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Jesus Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-13-2017, 10:43 AM

Covfefe my flock! If you behave and tithe, it is highly likely that my good friend Jesus Christ your savior will visit our Forum also this Christmas and answer your respectful and appropriate questions! Go on! Ask Him anything and show Him that you have more interest in His Life in Heaven than in the demon Santa who we've been unable to ban! And keep 'em holiday tithes coming, guys! Flint mansion won't take care of itself and the Christmas bonus for my Filipino houseboys will take quite a few dimes off the maintenance costs!



Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Jesus Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-13-2017, 02:36 PM

Before I send a note to Jesus, I would just like to point out to you, Pastor, the fact that you and Jesus could really do a number on the demon Santa if you would approve my application for Freehold residency, since he claims it was rejected. This would show him up to be the liar that he is. So, hey - be a mensch.


In loving respect for your manliness, Godliness, and desire to have all the attention (this is just one more way for you to get it),


BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Shower down upon me, Lord!
May I feel Your Golden Rain!
Let me bathe in its glory
While I share Your Story
Please, shower down on me, my Lord!
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Cake Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-13-2017, 02:49 PM

Dearest, Kindest, Handsome and Loving Lord Jesus:


It has been a while since we've communicated in writing, although I hear Your Still, Small Voice everyday, leading and guiding me on my journey toward Heaven. Praise Yourself! Before I present my questions and requests, I'd like to say that I hope you were pleased with my mission trip to South America this past year. I also hope you were pleased that on my recent journeys to Spain I was able to bring hundreds of men to their knees. I was right down there with them, of course, savoring the sweet, sweet milk of Your Kindness and the Honey from Your Rock. Glory! Here are a few of my questions:


1. Why did You allow Jones to beat Moore in Alabama? I know many people were praying for Moore to win. You said where two or more of us are gathered in Your Name, there You would be. You said that if two or more agree on something here on Earth, it would be done in Heaven. What Gives, Jeez?
2. I would like my application for residency to be approved. Can't You help with this? Gettin' a little less omnipotent are we, Lord?
3. What's up with my Dad's health? It just keeps improving. Think of all the tithes that are going to the Catholic Church right now when they could be coming into the coffers of Landover Baptist Church.
4. There is a new guy at church who is really handsome and I want to get to know him better. (so we can be platonic buds, of course) You know the one I'm talking about, because You know everything. Please don't tell me someone who dresses like he does is more into Sister Evelyn Jones than a handsome well built young and intelligent certified equine gnathologist? (Again, as a manly, platonic, let's go work out and shower together buddy)


I love and adore You, my most Beautiful Savior, Lord of All, King of Heaven and the Universe and beyond, Thou Who Art all good, all knowing, all loving, all merciful, my light, my joy, my sweet savor, my uplifter, my everything! All to You I owe and all my love You deserve!


In You,
BrotherLarry


(The Horse Guy)


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Shower down upon me, Lord!
May I feel Your Golden Rain!
Let me bathe in its glory
While I share Your Story
Please, shower down on me, my Lord!
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Default Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-13-2017, 06:51 PM

Dear Lord and Father of mankind,
Forgive our foolish ways.
Reclothe us in our rightful mind,
In purer lives, Thy service find,
In deeper reverence, praise.

In simple trust like theirs who heard
Beside the Syrian sea,
Could you please explain the mystery
And meaning of the cursed fig tree,
Interpreted by love?




Ec:7:16: Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?

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Default Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-15-2017, 02:01 PM

Hello .. I know you don't like to be reminded of what happened at Golgotha, who would? and much prefer being praised for your Victory Resurrection enabling us to cast off the garment of sinful nature and receive New Life. Nevertheless I've been wondering about all these popes, how many are there now? Three? Five? There's two in Italy, one Spaniard, at least one Egyptian all looking steadfastly behind at ancient pagan traditions.

Are they likely to turn into fossils?
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Default Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-25-2017, 08:31 AM

Dear sweet, kind and loving savior Jesus. Happy Birthday! I feel even more excited about praising you than usual today! I have the day off work which means more time to dedicate to you and only you!

Thank you for blessing us with your presence, wisdom, light, and hope. I had a few questions that I was hoping you could answer if you were so inclined.

1. Will Trump remain in office for the next 7, or at least 3 years left in his term? Despite, or perhaps because of his so far excellent track record, we have Demoncrats trying to impeach him every day.

2. Is America still your favorite nation, or at least safe from your wrath for the foreseeable future? With Trump in office, I'm feeling a great Christian resurgence. Though I still feel emotionally shaken by the decision from the Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage. I'm amazed you were able to restrain yourself and not obliterate us in the same way Sodom and Gomorrah were obliterated. Thank you for that by the way! As I see it, every day I wake up and I haven't been completed destroyed in some sort of natural disaster is a precious gift from you.

Unless of course, if you wished to destroy us sooner. In which case, that'd be a precious gift too! That way we could join you in Heaven where we can praise you all the time even sooner!

3. Is Adolf Hitler in Heaven or roasting in toasting in Hell? As mentioned in this thread, he was a Catholic, so at least during the course of most of his life, he was lost. Though with the other good things he did like stabilize the German economy, and standing against race mixing, I couldn't help but wonder if he had the smallest inkling of light in him. It was just a conversation I overheard in the street, so maybe I shouldn't pay much attention to it, but there were some people speculating that in his last moments perhaps he had a sudden revelation where he may have finally accepted you as his lord and savior. That made me wonder. Sometimes when people are nearing death is when they really take a good long hard look at their lives.

4. Through my partnership with hospitals around the world, I've compiled a large list of AIDS infested terrorists through my AIDS Mapper software. We seem to have a mostly complete list. However, some dirty homosexuals tend to slip through the cracks. Mostly ones that are too poor or to cheap to ever visit a doctor's office.

Would it be possible for you to PM me a list of any of the AIDS infested degenerates that I may have overlooked? A list of people I may have misclassified as having AIDS would be nice too but that's a lower priority. I'm pretty sure there probably aren't too many of those. I would understand if you didn't want to provide that. I know how busy you are.

Admittedly, I may have an ulterior profit motive in asking this question, though I promise to increase my tithes very significantly beyond the required 10% if you could help provide this information. It's more profit for your church and more safety for Christians everywhere to avoid AIDS infested scum! It seems like a win-win to me.

Last edited by Prayer Warrior; 12-25-2017 at 08:44 AM. Reason: question 4
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Jesus Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-25-2017, 12:36 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Horse Guy View Post
Before I send a note to Jesus, I would just like to point out to you, Pastor, the fact that you and Jesus could really do a number on the demon Santa if you would approve my application for Freehold residency, since he claims it was rejected. This would show him up to be the liar that he is. So, hey - be a mensch.

In loving respect for your manliness, Godliness, and desire to have all the attention (this is just one more way for you to get it),

BrotherLarry
You're the Horse Guy, right? I am a mensch or a divan or a food blender. In fact, I am anything I wish to be. Omnipotency rocks, eh!? As for your request, it is not really a question, is it? Capische? So I've delegated this issue to Pastor Zeke who always does My Will and nothing but My Will. Santa is gonna spend his eternity locked in a narrow chimney with an everlasting hot coal fire underneath, and the chimney is infinitely long, and his skin will eternally be scraped off as he slowly slides down the chili-infused inner lining of sharp bricks.


Blessed is Me.
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Jesus Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-25-2017, 12:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Still the Horse Guy View Post
Here are a few of my questions:

1. Why did You allow Jones to beat Moore in Alabama? I know many people were praying for Moore to win. You said where two or more of us are gathered in Your Name, there You would be. You said that if two or more agree on something here on Earth, it would be done in Heaven. What Gives, Jeez?
One word: Sodomy.
Quote:
2. I would like my application for residency to be approved. Can't You help with this? Gettin' a little less omnipotent are we, Lord?
a. Yes, I can but as stated earlier, I've delegated this to Big Zeke. b. No, we aren't (the first part was not a question, was it?).
Quote:
3. What's up with my Dad's health? It just keeps improving. Think of all the tithes that are going to the Catholic Church right now when they could be coming into the coffers of Landover Baptist Church.
It's not only his health that is up these days. Two words: sodomy and the blue pill. Two more words: Free Will (one of Dad's less brilliant ideas).
Quote:
4. There is a new guy at church who is really handsome and I want to get to know him better. (so we can be platonic buds, of course) You know the one I'm talking about, because You know everything. Please don't tell me someone who dresses like he does is more into Sister Evelyn Jones than a handsome well built young and intelligent certified equine gnathologist? (Again, as a manly, platonic, let's go work out and shower together buddy)
In You [I prefer thee],
BrotherLarry
(The Horse Guy)
OK, I won't tell you that.


Blessed is Me.
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Jesus Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-25-2017, 12:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
Dear Lord and Father of mankind [such a nice greeting, hark ye others!],

Could you please explain the mystery
And meaning of the cursed fig tree,
Interpreted by love?
Yes, I could. You're the lesser Zeke, aren't you?

Have you ever really looked at the fruit of the fig tree when it splits?



It looks just like a cooter. I had one look at the nasty thing during my birth exactly 2017 years ago. I am probably the only person dead and alive that was sentient during the passage through the birth canal. Had you seen what I saw and smelled what I smelled you'd be running around cursing figs trees, too, instead of typing simple questions in an idle manner. What is Love? It is to protect my people from the sight that could remind them of this disgusting moment in time. OK, those of you who had caesareans can enjoy an occasional fig every now and then. That's why I didn't curse all of them.
It is my Luv that protects you, Lesser Zeke.


Blessed is Me.
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Default Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-25-2017, 12:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
Hello .. I know you don't like to be reminded of what happened at Golgotha, who would? and much prefer being praised for your Victory Resurrection enabling us to cast off the garment of sinful nature and receive New Life. Nevertheless I've been wondering about all these popes, how many are there now? Three? Five? There's two in Italy, one Spaniard, at least one Egyptian all looking steadfastly behind at ancient pagan traditions.

Are they likely to turn into fossils?
a. Too many. b. No, the Earth will be recycled before they mineralize. For more information, look at Revelation chapters 8, 9, and 16.


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Jesus Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-25-2017, 01:07 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prayer Warrior View Post
Dear sweet, kind and loving savior Jesus [].

1. Will Trump remain in office for the next 7, or at least 3 years left in his term? Despite, or perhaps because of his so far excellent track record, we have Demoncrats trying to impeach him every day.
He will unless he trespasses, or unless I decide to come and slay everyone. I am tempted to come. All this depends upon the second word of the third sentence of the first interview that the Fist First Lady will give in 2018. I thought it would be fun to not make it pre-ordained.
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2. Is America still your favorite nation, or at least safe from your wrath for the foreseeable future? With Trump in office, I'm feeling a great Christian resurgence. Though I still feel emotionally shaken by the decision from the Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage. I'm amazed you were able to restrain yourself and not obliterate us in the same way Sodom and Gomorrah were obliterated. Thank you for that by the way! As I see it, every day I wake up and I haven't been completed destroyed in some sort of natural disaster is a precious gift from you.

Unless of course, if you wished to destroy us sooner. In which case, that'd be a precious gift too! That way we could join you in Heaven where we can praise you all the time even sooner!
You're mixing the America of the Soul with the geographical America. The Spiritual America is everywhere, where two or more of me and Zeke's followers gather in our name. That remains my favorite nation. Some of its citizens are geographical US-citizens but Vlad, obviously, isn't. Nor Kim. You'll hear of Nigel sooner or later so I won't mention him.
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3. Is Adolf Hitler in Heaven or roasting in toasting in Hell? As mentioned in this thread, he was a Catholic, so at least during the course of most of his life, he was lost. Though with the other good things he did like stabilize the German economy, and standing against race mixing, I couldn't help but wonder if he had the smallest inkling of light in him. It was just a conversation I overheard in the street, so maybe I shouldn't pay much attention to it, but there were some people speculating that in his last moments perhaps he had a sudden revelation where he may have finally accepted you as his lord and savior. That made me wonder. Sometimes when people are nearing death is when they really take a good long hard look at their lives.
I can assure you that you'll meet Adolf personally in your abode for eternity.
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4. Through my partnership with hospitals around the world, I've compiled a large list of AIDS infested terrorists through my AIDS Mapper software. We seem to have a mostly complete list. However, some dirty homosexuals tend to slip through the cracks. Mostly ones that are too poor or to cheap to ever visit a doctor's office.

Would it be possible for you to PM me a list of any of the AIDS infested degenerates that I may have overlooked? A list of people I may have misclassified as having AIDS would be nice too but that's a lower priority. I'm pretty sure there probably aren't too many of those. I would understand if you didn't want to provide that. I know how busy you are.

Admittedly, I may have an ulterior profit motive in asking this question, though I promise to increase my tithes very significantly beyond the required 10% if you could help provide this information. It's more profit for your church and more safety for Christians everywhere to avoid AIDS infested scum! It seems like a win-win to me.
Yes, it would be possible. You've overlooked Tanya, Suzie, La'Russo, Chris, Torben, Théodore, Margaret, Jane, Xenakis, 356739 Lee's, 29856 Singh's, a chimpanzee called Roger, and all the population of San Francisco.


Blessed is Me.
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Default Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-25-2017, 01:49 PM

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a. Too many. b. No, the Earth will be recycled before they mineralize. For more information, look at Revelation chapters 8, 9, and 16.
Thanks for replying, O lifter up of my head. Psalm 3:3

I have re-read Revelation. Wow! Revelation 16:19-21 That whorish Babylonian cult really is gonna get the treatment! From all those centuries ago they've pumped out idols lies and deception. And you noticed all along, defending their freewill but soon now preparing to flatten them with 130lb hailstones? Even when they called their idols "Jesus" you allowed them time to repent. Obviously they were never predestinated for redemption Ephesians 1:4-7 but you gave them time anyway. How much love is that? That is so much love.

I will try to pay attention in future.
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Default Re: Ask Jesus: The Godliest Thread of 2017! - 12-25-2017, 06:23 PM

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Yes, I could. You're the lesser Zeke, aren't you?

Have you ever really looked at the fruit of the fig tree when it splits?



It looks just like a cooter. I had one look at the nasty thing during my birth exactly 2017 years ago. I am probably the only person dead and alive that was sentient during the passage through the birth canal. Had you seen what I saw and smelled what I smelled you'd be running around cursing figs trees, too, instead of typing simple questions in an idle manner. What is Love? It is to protect my people from the sight that could remind them of this disgusting moment in time. OK, those of you who had caesareans can enjoy an occasional fig every now and then. That's why I didn't curse all of them.
It is my Luv that protects you, Lesser Zeke.


That is one nasty looking cooter. It fig-ures. Comparatively Jesus, I thank your Father for designing my coot impeccably. After birthing sixteen soldiers for Your Army, there's still plenty of mileage, like an IBM printer. Did you have a hand in the design patent? If so, I feel truly blessed. Thank you Jesus!


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