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Default The trouble with Mildrew - 05-18-2018, 06:51 PM

Hello Brothers and Sisters, I come with you with more pressing news in the Moans household.

As you know me, I am a dedicated Christian, American mom (in that order) and the proud incubator of sixteen (minus six) soldiers for Jesus®.

Recently, I've been having increased trouble with one of my more difficult brats; Mildrew. There's always been something odd about that boy, and unfortunately, with the recent accident that had befallen my husband and two eldest sons, there is no more exemplary male role models about to help beat mold impressionable young Mildrew into an upstanding Christian man.


Now things have taken an increased turn for the worse when Mildrew came up to me this morning and voiced his discontentment over the snipped state of his manhood.

I quote, in his whiny, coy voice:

"Mom, if I have mutilated genitals, I might as well have none at all! I WANT to be a WOMAN!"


Well, I was in state of shock. I resisted the tempted urge to faint at hearing that sort of sick blather spewed from his lips, and forced myself to grab the emergency kitchen Bible from the counter drawer. I began beating him as hard as I could, but all he did was wiggle and moan:

"Ooh! Ooh! Yes, smack me harder Mom! Smack me as hard as Daddy does!"

Then he emitted a demonic giggle I still hear ringing through my head. Right now, I've requested a few handy neighbors to come over and restrain him, and keep him away from any scissors in case he gets any ideas!


THE MOANS CHILDREN Adelaide Eunice Rush Crusher(FISHING ACCIDENT) Truth Lloyd Mildrew Angina (DIED IN A FIRE) Scooter Bud Carson Bobby (DIED IN A FIRE) Modesty(SLAIN BY A BULLET) Boomhauer Donald Grenadine Lysol(SUCKED BY A TORNADO)
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Rebuke Re: The trouble with Mildrew - 05-18-2018, 08:21 PM

Sister Dolli,


I felt pain as I read your post, but I have to be honest. What sins are YOU committing to cause little Mildy to act this way? The only hope for your son is if you confess the wrongdoing that is causing the LORD to smite your house in this fashion.


There is a brother here who had a son who is now his daughter. Perhaps he can give you some personalized advice; however, his acceptance of his son's problem was not loving and caring. Instead, he pretty much shut himself off from the poor child.


In the meantime, however, I suggest you do some very thorough soul searching because all indications seem to be that this is your fault.


Fall on your knees, Woman! Reason together with the Lord, that your house might be healed.


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: The trouble with Mildrew - 05-18-2018, 09:10 PM

Dear Dolli,

I did not read your whole post because I'm quite busy today, but to answer the question posed in the title of your thread: if you want to get rid of mildew, air conditioning helps. If this were winter, I'd also suggest placing electric heaters in the affected area. Dry air will take care of your mildew trouble.
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Default Re: The trouble with Mildrew - 05-19-2018, 12:07 AM

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Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
Sister Dolli,


I felt pain as I read your post, but I have to be honest. What sins are YOU committing to cause little Mildy to act this way? The only hope for your son is if you confess the wrongdoing that is causing the LORD to smite your house in this fashion.


There is a brother here who had a son who is now his daughter. Perhaps he can give you some personalized advice; however, his acceptance of his son's problem was not loving and caring. Instead, he pretty much shut himself off from the poor child.


In the meantime, however, I suggest you do some very thorough soul searching because all indications seem to be that this is your fault.


Fall on your knees, Woman! Reason together with the Lord, that your house might be healed.

Brother Larry, as usual you are the beacon of reason shedding light into all matters - including this one.

You are right, the fault must lie with me for willfully accepting marriage to a deranged homosexual pervert like Mr. Moans. You see, his recent death was proof that he was not in Jesus' favor after all, and that my supicions of his deviant activity were verified. Paster Zeke has veritably diagnosed him as a sinner at time of death and therefore currently in Hell.

Therefore, its no surprised his corrupted seed moved through my baby-chamber polluting the output, least of all unscathed; Mildrew.

As homosexuality is proven to be a choice, I believe Mildrew might have stood a chance if my deceased husband hasn't inflicted his style of perversion onto his developing mind and made him want to make similar, unsavory choices that make Baby Jesus weep.


It's here I request what would be the proper route of action. My husband is gone, but all my children fathered by him are all likely tainted. I need to consult the Bible for rules for the recently widowed, for it may be needed to seek out a new rich, upstanding Christian husband who will correct the sin out of my offspring once and for all.


THE MOANS CHILDREN Adelaide Eunice Rush Crusher(FISHING ACCIDENT) Truth Lloyd Mildrew Angina (DIED IN A FIRE) Scooter Bud Carson Bobby (DIED IN A FIRE) Modesty(SLAIN BY A BULLET) Boomhauer Donald Grenadine Lysol(SUCKED BY A TORNADO)
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Default Re: The trouble with Mildrew - 05-19-2018, 12:31 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Dear Dolli,

I did not read your whole post because I'm quite busy today, but to answer the question posed in the title of your thread: if you want to get rid of mildew, air conditioning helps. If this were winter, I'd also suggest placing electric heaters in the affected area. Dry air will take care of your mildew trouble.

Sister, I appreciate your help as always, but I'm unclear how it relates to the concern at hand. Are you suggesting Mildrew's homosexual behavior is being influenced by mildew build up in our house?


THE MOANS CHILDREN Adelaide Eunice Rush Crusher(FISHING ACCIDENT) Truth Lloyd Mildrew Angina (DIED IN A FIRE) Scooter Bud Carson Bobby (DIED IN A FIRE) Modesty(SLAIN BY A BULLET) Boomhauer Donald Grenadine Lysol(SUCKED BY A TORNADO)
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Default Re: The trouble with Mildrew - 05-19-2018, 04:57 AM

Dear Sister Dolli,

Brother Larry is quite correct, I do have a son who is now my daughter. I tried repeated homer aversion therapy to no avail. I tried so very hard to bring him back from the brink but was thwarted every time. Therefore I cast him aside. Just as God tells us to do,


Revelation 12:9
And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.



Satan was one of Gods' children and he was Cast Out of Heaven for his transgressions against God. My boy transgressed against the Word and Instruction given to us by God in the Holy Bible (KJV 1611) so I cast him out.


He's quite happily living in Godless New York now. Just because I cast him aside doesn't mean I don't know what he's up to, Larry.


Take heart and be strong and if God wills it the gay will fall from his back and he will be normal again.


I hope this helps.


YIC
TT


Isaiah 66:15

For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.
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Default Re: The trouble with Mildrew - 05-19-2018, 07:47 PM

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Originally Posted by Thomas Taylor View Post
Dear Sister Dolli,

Brother Larry is quite correct, I do have a son who is now my daughter. I tried repeated homer aversion therapy to no avail. I tried so very hard to bring him back from the brink but was thwarted every time. Therefore I cast him aside. Just as God tells us to do,


Revelation 12:9
And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.



Satan was one of Gods' children and he was Cast Out of Heaven for his transgressions against God. My boy transgressed against the Word and Instruction given to us by God in the Holy Bible (KJV 1611) so I cast him out.


He's quite happily living in Godless New York now. Just because I cast him aside doesn't mean I don't know what he's up to, Larry.


Take heart and be strong and if God wills it the gay will fall from his back and he will be normal again.


I hope this helps.


YIC
TT

"Brother" Thomas,


Your daughter is living in Canada, actually, so apparently you don't know as much as I do - being a True Christian(TM and all, it's only natural my knowledge is superior to yours. I do pray for you now and then; usually I'm too busy praying with homers.


All the tragedies that befell you during your annus horribilus have taken their toll, I'm sure. I feel blessed that I was there for you 24/7. If only your dedication to the LORD was stronger, perhaps we could have been friends forever.


Sister Dolli, I hope that Tom is able to share tips with you for dealing with the rest of your children. You seem to have similar methods already.


In Christ's Holy Name,
BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: The trouble with Mildrew - 05-21-2018, 06:42 AM

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Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
"Brother" Thomas,


Your daughter is living in Canada, actually, so apparently you don't know as much as I do - being a True Christian(TM and all, it's only natural my knowledge is superior to yours. I do pray for you now and then; usually I'm too busy praying with homers.


All the tragedies that befell you during your annus horribilus have taken their toll, I'm sure. I feel blessed that I was there for you 24/7. If only your dedication to the LORD was stronger, perhaps we could have been friends forever.


Sister Dolli, I hope that Tom is able to share tips with you for dealing with the rest of your children. You seem to have similar methods already.


In Christ's Holy Name,
BrotherLarry
Brother Larry,


Thank you so much for taking the time to even notice my weak attempt to help Sister Moans. I know and understand how much your Homer Ministry means to you. Having been to Brazil in your esteemed company I saw first hand the lengths to which you will go to drive your point home.


Your help and support during my year of tribulations has shown me that to have a giving nature will bring me closer to God. Thank you for the opportunity to have experienced that giving nature first hand.


Yours faithfully
Thomas
P.S. If you had an address for my son I would appreciate it. It would be nice to see him sometime.


Isaiah 66:15

For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.
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