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Arrow Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-14-2010, 02:16 AM

When: Saturday, January 30, 2009, Noon.
Where: East High School, Des Moines, Iowa

I am inviting everyone to come and volunteer or donate some money to our annual soup kitchen event we hold in Des Moines. This is an opportunity to be Christlike in our actions towards the most unfortunate individuals, as well as a prime chance to spread the Gospel and win new converts! Now, I know some of you may be reserved about dealing with the unsaved and people who haven't used toilet paper in 2 weeks, so you don't have to volunteer. You can donate towards the fund. Ten cents out of every dollar donated goes to help the homeless! Isn't that great?

We have a deal with the local Wal-Mart Supercenter and other grocers to generously donate over 2,500 cans of expired soup. They were going to throw it out anyways, but at least these soups are rescued from the trash and go down the stomachs of hungry homeless instead!

There was the incident last year where that crazy negro attempted to purse-snatch poor Sister Sue Vera's Louis Vuitton, so this year we are making a rule that negro and mexican homeless people will NOT be served. There has been some flack in the local press about how "racist" this is, but it's not about race it's about security. Homeless people are often violent, especially if they are negro or spic, and we can't take the chance of having murders or rapes happen.

I urge all my fellow True Christians™ to come down an volunteer. It's a very fun and safe experience. All volunteers will be personally escorted using one of the many Escalade limousines in the Church fleet down to East High School. Armed security will be provided, courtesy of Bobby-Joe. We do not expect our hard-working volunteers to have to eat disgusting expired soup, so we are hiring a personal catering company to come and serve up some delicious BBQ, cooked on the spot!

Like I said, we will take advantage of the opportunity to preach to these poor unfortunate souls. Here is a brief speaking itinerary.

  • At 1:00 pm Pastor Billy Reuben will be giving a sermon on why the homeless are starving because they lack faith in God as per Psalm 37:3.
  • At 1:30 Pastor Ezekiel will then discuss the widow in the book of Mark, who although dirt poor, tithed two mites to the church. He will then explain how even though they may have little money (from begging and such) that it's important to not withhold that money and donate it to Landover Baptist instead.
  • Finally at 2:00 pm, I discuss Proverbs 3:9-10 where I explain that God says those that tithe to the church will become rich. I aim to show them that donating what little they have is essentially an investment and they should give over what they have to us.

Collection plates will be passed around, but closely supervised to make sure none of them try to steal what is rightly the church's money.

So please, come one, come all, invite your friends, invite your neighbors! We as True Christians™ need to act like Jesus and I know Jesus would do this. We must help our unsaved homeless and bring them into the Light of the Savior.

YIC,

Rev. Jim Osborne



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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-14-2010, 10:29 AM

Reverend, I do hope only clean and neat homeless will be allowed this year. Last year when I was driving by this event, you could smell the filth all the way down at the Freehold Diner, Home of God's Famous Charbroil. It really bothered me and made my 32oz Rib Eye a disappointment. I ended up being hungry until dinner.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-14-2010, 11:45 AM

This is excellent news, Rev. Jim. Will you be hosting your hospitality suite at the Ramada again this year? As I recall, it's an awful good way of recruiting impressionable young women into your Bible study.


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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-14-2010, 02:57 PM

Rev. Osborne,

May Norah and I send in a additional donation for this along with our weekly tithe we mail in?

-ND
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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-14-2010, 06:12 PM

I have some 3 day old bread, some moldy cheese I can pick the mold off of and and some cans of tuna that expired in 2008 (but I'm sure they are still good) that I will bring down. When you are starving you can't be picky.

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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-14-2010, 06:47 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne View Post
When: Saturday, January 30, 2009, Noon.
Where: East High School, Des Moines, Iowa

I am inviting everyone to come and volunteer or donate some money to our annual soup kitchen event we hold in Des Moines.

There was the incident last year where that crazy negro attempted to purse-snatch poor Sister Sue Vera's Louis Vuitton, so this year we are making a rule that negro and mexican homeless people will NOT be served. There has been some flack in the local press about how "racist" this is, but it's not about race it's about security. Homeless people are often violent, especially if they are negro or spic, and we can't take the chance of having murders or rapes happen.

It's about time we started keeping the riff raff out of these soup kitchens.
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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-14-2010, 06:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne View Post
There was the incident last year where that crazy negro attempted to purse-snatch poor Sister Sue Vera's Louis Vuitton, so this year we are making a rule that negro and mexican homeless people will NOT be served. There has been some flack in the local press about how "racist" this is, but it's not about race it's about security. Homeless people are often violent, especially if they are negro or spic, and we can't take the chance of having murders or rapes happen.
The awful man is still trying to sue our Church because he claims he can't walk anymore. You all saw his scars when the Paramedics were treating him, it's was like that was that was first time he's been shot. The guy is totally faking it, like his cheesy line he couldn't pick with Security officer did because "we were all wearing hoods", please.



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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-14-2010, 08:11 PM

How can the unsaved trash consider this wonderful display of compassion and question our Christian love?


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-15-2010, 05:19 AM

It's only five hours from Rockford to DesMoines so count on me being there, Rev. Jim! I know you'll need volunteers and I will stand ready to dive into whatever service you ask of me. I've heard through the grapevine that you plan to have tables and chairs at this year's event and, with all due respect, I'd like to point out that folding chairs - or parts thereof - can easily become weapons and/or projectiles when homeless people become protective of their food in crowd situations. I thought the feedback on just using the floor last year was positive, especially for the cleanup, but I am at your service no matter what you decide. Does the DesMoines School District have any rules against volunteers being in possession of weapons of any kind, say like brass knuckles, nunchucks, pepper spray, etc.?
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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-15-2010, 05:27 AM

I'll be able to boil up some potatoes. I can commit to forty lbs. I'll throw in some salt and pepper and some butter. I may have to grab some cream from the coffee station, so buy extra.


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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-15-2010, 05:49 PM

I have a load of asparagus that did not make to market on time so I have a whole truck load of the stuff. Fortunately it has been cold so the smell is not bad yet. I can drop it off tonight if you want, give me a call on my cell, you have the number.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-15-2010, 08:21 PM

Dear Brother Rev. Osborne,
That is a wonderfully entertaining 501.C3 charitable thing you are doing with the bums.
Sister Verna is sending a truckload of special 'thickener' for you to add to the soup mix.
It has added Cadmium and Lead fer vitamins, and we got it pretty cheap.
{ps... please mail us the receipt for our accountant to get us off the deduction-hook, figure our donation is worth about $10,000}

My cousin-in-law ~Rev Lester Dill, holds a yearly charitable ball for our local vagrants.
Him, and the Kristian Krusader Klub folks, round up as many dead-beats, winos, and crack heads as they can catch; and drives them over to the Dill Plantation in covered grain trucks.
All the towns hi-society is in attendance when the bums is marched into the old horse arena.
The homeless section is well fenced off (electric fence 40K volts!!), appetizers are served (I luv the shrimp balls, and the sparkly wine), and then the bummies are each given a 2X4 and a trash can lid.
That part of the entertainment is called, and we all chant it: Two men enter-- one man leaves/// two men enter --one man leaves!!!.

Gosh, it it so much fun to bet on root for your favorite degenerate.
The survivors winners are then read Gospel over the loudspeakers and escorted with cattle prods into the serving area.
There, they enjoy an almost warm meal and are awarded bus tickets to Santa Monica, California (bum paradise!) and a lavish gift bag of 4 sheets of toilet paper, and a 1/2 bar of soap.
A final tall glass of wine is awarded to each remaining vagrant {we lace it real good with lotsa Ambien mixed with Zoloft so that the rummies enjoy their bus trip, and they get real compliant too!}

The whole crowd of socialites in attendance then revels in the feeling of having done a super good deed.
We all drive home knowing that our town is freer of lice than it was afore our charity ball. A gas soaked burning pits bonfire is held in remembrance of those trash pirates who lost the evenings competitions.

Rev Jeffrey Lebowski
Sister Verna Too {she is behind the couch, I think}
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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 01-16-2010, 12:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
I have some 3 day old bread, some moldy cheese I can pick the mold off of and and some cans of tuna that expired in 2008 (but I'm sure they are still good) that I will bring down. When you are starving you can't be picky. Helpful, Sister Thumper
I have a lot of really sharp business suits, etc., I used to wear when helping my late husband, the Rev. Daryl, do fundraising for his church. As I'm only wearing black now (still technically in mourning), I can't wear them any more.

These clothes would be excellent for those, like our homeless ladies, who will be going on job interviews or re-entering the workplace. All the clothes have dyed-to-match shoes, hats, and complimentary accessories, and I have each outfit in 4 different sizes (don't ask)

At first I thought I'd donate these outfits to the homeless...but most of the garments are custommade and handstitched, and so require dry cleaning. This upkeep would be an unneccesary burden to put on the poor, so I'm donating the clothes instead to the Ladies of Landover™, either to wear or use as quilting scraps.

See Polly in the church offices for more details.
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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 02-12-2010, 04:32 AM

It truly is a shame that more people do not know about the selfless benevolent work of Landover Baptist. But, then, quiet good deeds are truely GOOD!


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 02-12-2010, 05:37 AM

Thank you, Mr. Hold. We don't always like to "toot our own horn" around here, but I will say that though they may not be True Christians™, there are still millions and millions of Everday Christians across these United States that give just the same as we do (practically).

And let me congratulate you on your glorious and recent parole from the Quarantine Rehabilitation Unit! You're a lesson in the very flesh to all visitors here that someone can really pull themselves up closer to Jesus™ with just a little effort, and a willingness to take the True Christian™ hand that's offered in help.

PRAISE!
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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 02-12-2010, 02:39 PM

Thank you Mistress Cookie. And thanks to all the good folks who helped me. May the Godly work of Landover Baptist go forward!


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Come Support Landover's Annual Homeless Soup Kitchen! - 02-12-2010, 03:07 PM

Might a Lady volunteer be allowed to partake of all the soup she wishes?

I mean, just a little something to compensate one for possibly soiling her hands - and wasting her valuable time on the 'Home-less'
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