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Default Appropriate Christian Gifts - 12-06-2018, 03:36 PM

I was having coffee at the Freehold Senior Center yesterday when a lady asked me, "What is a proper gift a Christian gives others at Christmas?"

That is a great question and I had a good visit with her. I think one first has to decide if the person receiving your gift is a True Christian™ or not. If the person is not a True Christian™ then it is obvious improvement is needed. The gift should send that message.

I told the lady that if she is gifting a sinner, that person needs to know he/she is headed for an eternity in hell. Such a person would benefit from one of the hundreds of crosses for sale at Hobby Lobby. Of course, a King James Bible will bring them to Jesus.

Maybe a fashion statement with a message would be right for some people. I'm not sure I helped the lady--if others have ideas they would be appreciated:




Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Appropriate Christian Gifts - 12-08-2018, 10:37 PM

Back when my husband was still alive, he generously gave me a spanking with his Bible and a Hoover vacuum.


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Default Re: Appropriate Christian Gifts - 12-09-2018, 04:14 AM

For sinners on your list, you can still buy an early printing of the book that will set that sinner on the right path:



Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Appropriate Christian Gifts - 12-09-2018, 05:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson View Post
Back when my husband was still alive, he generously gave me a spanking with his Bible and a Hoover vacuum.
He spanked you with a vacuum? Somehow, that doesn't sound very efficient.

Anyway, prayers. Prayers are the best gifts for any occasion. Here are some reasons:
1) You can never go wrong with a gift of prayer - everyone can use them.
2) You won't waste your precious time by going to a store or browsing online, choosing the product, comparing prices, etc.
3) Prayers are cheap. And by cheap, I actually mean FREE - you don't lose anything except for a minute of your time by offering a gift of prayer.

Hence, prayers are what all of you guys and gals are receiving from me for Christmas! Except for Pastor Zeke, of course. A substantial Christmas tithe and a couple of gold-tone leather chairs are already on their way!


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Default Re: Appropriate Christian Gifts - 12-09-2018, 05:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Hence, prayers are what all of you guys and gals are receiving from me for Christmas! Except for Pastor Zeke, of course. A substantial Christmas tithe and a couple of gold-tone leather chairs are already on their way!


Nice, quite nice.

Not thrilling.

You've gotta understand that in DC frequenting the banquets with Donald, I need to have some high-quality accessories to mingle with the jetset sinners who need my sermons. For starters you need to tithe a bit more and get me my platinum iPhone8 unique edition. It's only in the four-figure prizes so I'm not demanding anything expensive.


Also, my stash of edible gold that I really need to treat my stomach that is upset because of the sodomites really needs replenishing. Act on it, capische? There's only so much good looks and health that I want to bother Jesus with, some of my prayer time has to allocated to save the sinners from the flames of Hell!.



Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Appropriate Christian Gifts - 12-09-2018, 12:20 PM

The best gifts you can give to anyone are those gifts you give to God to appease Him. Giving to God to others Shows Jesus just how much you care. Instead of specifying anything, lest a individual feels ignored or singled out, just make a very large single gift to the GPDF ( General Pastor Discretionary Fund). You can whisper into anyone's ear "I made a gift to God especially for you". You can also write it off of your taxes, possibly more than once.
I personally enjoy the gift of fellowship say at the Landover Men's club in the steam room during a vigorous sharing of Gods turgid love or a rebuking of sinners down by the river with not another person around for fifty miles.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Appropriate Christian Gifts - 12-09-2018, 01:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
For sinners on your list, you can still buy an early printing of the book that will set that sinner on the right path:

Or a DVD of the movie with Paul Newman and Steve McQueen.




Ec:7:16: Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?

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Default Re: Appropriate Christian Gifts - Yesterday, 06:53 AM

Looking for a stocking stuffer for your favorite sinner? Pick up a recording of Krzysztof Penderecki's opera "Paradise Lost". A victim of lifelong demons in his rectum, Penderecki's demons manage to make it to the pages of his score - leaving the listener with a fresh view of an eternity in Hell like no other. Beyond tedious and tiresome, the listener will be heading to the closest Bible (KJV1611) in short order in a manner that could not have been imagined by Milton.



Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
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