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Default The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge! - 12-05-2018, 06:10 PM

The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge!

Several of the Pastors who are my age remember the great and lasting pleasure that this simple challenge brought in their childhood years and so it has been agreed that it will be re-introduced

All literate children up to the age of 10 years old may enter. The rules are simple.

  1. The child must, in secret, create a list of things they want from Santa, and a separate secret list of things they want from Jesus.
  2. The child must then go somewhere where they can be alone and read out the list.
  3. A copy of the list and the $50 entrance fee* should then be placed with the duty Pastor.
  4. The Santa list should start with “Dear Santa” and end politely “Thank you <insert name of child>.”
  5. The Jesus list should start with “Dear Jesus” and end politely “Hear my prayer <insert name of child>.”
  6. Both lists should contain items available in the mall or online that also comply with
Matthew 6:19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
7. On Christmas Day, the child should compare his copy of both lists with what he has actually received, and then send the results to the duty Pastor.
For example, the lack of an iPhone 9 from the Santa list will show that Santa is not real, whereas the lack of an iPhone 9 from Jesus will merely mean that parental Christian instruction has been woefully inadequate.

A lack of “Humility” from the Santa list will show that Santa is not real, whereas a lack of “Humility” from Jesus will demonstrate (i) that Jesus has said “Yes” but is waiting until the child can fully comprehend its meaning, or (ii) that humility has been granted but “in secret” or (iii) that parental Christian instruction has been woefully inadequate.
8. The results of the Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge (and your child’s position within that challenge) will be announced on Dec. 31st at all main Services.
The New Year will begin with an opportunity for failing parents who wish to remain members of the congregation to join the “Christian Parenting Classes”. The fees are “to be announced” but will be broadly in line with the actual costs.


*To go to good causes as defined in but not restricted to paragraphs 2278 – 4490 of the Church’s Constitution (as amended) where applicable and where State or National Law allows.




Ec:7:16: Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?

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Jesus' eternal love Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge! - 12-06-2018, 06:07 AM

Ho ho ho! It's Santa here! Bathy-boy, what a challenge! You are having a bit of a tantrum, aren't you sweet baby boy! The premise for your challenge is false. You presume that I would deliver whatever a child asks me to. I don't. I deliver according to works, being nice or naughty. The algorithm to calculate the intricate balance between these two extremes determines what the child will receive. It might be an iPhone but it might be something much more fun and eventually nicer. I deliver what you need, not necessarily what you crave.



Of course, regarding your challenge you'll be able to obtain any predetermined result that you're craving for. As for your naughtiness level, I'd be careful if I were you, Ezzie-babyboy, my verbose manchild! You don't have to believe in me, I can still watch you and at the moment what you're gonna get is...



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge! - 12-06-2018, 09:47 AM

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Originally Posted by Santa Claus View Post
Ho ho ho! It's Santa here! Bathy-boy, what a challenge! You are having a bit of a tantrum, aren't you sweet baby boy!
If that is how you see "Speaking God's Word" the so be it! The Lord and I take another view.
Quote:
The premise for your challenge is false. You presume that I would deliver whatever a child asks me to. I don't. I deliver according to works,

A Catlick, eh?
Quote:
being nice or naughty.

Judge not lest ye be judged! (I'd ask you if that rang a bell, but as you are one of the pope's minions, and the Bible is a closed book to you, it won't!)
Quote:
The algorithm
Algorithm? Algorithm? I thought all of those were drowned in the flood along with dinosaurs!
Quote:
It might be an iPhone but it might be something much more fun and eventually nicer. I deliver what you need, not necessarily what you crave.
Quote:



Oh so you're the one who gave those cans to my brother back in '52! Let me tell you that they cut his ear open, sepsis set in and he was known as "One-eared Hezekiah" from then on! Damn well ruined his life you did! Hope you're pleased with yourself!


Quote:
Of course, regarding your challenge you'll be able to obtain any predetermined result that you're craving for. As for your naughtiness level, I'd be careful if I were you, Ezzie-babyboy, my verbose manchild! You don't have to believe in me, I can still watch you and at the moment what you're gonna get is...
Quote:

Coal? I own a mine of the stuff! Well, at least you reject the Socialist propaganda of Global Warming - perhaps you're not beyond Salvation.


One more thing while you're there! Where're you getting all you cheap presents? China? Wait until Mr Trump's tariffs bite. Buy American! A sack of coal is a practical present for anyone!




Ec:7:16: Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?

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Jesus' eternal love Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge! - 12-06-2018, 12:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
Oh so you're the one who gave those cans to my brother back in '52! Let me tell you that they cut his ear open, sepsis set in and he was known as "One-eared Hezekiah" from then on! Damn well ruined his life you did! Hope you're pleased with yourself!

One more thing while you're there! Where're you getting all you cheap presents? China? Wait until Mr Trump's tariffs bite. Buy American! A sack of coal is a practical present for anyone!
Ezzie boy! Of course it was I who gave that awesome present to Hezzie! But, as your lot tends to say - guns don't kill, people do. Similarly, my nice plastic deliveries do not harm, incompetent naughty kids do! I've been wondering how come your folks did not pray for young Hezzie's ear to be healed or did they but weren't answered? Or was the answer "no"? You also need to grow up, young boy, you've only barely started to grow a beard!

Anyway, I have a challenge to you!

I know the Bible and, at the end, the authors gives the impression that the adventures of the protagonist would soon continue. Well, we've been expecting the sequel for a couple of millennia and it's always gonna be "next year" or the "one after that". Here's the challenge: I promise to visit many many homes at Christmas as my umpteenth coming. If anyone sees me and takes a photo, I win. If Jesus comes back with as reliable evidence, you win. In that case, I'll deliver you a hot garden bath over fire!



Ho ho ho! Darling boy, ain't he cute when he's angry or having an emotional outburst, just like his great-granddad all those years ago in Bath, Good ol' England, where he was in the fire brigade and managed t


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge! - 12-06-2018, 10:17 PM

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Ezzie boy! Of course it was I who gave that awesome present to Hezzie! But, as your lot tends to say - guns don't kill, people do. Similarly, my nice plastic deliveries do not harm, incompetent naughty kids do!
The NRA run gun safety courses – give me the address of your “tin-can telephone” safety course, y’ old psychopath!
Quote:
I've been wondering how come your folks did not pray for young Hezzie's ear to be healed or did they but weren't answered?
Crack open your Bible sometime! When Jesus did the miracle of the chopped off ear, it was a clean cut! I’ve done that a few times myself. Poor Hezekiah’s ear went a yellowish, greenish color and was cut off by my father as the demon infestation didn’t warrant the effort and expense of an exorcism!

I can still hear his screams as the demons were removed with his ear. I think you’ve ruined the peace of Christmas for me!
Quote:
Anyway, I have a challenge to you!

I know the Bible and, at the end, the authors gives the impression that the adventures of the protagonist would soon continue. Well, we've been expecting the sequel for a couple of millennia and it's always gonna be "next year" or the "one after that". Here's the challenge: I promise to visit many many homes at Christmas as my umpteenth coming. If anyone sees me and takes a photo, I win. If Jesus comes back with as reliable evidence, you win. In that case, I'll deliver you a hot garden bath over fire!
You have a strange view of Christianity. If Jesus says He’s coming back, then He’s coming back. Unlike the slew of other, so-called gods and heroes who “say” they’ll come back Jesus has done it once before so there’s no technical problems.

There is, I admit, one theological problem: “Jesus will come back like a thief in the night”, i.e. when we least expect it. There are 7 billion of us on this planet, and if everyone thought He would come back on different days, then He couldn’t come back on any of those days, this would delay His return for about 20 million years – a situation that cannot be tolerated.

Back in the day (IIRC it was in 1949) Lamentations Flint ordered every date from that date until 2500 to be written on a piece of paper. All the pieces were put in a huge box in a very dark room. Lamentations Flint went into the room, delved into the box under the inspiration of God, and took one date from them all. He placed the piece of paper with the date into a small box and locked it. The huge box and its contents were then burned and the box place in the moist secure safe in the most secure vault at Landover Church.

That is the date upon which Jesus will return. But nobody knows it.

Your photo idea is stupid: I saw a Darkie last year dressed as you – nobody goes around dressed as Jesus.




Ec:7:16: Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?

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Jesus' eternal love Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge! - 12-07-2018, 02:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
Back in the day (IIRC it was in 1949) Lamentations Flint ordered every date from that date until 2500 to be written on a piece of paper. All the pieces were put in a huge box in a very dark room. Lamentations Flint went into the room, delved into the box under the inspiration of God, and took one date from them all. He placed the piece of paper with the date into a small box and locked it. The huge box and its contents were then burned and the box place in the moist secure safe in the most secure vault at Landover Church.

That is the date upon which Jesus will return. But nobody knows it.
Bathy darling,
It was 1948. I do remember it correctly. You have just the tiniest touch of old Alzies, don't you? And it was I who gave him both the big box and the small box but it was Jesus who gave the smallpox to those members of the household that had neglected the vaccinations and also managed to avoid the bovine intimacy that would have given them the protection of the cowpox. Considering the many, many interactions between cattle and the Flint household young men that was still surprisingly many. Those were the days. Happy memories.

Anyway. The small box. I manufactured it, delivered it and I always always have spare keys in case there's desperate customer feedback. I asked one of my elfs to look into the box.


I am sorry to tell you that the date - unsurprisingly - has expired.

Eze-muffin. There was never any challenge. There's lots more actual material tangible evidence about me than about Jesus. I know that your lot is high on eyewitness testimony. I have billions. Jesus has hearsay and expired appeals to authority that you call the Book. My evidence is in every single tacky piece of plastic action figures and household appliances and unmentionably transparent lingerie and every single package soon to be delivered. I know that this is bad news to you and I am merciful. Here's an extra gift en attendant someone else who could wipe your tears.



Ho ho ho!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge! - 12-07-2018, 11:04 PM

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Bathy darling,
It was 1948. I do remember it correctly.
Nope – I would have remembered that: ’48 is still known today as The Year of Abominations:
  1. Truman abolished segregation in the Military;
  2. Satan’s Handmaiden Margaret Sanger introduce “The Planned Parenthood Federation” and
  3. Alfred Kinsey published Sexual Behavior in the Human Male.

You can have no concept of the spiritual turmoil and suffering of having to live through such times: Darkies being taught to march outside a parade through New Orleans; having to cope with women wanting to prevent new life, and children as young as 18 furtively leafing through that evil tome!

The Jews thought they had it bad a few years earlier, but ours was a living death and many souls were lost to Satan.

All the world’s ills flowed directly from these. It was ’49.

Quote:
bovine intimacy that would have given them the protection of the cowpox.
We were far-sighted – vaccination gives you foot-and mouth and often makes people left-handed – We had a Pastor here that proved it, a Belgian guy by the name of “Wide-Open” (probably a translation), who was particularly gifted in these things and others – He was persecuted nearly to death and it took years for scientist to admit the truth!

Quote:
Anyway. The small box. I manufactured it, delivered it and I always always have spare keys in case there's desperate customer feedback. I asked one of my elves to look into the box.
Yes, we were always aware of that and swapped it out. We know the 'elf' was a drunken Latvian dwarf in red and green costume plus hat with a bell on. He was under constant surveillance from his arrival in the US. I know where he is now - living in Minneapolis and working as an Uber driver.

Quote:
I am sorry to tell you that the date - unsurprisingly - has expired.
We had a party that day, and laughed…

Quote:
There's lots more actual material tangible evidence about me than about Jesus.
Really? You’ve got 66 books describing your pedigree from Creation? I must read them sometime.
Quote:
I know that your lot is high on eyewitness testimony. I have billions. Jesus has hearsay and expired appeals to authority that you call the Book.
The way I see it is that if there had been anything wrong with the Bible, someone would have noticed it by now.
Quote:
My evidence is in every single tacky piece of plastic action figures and household appliances and unmentionably transparent lingerie and every single package soon to be delivered.
All previously available in WalMart – Well, I’m impressed... you've no idea how impressed.

Tell me

  • Where did all that food come from for the feeding of the 4/5,000?
  • How did the water turn into wine.
  • If Jesus is not the Son of God, how come he died and came back?

Here’s something to for you to drink: I’ve more available if you’re still suffering delusions.


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Ec:7:16: Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?

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Jesus' eternal love Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge! - 12-08-2018, 12:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
Yes, we were always aware of that and swapped it out. We know the 'elf' was a drunken Latvian dwarf in red and green costume plus hat with a bell on. He was under constant surveillance from his arrival in the US. I know where he is now - living in Minneapolis and working as an Uber driver.
My Baby. Is all this nonsense just because you were so disappointed in the early fifties when you - once again - sat on my lap and were so upset when your scheme to "expose" me (by removing my beard that your parents thought was fake) did not work out? You were a cute child. What happened?

Anyway, I anticipated your anticipation of our visit and the Latvian fellow was only a decoy. Moreover, we have anticipated your anticipation that we would have anticipated your move - we are at least 3-4 anticipations ahead, so the fact remains: Lamentably Flint Elder's data expired years ago.

Quote:
  • Where did all that food come from for the feeding of the 4/5,000?
Who's the one here bearing gifts?
Quote:
  • How did the water turn into wine.

Quote:
  • If Jesus is not the Son of God, how come he died and came back?
I did mention hearsay and unconfirmed eyewitness reports, didn't I?
Quote:
Here’s something to for you to drink: I’ve more available if you’re still suffering delusions.


reality
You're such a darling, Ezzie-boy. 'Tis too seldom when my humans give me something in return. I always appreciate their gifts, although you should realize that me and my (I have to admit) pal Jesus don't do too well when it comes to reality. For being so nice I have an additional present for you this Christmas. You need it.



Ho Howdy Ho!

Ho.


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge! - 12-08-2018, 04:58 PM

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Originally Posted by Santa Claus View Post
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Yes, we were always aware of that and swapped it out. We know the 'elf' was a drunken Latvian dwarf in red and green costume plus hat with a bell on.
Anyway, I anticipated your anticipation of our visit and the Latvian fellow was only a decoy...
Another fantasist… I see them all the time – people who believe simply because they say so or someone else has said something. I prescribe intravenous KJV1611, although I’m led to believe you would prefer it inserted somewhere else…
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Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
  • Where did all that food come from for the feeding of the 4/5,000?
Who's the one here bearing gifts?
Name three people who have received bread and fish for Xmas…

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Originally Posted by Santa Claus View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
  • If Jesus is not the Son of God, how come he died and came back?
I did mention hearsay and unconfirmed eyewitness reports, didn't I?
Straight into my trap! Ha!

And is not “science so-called” merely “hearsay and unconfirmed eyewitness reports”?

Some scientist without a moral compass amuses himself and serves Satan (or Santa) by trolling the ignorant… and you swallow it whole because you hate Jesus!

I have no idea why you are showing pictures of a plastic brain… You would do better to speak of the “heart” and the “bowels” and the “reins”:
Psalms:73:21: Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins.
Jer:4:19: My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war.


I have a full complement of all of those – I’m not so sure about you.


____________________________________________

Look, "Santa" or whoever you are, the math is against you. The Sons of Adam number 7 billion upon the face of the earth. As was foretold, we are as numerous as the stars in the sky!

And the weak of faith Christian (we will assume that all are Christian, for that is how all mankind is born) gives and receives, say 5 presents - that's 35 Billion presents to be delivered in 24 hours.

That's 1.5 Billion an hour at 1,000mph. You start off with a sleigh that has to weigh 150,000 ton laden, and you've not even climbed down a chimney yet!

One moment's thought would lead us to the conclusion of "Only God could do that!" But He doesn't need to because He has given us the Ultimate Gift of Salvation!

So, you are either God, or you are delusional! As you reject God, and God does not reject Himself (In fact, He spends most of the Bible affirming Himself!) then there is only one conclusion.

Which shade of straight-jacket do you prefer and are you size XXXXL?




Ec:7:16: Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?

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Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Santa Claus is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Jesus' eternal love Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge! - Today, 07:45 AM

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Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
Look, "Santa" or whoever you are, the math is against you. The Sons of Adam number 7 billion upon the face of the earth. As was foretold, we are as numerous as the stars in the sky!

And the weak of faith Christian (we will assume that all are Christian, for that is how all mankind is born) gives and receives, say 5 presents - that's 35 Billion presents to be delivered in 24 hours.

That's 1.5 Billion an hour at 1,000mph. You start off with a sleigh that has to weigh 150,000 ton laden, and you've not even climbed down a chimney yet!
Baby boy, you're partly correct and your math is not too skewed. Verily, it's a miracle that I'm able to deliver all that. However, you missed the Japanese and Chinese who don't have the Jesus Faith but still rely on my delivery.

I can now see a problem. You seem to expect that I require Faith. I don't. I only assess the naughty/nice-axis. Regardless of the Faith I deliver. This is the main difference between me and Jesus. Nor am I planning to appear at an unexpected point of time and start destroying the environment by polluting the waters and by delivering poisonous locust-scorpion hybrids. I deliver plastic toys, games, videos, frying pans, robotic vacuum cleaners, gift baskets and stuff, not vials of wrath.

That is why there never was any challenge. Instead of an insecure eternity, people turn to action figures painted with tacky colors. Wouldn't you just love a present depicted below? I bet you would, Ezzie, my runny-nosed superboy !





Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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