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Default Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 12:13 PM

I am filling out my application to Landover's local university and wondered if it implements virginity checks. As a virgin myself, I find this value to be extremely important to me and I do not want to be in the same classrooms as liars or cavorting sluts.

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.


I would hope that for the applicants who are found to be defiled are put to a public shaming ceremony so they may learn they committed a sin. We had virginity checks once a month at my high school and the process would actually be very simple. The principal would call each student individually down to his office and all he'd asks is for you to pull down your bloomers so that he and the nurse could inspect your no-no parts for integrity. I am proud to say I have a perfect Straight A-bstinence record. I remember one girl who claimed she was raped by her father because she failed inspection. Likely story
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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 03:19 PM

Well dear, Freehold is a gated community that exists to support God through supporting Landover Baptist Church, through our esteemed Pastor Zeke. Landover Baptist Church has been named "Most Select Church In America" by U.S. News and World Report, "Now Harder To Get Into Than Harvard." One does not simply tender an application to the accompanying University. One is invited. One would naturally pray for such an honor. One's salvation would first be guaranteed by the DoF, rendering any question about their character moot. Continue to serve Jesus, dear, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 04:09 PM

I didn't know the University even allowed women, Sister Mary, except in very, very exceptional circumstances.

I wonder where this young lady got the application form she claims to be completing. I'd be very surprised indeed if they were available to outsiders, especially because (as you say) they don't exist! Maybe she wants to join the domestic staff? I believe there are forms for that.


Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 04:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
I didn't know the University even allowed women, Sister Mary, except in very, very exceptional circumstances.
Oh my goodness, you make a good point, Sister. I never thought of it, having home educated all my daughters to be keepers of the home, not some Prada wearing CEO slut. No offence to Maxine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
I wonder where this young lady got the application form she claims to be completing. I'd be very surprised indeed if they were available to outsiders, especially because (as you say) they don't exist! Maybe she wants to join the domestic staff? I believe there are forms for that.

Are there? I would have thought the Mexicans simply populated their janitorial staff with those baby-daddy-babies they schlep around with them wherever they go. Lord knows they've got enough of them.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 05:06 PM

I apologize. I have recently begun the time of the month where I bleed and the excessive blood loss has been making me stupid. This application I have in my hand is for Liberty University.
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Grammar Nazi Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 05:11 PM

I've seen applications offered on line by various gook and sand nigra scammers. They even sell passports and other sorts of identification. You can easily tell they are not bonafide, they do not provide JJV Bibles. The real deal comes in a brown paper package, hand addressed by Miss Cookie.


I am not sure I'd trust a stranger to do a virginity check, in fact, I'd not allow it to be done to any of my children without my supervision or a Pastor of Landover. I've found, if a person is not completely familiar with someone, it is easy to misunderstand. True Christians™ are all about understanding.

Who better than a Father or a Pastor of Landover to confirm a daughters purity or a sons penile excursions?


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Bible Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 05:19 PM

It is my privilege to inform you that the LBU campus is very progressive. Women may indeed apply. With substantial titheing scedules and permission by a senior household man, obviously. Women can sometimes even gain degrees in household chores, embroidery, macramé and servant discipline. Our classes for women are conducted under strictly Biblical curricula as follows:

1 Timothy 2:11
Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.

In fact, the female classes are quite a pleasure to teach as it is the one occasion when the girls are totally silent. Any misdemeanor regarding this code obviously leads to expulsion.

Our graduates have often gained well-established wealthy husbands. Any True Christian™ girl between the ages of 12-15 may apply and most graduate within four years, just ripe for marriage. Dr. Niles's Department would know about virginity tests. However, usually these are checked with prayer and testimonials of household elders.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer


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Stove Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 06:08 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elmer G. White View Post
It is my privilege to inform you that the LBU campus is very progressive. Women may indeed apply. With substantial titheing scedules and permission by a senior household man, obviously. Women can sometimes even gain degrees in household chores, embroidery, macramé and servant discipline. Our classes for women are conducted under strictly Biblical curricula as follows:

1 Timothy 2:11
Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.

In fact, the female classes are quite a pleasure to teach as it is the one occasion when the girls are totally silent. Any misdemeanor regarding this code obviously leads to expulsion.

Our graduates have often gained well-established wealthy husbands. Any True Christian™ girl between the ages of 12-15 may apply and most graduate within four years, just ripe for marriage. Dr. Niles's Department would know about virginity tests. However, usually these are checked with prayer and testimonials of household elders.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer
Ah, so it is a separate 'school' sort of like Bryn Mawr, where the weaker gender (s-e-x) goes to find a husband and provide her family much needed relief from female hysteria.



I would not know about this sort of thing, my wife (you may recall her, I barely do, Mrs. Hutchins) managed the females in the house, I really could be bothered, what with all the cacking and empty headed things they'd say and do.


I'm very impressed that someone has taken the somewhat useless task of dealing with females.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 06:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Hutchins View Post
Ah, so it is a separate 'school' sort of like Bryn Mawr, where the weaker gender (s-e-x) goes to find a husband and provide her family much needed relief from female hysteria.



I would not know about this sort of thing, my wife (you may recall her, I barely do, Mrs. Hutchins) managed the females in the house, I really could be bothered, what with all the cacking and empty headed things they'd say and do.


I'm very impressed that someone has taken the somewhat useless task of dealing with females.
Alas, Brother Hutchins, the student body at Bryn Mawr in recent decades is filled with odd-minded young women looking for jobs in science and hoping to win the attention of the "BDOC". (I hesitate to explain exactly what is meant by that.)


The young women of Wellesley are still interested in obtaining husbands as I understand it. I have been told that they shave their legs and underarms; whereas Bryn Mawr women only shave their heads.


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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 07:15 PM

I have recently asked to be placed under the tutelage of Miss Dolli as per my father's request so that I may be a suitable wife for my future husband (whoever that may be). I'm not sure how that is going so far though. I don't believe in being a breadwinner in my future household as I would never want to upset my husband (Also going along with the fact that I am of the weaker gender whose mood may be swayed by hormones easily).
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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 07:29 PM

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Originally Posted by BibleReader2231 View Post
I have recently asked to be placed under the tutelage of Miss Dolli...
Oh dear. Dolli has a, well shall we say, less that stellar reputation with the Lord thy God who continues to pluck her hapless children away from her faster than a homer in a Target bathroom. But do what you want, of course.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 08:02 PM

In all honesty, given that the previous offer has been at a standstill, may I ask you Miss Mary for tutelage on how to be a good future wife for my future husband (whoever that may be)? You seem like a nice Christian lady whom Jesus smiles upon more than almost all the other women in the world.
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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 08:05 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleReader2231 View Post
I have recently asked to be placed under the tutelage of Miss Dolli
Assuming you're referring to Dolli Moans, I thought she was a married woman? She has certainly referred to a Mr Moans, though I suppose that could be her father. But I have paid very little attention, being too busy, so I could be mistaken.

By the way, dear, re your post above:

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleReader2231 View Post
content deleted in the interests of good taste
First, please remember where you are: this is the General Church Fellowship area, and our menfolk do not wish to read that sort of thing. If you absolutely must over-share information about the discarded lining of your still vacant womb, Auntie Flo's Prayer Shack is the place to do it.

And secondly, if that sort of thing is happening to you at your young age, you should perhaps seek medical attention.


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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-06-2018, 09:15 PM

I am afraid I am going to have to do an intervention here, ladies. This girl is clearly misplaced, poorly educated and if her father is really a True Christian wannabe, his work with this child only demonstrates he is going straigth to Hell.

Of course, it may not be completely on the father's side, as women tend to be seduced by the devil the minute they are left alone. And a man has things to do, so we cannot blame him entirely for this poor excuse for a girl.


Child, if you want to get married to a good True Christian, what you should do is:


1) Start reading the Bible, from beginning to end. The minute a TC Man sees a girl posting Bible quotes and not only questions, questions, questions, that minute the girl becomes interesting to him.


Romans 15:4 - For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.



2 Timothy 3:16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:



2) Refrain from your attempts to invade Landover. They have standards there. Even myself, a TC, cannot go to live or study there because of my former race.


Leviticus 19:19 - Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.



Daniel 2:43 - And whereas thou sawest iron mixed with miry clay, they shall mingle themselves with the seed of men: but they shall not cleave one to another, even as iron is not mixed with clay.





3) Pray for a husband. Really. It is literally all you (and we) can do. If God answer your prayers, then you are a good lady and you deserve a good husband. If not, then you are worthless and you deserve Hell.


Philippians 4:6 - Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.





Read the Bible, do not stalk, pray. It is easy enough, even for a woman.


Even I can understand it and I am 1/16 injun. You know, those winos with casinos? Well, I am not one of those, I am one of those who live the other side of the Wall, a place called "Mexico", but way down to the south of it.


1 Thessalonians 4:16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the TRUMP of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first.

Last edited by Brother Gonzalez; 08-07-2018 at 12:35 PM.
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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-07-2018, 12:24 AM

I'm going to turn in early for the night and pray hard. I need to spend tomorrow re-reading some verses from The Bible as well.
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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-07-2018, 12:31 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleReader2231 View Post
In all honesty, given that the previous offer has been at a standstill, may I ask you Miss Mary for tutelage on how to be a good future wife for my future husband (whoever that may be)? You seem like a nice Christian lady whom Jesus smiles upon more than almost all the other women in the world.
You may ask. The answer is no. While it's true Jesus smiles on me particularly pleasantly, and has blessed me with a smile than can melt the most hardened hearts of the cruellest atheist, I will not enable your mother's slovenly habits by taking up her slack. This job is hers and if she needs help she should pray in faith. If she is a genuine believer, Jesus will answer her prayer with a resounding YES (Matthew 21:22). If not, there's little hope for you anyway as generational curses are likely raining down on you like panties at a Justine Bieber concert.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-07-2018, 02:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
Assuming you're referring to Dolli Moans, I thought she was a married woman? She has certainly referred to a Mr Moans, though I suppose that could be her father.
I believe her to be a widow, though she has lost so many various family members, I could be mistaken.


Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?
1 Corinthians 11:13
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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-07-2018, 02:55 PM

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Originally Posted by BibleReader2231 View Post
I am filling out my application to Landover's local university and wondered if it implements virginity checks. As a virgin myself, I find this value to be extremely important to me and I do not want to be in the same classrooms as liars or cavorting sluts.
Most understandable, Should your application for admittance be accepted, you will be given an appointment for the said examination at the groundsman's bathroom facility next to the boilerhouse. Appointments are usually early evening. Please do not bring friends and relatives - a written report will be issued in the normal manner.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

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Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-07-2018, 08:55 PM

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Originally Posted by Elmer G. White View Post
It is my privilege to inform you that the LBU campus is very progressive. Women may indeed apply. With substantial titheing schedules and permission by a senior household man, obviously. Women can sometimes even gain degrees in household chores, embroidery, macramé and servant discipline.
It is very generous of LBU to offer what sounds like, in effect, some sort of community college for girls who are a bit slow to learn, or whose mothers have failed in their duty to educate them properly (or died before the job was complete). Do you not find that calling their qualification a "degree" makes some of them a bit uppity?

My husband might be interested in sending our daughter Hannah (who will be 10 next month) for a short course in common-sense. She has spent weeks knitting stylish cashmere swimming trunks (featuring the LBC logo) for her three older brothers, never thinking about what would happen to such garments when they became waterlogged in the sea. She has been sent to pray, but - as Matthew says - at least the boys have learned a valuable lesson about women and are revisiting the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 7:26.

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Love Jesus Re: Does the University in Landover do virginity checks? - 08-11-2018, 04:05 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
It is very generous of LBU to offer what sounds like, in effect, some sort of community college for girls who are a bit slow to learn, or whose mothers have failed in their duty to educate them properly (or died before the job was complete). Do you not find that calling their qualification a "degree" makes some of them a bit uppity?

My husband might be interested in sending our daughter Hannah (who will be 10 next month) for a short course in common-sense. She has spent weeks knitting stylish cashmere swimming trunks (featuring the LBC logo) for her three older brothers, never thinking about what would happen to such garments when they became waterlogged in the sea. She has been sent to pray, but - as Matthew says - at least the boys have learned a valuable lesson about women and are revisiting the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 7:26.

YiC
JL-V

Sister,


By any chance do you have photos you can send me (privately?) of the boys in their fine swimwear? I could use these in my ministry, I'm sure. I should also enjoy receiving a pair made just for me, for which I would be more than happy to reimburse your daughter for her time and materials. Pure white would be nice or perhaps a sunshine yellow? These would be used for evangelism in Key West, Provincetown, the south of France, and perhaps my new prison ministry. What do you think is a fair sum?


Please somehow imprint the names of your sons on the photo so I can call them by name as I hold them (um, the photos) in my hand and ask GOD to pour out His Blessings upon them. Nightly,


BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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