[Rev. M. Rodimer]

After learning about the depravities of so-called "Christian" Thomas Kinkade, who is now known to be guilty of fraud, public drunkenness, lewd behavior, and staring at Sigfield and Roy's crotches, Second Baptist of North Salem will be holding a Kinkade bonfire.

The bonfire will be held next Saturday night in the gravel overflow parking lot.

If you are unable to bring your Kinkades in person, please contact me via PM for the address to which you may send the offending paintings. Please feel free to fold or wad up mass-produced prints. For original pieces or limited edition prints, be sure to properly roll them and ship in an appropriate cardboard tube.

We will begin the event by burning the prints. Then we will have a weenie roast.

Then, we will torch a collection of Harry Potter and other evil books.

Time for dessert! We'll make s'mores over the bonfire. And toss in a few cases of Marshmallow Peeps.

Next will come the Harry Potter action figures and the Elmo dolls and toys.

Finally, we will bring out the high-value Kinkade originals, and destroy this filth!

With any luck, we will complete all of the burnings before the fire department arrives. If we are prevented from completing our task, we will sell any remaining items on eBay to raise funds for a new parsonage swimming pool.