[Rev. M. Rodimer]

After the raging successes of RibFest, SausageFest, and CornCon this year, I'm filled with anticipation for the best Witch Hunt ever!

I just wish it weren't six whole weeks away . . . But then again, my congregation gets a bit testy with me away so much at these "conferences".

I've noticed that, with the rise of "nones" in American society (those who reject all religions, not just Jesus), we are seeing a decline in self-proclaimed "witches". So, it's my recommendation that we expand the definition of "witch" for purposes of the hunt to include:

• Witches (such as Wiccans and pagans): They're witches by definition
• Mediums/Psychics/Tarot Readers: Talking to the dead is necromancy
• My Chemical Romance fans/Emos: Satan-loving freaks
• Theosophists: Because "Blavatsky" sounds blasphemous
• Homeopathists: They believe that water has memories and that ritual counting makes healing power
• Chiropractors: They believe that "life force" needs to be adjusted
• Acupuncturists: See Chiropractors

Are there any other classes of "people" that should be captured for the 2012 Witch Hunt?

Bobby-Joe, please send me three Witch Transport Crates. I've readied the dungeon and am about to begin luring witches with My Chemical Romance music and tranquilizer-laced Twinkies.

[Bjorn Jensen]

You can add illusionists, cause you never know if they are practising real witchcraft or not, in any case it can be considered as attempted witchcraft.

[Whip of Japheth]

This year I have found too 'nests', there will be a good hunt!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

My new witch gattling gun just came in. I can't wait to try it out!

[Deaner]

I ain't gonna do nothing fancy this year. I'm just gonna chain a couple of Wiccans to the back of the truck, fill the back of the truck up with some of the boys... and heave beer bottles at 'em as we drive around town.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Originally Posted by Deaner

I ain't gonna do nothing fancy this year. I'm just gonna chain a couple of Wiccans to the back of the truck, fill the back of the truck up with some of the boys... and heave beer bottles at 'em as we drive around town.

That won't net ya the most witches, Brother!

Of course, Zeke somehow always wins. There are certain rumors going around . . .

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

My new witch gattling gun just came in. I can't wait to try it out!

The one I ordered is based on this model, but mine is customized of course.

...it turns out we didn't need a new roof on the south wing of the Landover Baptist Cathedral after all.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

I have found the most wonderful resource!

Twice a month, the "Pyramid of Enlightenment" holds a "psychic fair" in Indianapolis.

Better yet:

Our psychics will be traveling Indianapolis to new locations to better entertain you. Come visit us at any of these locations. Or send us an email at pyramidceo@aol.com requesting your favorite location and we will try to come to you.

An enterprising individual or group could rent a hall in Indianapolis, and offer to host a "psychic fair". Those people would then be able to capture entice . . . well, Lord knows how many witches, necromancers, and the like, to bring to Freehold for the Witch Hunt!

Me? I'm far too busy with my congregation to pull something like that off. Besides, I wouldn't want to be connected to any missing necromancers.

I understand they are pretty hardcore about revenge. Most of them are gypsies, you know.

Speaking of which, has Freehold set up its "Free Gypsy Campground" signs yet? Gypsies are pretty much all witches.

[Levi Jones]

I know where a coven of them meet weekly. I just know I'll finally win this year.

[LBC loving Dutchmen]

Is it ok for me to arrange myself a witch hunt? I'm afraid I won't be able to attend the one in the Godly USA. And it is full with witches here, so if I can decrease the number, that would be great. I'm asking for approval, since I am not a True Christian.

Since this will be my first witch hunt, is there a manual or general guidelines? It might be that I have to make some alteration due to different government laws, with we have to follow.

[Liam the ex-drunk]

The witch hunt is not just confined to Godly USA, it is worldwide. There is a small diaspora from Land over baptist church on missions in many Godless countries, so I see no reason why the pastors will disallow you from hunting the fiends in Clogland. Although its not my call, so I would suggest seeking permission from a senior pastor first of all.

Last year I bagged a few witches, not bad for my first hunt.

Rev. Rodimer, may I also suggest adding seculiar scientists and darwinistas to the list. Also those who perpetuate the myth of global warming. Thanks

[Liam the ex-drunk]

Originally Posted by LBC loving Dutchmen

Is it ok for me to arrange myself a witch hunt? I'm afraid I won't be able to attend the one in the Godly USA. And it is full with witches here, so if I can decrease the number, that would be great. I'm asking for approval, since I am not a True Christian.

Since this will be my first witch hunt, is there a manual or general guidelines? It might be that I have to make some alteration due to different government laws, with we have to follow.

Here ya go my Europistani friend - all the details you need, thanks to Daisy Mae for her help.

YiC

Liam

Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson

Guess what TIME it is!

Yes, Folks it's that time of year again!

I'm sure you all remember the rules, but I'll list them again for the new folks.

1. To prove a kill you must submit genitals, teeth, ears or fingers or toes to the Pastors if you cannot bring in the entire body.

2. Severely maiming will get you points, but it's not as good as a kill.

You will need a permit, they are now available in the Church Lobby. The cost is $4.25. If you are not able to afford the cost of a Witch Hunting Permit, please fill out a "Hardship" Form available from a Pastor and a permit will be provided for you free of charge.

Winners will receive the coveted 2011 Witch Hunt Award, dinner for 4 at the Olive Garden, a gun of his/her choice from Bob4God's Gun World and a leather bound, over-sized KJV1611 Bible.

Now get out there and get us some witches!

Be GODLY, be good and most importantly HAVE FUN!

Post your results here!!!

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Unfortunately guns are illegal over here but you would be surprised how many Wicca have psychological problems and talk about their suicidal ideations in some of the Groups I run.

A suggestion here, a nudge there can be just as effective as a gun.

Jesus is my Saviour.

[Cranky Old Man]

I have given up on getting the most kills as Pastor Ezekiel always seems to kill just a few more witches than me. Also my Smith and Wesson 500 Mag Hunter is no match for his new Gatling gun. This year I will go for the most head shots award. Brother Bob4God sold me a very promising collection of bear traps. The advantage being I can still shoot the witch after she is trapped. Their screaming will make it easy to figure out where a trap has caught a witch.

Exodus 22:18 "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Originally Posted by LBC loving Dutchmen

Is it ok for me to arrange myself a witch hunt? I'm afraid I won't be able to attend the one in the Godly USA.

It's a shame you can't make it to Freehold.

In years gone by, Rachael van Hellsing's coven used to meet in the woods outside Freehold, so hunting those witches was the limit of the night's festivities. But, just like a favorite pond, those woods got overfished. van Hellthing hasn't been heard from for years, and her entire coven has been wiped out.

For the last few years, the woods have been "stocked" with witches gathered from nearby states. They are collected in September and October through various means; I know that Brother Cranky likes to go to Des Moines bars looking for women wearing the pentagram, then follow them as they walk home until he can use his favorite pick-up line on them: "Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

Last year, Landover began awarding prizes not just for the most witches bagged on the Witch Hunt, but the most captured for stocking of Freehold's "pond".

I'm pretty sure Freehold had over 100 witches of all shapes and sizes last year! And thanks to the electric fence, not one escaped.

This year, Sister Daisy Mae tells me that there will be a special treat for the kiddies: The Witch Pen! An elderly or disabled witch will be placed in a 5-foot square pen. Each child (ages 6 and under) will be able to take a turn climbing the steps next to the pen, and choose a weapon: three rocks, a .22 rifle with one round, or a recurve bow with one target arrow. A direct hit of any sort wins a prize, and the killing blow wins the Grand Prize!

Sister Daisy Mae will have to explain the prizes for the kids.

[Deaner]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

The one I ordered is based on this model, but mine is customized of course.

Wow, what a piece of death. Imagine just getting an inch of that barrel up a queer's butt?

[James Hutchins]

All the Hutchins kids are worked up. Seeing the little ones cleaning thier MAC10 .223's, setting the scopes, competeling for the best grouping, well it brings a tear to a haredened old man like me. Each year, there are one or two of my kids who get to finally go 'on the hunt' because they are over the age of three. Some of the older kids seem to loose interest but the little ones eyes light up at the prospect of getting thier first one. I try to instill in them not to waste bullets and insted have them grasp the concept on 'one shot, one kill'. However, I have to admit, the music of a full auto is pretty sweet.

[Godfly]

I'll be leaving the gate unlocked to the Mexican/gypsy side of the RV park so there's no need to tear it down like you did last year. I assume anyone who celebrated the Mexican dead people christmas makes the witch list so it's a good spot to pad your numbers. Watch out for the gyps. They're a willy bunch.

[godmockingboob94]

whats a witch hunt and what do you mean by "capture"?

[Levi Jones]

Originally Posted by curiousboob94

whats a witch hunt and what do you mean by "capture"?

Oh, just some good old fashioned fraternity style pranks and hijinks.



Maybe you would like to attend? You could be one of the guests of honor.