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Default Bastard Children - 09-20-2006, 02:43 PM
What to do with them?


Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ.
Earlier today, just a little while ago, a problem showed up at my door.
They seem to keep showing up there, some of you may remember my thread about jehovys witnesses on the previous forum.
(Or "satans salesmen" as Pastor Ezekiel so fittingly refered to them.)

This time the problem was of another kind however, a tiny creature of sin without any hope of Salvation and thus quite worthless, my bastard "son"!
Yes, there he was, flanked by some harlot from social services, demanding (imagine that, a woman demanding things of a man!) that I "accept my responsibility".
She insisted that, since his mother has been missing for 4 years (he had since been in an orphanage.) I should take care of him.
Obviously they has had quite the difficulty tracking me down, and I thought that they never would.
How wrong I was!

Anyways, she insisted that I would either take him in and raise him as my son, or pay him a substanial amount of money for current and missed child support.
I refused to pay, replying that the money would be better spent on tithes and love-offerings to Jesus and the Landover Baptist Church, than spent on a lost case with no chance of ever going to Heaven.

Since we all know that bastards cannot enter the congregation of the Lord for ten generations, and thus cannot be Saved. (Deuteronomy 23:2)
She then replied I had no choice but to take him in, so I temporarily locked him in my basement to get rid of her.
Her empty rabble of "choices" means nothing though, we all know that I only have two choices, and that is to either obey Jesus or to burn!

So the problem still remains, what to do with him?
What does the holy Bible (KJV1611) say?
Shall I, despite the fact that Jesus obviously abhors him, raise him as my legitimate son?
(I must admit that the thought makes me sick to my stomach, but if it's Jesus will, I shall submit to it.)

Or should I toss him out into the cold? (literally)

I can hear the disgusting thing whining and crying from the basement like a sissy homer as of this writing , and Im getting sick of it, so quick answers would be very appreciated.


I am so ashamed that I even hesitated to post this, both for his existance, which is a living evidence of my previous life of sin, and the fact that he is acting like a little homer with all this crying.

If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
Last edited by SalvationSeeker; 09-20-2006 at 02:45 PM.
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Default 09-20-2006, 05:42 PM
Out into the cold with him.
He sounds a bit of a Homer.
If you can prove it, God gives you permission to remove the Demons from him.
Then throw him out!


Sister Talitha

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Default 09-20-2006, 07:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
Out into the cold with him.
He sounds a bit of a Homer.
If you can prove it, God gives you permission to remove the Demons from him.
Then throw him out!
Thanks for your advice, Sister.

I have just tested him for homerness using the guidelines in the "is your little boy going gay?" thread.
He cries alot and that's a bad sign, and I mean..
He is 9 years old! He should be able to stay in a cold, pitch-dark cellar without crying like a girl!

And when I later tossed him some food, I only supplied tuna fish (as recommended in point 2), yet he wouldn't eat it.
And then he cried even more. Christ!
The little homer even had the audacity to ask (in what little American he can speak) for hot dogs.
Obviously, that has made me even more concerned.

The fact that he is half-european (half-russian actually, but I don't know whats worse!), cries, refuses the tuna, and probably wouldn't go for bush in an election..
(would he had been old enough to make a decision.)
All makes me very concerned, he may very well be a disgusting little homer in the making!..

So the problem is more complex than I first thought:
Should I simply toss him out?
Should I stone him for being a potential homer.. ( A pre-emptive strike as used by the Godly GWB )
Or.. No, the last alternative is out of the question unless Jesus commands it. Jesus hates a bastard, and so do I.

I will probably need a Pastors guidance in this matter, that and their instructions on how the demons may be excorcised..

PRAISE!

If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default 09-20-2006, 07:53 PM
JESUS hears your plea, and LANDOVER has long been famous for helping people just like yourself.

Here are the instructions:

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0...dpurchase.html

Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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Default 09-20-2006, 08:04 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
JESUS hears your plea, and LANDOVER has long been famous for helping people just like yourself.

Here are the instructions:

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0...dpurchase.html

My prayers have been answered, thank you Jesus!
Although I couldn't take money for him, you may have him for free, or you may pay me the sum and I will donate it to Jesus for answering my prayers.

Anyway,
I will bring him as soon as possible.
I know you will find some use for him despite his Bastardness.

Praise Jesus!

If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default 09-20-2006, 08:10 PM
Er......no problem Brother, we will use the money to preach GOD'S MERCY all over the world.

We have an arrangement with a foreign...boarding school to give these poor, deprived youngsters a good education and head start in life. Yes, the young man will lack for nothing and will learn a valuable trade like gluing soles on Nike Air Jordans as he enjoys life in a tropical paradise.

Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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Default 09-20-2006, 08:24 PM
Truly, there is no love like True Christian™ love!

PRAISE JESUS!

If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default 09-21-2006, 12:09 AM
Selling children?!? What are they, animals or something?
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Default 09-21-2006, 12:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
Selling children?!? What are they, animals or something?
No, dear child, they are not animals. They are merely property. So are women.

Women and children are property of thier husbands and fathers.

Remember that.

With Love, Sister Thumper



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Default 09-21-2006, 12:16 AM
I still think thats pretty wrong, no offense to any of you.
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Default 09-21-2006, 12:58 AM
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I still think thats pretty wrong, no offense to any of you.
Don't worry about offending any of us. Worry about offending God Almighty, Who has the power and the right to drop-kick you into the lake of fire for all eternity. That's another thing that may be useful for you to remember.

This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance

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Default 09-22-2006, 09:27 PM
Deutoronomy 23:2

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Keep clear of him, as GOD commands.
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Default 09-22-2006, 09:34 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephania View Post
Deutoronomy 23:2

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Keep clear of him, as GOD commands.
No worries, I did. (I mentioned that verse in my first post btw)
And if it wasn't clear enough, then let me be the first to announce that I've aldready sold him and dropped him off at the Freehold compound.


Praise!

If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default 09-22-2006, 09:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephania View Post
Deutoronomy 23:2

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Keep clear of him, as GOD commands.
Excellent advice Friend. Let us recall the excellent example of Ellymae. She was a bastardess of the 10th generation so she followed The Lord's will as a good TRUE Christian™ and never defiled church with her presence. She lived her life faithfully and now burns hell as she justly must. PRAISE!


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Default 09-23-2006, 03:06 AM
I can't beileve all of you, selling a child? They ARE NOT property!
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Default 09-23-2006, 03:24 AM
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I can't beileve all of you, selling a child? They ARE NOT property!
My "son" is my own property, thank you very much.
I think I can judge what he is, and what he isn't better than you.

(Or so he was before I sold him, now he's Landovers property instead.)

If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default 09-23-2006, 03:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
I can't beileve all of you, selling a child? They ARE NOT property!
Then what are they? They aren't smart or mature enough to make their own decisions so they must be property.
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Pastor Al E Pistle Pastor Al E Pistle is offline
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Default 09-23-2006, 03:36 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
I can't beileve all of you, selling a child? They ARE NOT property!
Of course they are! Angelina Jolie just bought some more while she was in Africa. Trust me, if the price was right you and your sister would be married to an 80 year-old sheik in Yemen.

Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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Ixi Ixi is offline
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Ixi, have you done your homework yet?
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Default 09-23-2006, 03:38 AM
Yeah right! If that happened I would not submit to him, believe me I left a pretty nasty scar on my friends older brothers face when he was touching me.
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Default 09-23-2006, 03:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
Yeah right! If that happened I would not submit to him, believe me I left a pretty nasty scar on my friends older brothers face when he was touching me.
Why the anger?
Don't you know Jesus loves you and that it is HIS WILL that females and children are to be property?

Who are you to question HIS Godly Will?

If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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