to the hoses than to the dogs, who can protect themselves just fine, but the hoses are expensive).
Thanks. I'll book my flight now, on the assumption that you can get me a clearance!
Even if you can't, the Hell House will be well worth the trip.


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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-18-2014, 11:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post

I don't know about the pricing--it might be pay per scream. Asian witches aren't all that common in Iowa, but, for a high tither like you, I'm sure we can scare up a few. Maybe we can trade a few fornicators for some slants with one of our affiliate churches in California this year. We have fornicators coming out of the woodwork.
I'll bring my Palladium card. Anything to help a worthy cause.


Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 10-21-2014, 07:46 AM

There's not much I can do about the helicopter seats--Pastor Deacon Hardwick (the elder, not the younger) is controlling that, so you should probably approach one of the deacons to discuss it (I'm just a lowly servant).

One thing though, if you are riding in the copters, please don't shoot the missiles until we get our Christian Soldier Special Forces C-teams in place with the laser authenticators on target. Hellfire missiles cost around $70,000 each, so, as much as every witch deserves Hellfire, we want to be sure that every missile takes out at least four or five witches. For smaller groups, please stick to the 30 mm chain gun. Trust me, at over 10 rounds per second, you'll have a blast with it.


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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 11-02-2014, 04:25 AM

This was even better than I expected.

Des, I hope those Thai bar girls weren't too young for you. We did the best we could on short notice, but it's devilishly hard to tell whether a Thai bar girl has reached puberty. Hell, we couldn't even figure out which of them were really girls! Anyway, at some point you just have to throw up your hands and say "a sinner is a sinner."


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Default Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet - 11-02-2014, 06:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
This was even better than I expected.

Des, I hope those Thai bar girls weren't too young for you. We did the best we could on short notice, but it's devilishly hard to tell whether a Thai bar girl has reached puberty. Hell, we couldn't even figure out which of them were really girls! Anyway, at some point you just have to throw up your hands and say "a sinner is a sinner."
It's true that their age is notoriously hard to guess. They can hit their late 30's and still look 12. One of them did possess some questionable appendages, but as I was still armed from the witch hunt, those odd body parts are no longer present to speculate upon.

I was quite pleased from my session with the smallest one and I think I really reached her. As I was leaving, I heard her sobbing that Buddha had deserted her, so I think I drove the demon out.


Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
 

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