[Cranky Old Man]

This morning I woke up with a strange feeling. I wanted a large beautiful hot negro to fill my bottom with his sinful tallywacker over and over again.

Also, Jesus Christ is a hoax made up by Bollywood. HE DOESN'T EXIST! He is an elaborate scheme to abuse people by claiming it is HIS will that they suffer and that their purpose in life is to make the rich richer and to get piffleed by the rich whenever they want to piffle.

And we need to impeach that buffoon Trump FAST! We need re-elections and we need Bernie. Only with a communist president will we become good enough for Putin to take it all and rule America the way the flying spaghetti monster intended it.

I told my wife I want a divorce so I can trade up to that hot slut from the Red Raven Espresso Parlor in Fargo.

Did I mention I became a vegan?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

I'll be sending my Nigerian houseboyman over to you in a couple of hours when he's finished with me. I'll be too tired after that to consider any political measures for at least a week.

[Elmer G. White]

I'd join you, my Brethren, but I'm scheduled for my sex-change operation later today!



Galatians 3:38
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.


Yours in Christina,

Elmer

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Brethren, what's gotten into you? If you persist in such shameful thoughts and activities, how do you plan to be liberated from saṃsāra?

[Jim Farmer]

Praise the Lord that the date in sinful Austria will be the 2nd April in 17 minutes!

[BrotherLarry]

Just announcing that Brother Jim Farmer and I got married today at an all gay church! You're all invited to the reception in Rio later.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

I fully intend to pick ups sticks tomorrow. And eat a clam.

I can't do anything today you see, because I have just 'used the Internet' and am a little tired.

YIC

[handmaiden]

I want to convert to Islam and wear a full burka so that I can conceal lots of explosives strapped to my body. First, I will blow up Mount Rushmore and then I will cave in the Grand Canyon. Then, if time allows, I will stop for a refreshing iced tea before tracking down a giant rubber band ball that I heard about. I'm not certain how I will handle the situation. I may strap more explosives to my chest, or I may find a giant pencil and fashion a no-frills slingshot.

[Des]

I was diagnosed as a sociopath at age 9 after I gutted the neighbors dog with a filet knife and tied their daughter to a swing set, poured honey on her and waited for the red ants to go to work.

I learned shortly after this that I was only attracted to Asian women, finding Caucasian women repulsive. I married a blue eyed, blond haired twit because her parents had money. I later murdered her father when the bastard wouldn't die of natural causes. Prior to that I earned a living by relieving inbred, ignorant sheeple of their money as a revivalist preacher and snake oil salesman. The facade of faith, I soon discovered, offered an exceptional cover for my interests. It seems that one can get away with almost anything by pretending to be a devout Christian.


There are over two dozen young Asian women currently held captive in my home. Most of them I purchased from various Slavic criminal organizations, though several I stalked and abducted myself. Now that my wife killed herself and I was able to dump the boys into military academys I have been able to renovate the basements of my homes to the dungeons I have always wanted.


That van-shooting incident? No accident. Truth is, I have nothing against Faith Machine, and his van really didn't bother me at all. I just really, really wanted to see what an anti-aircraft rifle would do to a vehicle, and his was conveniently in sight at the time. I wanted to do it, so I did it. And I was wondering what it would do to a nearby house when those damned Freehold Security people showed up with a citation signed by Mayor Hold ordering the removal of the ordinance. If the rifle had had another 5 minutes to cool down I would have been able to satisfy my curiosity about structural damage as well, damn it.

Edit: Oh, April Fools! JK. Gotcha, right? LOL ha ha!