[Nobar King]

Claustrophobia.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Never being allowed to clip your toenails. Ever.

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

� They tell you on the first day that you'll get used to the smell. You never do.

� ALL pants in Hell make your ass look big.

� Busy signals! No one in Hell has call waiting.

� Every roll of tape is almost gone, no matter how new it is.

� Acid Rain Forests.

� The coffee is terrible, like 3:00 in the afternoon at a tire store terrible.

� ALL the toll booths are FasTrak/EasyPass, but it's impossible to get those little plastic things that go on your dash.

� Bananas go from bright green to black without turning yellow.

� There's a barely audible, high-pitched buzzing all the time, and nobody can figure out where it's coming from.

[Nobar King]

People don't use bullet points when making lists.

[Petal]

everyone got spinach in thier teeths an big boogers danglin outta thier noses where folk can see . but it be no good to picks your teeths or noses cuz the spinach an boogers reappears again in abouts 2 seconds . i thinks this will be lord Gods revenges on all them environmentil folk lord God say "you wanteds a green planet? here be your greens!"

[Nobar King]

Nights in hell are hot, too:

• The windows are all painted shut.
• If you could open them, the breeze would be hot, anyway.
• You always wake up drenched in sweat.
• What good is a hot tub in hell? "Let's get hotter!" NOT!
• Lighting cigarettes is easy, but they burn really hot.
• Nightclubs in hell are REALLY crowded even if you can get in.
• The celluloid in the movie always burns up, but they never refund you your money.
• Popcorn is too easy to make, so it smells like burned popcorn EVERYWHERE.

[Nobar King]

• Shows never start on the hour, so your VCR always misses the first few minutes, or more importantly, the ending.
• It rains a lot, but it's always acid rain. Your Dr. Martens' boots say 'acid resistant', but not that much acid!
• Half of the people in hell live in mobile homes, and it seems like they all live on your street.
• Too many crows (they're really big, and they're really noisy).
• Paint dries too fast.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

You get a regular assignment to photocopy a multipage document to a deadline,

(i) All recipients (there are never less than 20) receive a different number of annexes.
(ii) If you use duplex, the photocopier randomly drags through 2 pages together
(iii) The photocopier randomly runs out of toner
(iv) Jammed paper is always at the most inaccessible part
(v) Pulling out jammed paper always leaves little bits that you don’t notice first time and it jams again.
(vi) Odd pages come out at in very large or microscopic print
(vii) You touch a button that reconfigures something and you can’t get back to normal.
(viii) The paper tray holds fewer sheets than you need.

[Nobar King]

• Vinyl on the car seat is always really hot, and you always wear shorts.
• Lawn care is next to impossible. Plus, the high cost of water and rapid evaporation adds to the expense. Watering at night attracts ants.
• Always feels like having a hair dryer jammed up your nose. Bloody noses are so common that the rate of blindness has jumped due to so many people walking around with their heads back to stop the bleeding and accidentally looking into the sun.
• When you go to the dentist, their novocaine is really weak, like they import it from Cuba, or somewhere. That either means lots of shots, or your dental work hurts.
• Wax candles are no longer available. They melt too fast.
• Oil lamps are now very popular: lots of soot on the ceiling, and you always have to worry about the neighbor burning the house down.
• Firetrucks are always late and don't carry any water.
• That's why they're called firetrucks.

[WickedWitch]

• Everybody has the dumbest questions to ask, and they all ask you.
• Any time anything breaks down or doesn't work properly in any way, you're expected to fix it.
• When you have a question to ask, especially if it's not a stupid one, you have to fill out tonnes of paperwork, send it in to god only knows where, and then wait weeks for a response telling you that you've filled out the wrong paperwork and must complete the process again.
• When something of yours breaks down or doesn't work properly there's never anyone around who can fix it.

[Nobar King]

If you go on vacation in hell you will find:

• Too much sand on the beach.
• The soup is too thick or too strong.
• There is no topless sunbathing
• The Ray-Bans that you buy on the street are always fake. They're not even glass.
• The fish tend to nibble at the toes, making swimming uncomfortable.
• If you ask for two single beds you will get one queen sized bed. Make sure you have condoms.
• "You thought your room would be bigger???"
• Trainee hairdressers on the premises.
• The Maitre'D always speaks Spanish.
• Like I said, there's too much sand, but it's not white, like the brochure. It's a pale yellow color.
• It takes a long time to wait in line to get into ANY air-conditioned area, like the bar or the restaurant.
• There are noisy and unruly guests. What do you expect? This is hell.
• Mosquitos everywhere.
• There's nowhere to buy a proper biscuit or custard-creme or ginger-nuts.
• Whatever you want is never available during 'siesta-time', which seems to happen all the time.
• Curried potatoes at every meal.
• Water parks are all clothing optional. Actually, there are no water parks in hell. Oh, well...

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

• The car in front of you at all drive-thrus in Hell is always ordering for their whole office, and they all have special requests.

• All the coke machines say "EXACT CHANGE ONLY" all the time, and there are no change machines in Hell.

• There is one grocery store in all of Hell. There are two checkers. The Express Lane is 10,000,000,000 items or less.

• On Hell TV, they are CONSTANTLY talking about the change over to DTV, but it never happens.

• No one uses their turn signals, ever.

• Trash pick-up is weekly, but on random days.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Getting around hell:

• All of the freeway entrances have no visibility and no merge lanes. Most of them are on the left.
• Signs are never posted far enough in advance that you can actually do anything about what's on them.
• Route numbers follow no geographic order and are changed every so often.
• On the surface streets, the buildings all look alike and never display their building numbers.
• Each Metro station has one working farecard machine. At the head of the line is a tourist paying for a day pass with pennies.
• As you are rushing to catch the Metro, tourists will stop right on front of the doors and argue about which train they should take.
• The buses are timed so that by the time you walk from the Metro station to the bus stop, the bus has just left.
• Hell's most fabulous nightclub doesn't get started until the Metro has closed, and the closest parking is in a really scary neighborhood a mile away. Of course, everyone else gets there the same way, and there are no designated drivers, so at closing, the roads fill up with drunks.

[JennyD]

Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters

Getting around hell:

• All of the freeway entrances have no visibility and no merge lanes. Most of them are on the left.
• Signs are never posted far enough in advance that you can actually do anything about what's on them.
• Route numbers follow no geographic order and are changed every so often.
• On the surface streets, the buildings all look alike and never display their building numbers.
• Each Metro station has one working farecard machine. At the head of the line is a tourist paying for a day pass with pennies.
• As you are rushing to catch the Metro, tourists will stop right on front of the doors and argue about which train they should take.
• The buses are timed so that by the time you walk from the Metro station to the bus stop, the bus has just left.
• Hell's most fabulous nightclub doesn't get started until the Metro has closed, and the closest parking is in a really scary neighborhood a mile away. Of course, everyone else gets there the same way, and there are no designated drivers, so at closing, the roads fill up with drunks.

Pastor, are you sure you're not describing Washington, DC?

[Brother Temperance]

You can leave Hell whenever you want, because there's regular trains to Heaven every half-hour. But when you get to the platform, there's continual announcements that your train will be delayed for another five minutes because of the wrong kind of sulphur on the line.

[Nobar King]

• Sleep is often disrupted by the homeless collecting recycling at night from your bins.
• Can't sleep in because for some reason the garbage truck comes every morning.
• Nothing on TV that early besides C-SPAN and the 700 club.
• Getting out of bed gets harder every year. Joints get stiffer and the motivation just isn't there, any more.
• Don't look as good as you did when you were young.
• Shaving is tough with an old razor.
• The sink is full of dishes, but they're always someone else's.
• Air in the pipes. And rust. Hard water tastes funny.
• Toast always lands face down when you drop it.
• Blackberry seeds get stuck in your teeth and you can't get them out.
• Garage door often closes by itself as you back the car out of the garage, scraping the hood.
• Traffic is common, and the sun always seems to be in your eyes.
• Did I mention the lines for gas, yet? Why haven't they made a car that runs on sulphur?
• Work is always backed up. I feel like Sisyphus. Can I get a break? No?
• Football games are always blacked out. Hockey is lame without ice.
• In hell you have to get your own food. The waiters never get around to helping you.

[Noah Dint]

Originally Posted by Nobar King

• Sleep is often disrupted by the homeless collecting recycling at night from your bins.
• Can't sleep in because for some reason the garbage truck comes every morning.
• Nothing on TV that early besides C-SPAN and the 700 club.
• Getting out of bed gets harder every year. Joints get stiffer and the motivation just isn't there, any more.
• Don't look as good as you did when you were young.
• Shaving is tough with an old razor.
• The sink is full of dishes, but they're always someone else's.
• Air in the pipes. And rust. Hard water tastes funny.
• Toast always lands face down when you drop it.
• Blackberry seeds get stuck in your teeth and you can't get them out.
• Garage door often closes by itself as you back the car out of the garage, scraping the hood.
• Traffic is common, and the sun always seems to be in your eyes.
• Did I mention the lines for gas, yet? Why haven't they made a car that runs on sulphur?
• Work is always backed up. I feel like Sisyphus. Can I get a break? No?
• Football games are always blacked out. Hockey is lame without ice.
• In hell you have to get your own food. The waiters never get around to helping you.

Ummmmmm Brother Nobar I believe that you are simply describing how daily life is for many folks.

[Ih8NonXtianStuff]

In hell....

Someone in the movies always pours soda onto your head and rubs it in saying they're washing your hair.

Every time you go to a local swimming pool there is a group of douche bag teenage kids in the shower throwing toilet paper around and waving their tallywhackers at people.

In the movie theater, there are always a group of kids who laugh for 5mins at each of the cheesy lame jokes and block out the good parts with their laughter.

Scrap the last one, there are no good parts in the movies, they're all boring.

Every time you are trying to eat in a restaurant there is always a Muslim family behind you. If that wasn't bad enough, the always have a baby crying and never even try to shut the piece of shit up. Then, when you politely tell them you want their baby quite, they speak to you in their language rather than Engli- I mean, American.

Jehovah's witness' enough said.

The neighbors dog crap in your garden and when ever you complain they try to calm you down with a cheesy sing-song.

Every time you're on your way to work, a co-worker from work comes up to you and greats you with a "Heeeeey buddy!," then three light punches on the arm, then he tries talking to you about how great life down here is.

Every time you meet a nice girl it turns out she is into dodgy bondage sort of crap.

Every time you go to a store to buy something, the cashier refuses to sell your product and just talks to you about your day.

Every time you get on an elevator there is always some else in there who farts and blames it on you.

Little children always ride there tricycles over your foot and then giggle and follow you around telling you poop jokes.

I don't wanna go to hell thank god I am Christian!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

BUGS, BUGS and more freaking BUGS!

[Nobar King]

In hell, everyone's a tourist.