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Ezekiel Bathfire Ezekiel Bathfire is offline
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Default Promoting a Healing Ministry - 04-30-2015, 12:06 PM

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After Pastor Melba died of a snake bite, the Healing Ministry side of things has taken a bit of a hit, so I’m off to put a few of these about the place.

Apparently a Healing Ministry is all the rage at substantial churches like Landover. After all, Jesus cured almost everything and said that we could too, so we don’t really have a problem with this.

A lot of unimaginative churches concentrate on those who are beset by demons of the mind – this has proven very successful in increasing attendance because people always like to see the severely deluded in a safe environment having their delusions publicly demonstrated. Better still, there’s no come-back on this where an exorcism doesn’t take, and often this failure is entirely down to the lack of faith of the persons who brought the batshit guy along.

This goes for queers too: a good prayer from a competent pastor will stop homersexes in their tracks, lezbeans and nancy-boys alike.

In addition to this, I’m thinking of mid-week show/service or perhaps an hour’s guest slot on a Saturday for a pastor with a bit of charisma to go for the bigger stuff: cancer, diabetes, blindness, deaf, arthritis, the Aids (ex-queers only), failed liver, kidneys, etc. etc. (details to be decided later, although I think we should avoid amputated limbs for the time being.) If it goes well, we can promote it to a Sunday.

Don’t be put off by the “Lack of Funds” part. That thing that looks like two lines at the bottom of the flyer is technical wording by our Jew lawyers: the usual terms and conditions and offering finance, etc.Don't worry - have faith - all will be well.


It would help if you could all look around the congregation to find a few lesser-known faces who’ll be available for “curing”. These will be demonstrations only, so they ought to be fit and healthy to start with – we want to show people what success looks like rather than taking them through the tedious business of endless prayer/fasting/ touching, etc. It’ll also be good practice for one or two of the pastors.

If possible, I’d rather avoid the “Ah, I see one leg is longer than the other” trick – too many people know that, but if you have any other thoughts, let me know. At the moment, the switchboard is told to simply inquire as to the disability/disease and take names, addresses and any assets for future reference.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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