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Default Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 12:13 AM

Folks, it has recently come to my attention that a lot of young people (mostly gothic males) are, during the act of expelling waste, touching their private areas. Now I was always raised to know not to do such things, as were my children but I don't think that everyone here in Landover is aware of the alarming amount of masturbation that takes place during the act of urinating.
Allow me to draw out a time line for you to adequately describe what is occurring:

Step 1: Subject feels need to go to bathroom
Step 2: Subject enters bathroom and closes door (unless they are goths or homosexuals and enjoy the sick thrill of people watching them urinate).
Step 3: Subject undoes pants zipper and button and removes private areas, extending them outside of the pants (by hand).
Step 4: Subject urinates while touching private areas, in my studies of watching the security cameras in the Radio Station's bathroom I would say that roughly 90% of all people that urinate while touching their private parts become filled with Satan and aroused to the point of debauchery.
Step 5: Subject "shakes" private areas to get any left over "droplets" into the toilet, this experience can include premature ejaculation.

As you can see by this outline, those that urinate in the "Hilary Clinton" style (I coined the name myself) are sick-minded individuals or poor ignorant lost souls on their way to hell. There is really only one solution to this problem which is adopting a new plan of urination to be taught in Christian Schools across America immediately. I call it the "Wash" style of urination (I coined the name myself) and I will briefly outline how it works:

Step 1: Subject, while in their daily Christian schedule of praying, reading the Bible or feeling the negative effects of homosexuality in other parts of the nation, feels the sudden urge to urinate.
Step 2: Subject enters bathroom and closes door, locking it on the door knob as well as at least 3 locks on the door to avoid anyone coming in.
Step 3: Subject blind-folds self, unzips pants and then with sterilized gloves pulls pants down (from the belt loops).
Step 4: Without touching private areas, subject urinates blindly into the direction of the toilet.
Step 5: Subject pulls pants up (by the belt loops) and zips pants back up.
Step 6: Subject burns gloves and sterilizes hands and puts rubbing alcohol into eyes.
Step 7: Subject begs God for forgiveness.

Hopefully my plan will limit the amount of masturbation occuring in the United States to Goths, Homosexuals and Liberals. Some may think that my plan takes too long (the fastest bathroom trip I have ever had was 15 minutes) and that it creates a mess that is a potential health risk. To this I have one response: see you in Hell (from heaven).

Having a bathroom that looks like mine is a small price to pay for eternal salvation. Plus, if you have a wife she will be more than happy to clean it for you (cleaning up after a Godly man is every housewive's dream).


Last edited by Wash O'Hanley; 03-24-2008 at 10:55 PM.
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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 12:20 AM

As for, well, that other thing, God in His infinite wisdom and glory has provided us with specific instructions:

Deut. 23:12-14: Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad: And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee: For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give up thine enemies before thee; therefore shall thy camp be holy: that he see no unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee.

In case anyone reading this goes to a "church" whose "pastor" has never preached the above passage from the Bible, that "pastor" is a liberal heretic who loves political correctness more than he loves Jesus.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 01:47 AM

Whoever owns this company must be a True Christian™ then. Praise!

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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 02:02 AM

Yeuchhh!!! I'm glad my husband's a heathen like me, if he ever used the 'Wash method', I'd be making him go to the bathroom on the lawn (of our apartment block, so even worse!)
Sheesh, and you doubt evolution. You've very aptly illustrated the resemblance people can have to animals. Even monkeys do their business neater than you!!



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 02:37 AM

You might run out of rubber gloves sooner then later... I'm glad I don't live with messy males!


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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 02:44 AM

What's silly is
your lack of practicality.

Leave the toilet for the girls.
Leave the seat down for them.

Whizzin' at the bathtub
that's the way, way
bub*.


"happy once again,
watchin' all my troub-bles
go swingin' down the drain."



*your other suggestions are OK*
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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 03:33 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Yeuchhh!!! I'm glad my husband's a heathen like me, if he ever used the 'Wash method', I'd be making him go to the bathroom on the lawn (of our apartment block, so even worse!)
Sheesh, and you doubt evolution. You've very aptly illustrated the resemblance people can have to animals. Even monkeys do their business neater than you!!
I say again; it has always amazed and disgusted me that the satanic paganistas hold defecation in such fascination. This harlot has been jabbering on and on about it in several threads. Truly revolting.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Thumbs down Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 04:22 AM

To elaborate on a bad idea,

http://tinyurl.com/ykcwof
(singin' blind)

You can yodle Op'ra
e-e-ven while you rub
but I don't advise that, sinner
when whizzin' in the tub!*


*adapted from
Warner Bros. 1929
parody of "Singin' in the Rain":
"Singin' in the Bathtub"
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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 10:38 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Poetic Peter View Post
Leave the toilet for the girls.
Leave the seat down for them.
Peter, this is unacceptable; poetry suffers when one toadies to the feminazi agenda. In a True Christian™ household, the man decides when the seat ought be raised, and when it is lowered - and it is the wife's duty to raise or lower the seat, according to the toiletting needs of her husband.

As for what ladies should do to ensure they don't fall prey to toilet temptations, one should always have plenty of scrunched-up newspaper handy ... or even better, coarse-grained sandpaper.


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Signs that you belong to a FALSE Christian Church.

Persecution You Have Endured for CHRIST: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger in Christ.

For True Christians™ only: please send me Project Habakkuk updates at gertruderogers@landoverbaptist.net. Thank you.
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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 10:45 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I say again; it has always amazed and disgusted me that the satanic paganistas hold defecation in such fascination. This harlot has been jabbering on and on about it in several threads. Truly revolting.
Would you stop it? Sweet merciful crawdads, you're the ones who keep writing the threads on poop and then encouraging people to poop here there and everywhere without a regard for the mess left behind!!
You encourage splattering the bathroom with waste and you call ME disgusting for preferring hygiene???



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 10:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
you call ME disgusting for preferring hygiene???
Since your idea of hygiene is gallon-sized enemas during sex, yes! I would have to agree with Pastor Ezekiel!


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Unhappy Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 10:53 AM

Thank you, Mrs. Rogers.

You know, I admire your wisdom and do accept your guidances.

Am struggling, all my pitiful life, to strike that fine balance between

gallantry and Godliness. I open doors. I put the seat up, then down.

Help me, Mrs Rogers. By this time next month (if I survive Investigation),

I hope to have improved to the point where I may be depended upon

to leave the seat down and moistened. You do me

so much good, Mrs. Rogers. You're the Inspiration for my Investigation.

Mrs. Rogers, you scanned the Bible for us. A gift, Mrs. Rogers; you!



I resolve to begin at the beginning. It's why I am here. To redeem

decades wasted in Congregationalism.



Peter
serious
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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 10:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
Since your idea of hygiene is gallon-sized enemas during sex, yes! I would have to agree with Pastor Ezekiel!
Say WHAT??????
And just what are your sources for THAT lovely piece of info, Pastor?



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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 10:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Poetic Peter View Post
Thank you, Mrs. Rogers.

You know, I admire your wisdom and do accept your guidances.

Am struggling, all my pitiful life, to strike that fine balance between

gallantry and Godliness. I open doors. I put the seat up, then down.

Help me, Mrs Rogers. By this time next month (if I survive Investigation),

I hope to have improved to the point where I may be depended upon

to leave the seat down and moistened. You do me

so much good, Mrs. Rogers. You're the Inspiration for my Investigation.

Mrs. Rogers, you scanned the Bible for us. A gift, Mrs. Rogers; you!



I resolve to begin at the beginning. It's why I am here. To redeem

decades wasted in Congregationalism.



Peter
serious
CONGREGATIONALISM! The bane of the Pacific Rim. The hated Congies will be on the greased pole ahead of the Catholics! May God Damn them all!


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"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 11:35 AM

Confession: It is the cause of my lieberal (sp?) taint.

Beyond and below my many foibles (Tourettes, poetry, gallantry
and venereal warts), is that CONgregationalist brainwashing
I suffered from child-time, onward.

It's a misery. I'm here to regear.


Peter

withered
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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 11:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Say WHAT??????
And just what are your sources for THAT lovely piece of info, Pastor?
You have confessed all of this to me in the late hours when you were drinking tequila shooters with beer chasers. You SAY you don't like beer, but.......


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 05:44 PM

Take heart, Congregation. His poetry is improving.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Poetic Peter View Post
Thank you, Mrs. Rogers.

You know, I admire your wisdom and do accept your guidances.

Am struggling, all my pitiful life, to strike that fine balance between

gallantry and Godliness. I open doors. I put the seat up, then down.

Help me, Mrs Rogers. By this time next month (if I survive Investigation),

I hope to have improved to the point where I may be depended upon

to leave the seat down and moistened. You do me

so much good, Mrs. Rogers. You're the Inspiration for my Investigation.

Mrs. Rogers, you scanned the Bible for us. A gift, Mrs. Rogers; you!



I resolve to begin at the beginning. It's why I am here. To redeem

decades wasted in Congregationalism.



Peter
serious
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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-17-2006, 06:48 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Yeuchhh!!! I'm glad my husband's a heathen like me, if he ever used the 'Wash method', I'd be making him go to the bathroom on the lawn (of our apartment block, so even worse!)
Sheesh, and you doubt evolution. You've very aptly illustrated the resemblance people can have to animals. Even monkeys do their business neater than you!!
Oh so the idea your husband is spraying his spunk around your bathroom like a tom cat from marathon self pollutio sessions is something to be proud off Rachael??? Pagan homes are probably the only place were the old warning that a woman could get pregnant from a toilet seat is true.



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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-18-2006, 06:21 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
You have confessed all of this to me in the late hours when you were drinking tequila shooters with beer chasers. You SAY you don't like beer, but.......

You assured me that was all going to be kept in the strictest confidence!! Hmph, guess one can't take the word of a landover baptist then!

Quote:
Oh so the idea your husband is spraying his spunk around your bathroom like a tom cat from marathon self pollutio sessions is something to be proud off Rachael??? Pagan homes are probably the only place were the old warning that a woman could get pregnant from a toilet seat is true.
He doesn't do that. Lookit, just because YOU do those things, doesn't mean you can accuse all other men of being the same way. Besides, we heathen women are not like your robot-wives who just cook and clean. We see to ALL the needs of our men

And besides, the whole 'Wash method' is utterly repulsive. You'd rather have waste all over the bathroom than using simple aim? Animals, the whole lot of you! Can't even do what any monkey could do!



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Going to the bathroom; a gateway to evil. - 11-18-2006, 06:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post

You assured me that was all going to be kept in the strictest confidence!!
Yes, and it would have if you had kept up with your blackm.....tithes.


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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