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Default Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-05-2013, 12:09 PM

Brethren, sistren, as you all know, I am a True Christian™, and as such, am no racist. In fact, I am so tolerant of the lesser races, that I have made a commitment to actually BECOME BLACK FOR ONE WEEK.

I know, I know. You are thinking, "Billy Bob has made us all look bad by being EVEN LESS racist than the rest of us." But I promise, the enlightened reputation that I will receive as being the least racist person ever is a glory that all True Christians™ will be able to share.

How will I empower the rest of the True Christian™ community to be as unracist as I have become? By recording my experiences as a black male in this thread for you all to read. Then, we will all know exactly what it is like to be an authentic coon, and nobody will ever be able to accuse us of racism again, just for being white!

For the glory of Jesus Christ I have put black shoe polish all over my face, and learned to speak jive. I have eaten blueberries so that my gums are stained purple, and donned a velcro wig. I got yellow, jaundiced contact lenses, and put cotton balls in my mouth so that my lower lip is severely pronounced. The cotton balls also serve the dual purpose of making it difficult to articulate anything. I usually give up after the first syllable of any word, and wind up mumbling the last part, just like a negro. I also skipped showering today, bought some fake gold, and memorized an erroneous multiplication table last night, to make me seem completely "ignant". If anyone asks me what the square root of one hundred is, I will respond with "157.9". This will put the nail in the coffin of any special treatment or white privilege, giving me a complete and total understanding of what it is like to be black in this society.

While walking around in a predominantly black neighborhood this morning, I was viciously attacked by a gang of self-loathing jigs. Apparently, my black impersonation was so good, that they hated me even more than they ordinarily hate eachother. I type this from a hospital bed, afflicted with multiple stab wounds, making me a pariah for the black race of Malcolm X-like proportions.

I am sure, once word gets around the black community that there is a white man as unracist as I am, race relations in this country will be healed, and I will be remembered as a civil rights leader a billion times greater than that boy Martin Luther King Jr. The black community is going to worship me, and start voting Republican as a result of my sage advisement. They may even stop their pie thievery and white woman raping, being touched by the kindness in my heart, and the knowledge that white people are actually less racist than black people.

If anyone can suggest any black activities that will not get me damned, please feel free to chime in below.


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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-05-2013, 12:41 PM

Bro, you done put me to shame!

I hope you're out of the hospital soon. If you could get some of those baggy clothes they wear, maybe there'd be room for a stab vest underneath?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
If anyone can suggest any black activities that will not get me damned, please feel free to chime in below.
This is a problem, isn't it - most things are either unGodly (like twerking ) or illegal (like drug-dealing). I see no benefit in getting yourself arrested, except for the experience of sharing a cell and having to spend the night with your back to the wall to avoid unwanted attention.

Are there any cotton fields nearby? Is it even the cotton-picking season? How about going on welfare?

I wish you all the best,
YiC
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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-05-2013, 02:31 PM

I read a book once called, "Black Like Me", which was written by a white man who pretended to be a negroe.

He took some pills that made him sensitive to the sun and then got a good tan, a short haircut and a porkpie hat. Then he rode around on busses and ate soul food.

You could try that.

Note: Try the ribs, if you get a chance. Negroes are good at rib cooking.


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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-05-2013, 05:42 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
Brethren, sistren, as you all know, I am a True Christian™, and as such, am no racist. In fact, I am so tolerant of the lesser races, that I have made a commitment to actually BECOME BLACK FOR ONE WEEK.

I know, I know. You are thinking, "Billy Bob has made us all look bad by being EVEN LESS racist than the rest of us." But I promise, the enlightened reputation that I will receive as being the least racist person ever is a glory that all True Christians™ will be able to share.

How will I empower the rest of the True Christian™ community to be as unracist as I have become? By recording my experiences as a black male in this thread for you all to read. Then, we will all know exactly what it is like to be an authentic coon, and nobody will ever be able to accuse us of racism again, just for being white!

For the glory of Jesus Christ I have put black shoe polish all over my face, and learned to speak jive. I have eaten blueberries so that my gums are stained purple, and donned a velcro wig. I got yellow, jaundiced contact lenses, and put cotton balls in my mouth so that my lower lip is severely pronounced. The cotton balls also serve the dual purpose of making it difficult to articulate anything. I usually give up after the first syllable of any word, and wind up mumbling the last part, just like a negro. I also skipped showering today, bought some fake gold, and memorized an erroneous multiplication table last night, to make me seem completely "ignant". If anyone asks me what the square root of one hundred is, I will respond with "157.9". This will put the nail in the coffin of any special treatment or white privilege, giving me a complete and total understanding of what it is like to be black in this society.

While walking around in a predominantly black neighborhood this morning, I was viciously attacked by a gang of self-loathing jigs. Apparently, my black impersonation was so good, that they hated me even more than they ordinarily hate eachother. I type this from a hospital bed, afflicted with multiple stab wounds, making me a pariah for the black race of Malcolm X-like proportions.

I am sure, once word gets around the black community that there is a white man as unracist as I am, race relations in this country will be healed, and I will be remembered as a civil rights leader a billion times greater than that boy Martin Luther King Jr. The black community is going to worship me, and start voting Republican as a result of my sage advisement. They may even stop their pie thievery and white woman raping, being touched by the kindness in my heart, and the knowledge that white people are actually less racist than black people.

If anyone can suggest any black activities that will not get me damned, please feel free to chime in below.
Billy Bob, my bro:

"You be da man!" This undertaking shows even more of the reasons why you have been Family Man of the Year and will likely win in 2014. This is an effort that will bring informative and vital lessons for the superior races and perhaps build tolerance for the lesser ones (except the Bollywood crowd; I can't endure the shrill singing and stupid dancing).

Don't forget obvious activities like pick-up basketball games. While grocery shopping, inquire about how to choose the best watermelon. If you can endure it, attend a church service at Ebenezer Baptist or at any church where the hats are big and the fans are flapping. Going to a black church at Easter is an experience in haberdashery and learning how to say things like "Lawd Jesus be praised," "Thankee Jeeeeeeeeesus!" and "Oh lawd oh lawd oh lawd," ad nauseum. Be cautious about the offering plate. It would probably help you fit in if you take a few dollars out of the plate as you drop some change in, lest others suspect you to be out of place.

I have a new level of respect for you, man. Let's go chop down some trees together one of these days. I'll even get a flannel shirt for the occasion.

Ya know what? I might even do what you're doing someday - perhaps I'll pretend to be French! Or messican. Or a French messican! The possibilities are endless. Now, you go be the best nigra you can, and I'll see you at the barbecue sto'.

Brother Larry
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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-05-2013, 06:36 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
If anyone can suggest any black activities that will not get me damned, please feel free to chime in below.
Brother Jenkins, your heart is just so large and charitable, I can scarce fathom it! Perhaps you would win over their paranoid hearts by opening up some public entertainment. Here is a popular pastime for the negro family:






Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-05-2013, 06:44 PM

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Originally Posted by Brother Larry View Post
Ya know what? I might even do what you're doing someday - perhaps I'll pretend to be French!
Brother Larry, a joke's a joke, but please don't say that, even in jest.

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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-05-2013, 07:06 PM

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Originally Posted by Attila's Wife View Post
Brother Larry, a joke's a joke, but please don't say that, even in jest.

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My dear Sister,

Your chastisement has fallen on open ears, and a sorrowful heart. The French are nothing to joke about or even bring up in this forum, except in Christian condemnation. Will you find it in your heart to once again forgive the ramblings of a struggling man in search of the truth of JESUS?

I am increasing my tithe from 40% to 60% by lowering the amount I spend on entertainment. Obviously, it needs to be spent on JESUS, not mindless meanderings.

In Christian Love,
Brother Larry
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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-05-2013, 07:25 PM

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Originally Posted by Brother Larry View Post
Will you find it in your heart to once again forgive the ramblings of a struggling man in search of the truth of JESUS?
Of course, though it is not up to me to forgive you. It is between you and Our Lord. I hope that his intermediary, Pastor Zeke; may intervene on your behalf.

I wish you well in your struggle for Salvation.

YiC
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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-05-2013, 11:48 PM

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Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post

If anyone can suggest any black activities that will not get me damned, please feel free to chime in below.
This should not be hard. The thing negros do most is nothing. They do nothing all the time. The other negros beat you up because by walking down the street you were being too productive. What you should have done is get one of those sack drinks they always have (must be a cheap kind of juice box) and just sit somewhere. You should also not do this alone, the negro is a social creature. You may need several of us to form a gang.


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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-05-2013, 11:56 PM

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Originally Posted by Godfly View Post
This should not be hard. The thing negros do most is nothing. They do nothing all the time. The other negros beat you up because by walking down the street you were being too productive. What you should have done is get one of those sack drinks they always have (must be a cheap kind of juice box) and just sit somewhere. You should also not do this alone, the negro is a social creature. You may need several of us to form a gang.
Brother this is an excellent idea! I am on my way to the corner store now. When I get there I am going to inquire into this paper bag beverage and buy you some shoe polish so that you can join me in my quest to win the hearts and minds of the black race for the protection of pies and white women everywhere.

Hopefully once black people everywhere learn of our unracist ways, they will stop voting for African Muslim spies, and go back to business as usual: burning down their own neighborhoods, overdosing, and shooting eachother in the streets. God be praised!

Who else will join me?


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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-06-2013, 12:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
Who else will join me?
I think this could be nice opportunity to bring communities together. I know how much you hate anal sex of all color, so I can't think anyone less racist than you to make this work. If you think I can be of any use, I will try my best to help you. I already started to learn how to speak jive by watching educational movies.

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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-06-2013, 12:17 AM

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Originally Posted by Alphonse Alban View Post
I know how much you hate anal sex of all color, so I can't think anyone less racist than you to make this work.
Brother, my face is covered in shoe polish. I am not only completely racism free; I AM BLACK MYSELF!

I am thankful to have you in Godfly's and my gang. Perhaps we can preach the Word of God to other negros, or is that too white?


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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-06-2013, 01:29 AM

We need to learn some negro phrases like "feets don't fail me now!" and "what you talkin about Willis?"


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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-06-2013, 01:42 AM

When you look in history the blacks in africa actually fought with the nazis against the french. That basically proofes that negroes are racist.
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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-06-2013, 04:04 AM

What you talkin bout Titis?

Don't call the police, it's just me, Godfly.


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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-06-2013, 02:28 PM

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Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
Perhaps we can preach the Word of God to other negros, or is that too white?
As those negroes are all the time singing, hippity hopping and doing the jig so maybe we could spread the gospel in a form of music that is more familiar for them. That way we could also blend in even faster.



By the way, have you given any though for the name of the gang yet?
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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-06-2013, 04:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Titus Templeton View Post
When you look in history the blacks in africa actually fought with the nazis against the french. That basically proofes that negroes are racist.
To be fair, though, what were they supposed to do? Fight on the side of the French? They were caught between a rock and a hard place.


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Default Re: Proof I am not a Racist! - 10-06-2013, 05:25 PM

I am no racist. If I were, I would not allow so many of the mongrels work my farm, many for generation after generation. I promise a lifetime of work every day and a place to lay down every night. Time on Sunday to thank God for the temporary gift of life.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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