[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

For the last time, THIS IS FOR MEN ONLY! THIS INCLUDES YOU, LITTLE LADY, YES I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! MEN ONLY! MEN ONLY!

Is there such a thing as Christian penis enlargement? I ask because there are a lot of websites with information on how to grow a bigger penis, but all of them are filled with sin, including pictures, lust-inducing discussions, and disturbing arabic words like "jelq".

I think the "jelq" method is not Christian, because it requires a state of semi-arousal, making it half-masturbation. The tempation to think lustfully is too great, and there is even a risk of onanism - and the very thought of killing unconcieved children makes my penis want to shrivel up and hide inside me.

Creams aren't Christian, since they have to be "applied", so that leaves pills. However, I don't recommend these for older gentlemen, as Obama's death panels might give you a cyanide capsule instead.

I asked Dr Laurie if she could enlarge my penis, but she misinterpreted my request with awkward results.

Advice please.

EDIT: NO I don't ask this for lustful purposes. It is just that I used to take pride in all forms of my manliness and after seeing a certain brother have a certain "church boner" I have been feeling less-manly. Frankly I was shocked to learn that God makes them longer than 4 inches.