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Reload this Page 2014 Witch Hunt!
HALLOWEEN = HELLOWEEN A seasonal forum to NOT celebrate Satan's birthday.

 
 
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 10-27-2014, 12:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Gee, I do hope that you are right, because otherwise you would be lying about her, and God does not approve of that (Proverbs 19:5).

What interests me most, however, is the "ex-" part - is she a fornicator (Matthew 5:32)? If so, I really feel for you - you cannot marry another woman until your ex-wife dies (Luke 16:18).
She was. Why so sorry?

God Bless
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 10-27-2014, 01:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mister Jones View Post
She was. Why so sorry?

God Bless
The mystery deepens! First, you spoke of her in present tense, now in the past... So, is she alive or not?

Please forgive me for all my questions, but there are several young True Christian™ ladies ready to be married (some are quite desperate, too), and I'm sure they all would like to know whether you are an available widower or an unavailable divorced man.

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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 10-27-2014, 03:48 PM

Last year was a bit unlucky because always someone was a few steps faster then me. It's all about beeing at the right place at the right time and have the right instinct.
Like Cranky Old Man seems to smell witches from miles away. Quite impressing.

job 12:12

12 With the ancient is wisdom; and in length of days understanding.
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 10-27-2014, 05:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Titus Templeton View Post
Last year was a bit unlucky because always someone was a few steps faster then me. It's all about beeing at the right place at the right time and have the right instinct.
Like Cranky Old Man seems to smell witches from miles away. Quite impressing.

job 12:12

12 With the ancient is wisdom; and in length of days understanding.
It is just like any other hunting. You must familiarize yourself with the habits of the witches in your area and know their haunts. Often, they can be lured to a certain area, in much the same way a deer are lured to a feeder.

They favor oak groves for their meetings, so if you cut down as many of the oak trees in your area as possible, leaving only those you have staked out, they are likely to present themselves for justice. Also, they are attracted to the sounds of large fierce animals and rock and roll music. The successful hunter will provide himself with ear plugs for use as they are required. They have been known to respond to billboards in plain English, advertising flowing black dresses in extra large sizes, though it is difficult to round up an entire coven using that method.

Those are just a few of my suggestions and procedures and that is my advice.

God Bless!


God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 10-27-2014, 08:13 PM

I can neither confirm nor deny, Basilissa. I can say I am available (and it is Biblical), but I am currently in the process of finding another witch wife. However, in protest of this reign of gynaecocracy, I am considering following the path of Solomon, for the ladies here who are not yet wedded to a patriarch. 1 Kings 11:3
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 10-27-2014, 09:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Titus Templeton View Post
Like Cranky Old Man seems to smell witches from miles away.
It's not that hard, they smell horrible. Whoever invented incense should be raped in his behind with Satan's tallywacker, while being forced to listen to Jimmy Carter speeches, for all eternity.


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 10-31-2014, 03:57 PM

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!!!!

Bow? Check
Machete? Check
Camo gear? Check
Waterproof KJV? Check
Gortex tote bag (for heads)? Check

Am I missing anything.....should probably pack a couple sandwiches.

Hey, do we have to bring back the entire head this year? I'm getting old and they get heavy. How about just a scalp, nose and ears?
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 03:43 AM

Boys, I'm going to take top prize again this year. I've got a whole flock of them!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 04:33 AM

I took Murray (my best mate) with me in search of the witch's coven I had investigated. His job was to keep watch and collect body parts as they fell to the ground. We arrived half an hour before the coven was to meet. Things started well. The first witch arrived and with the aid of my trusty sword, I sliced right through her hand and half way through her torso with the first hack. Murray scurried around on the ground and bagged the five fingers. Meanwhile, rather than finishing to slice her body in half, I was distracted by another couple of witches who must have seen what was going on. As they scurried away I brought my sword down on one of them from above, slicing off an ear then through the left shoulder down to the right hip.
The second witch got away. I cursed Murray for not noticing these intruder witches, but like the good mate he is he picked up the severed ear. Then through the dark of the night we saw the flashing lights of the constabulary, obviously alerted by the escapee witch. I cursed Murray again, but by then he was off and running. I decided that my mate was more important to me than a few stinky witches, so I went in pursuit of Murray.

So only 2 witches killed. The spoils:


and



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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 04:41 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Farmer View Post
Congratulations, Brother Jim. The abomination in the picture, I must ask, what body part is it actually? Part of a wing? Labia? (sorry, Ladies, for the vulgarism)

Proverbs 15:9
The way of the wicked is an abomination unto the LORD: but he loveth him that followeth after righteousness.

Good for you! I must double my own efforts! And good for your mate, Mr. Murray. It is good to have close manly friends and he seems to be an athletic young youth in his prime! Is he saved?


Yours in Christ,

Elmer


2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 04:52 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elmer G. White View Post
Congratulations, Brother Jim. The abomination in the picture, I must ask, what body part is it actually? Part of a wing? Labia? (sorry, Ladies, for the vulgarism)

Proverbs 15:9
The way of the wicked is an abomination unto the LORD: but he loveth him that followeth after righteousness.

Good for you! I must double my own efforts! And good for your mate, Mr. Murray. It is good to have close manly friends and he seems to be an athletic young youth in his prime! Is he saved?


Yours in Christ,

Elmer
I think it was one of the ears. These witches were the ugliest creatures I've ever seen, with long pointy ears covered with hairs - more like pigs ears, actually.
I'm working on Murray - he's coming on nicely. A good learner. We spend many nights together into the wee hours poring over God's word. (He's spending a few months with me while my useless wife spends time with her parents until the girl child learns not to scream and vomit and poop uncontrollably)


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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 05:38 PM

I am afraid that after several weeks of scouting and several days of preparation, my party and myself were unable to bag a single witch, owing to our, in retrospect, unfortunate choice to employ a Vietnam war era claymore mine, which did not go off, at least not at the appropriate time.

We had located a full coven of thirteen witches and had a perfect shot, as it were. Sadly, the mine did not explode. There was some commotion and all the witches escaped. About an hour later, while some of the men were looking for witch sign nearby, it did finally explode, narrowly missing an electrician.

Next year, we hope to do better.


God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 08:13 PM

I hope all the hunters enjoyed the pastries I prepared as treats upon completion of this year's hunt. Sister Daisy and I were just exhausted after serving all of you. I don't think anything was left untouched, which just filled us with joy.

Daisy, did you ever find your engagement ring? Oh, that's right - you don't have one yet. #dropthatjoker

Lovingly,
NRL


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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 08:25 PM

Anyone has any recipes? Can they be cooked like other wild game?

I bagged 4 of them, all with my compound bow
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 09:40 PM

I think we need to keep a tally. So far (in order of bag count):

1. Pastor Ezekiel - ??
2. Cranky - 9
3. Ex-Viking - 4
4. Jim Farmer - 2
5. Elmer White - 1
6. Alvin Moss - 0

Please keep those results coming. I'll update this tally board regularly. If I've missed someone, please let me know and I'll fix it.


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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 09:55 PM

Just...wow... you guys are having a laugh right?
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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 10:10 PM

Zombywhatever, how about a proper introduction in the Introduction Forum, so we know who we're talking to? Please read the instructions there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Farmer View Post
I think we need to keep a tally. So far (in order of bag count):

1. Pastor Ezekiel - ??
2. Cranky - 9
3. Ex-Viking - 4
4. Jim Farmer - 2
5. Elmer White - 1
6. Alvin Moss - 0

Please keep those results coming. I'll update this tally board regularly. If I've missed someone, please let me know and I'll fix it.
Brother Jim, is there any point in listing people with a zero tally? I mean, on that basis you might as well add me to the list - even if it were appropriate for me to take part, my husband's away and I don't have the key to the gun store.

Brother Cranky's tally of 9 was dated over a week ago! I bet it's a whole lot higher by now. But I think we all know who's going to win, don't we? Congratulations, Pastor Zeke.


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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 10:24 PM

Women! I despair sometimes.
Brother Alvin participated and did his darndest.
Did you participate?


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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 10:48 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Farmer View Post
Women! I despair sometimes.
Brother Alvin participated and did his darndest.
Did you participate?
I apologize for speaking out of turn, Brother. And I take your point that Brother Alvin did the very best he could with the limited and outdated materiel at his disposal. When Matthew gets home I'll ask him to make sure that Brother Alvin is better equipped next year. That's what fellowship is all about.

No, I didn't take part myself. But I did equip my 3 eldest boys with camouflage gear, slingshots and a hunting knife. They had an absolutely fabulous evening! They brought home 6 cats' heads (along with sundry other unidentifiable objects ). The evil old baggage who owned the cats died of heart failure on the spot - does this count, even though it wasn't officially attributed to them by the authorities, thanks to the intervention of Pastor Steve? If so, Luke, James and John Lytton-Vasey should score 1. They would be so thrilled to see their names on the scoreboard!


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Default Re: 2014 Witch Hunt! - 11-01-2014, 11:16 PM

Congratulations congregation! Thank you for all of your hard work capturing witches, warlocks and a few emo's this year! We were however, a little disappointed by the turn out this year.

The winners this year are:

1. Pastor Ezekiel (he always wins)
2. Cranky
3. Ex-Viking
4. Jim Farmer
5. Elmer White

Congratulations again Brothers! I hope you all will give thought over the next year on new and creative ways of ridding our community of unwanted witches next year. We are thinking of creating another award category for creative ways of catching and torturing.




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