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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
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WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptions -
03-20-2011, 12:36 AM
Spilled Seed Sperm souls go to STRAIGHT to HELL!
This is why there have been so many volcanic eruptions and Earthquakes lately. Perverts have no self control and molest themselves condemning billions - if not trillions - of souls to HELL. HELL is now so full it is over flowing!
Just imagine, all those millions japs "M'ing" and filling up HELL beneath Japan. March 11, 2011, they filled it HELL up soooo full with sperm babies it finally EXPLODED! Spewing DEMONS out everywhere!
They get into the gay food that people eat and then they make a nice cozy home in your COLON (see colon demons) causing you to become gay!
MASTURBATION WILL BE YOUR DOOM!
CALIFORNIA IS NEXT! All those actors having perverted sex, all the homers packing mud, all the lezbean clam digging..... THEY ARE NEXT!
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Confirmed Enemy of God
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 12:48 AM
Wow, again, like most people here, you are HILARIOUS!!!!
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 01:26 AM
Regarding this list of prohibited foods, I noticed that kielbasa is on there. I certainly hope this is an accident, as kielbasa is a food near and dear to my heart.
I even have a little song I like to sing before biting into one:
Kielbasa, kielbasa, it is my favorite meat/
kielbasa, kielbasa, a sausage good to eat!
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 01:27 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by serbiangirl
Wow, again, like most people here, you are HILARIOUS!!!!
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Could you please explain, Serbian Girl, exactly what it is that you find so amusing?
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With faith as immovable as the Earth
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Posts: 4,779
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Body in England but HEART IN FREEHOLD!
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 02:01 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine
Could you please explain, Serbian Girl, exactly what it is that you find so amusing?
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She will take a while to answer. She will only have one hand free to type with.
Genesis 22:2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
I know God wouldn't let me believe in Him if He didn't exist.
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Honorary True Christian™
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Location: North Salem, Indiana
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 02:29 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine
Could you please explain, Serbian Girl, exactly what it is that you find so amusing?
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It seems she finds the deaths of tens of thousands, followed by their eternal damnation, amusing.
Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
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Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 03:01 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by serbiangirl
Wow, again, like most people here, you are HILARIOUS!!!!
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You won't think I'm so hilarious when you are in HELL and all the sperm soul babies are gnawing at your flesh while a demon bends you over a lava tube and anally rapes you for hours on end.
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Recovering Bastard Head of Landover Glee Club
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Posts: 1,363
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Opening doors for little old ladies, helping the blind to see.
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 04:52 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer
It seems she finds the deaths of tens of thousands, followed by their eternal damnation, amusing.
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Serbians are MONSTERS!
I pray they get hit with an earthquake next, Praise God!
The vine is dried up, and the fig tree languisheth; the pomegranate tree, the palm tree also, and the apple tree, even all the trees of the field, are withered: because joy is withered away from the sons of men.~Joel 1:12
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True Christian™ Televangelist Director of Fundraising and Tithing On the Look Out for Wife #6!
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Posts: 8,727
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, Iowa
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 04:58 AM
The math and science is on your side, sister.
- The average unsaved scum of a man masturbates about 4 times a week, on average. Some more, some less. [Source: Special research from Pastor Ezekiel Flint]
- There are at least 63 million men in Japan. Since they are all unsaved, we can assume the 4 a week average. [Source: CIA Factbook]
- There are at least 111 million souls (sperm) released in every ejaculation. [Source: Answers.com]
Thus you have your average Nip killing 444 million (111 million sperm x 4 times a week) every week. Multiply that together with the total population, and you get the staggering number of 27,972,000,000,000,000 or nearly 28 quadrillion souls being damned to hell a week.
There are 52 weeks a year, so the nation of Japan alone murders 1,454,544,000,000,000,000 or 1.4 quintillion unborn babies a year.
Stop and think about this for a minute. Put it in perspective.
World War II killed over 60 million people, military and civilian. Japan's mass masturbatory murder is equivalent to over 24 billion World War II's a year. Or to use a visual example, if the entire death count of World War II was the size of an ant (.008 inches), these ants linked end-to-end would wrap around the entire earth 1,200 times.
It's a wonder the earthquake was only 9.1, if you ask me. If anything, this shows how merciful and loving God really is.
Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 05:08 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne
The math and science is on your side, sister.
- The average unsaved scum of a man masturbates about 4 times a week, on average. Some more, some less. [Source: Special research from Pastor Ezekiel Flint]
- There are at least 63 million men in Japan. Since they are all unsaved, we can assume the 4 a week average. [Source: CIA Factbook]
- There are at least 111 million souls (sperm) released in every ejaculation. [Source: Answers.com]
Thus you have your average Nip killing 444 million (111 million sperm x 4 times a week) every week. Multiply that together with the total population, and you get the staggering number of 27,972,000,000,000,000 or nearly 28 quadrillion souls being damned to hell a week.
There are 52 weeks a year, so the nation of Japan alone murders 1,454,544,000,000,000,000 or 1.4 quintillion unborn babies a year.
Stop and think about this for a minute. Put it in perspective.
World War II killed over 60 million people, military and civilian. Japan's mass masturbatory murder is equivalent to over 24 billion World War II's a year.
It's a wonder the earthquake was only 9.1, if you ask me. If anything, this shows how merciful and loving God really is.
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Before I became a True Christian ® I killed some 1,00,000,000,000,000. babies, Jesus forgive me.
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,984
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: San Francisco, California
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 05:12 AM
What is my moral obligation regarding nocturnal emissions? Should I view them as tragic, yet unavoidable accidents?
I've been having more and more of them lately.
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 05:24 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine
What is my moral obligation regarding nocturnal emissions? Should I view them as tragic, yet unavoidable accidents?
I've been having more and more of them lately.
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Shameful, shameful sin, my friend.
Take a look at THIS thread, which outlines effective methods for curtailing such pervertions.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,984
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 05:37 AM
Thank you Pastor Ezekiel, but I think there may have been some misunderstanding. When I speak of nocturnal emissions, I don't mean to imply that I am inappropriately touching myself; I am talking about the phenomenon which is colloquially referred to as a "wet dream," and which happens when a man is asleep and presumably not touching himself.
I know that the secular humanist scientists would have us believe this is a perfectly natural occurrence, but I suspect it is the work of succubi.
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Honorary True Christian™
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 05:44 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine
Thank you Pastor Ezekiel, but I think there may have been some misunderstanding. When I speak of nocturnal emissions, I don't mean to imply that I am inappropriately touching myself; I am talking about the phenomenon which is colloquially referred to as a "wet dream," and which happens when a man is asleep and presumably not touching himself.
I know that the secular humanist scientists would have us believe this is a perfectly natural occurrence, but I suspect it is the work of succubi.
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If you were married and working toward impregnating your wife with a Soldier for Christ, you'd not have to worry about these nocturnal emissions, now would you?
Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Recovering Bastard Head of Landover Glee Club
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,363
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Opening doors for little old ladies, helping the blind to see.
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 09:06 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine
Thank you Pastor Ezekiel, but I think there may have been some misunderstanding. When I speak of nocturnal emissions, I don't mean to imply that I am inappropriately touching myself; I am talking about the phenomenon which is colloquially referred to as a "wet dream," and which happens when a man is asleep and presumably not touching himself.
I know that the secular humanist scientists would have us believe this is a perfectly natural occurrence, but I suspect it is the work of succubi.
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It's still a sin!
So is "sleep murdering" when you get up and sleep walk in your sleep and sleep chop people up into pieces!
Even if you did it in your sleep, it's still wrong!
Otherwise whenever somebody did something bad they'd just say they were sleeping and get away with it, liars!
The vine is dried up, and the fig tree languisheth; the pomegranate tree, the palm tree also, and the apple tree, even all the trees of the field, are withered: because joy is withered away from the sons of men.~Joel 1:12
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With faith as immovable as the Earth
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,779
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Body in England but HEART IN FREEHOLD!
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 09:40 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine
Thank you Pastor Ezekiel, but I think there may have been some misunderstanding. When I speak of nocturnal emissions, I don't mean to imply that I am inappropriately touching myself; I am talking about the phenomenon which is colloquially referred to as a "wet dream," and which happens when a man is asleep and presumably not touching himself.
I know that the secular humanist scientists would have us believe this is a perfectly natural occurrence, but I suspect it is the work of succubi.
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I believe that Deutoronomy 23:10 may help.
If there be among you any man, that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by night, then shall he go abroad out of the camp, he shall not come within the camp:
11But it shall be, when evening cometh on, he shall wash himself with water: and when the sun is down, he shall come into the camp again.
So you have to get away from everyone else for a while. I was thinking of lending you my sleeping bag but on second thoughts maybe not.
YiC
Jack
Genesis 22:2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
I know God wouldn't let me believe in Him if He didn't exist.
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 10:17 AM
But in the thread on how to avoid touching oneself, it clearly states that I should spend as little time as possible bathing. It also states that I should avoid being alone as much as possible.
I think going to a camping trip by myself would just be begging for trouble.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 11:09 AM
Masturbation is the best seriously it's amazing, be it in the shower, a public toilet, at the back of math class, sometimes I let my girlfriend do it for me, noting beats a good wank.
Posted via Mobile Device
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 11:30 AM
I suppose you think it's funny to say things like that, Johnny. Well I suggest you have as much fun as you like saying such vile things, and say those things as much as you can while you still can.
Why?
Because it's going to be mighty difficult to say anything when the Creator of the universe rips your filthy tongue out of your head before casting you into the eternal lake of fire!
He will probably rip your hands off too, so don't go thinking you'll be able to pleasure yourself in Hell, 'cause it ain't happenin' brother.
Oh, you'll still have your peas and carrot, and you'll probably be fully tumescent and in a state of constant lust the whole time you're down there (which will be a very long time; look up "eternity" in the dictionary), only you won't be able to do anything about it!
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
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With faith as immovable as the Earth
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,779
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Body in England but HEART IN FREEHOLD!
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Re: WARNING! Masturbation Causes EarthQuakes and Volcanic Eruptio -
03-20-2011, 11:58 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnnycomelately
Masturbation is the best seriously it's amazing, be it in the shower, a public toilet, at the back of math class, sometimes I let my girlfriend do it for me, noting beats a good w**k.
Posted via Mobile Device
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Mathew 18:8
Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.
Genesis 22:2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
I know God wouldn't let me believe in Him if He didn't exist.
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