[Old Man Hatchet]

Gentlemen, while performing my routine Neighborhood Sin Inspection©*, I was mortified to discover a young man vigorously gratifying himself to a J.C. Penney catalog. That it was a home furnishings catalog is not only disturbing but irrelevant--it doesn't matter what one tugs one's tallywacker to, because flogging one's dong is a grave enough sin in itself.

Why? Because it's gay. That's right, gay. A pecker is a pecker. It doesn't matter if it's your own. So quit jackin' the beanstalk, fellas. FACT: Lance Bass used to be straight before compulsively squeezing the cream from his Twinkie.

BEFORE


AFTER


So only touch your Johnson when urinating, guys. I personally put on a pair of industrial work gloves before doing so. They keep me from touching Hatchet Jr. and make me feel pretty darn rugged.




*Copyright 1978, Hatchet Enterprises. Neighborhood Sin Inspection (NSI) involves peering through windows, forcibly entering neighbors' houses, rummaging through their personal belongings, and helping myself to a tasty snack. NSI is not to be confused with breaking and entering, trespassing, and/or stalking.

[SUV]

Let me, once again, be the very first of the Ladies to say, I wasn't in here!

Also: I suppose using the J.C. Penney catalog beats (no pun intended) the Field & Stream that Moe uses.
This loathsome practice has given him a somewhat duck-like appearance, for some reason:



Do you suppose my own Dear Husband, Snottyduck.......? Jesus! NO!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

All True Christians™ know that if a boy touches himself, even in the shower, he is a homersexural. So just shut up about it and accept the fact that you are going to burn in HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY! "Fantasizing" about the "body parts" of female sluts is never an excuse! Since a boy is touching a male unmentionable member, that makes him HOMERSEXURAL! End of story!!

....From a lecture I often heard delivered by my late father, Pastor Lamentations Flint.

[Nobar King]

That's why I always sleep in long underwear and leave the window open. *(You wanted to know that, didn't you.)

[Mr. Jingles]

Touching one's private parts for ANY reason will result in damnation-the Lord hates an unrepentant masturbator.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

At first (after potty training) I would not let Tater touch his when he went which resulted in sprayed walls and everything else .... so now I make him sit down.

Helpful, Sister Thumper

[Bob4God]

Oh dear, this is indeed a grave transgression against nature.

Tell me, how old was this sinful young man? Was he entirely naked? Both hands or just one? What was his skin and hair like? (You can often tell how much somebody abuses themselves by the appearance of their hair and skin.)

These details will allow me to more accurately tailor my prayers for this poor, addicted, albeit virile, young man.

I hope he is able to overcome this spurt of evil in his life, before he becomes a dirty homo. Fortunately, I evaded that fate, as the last time I touched "myself" was when I was 11.

[Ebenezer Wright]

Playing with oneself is not only hated by the Lord, but I hear it also causes blindness!!

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

....From a lecture I often heard delivered by my late father, Pastor Lamentations Flint.

Lamentations????

!!!LOL!!!

I bet he got his ass kicked all throughout his childhood, huh? Wouldn't surprise me if he continued to get his ass kicked well into adulthood with a name like that.

So what bet did you mother lose to end up with a guy named Lamentations?

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

.....
So only touch your Johnson when urinating, guys. I personally put on a pair of industrial work gloves before doing so. They keep me from touching Hatchet Jr. and make me feel pretty darn rugged.
.....

Amen Brother Hatchet, if you shake it more than once during these activities you are playing with it.

[papparat]

1Sam.19

1. [9] And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul, as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand: and David played with his hand.:fe ar2:

[Old Iron Crotch]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

*Copyright 1978, Hatchet Enterprises. Neighborhood Sin Inspection (NSI) involves peering through windows, forcibly entering neighbors' houses, rummaging through their personal belongings, and helping myself to a tasty snack. NSI is not to be confused with breaking and entering, trespassing, and/or stalking.

Breaking and entering, trespassing, and stalking is EXACTLY what you're doing.
And I'll bet you bring your industrial penis-touching gloves with you in case you happen to spot one of the ladies undressing while peeping through her window.

[Deaner]

Originally Posted by Lumpy

And I'll bet you bring your industrial penis-touching gloves with you in case you happen to spot one of the ladies undressing while peeping through her window.

Wrong again sinner. Everything gets videotaped and sent to the Pastor Review Board to see if further action is required. If you would learn to keep your fat mouth shut you might get off moderation.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Lumpy

Breaking and entering, trespassing, and stalking is EXACTLY what you're doing.
And I'll bet you bring your industrial penis-touching gloves with you in case you happen to spot one of the ladies undressing while peeping through her window.

If I witness a woman in a state of undress while performing NSI©, I beat her for being a disgusting harlot who flaunts herself in the privacy of her own home. She should have the foresight to know that I am going to be gawking through her window or hiding in her closet.

[Bobby-Joe]

I am so careful about avoiding self pollution I have one of my maids on my staff take care of the actually mechanics of handling my tallywacker when I need to use the restroom. That way nothing depraved happens.

[Talitha]

Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe

I am so careful about avoiding self pollution I have one of my maids on my staff take care of the actually mechanics of handling my tallywacker when I need to use the restroom. That way nothing depraved happens.

I think It's amazing how you Menfolk can make such sacrifices.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

If I witness a woman in a state of undress while performing NSI©, I beat her for being a disgusting harlot who flaunts herself in the privacy of her own home. She should have the foresight to know that I am going to be gawking through her window or hiding in her closet.

Breaking into a peson's home and beating them up is home invasion - yet another crime you are guilty of.

And how is she flaunting herself if she's in her own home, a place where YOU have no right to be without her permission.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe

I am so careful about avoiding self pollution I have one of my maids on my staff take care of the actually mechanics of handling my tallywacker when I need to use the restroom. That way nothing depraved happens.

You don't see anything depraved about making someone else hold your penis while you urinate?

[Brother Lazarus]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

Gentlemen, while performing my routine Neighborhood Sin Inspection©*, I was mortified to discover a young man vigorously gratifying himself to a J.C. Penney catalog. That it was a home furnishings catalog is not only disturbing but irrelevant--it doesn't matter what one tugs one's tallywacker to, because flogging one's dong is a grave enough sin in itself.

Why? Because it's gay. That's right, gay. A pecker is a pecker. It doesn't matter if it's your own. So quit jackin' the beanstalk, fellas. FACT: Lance Bass used to be straight before compulsively squeezing the cream from his Twinkie.

You are an inspiration Mr. Hatchet. You stand four square against all things gay. You are a great American. You've inspired me to start my own neighborhood inspections to ensure all in my locale is true and Godly. Your place is heaven is assured.

Amen!

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Lumpy

Breaking into a peson's home and beating them up is home invasion - yet another crime you are guilty of.

And how is she flaunting herself if she's in her own home, a place where YOU have no right to be without her permission.

I have God's permission, you insufferable strumpet. I would wager--if I didn't think gambling was a sin--that every time you undress you fantasize that I am leering at you. I would also wager that you would love to move to my neighborhood so that your fantasy becomes a reality. Sorry to dash your dreams, but you'll never be able to afford my upscale neighborhood by chugging dongs for five dollars a pop.