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Default Movie Review: Anacondas 4 - 10-07-2007, 05:13 PM

We’ve been asked again to allow the Sci-Fi Channel to be broad casted on Freehold Cable TV - The only TV Jesus wants you to watch. So we in the Security Detail had to do a review of their programming. Here is a Sample.

Quote:
Anacondas 4: Anaconda Extinction.

Anacondas 4 starts off with the anaconda that is captured in Anaconda 3 spawning a race of super-anacondas that escape a research facility. The super-anacondas start breading exponentially and go on the rampage. In a quick montage humanity is overwhelmed by the super-anacondas.

The movie then cuts to post anaconda apocalypse New York City. Scene shows what’s left of the Statue of Liberty after it was crushed by a giant anaconda. David Hasselhoff is introduced as the anaconda hunter from Anaconda 3, now living with a group of ragged survivors trying to make a living in the ruins of civilizations hoping to out last the anacondas. Disaster strike when they are attacked by one of the super-anaconda that begins destroying their crops.

Hasselhoff rallies the survivors to fight the super-anaconda. His superior anaconda fighting skills help him avoid death at the fangs and coils of the anaconda but things look bleak until a Apache helicopter shows up and kills the super-anaconda with a hellfire anti-tank missile. There is a shower of bloody anaconda bits.

The helicopter lands introducing Crystal Allen and John Ryes-Davies. They explain they are part of a special anaconda hunting team. Scientists have determined all the super-anaconda’s are female except for the original that Hasseloff captured in Anacondas 3, which is the only male. Kill the male super-anaconda and the Anaconda terror ends and Hasseloff is the only man able to hunt it.

Hasseloff reluctantly agrees to join the team, expressing reservations about the limitation of modern weapons against anacondas. Ryes-Davies points out they already killed one. Hasseloff counters it was only a young, inexperienced anaconda. The special forces team moves into the ruins of Manhattan were the male super-anaconda is. Scene of ruined sky scrapers with crushed cars and human bones filling the streets (this reminded of my one of my favorite movies Terminator 2 were Jesus sends nuclear weapons and large Nordic men to punish Los Angels).

The team encounters a road block. Hasseloff warns it is a classic anaconda trick but Ryes-Davies dismisses him saying they are only snakes. As the team moves to clear the roadblock they are ambushed by anacondas. Snakes erupt from subway entrances, ruined buses and quickly overwhelm the soldiers. Ryes-Davies dies when the Apache helicopter he is flying is taken out by an anaconda leaping from a ruined building.

Haseloff rallies the few survivors and Crystal Allen to make an escape. Thanks to the anaconda lore Hasselhof learned from Amazon River Indians they escape the anaconda ambush. They are hunted threw the New York city subways and picked off one by one until they are able to leave the anaconda’s hunting territory.

Hasselhof realizes now that modern technology of machineguns, anti-tank missiles and fuel air explosives are useless against the super-anacondas, they are too clever for that. Hasselhof must use the Anaconda lore the Indian Shamans taught him in the Amazon and makes a vat snake poison. The Hof’s plan to throw the poison into the male super-anaconda’s mouth with a sling just like the Amazon Indians do to defend themselves from anaconda attacks.

Against Hasselhof’s objections Crystal Allen insists on accompany him into Manhattan. She explains before it was only for civilization, but now it is personal. They return to Manhattan and find the male has made his lair in New City Library. Hasselhof and Crystal Allen battle the snake among the book shelves. It comes clear there only is one way to get the male super-anaconda to swallow the poison and Hasselhof sacrifices himself by throwing himself into the male’s super-anaconda’s mouth.

With that the male super-anaconda explodes from the snake poison. This sets off a chain reaction killing anaconda after anaconda. The final scene is Crystal Allen leading the survivors off to Boston were there are more people still living.
Now can your see what is wrong with this? Since when does Jesus send giant snakes to destroy people? Fire, earthquakes, tornados but giant snakes? Only Satan uses snakes so we are rejecting movie as and the Sci-Fi Channel as Satanist until they clean up their act and kill people with proper Christian ways. Say a plague of giant bears.

Hope this keeps you all up to date.

YIC
BJ Tabor



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Default Re: Movie Review: Anacondas 4 - 10-07-2007, 05:23 PM

Well, the story seemed perfectly reasonable to me until they got inside the library. Then it should have become obvious that merely picking up a KJV1611 (Authorized) Bible and ordering the vile creature to HELL in God's name would have saved the day.


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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Movie Review: Anacondas 4 - 10-07-2007, 05:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
Well, the story seemed perfectly reasonable to me until they got inside the library. Then it should have become obvious that merely picking up a KJV1611 (Authorized) Bible and ordering the vile creature to HELL in God's name would have saved the day.
Exactly why we rejected this movie; too implausible from a Christian scientific view point.



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Default Re: Movie Review: Anacondas 4 - 10-07-2007, 05:47 PM

A swarm of angry bears killing an entire commune of violent hippies would make my day. I'd pay to see that.


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Default Re: Movie Review: Anacondas 4 - 10-08-2007, 12:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marshall View Post
A swarm of angry bears killing an entire commune of violent hippies would make my day. I'd pay to see that.
Amen Brother! I've always wished that they'd make an action movie epic based on 2 Kings 2:23-24. Maybe they could "update it" and take "autistic license" like they say in Hollywood, and use your idea! Glory!!

I love movies about bears killing people. On God's orders of course.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Movie Review: Anacondas 4 - 10-08-2007, 12:59 PM

I bought a video camera a few months ago. we could always make our own movie. There's lots of hippies over here. We could tell them they've won a free trip to an island, just not tell them it's Kodiak Island!


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Movie Review: Anacondas 4 - 10-09-2007, 04:30 PM

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Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Now can your see what is wrong with this? Since when does Jesus send giant snakes to destroy people? Fire, earthquakes, tornados but giant snakes?
God does send sea-serpents to kill people:

Amos 9:3 Though they hide themselves on the top of Carmel,
there I will hunt them down and seize them.
Though they hide from me at the bottom of the sea,
there I will command the serpent to bite them

But no anacondas. Unless the movie is some sort of vieled reference to giant negro body-parts trying to slither their way into innocent white women, as a warning against Barak Obama's jihad against white virginity, we don't need this movie.

I recomend instead a week-long marathon of back-to-back Gods And Generals.


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Default Re: Movie Review: Anacondas 4 - 10-09-2007, 04:40 PM

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Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
But no anacondas. Unless the movie is some sort of vieled reference to giant negro body-parts trying to slither their way into innocent white women, as a warning against Barak Obama's jihad against white virginity, we don't need this movie.

I recomend instead a week-long marathon of back-to-back Gods And Generals.
Aw yes, the Godly retelling of the life of the Great Christian Republican General Stonewall Jackson. I will forward you recommendation to the Freehold Christian Cable Committee.



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Default Re: Movie Review: Anacondas 4 - 10-19-2007, 06:36 PM

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Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
I will forward you recommendation to the Freehold Christian Cable Committee.
Thanks, that was some great viewing. What bliss to see those yankees falling under good All-American grapeshot like so many bowling pins. Serves the traitors right.

GnG is my idea of independent film. Independent from the Jews who run Hollywood. Here's William Donohue telling it like it is:




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