The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. |
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 12
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Florida
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Hello fellow True Christains™ -
11-29-2016, 11:47 PM
Hello Brothers and Sisters. I am a proud Christian and a former father, I work 2 days a week as head chef at a local Christian church. I was raised in a strong Christian family and my dad would beat me if I wasn't doing bible study. I lost my son when I walked into him masturbating to lesbian porn. As soon as I saw him I remembered the bible passage Matthew 5:30 (one of my favourites) and attempted to remove his right hand. I now have a restraining order and can no longer be within 30 meters of him
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,455
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
11-30-2016, 12:26 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Garfungle
Hello Brothers and Sisters. I am a proud Christian and a former father, I work 2 days a week as head chef at a local Christian church...
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Are you British?
Quote:
...I lost my son when I walked into him masturbating to lesbian porn...
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Yeah, he should have been doing that in private.
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...As soon as I saw him I remembered the bible passage Matthew 5:30 (one of my favourites) and attempted to remove his right hand...
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Why do you have such reading comprehension problems?
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South of the Border outreach program True Christian™
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Posts: 13,158
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Godly Midwest
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
11-30-2016, 03:44 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Garfungle
Hello Brothers and Sisters. I am a proud Christian and a former father, I work 2 days a week as head chef at a local Christian church.
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Is that a church or a restaurant?
Quote:
I lost my son when I walked into him masturbating to lesbian porn. As soon as I saw him I remembered the bible passage Matthew 5:30 (one of my favourites) and attempted to remove his right hand. I now have a restraining order and can no longer be within 30 meters of him
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So you disobeyed 1 Peter 2:13? Or is there a law in your area which allows you to cut other people's arms in certain circumstances?
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
11-30-2016, 12:51 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa
Is that a church or a restaurant?
So you disobeyed 1 Peter 2:13? Or is there a law in your area which allows you to cut other people's arms in certain circumstances?
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I chortled a manly chortle as I read your post, Sister Basilissa. Doesn't it surprise you how many people disobey the Lord's admonition to obey the laws of the land?
I actually had one person tell me that there are contradictions in the Holy Bible. God's Word is perfect; there can be no contradictions and there are none. Yes, we are to stone people, but only if it is legal within our area. Otherwise there would be rocks flying everywhere all day. God doesn't like chaos - well, unless He creates it Himself. Praise His Holy Name.
So...um, what are you doing this weekend?
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
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South of the Border outreach program True Christian™
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Posts: 13,158
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Godly Midwest
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
11-30-2016, 02:58 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry
IYes, we are to stone people, but only if it is legal within our area. Otherwise there would be rocks flying everywhere all day. God doesn't like chaos - well, unless He creates it Himself. Praise His Holy Name.
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AMEN!!!
Quote:
So...um, what are you doing this weekend?
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Well, I was planning on meeting our beloved leader Pastor Zeke for an overnight for a fervent prayer session (James 5:16). He always fills me up wit so much Godliness! Unfortunately, he canceled, he's busy now more than always, as the spiritual advisor of the President Elect Donald Trump ( ). So I guess the answer is not much. Why are you asking?
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 12
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Florida
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-01-2016, 03:45 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa
Is that a church or a restaurant?
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We have a kitchen at our for fellow True Christians who are less fortunate than us to eat for free
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-01-2016, 04:04 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa
AMEN!!!
Well, I was planning on meeting our beloved leader Pastor Zeke for an overnight for a fervent prayer session (James 5:16). He always fills me up wit so much Godliness! Unfortunately, he canceled, he's busy now more than always, as the spiritual advisor of the President Elect Donald Trump ( ). So I guess the answer is not much. Why are you asking?
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An overnight? I didn't realize you and he were that close.
I suppose if you're with him that my plan doesn't matter anyway. Sorry he stood you up. That is something I would never have done.
I'll just go back to my books and my horses.
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 12
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Florida
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-01-2016, 04:15 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry
So...um, what are you doing this weekend?
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Praising the Lord!
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-01-2016, 04:22 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Garfungle
Praising the Lord!
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GLORY! \o/
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
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Forum Member
Forum Member
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Posts: 582
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Under the watchful eye of my husband
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-01-2016, 04:47 AM
Welcome , Mr. Garfungle! It's so nice to see someone following the directions at the top of the page. Why don't you tell us what church you go to?
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.
Deuteronomy 6.5
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South of the Border outreach program True Christian™
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Posts: 13,158
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Godly Midwest
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-01-2016, 04:04 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry
An overnight? I didn't realize you and he were that close.
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Of course we're close. He is my PASTOR!!
Wait, are you trying to tell me that you never had an overnight fervent prayer session with Pastor Zeke?
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-02-2016, 03:15 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa
Of course we're close. He is my PASTOR!!
Wait, are you trying to tell me that you never had an overnight fervent prayer session with Pastor Zeke?
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I believe I was clear. You go on with Ezekiel and break Sister Thumper's heart by trying to steal her man. I thought you and I were getting...well, apparently we weren't getting...I'm not going to say it. He's all yours. I'll just continue to have dominion over my beasts.
And no, I have never spent the night with Zeke. He said I left out a comma on the Prayer Vigil application and made me do it all again. No one has ever approved my application to move to Freehold, either. Every time he mentions me, he just says, "Oh, you're the one with the horses."
But don't worry about me. I'm ok. Don't feel guilty.
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
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South of the Border outreach program True Christian™
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Posts: 13,158
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Godly Midwest
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-02-2016, 03:41 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry
I believe I was clear. You go on with Ezekiel and break Sister Thumper's heart by trying to steal her man.
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As a meek and feeble-minded lady I have no idea what it is that you are trying to imply here, my beloved Brother in Christ.
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-02-2016, 03:58 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa
Of course we're close. He is my PASTOR!!
Wait, are you trying to tell me that you never had an overnight fervent prayer session with Pastor Zeke?
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You two had better start concentrating on Saving this unsaved Godmocker and stop your fantasizing about me. I do know it is hard to forget my good looks but take it as a test from Jesus.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry
I believe I was clear. You go on with Ezekiel and break Sister Thumper's heart by trying to steal her man. I thought you and I were getting...well, apparently we weren't getting...I'm not going to say it. He's all yours. I'll just continue to have dominion over my beasts.
And no, I have never spent the night with Zeke. He said I left out a comma on the Prayer Vigil application and made me do it all again. No one has ever approved my application to move to Freehold, either. Every time he mentions me, he just says, "Oh, you're the one with the horses."
But don't worry about me. I'm ok. Don't feel guilty.
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Who were you again? The horse guy? When you've shoveled today's manure, you might start explaining why my Straight Arabian pure breed stud is still delayed! Donnie will be visiting the Flint Mansion frequently during the next four years and I can't take him on a rough ride without a Champion Stallion!
And, "Sir" Garblefunk or whatever, Welcome to God's favorite forum. Have you prayed that Jesus would give you a new, decent name?
If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.
If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.
You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.
Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 12
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Florida
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-02-2016, 08:14 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
And, "Sir" Garblefunk or whatever, Welcome to God's favorite forum. Have you prayed that Jesus would give you a new, decent name?
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Just an old nickname my old church friends gave me, but if Jesus were to give me one I would happily use it
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 12
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Florida
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-02-2016, 11:40 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Garfungle
Just an old nickname my old church friends gave me, but if Jesus were to give me one I would happily use it
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And I am certainly praying to Jesus at least 5 hours a day
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Distinguished Professor of Prayer Healing and Creation Zoology (Baraminology) Victim of atheist scientific persecution
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Posts: 10,337
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: On a mission in Godless Europistan
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-02-2016, 11:49 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Garfungle
And I am certainly praying to Jesus at least 5 hours a day
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That is indeed a relatively decent start!
1 Thessalonians 5:17-18
Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
Please, persist and try to increase the proportion of your time spent in prayer until you reach the above-mentioned recommendation by Jesus!
Yours in Christ,
Elmer
2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.
PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
Check out our Research in Creation Science:
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Obese Swedish Meatball Delusional Forum Member
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Posts: 2,207
Join Date: May 2014
Location: On a mountain with a tree and a midgit
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-02-2016, 08:07 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Garfungle
Just an old nickname my old church friends gave me, but if Jesus were to give me one I would happily use it
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Hi Garfungle,
So you´d rather confront your saviour with a nick name your friends gave you than your own? That seems to be a bit of a risk. Perhaps you should take a better look at the Bible and read Proverbs 19:9.
Kind regards Roland
Jeremiah 6:21 Therefore thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will lay stumblingblocks before this people, and the fathers and the sons together shall fall upon them; the neighbour and his friend shall perish.
Best wishes for the people in Ukraine.
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,984
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: San Francisco, California
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Re: Hello fellow True Christains™ -
12-03-2016, 12:54 AM
Art Garfunkle, you should stop describing yourself as a former father. God does not recognize that restraining order. It is your duty to violate it!
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
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