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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-26-2011, 10:01 PM
An atheist, a Christian and a Muslim are sitting in a room. The Christian pulls out a shotgun and blows their heads off.
Gets me every time
Born To Win, Born To shine, Born To Turn Water Into Wine.
Isaiah 30:17
One thousand [shall flee] at the rebuke of one; at the rebuke of five shall ye flee: till ye be left as a BEACON upon the top of a mountain, and as an ensign on an hill.
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True Christian™
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-26-2011, 10:07 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jared Beacon
An atheist, a Christian and a Muslim are sitting in a room. The Christian pulls out a shotgun and blows their heads off.
Gets me every time
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Sounds more like something the atheist would do.
Exodus 22:20 He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed.
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-26-2011, 10:12 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Kitty
Sounds more like something the atheist would do.
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You think an atheist would have the balls to fire a gun?
Born To Win, Born To shine, Born To Turn Water Into Wine.
Isaiah 30:17
One thousand [shall flee] at the rebuke of one; at the rebuke of five shall ye flee: till ye be left as a BEACON upon the top of a mountain, and as an ensign on an hill.
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Family Man of the Year 2010-2013 About as Straight and Manly as you can get Hates anal sex. And trees.
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,323
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Protecting my children from homosexuals
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-26-2011, 10:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Kitty
Sounds more like something the atheist would do.
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Amen, Sister.
True Christians™ are never violent unless they are wearing a uniform. Even then, they only ever shoot at civilians if they are on deployment, and when they do they use Godly American M-16s and F-16s, not shotguns. Shotguns are for birds.
Muslims can only operate RPGs, AK-47s, and explosives, but they will kill anyone, especially other Muslims and their own daughters.
Atheists are monkeys so they usually just fling feces, but one might get a few rounds off a shotgun with a little luck. Therefore all shotgun murderers are atheists.
The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!
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Landover Senior Outreach Touching Men, Women and Children with the Good News!
True Christian™
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Location: Freehold Senior Estates
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-26-2011, 10:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jared Beacon
You think an atheist would have the balls to fire a gun?
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My friend, this is a thread for Good, Clean Christian Jokes. Your joke was neither good, nor clean, and now you are mentioning male genitalia in a backsass to a True Christian™ Sister, a dear friend of mine.
Please remember your place as Unsaved Trash and carefully watch both your tongue and tone when addressing your betters. This includes all Forum Members, True Christians™ and Pastors.
In Christ
Matthew 19:14 "But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven."
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The Godliest Man in Godless Canuckistan
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,391
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: America's Frozen Attic
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-26-2011, 10:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jared Beacon
You think an atheist would have the balls to fire a gun?
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Yes. 250 million dead at the hands of atheists in the last century alone.
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-26-2011, 10:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Harold Porter
My friend, this is a thread for Good, Clean Christian Jokes. Your joke was neither good, nor clean, and now you are mentioning male genitalia in a backsass to a True Christian™ Sister, a dear friend of mine.
Please remember your place as Unsaved Trash and carefully watch both your tongue and tone when addressing your betters. This includes all Forum Members, True Christians™ and Pastors.
In Christ
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Please forgive me Brother Harold. My joke was neither well thought out or suitable. I watched a Dane Cook DVD, I think his wild on the edge comedy has influenced me.
I will resort to an evening of prayer and bible reading as a cleanser to this truly embarrassing episode.
2 Kings 8:11And he settled his countenance stedfastly, until he was ashamed: and the man of God wept.
Born To Win, Born To shine, Born To Turn Water Into Wine.
Isaiah 30:17
One thousand [shall flee] at the rebuke of one; at the rebuke of five shall ye flee: till ye be left as a BEACON upon the top of a mountain, and as an ensign on an hill.
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Landover Senior Outreach Touching Men, Women and Children with the Good News!
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,237
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Freehold Senior Estates
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-26-2011, 10:41 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jared Beacon
Please forgive me Brother Harold. My joke was neither well thought out or suitable. I watched a Dane Cook DVD, I think his wild on the edge comedy has influenced me.
I will resort to an evening of prayer and bible reading as a cleanser to this truly embarrassing episode.
2 Kings 8:11And he settled his countenance stedfastly, until he was ashamed: and the man of God wept.
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Of course I forgive you, young man. Jesus Christ commands us to do so:
Matthew 18:21-22 "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."
And welcome to God's favorite forum!
In Christ
Matthew 19:14 "But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven."
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-26-2011, 10:52 PM
I am humbled by your grace brother Harold , God bless you.
Born To Win, Born To shine, Born To Turn Water Into Wine.
Isaiah 30:17
One thousand [shall flee] at the rebuke of one; at the rebuke of five shall ye flee: till ye be left as a BEACON upon the top of a mountain, and as an ensign on an hill.
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
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Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-28-2011, 08:12 PM
O'Bummer BS Bingo
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Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
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Posts: 22,745
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Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
08-31-2011, 12:59 AM
There’s a Mexican a black and a Puerto Rican in the back seat, who's driving?
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The cop.
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The Godliest Man in Godless Canuckistan
True Christian™
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: America's Frozen Attic
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My Dad's experience with a parking cop -
09-08-2011, 12:28 AM
My Dad and his wife were vacationing in Sarasota, Florida last week and enjoying a meal at a local restaurant.
When they came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. They went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored them and continued writing the ticket. Dad called him a Nazi turd. He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So his wife (my stepmom) called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more they abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Finally the cop left and my Dad called a taxi, leaving the car with the Obama bumper-sticker and the tickets all over the windshield behind.
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
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Good clean Christian jokes -
09-25-2011, 11:10 PM
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. ... The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate... Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog... Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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The Godliest Man in Godless Canuckistan
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,391
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: America's Frozen Attic
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Re: Good clean Christian jokes -
09-25-2011, 11:32 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. ... The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate... Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog... Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.
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That's not funny.. Have you been infested by a feminazi demon, Nobar?
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
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Re: Good clean Christian jokes -
09-26-2011, 03:15 AM
Usually jokes are funny because they're true. In this case men don't ever get pregnant, so the joke is funny because it's not true. They guy asked God for something he shouldn't have, and he got pregnant. How is that not funny?
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Forum Member
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Posts: 135
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Walking hand in hand with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
10-05-2011, 01:50 AM
A joo woman, a papist whore, and a Godly Christian woman were talking one day.
"I finally got my husband to cook dinner every night," the mackerel-snapping slut said with a smile.
"Gracious, how did you do that?" asked the Christian woman.
"It was easy," said the bead-rattler. "I just decided not to cook one night. Sure he complained a little on the first day, and then on the second day he ordered a pizza, but on the third day he cooked dinner and now he does it all the time."
"That's nothing!" exclaimed the jooess proudly. "I figured out a way to get my husband to do all the housework."
"Goodness, how did you manage that?" the Christian woman asked.
"It was easy," replied the Jesus-murdering harlot. "I just stopped doing it. The dishes and the laundry piled up. The first day, I couldn't see any change, and t he second day I didn't see anything either, but then my husband got fed up and washed the dishes and clothes himself, and now he does it all the time."
After some cajoling, the two heathens tempted the Christian woman into trying something similar at her own home. About two weeks later, they ran into each other again.
"So how did it go?" the godless jezebels asked the Christian.
"Alright, I think," replied the Christian. "When I got home, I sat down to watch TV, and when my husband got home, there were dirty dishes in the sink and the laundry hadn't been folded, and I hadn't even started cooking dinner."
"And then what happened?" the hell-bound whores asked.
"Well, I didn't see anything the first day, and I didn't see anything the second day...But on the third day the swelling in my left eye had gone down enough that I could see to wash the dishes!"
People killed by God in the Bible: 2,476,633
People killed by Satan in the Bible: 10
Whose side do YOU want to be on?
Constantly Praying for Temperance Proverbs 16:24
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Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,223
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Thong-infested Florida©
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
10-20-2011, 11:52 AM
The Dalai Lama walks into a Baptist-owned pizza parlor and asks, "Can you make me One with Everything?"
The owner replies, "We don't serve weirdos in pajamas."
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With faith as immovable as the Earth
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,779
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Body in England but HEART IN FREEHOLD!
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
10-20-2011, 12:04 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zechariah Smyth
The Dalai Lama walks into a Baptist-owned pizza parlor and asks, "Can you make me One with Everything?"
The owner replies, "We don't serve weirdos in pajamas."
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In the end he gets his pizza and hands over twenty dollars. He stands there for a while and then asks for his change.
The pizza guy says 'change comes from within, now piss off pajama freak'
Genesis 22:2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
I know God wouldn't let me believe in Him if He didn't exist.
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True Christian™
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Location: MIA
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
10-20-2011, 09:17 PM
If Africa had more mosquito nets, every year we could save thousands of mosquitos from dying needlessly of AIDS.
Q: How do you starve a mexican?
A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
Q: Why won't a black guy use aspirin?
A: He's too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle.
Ask not what your Lord can do for you. Ask what you can do for your Lord.
... your choice entirely (Matthew 12:30)
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 1
Join Date: Oct 2011
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Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes -
10-27-2011, 03:43 AM
knock knock... whos there? nigger... HOLY S HIT RUN!!! hahaha
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