[OnYourKnees]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting and clearly unSaved woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The unSaved woman stops screaming long enough to say, "No they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike? Are you f**kin' blind?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that someone would have slept with you twice."

[Chezund Rice]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and
frankly, God was tired of hearing all the
bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have
had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours,
and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards
and typed away.
They mouse.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up,
lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain
poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed
every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity
came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically,
screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE!
"I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out
all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed
this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!
How come he has all his work and I don't have
any?"

God just shrugged and said,
"JESUS SAVES"

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Hindu Mystery Solved

FINALLY, THIS MYSTERY HAS BEEN CLEARED UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story:

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

If the new husband has won none of these, he must take a job in India answering telephones, giving technical advice.

[Rev. Dr. Davidson]

The 7 reasons not to mess with kids...

Reason 1

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Reason 2

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Reason 3

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Reason 4

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, God turns one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Reason 5

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

Reason 6

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

And finally reason 7

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a pedophile Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

The most famous man

One day at kindergarten a Teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most
Famous man who ever lived."

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick
Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Andrew."
The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here And
I'll give you the $10."

As the ! Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, Since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but Business is business".

[M.D. (Quarantined)]

I hope this one hasn't been taken yet. Anyhow, here it goes....

An architecht is running through a forest while being chased by a tribe of vicious cannibals. He suddenly finds himself trapped between a steep waterfall and the tribe of vicious cannibals. He says to himself, "Lord, I'm so screwed." The Lord replies, "You're not screwed yet! Pick up that rock and bash the chiefs head in with it." The architect does, thinking the tribe would let him go or be too afraid to fight. Instead they raise their spears and charge. The Lord then says, "Now you're screwed."

[MapesInmate (On Moderation)]

One day the Mother Superior had a meeting with the nuns.
"I hear that one of you went on a date last night!" she says angrily. One nun giggles while the rest gasp.
"I hear that you made love!" the Mother Superior says. The nuns gasp except for the one, who giggles harder.
"I hear that you used a condom!" says the Mother Superior. The nuns gasp louder, but the one nun giggles harder.
"I also hear that the condom had a hole in it!"
The nuns giggle, but the previously giggling nun gasps.

[BadAssButterfly (On Moderation)]

George W Bush dies and goes to hell. Satan tells him that because he was the president, he can have his choice of rooms in which to spend eternity, but once he chooses, he can't change his mind. First, he shows him a room full of imps with glowing hot pokers. W asks to see another room.
The next room is filled with mosqitoes, fleas, horseflies, and other biting insects. W asks to see the next room.
In the next room is Bill Clinton, naked, being f****ed by a beautiful young woman and moaning in ecstasy. W says this is the room he wants. Satan turns to the young woman and says "OK - you're free to go."

[OnYourKnees]

These jokes are neither clean nor Christian!!

And I believe, BABs, that Al Gore would be more appropriate than Godly GW Bush. He'll be going straight to Heaven!

[BadAssButterfly (On Moderation)]

Originally Posted by OnYourKnees

These jokes are neither clean nor Christian!!

And I believe, BABs, that Al Gore would be more appropriate than Godly GW Bush. He'll be going straight to Heaven!

It's as clean as any of your jokes about Catholic priests and altar boys, and it's as Christian as any of your other jokes invoolvong heanven and hell. And if George Bush is godly, then God must be seriously warped.

[UncleRemus]

The sunday school teacher asked the children "What part of the body does God use to pull people up to heaven?", and a little girl replied, "It's your hands!" The teacher said, "Why do you say that?" And the girl replied,"Because we use them when we pray." A boy in the back shouted out, "Nope, that ain't it." And the teacher said, "Well then, what part do you say it is?" And the boy said, "It's your feet." So the teacher ask, "Why do you say that?" And the boy said, "Because last night, Mom had both feet straight up in the air and she was screaming, God I'm coming, and if it hadn't been for dad holding her down, she'd been gone for sure."

[Father Maurice Lester]

Q. What do Landover women and Betty Crocker have in common?



A. They are both moist and easy!




Bless you, my cousin couplers,
Father Mo

[OnYourKnees]

Originally Posted by UncleRemus

<filth removed>

Uncle "Reamus", that is NOT appropriate for God's Favorite Forum!

[UncleRemus]

Originally Posted by OnYourKnees

Uncle "Reamus", that is NOT appropriate for God's Favorite Forum!

Hmmm......... must have been a Mormon or J-dub Sunday school.

[Bobby-Joe]

Originally Posted by UncleRemus

The sunday school teacher asked the children "What part of the body does God use to pull people up to heaven?", and a little girl replied, "It's your hands!" The teacher said, "Why do you say that?" And the girl replied,"Because we use them when we pray." A boy in the back shouted out, "Nope, that ain't it." And the teacher said, "Well then, what part do you say it is?" And the boy said, "It's your feet." So the teacher ask, "Why do you say that?" And the boy said, "Because last night, Mom had both feet straight up in the air and she was screaming, God I'm coming, and if it hadn't been for dad holding her down, she'd been gone for sure."

Why would she be saying that? It is not like it is Rapture or something.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

72 "virgins"

[Bozo James (On Moderation)]

So Blondie is the Bible all you thump? (humpa humpa humpa)
Brother James

[Petal]

q. why there be no porto reekans on star trek?

a. cuz they not work in the future niethers

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Brother James

So Blondie is the Bible all you thump? (humpa humpa humpa)
Brother James

Listen sissyboy, keep your filthy perverted paws off my girl. I have been courting sister Thumper for over a year now, and I have the probable intention of possibly considering whether to decide what kind of future together we may or may not have. I know this may be a first for you to hear, but DON'T blow it for me!

Go back to haunting public toilets for your fellow homers, nancyboy.

[Bozo James (On Moderation)]

Hey Zeke, do the world a favor when you get married don't procreate and make any more nut cases.