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Default Satanic stigmata - 01-15-2007, 06:37 AM
God gave us hemorrhoids to say quite plainly that that area is off limits. Sodomy is flat out wrong. Hemorrhoids are there to make you understand that nothing should be in that section of the body. It is an exit ramp only and a big hemorrhoid is proof of the pain awaiting sinners in Hell.

Just imagine the pain you are in if God inflicts you with the “piles” as the British like to say. Yes, it burns and each step wracks you with pain. The softest toilet paper feels like the grittiest sandpaper. Now, this is just a warning, for Satan and his hordes of demons actually have flaming diamond-encrusted members. Think about it for a minute. Ripping and tearing! Acidic corrosive “stuff” being injected while you are at your most sensitive! Yes, now you can grasp what Hell is all about.

But, if you have the good fortune to just have hemorrhoids, get down on your knees and praise God. Yes, it hurts to bend down and stand up, but think of Paradise! God is infinite in his wisdom. He could strike you dead at any minute. Maybe your shoe unties and you trip. You land in the street and a bus runs over your head. You go to paradise and you’re happy. Praise be!

God loves you so much he gave you hemorrhoids just to remind you in an infinitesimal way of what awaits. Be sure, the pain you experience is indeed just a crack in the door as to what would really await you in Hell. Next time you’re in the painful burning itchy grip of hemorrhoids, just consider it Satan’s stigmata. A stigmata of things to come.

Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-15-2007, 01:05 PM
Well, how beautiful, Eliot. I never paused to consider the poetry of 'roids. *snicker*


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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-15-2007, 01:22 PM
You've never stopped to consider your soul either. Do you really want to burn? We all need to pray that Hellseeker gets a big case of the piles! Then you'll see the value of prayer!

Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-15-2007, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
You've never stopped to consider your soul either. Do you really want to burn. We all need to pray that Hellseeker gets a big case of the piles! Then you'll see the value of prayer!
Praise Jesus, brother eliot!

Rachael, I pray without ceasing, and I've never any hemorroids.
There is a lesson for you to learn from that.

Also, it would probably help if you stopped letting strange men sodomise you..
That can't be healthy either, piles or not.

If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 12:46 AM
I'll have you know I've never had a single 'roid! Nary a one (knock on wood), so there.

If you xtians get constant roids, it's your own fault.


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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 02:58 AM
Praise the Lord, Brother Eliot!! Roids aren't the only thing God CURSES those SODOMITES with as we all know. PRAISE THE LORD!!

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"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." Matthew 7:15

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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 03:01 AM
Padded pews help too.

YIC
V
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 03:59 AM
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Padded pews help too.

YIC
V
I give thanks each and every day for my deluxe barkalounger recliner (provided by Jesus) up behind the pulpit. I have the "Marksman" model, as does Pastor Pistle. Lord it helps!

Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 04:39 AM
I find it ironic that you talk about how 'roids are a punishment yet it seems to be you who are getting 'em.


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 06:25 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
I find it ironic that you talk about how 'roids are a punishment yet it seems to be you who are getting 'em.

It is not a punishment. When God sees fit to single you out for a lesson it's an honor because you know God still loves you and cares about you enough to show you. THAT'S why you've never had one!

Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 07:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I give thanks each and every day for my deluxe barkalounger recliner (provided by Jesus) up behind the pulpit. I have the "Marksman" model, as does Pastor Pistle. Lord it helps!
PRAISE! Our GODLY Pastors deserve only the best!

I'm thankful for the leather recliners us Platinum Tithers have. While not quite as nice as the barkaloungers the Pastors have they are quite comfortable, allowing us to listen to the sermon better as we're not fidgiting in a crowded and uncomfortable pew the whole time.

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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I give thanks each and every day for my deluxe barkalounger recliner (provided by Jesus) up behind the pulpit. I have the "Marksman" model, as does Pastor Pistle. Lord it helps!
I got rid of mine because I decided a padded recliner was not appropriate for the home. If people get too comfortable they sometimes stop thinking about JESUS. However, I do have two of them in the portable baptismal.

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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
It is not a punishment. When God sees fit to single you out for a lesson it's an honor because you know God still loves you and cares about you enough to show you. THAT'S why you've never had one!
My, my, however am I so stupid that I wouldn't want to convert to a religion where love is shown by the poetically embarrassing and painful 'roids by your 'loving' deity who I don't believe in.

You can keep your 'roids, thanks, I'll stick to being a hellbound heathen. And have you tried those donut cushions? Save your ass a lot of pain!


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 11:00 AM
A solemn reminder, Brother Mayfield, that we should obey all of the Lord's posted traffic signs. ONE WAY and that is the path to Jesus. Praise!

Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 11:26 AM
Well, at least that's one question answered. No wonder *certain people* are grumpy all the time. Constipated AND 'roids!


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-16-2007, 02:20 PM
I believe that hemorrhoids are a manifestation of deviant demoncrats. They are the culmination and pain associated with the a** raping that all God fearing True Christian Men will receive at their hands. Only satan could have given birth to these people.

"If thou buy an Hebrew servant, six years he shall serve: and in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing. . . . And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the manservant's do."
(Leviticus 21:6-7)
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-17-2007, 12:29 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
And have you tried those donut cushions? Save your ass a lot of pain!
Friend, I always find that the best way to avoid "ass-pain", as you so crudely put it, is to avoid dropping soap in front of negroes or similiarly sodomitical sinners. Have you ever tried accepting God's Love? I can guarantee it'll save your immortal soul a very great deal of pain indeed.

O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-17-2007, 12:32 AM
Well seeing as I'm not male, and not in jail, I don't have to worry about the whole 'dropping the soap' thing.

As for sodomy....it doesn't necessarily have to be painful.

Besides, sodomy has nothing to do with roids. A great deal of the people who suffer it probably have never had anal sex in their life.


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-17-2007, 02:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Well, at least that's one question answered. No wonder *certain people* are grumpy all the time. Constipated AND 'roids!

Hmmm...should we speculate as to how he got them?

On second thought......probably not.

In order to be old & wise,you must first be young & stupid.
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Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Satanic stigmata - 01-17-2007, 02:37 AM
Well my guess is that on those days when the 'uplugging' occurs, *certain people* would be extra grumpy for a while, seeing as that would have to be painful with 'roids!


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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