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Focus on Family - Christian Parenting A place where parents can get good Godly advice on how to raise a family: how to properly administer corporal punishment, which movies to avoid, and more!

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Default Happy Mother's Day! - 05-13-2018, 06:43 AM

Remember, a Good Child is a Disciplined Child!

I tell my children every time they disobey me, they make Baby Jesus have diarrhea. They work very hard not to bring Him Pain and Suffering. As well they should.




Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Jesus' eternal love Re: Happy Mother's Day! - 05-13-2018, 07:12 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Remember, a Good Child is a Disciplined Child!

I tell my children every time they disobey me, they make Baby Jesus have diarrhea. They work very hard not to bring Him Pain and Suffering. As well they should.
I have always honored my sorry excuse of a mother (who is still practicing harlotry at the age of fourscore+). I've never cursed her despite the powerful cravings to do so.

Matthew 15:4
For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death.

That said, I certainly obey Jesus and hate her with all my soul in order to be presentable to Jesus Christ when the day comes (very soon; Revelation 22:20) and I stand before Him ready to taken into His Loving Embrace!

Luke 14:26
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

I've done my utmost to give my children the best possible prognosis in life and I am proud to tell you that they, also, hate my guts but they do honor me. That is the least I could do for them! My life here on Earth sucks big time, just as it should!






Yours in Christ,

Elmer


2 Kings 18:25 Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



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Default Re: Happy Mother's Day! - 05-13-2018, 09:11 AM

In spite of the ups and downs and loss of life over the past year, I think I'm still a great mom!

Its a day where I'm expected, I suppose, to lie about in bed waiting for my brats to serve me whatever slop they can come up with because it makes them feel good. I pray they don't overcook my steak and slather my toast in Shmuckers. I'll make a point to dispose of it in the fireplace after. (Leviticus 8:32)


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Default Re: Happy Mother's Day! - 05-13-2018, 03:31 PM

My mother is a testament to True Christian™ values and she was the principal inspiration for my sermon “Pregnancy through rape is a gift from God”

Thank you mother for overlooking that Dad violently raped you. Thank you for adhering to your Christian values and marrying him and giving birth to me. Dad never seemed very happy but on his death bed he whispered I was worth half the shekels he had to pay. Coming from him, that meant a lot
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Default Re: Happy Mother's Day! - 05-13-2018, 08:19 PM

My mother went to mass today and received an orchid from the church. She said she lit a candle on my behalf that she says will remain lit until I return to the true faith - catholicism.


All I can say is that wick is gonna burn waaaaaay down, because I'm not giving up on my Savior or my future home in Heaven.


Mother also said she won a Wandering Jew plant in a drawing after mass. She had to put her name and at least ten dollars in a jar. Sounds to me as though she bought the plant. Proceeds are to go toward the priest's new car fund.


<shaking my handsome head>


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Happy Mother's Day! - 05-14-2018, 12:17 AM

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Originally Posted by John Creeser View Post
Dad never seemed very happy but on his death bed he whispered I was worth half the shekels he had to pay. Coming from him, that meant a lot
What a beautiful sentiment! I can't imagine a more loving statement to tell your son!
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