Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow. |
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Ex-hero, almost honorably discharged
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My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-11-2009, 06:36 PM
So I have this friend who just got married and is ready to start showing the seeds of tomorrows Christian soldiers. He just gave me a very detailed after action report from his baptism of fire. He needs advice.
The operational situation is that he has to reach the objective under a very limited timeframe. The tactical situation is that he's finding it tough going while trying to infiltrate hostile terrain (I'm just trying to keep this from being R-rated, sorry), anyway, he figures the best tactic is to "prepare the battlefield". The idea being that with enough bombardment from the, er , secondary weapon, the targets will pop up out of hiding, making them easier to engage.
So far the target has remained under cover. He's tried probing reconnacence with his secondary weapon, but it worried of collateral damage (uh, I'm going to have to be explicit - he's afraid the his teeth are hurting her).
Now, other men have told him that with a sustained bombardment of sufficient intensity, remembering to keep up diversionary operations at various targets of opportunity, and with sufficient momentum with enemy front will crack, resulting in an opening in the enemy front which can then be exploited to the hilt. However, currently when he tries to penetrate the enemy front, he can capture some ground initially, but there are again complaints of collateral damage (I'm going to be explicit - he thinks the friendly fire is hitting the USS Cervix). And while he's flattered by complaints that he's armed with a primary weapon of disproportionate force , OPFOR obviously has tactical experience with weaponry of equal and even superior caliber and range.
Now, I've told him for a greenhorn his combat efficiency is commendable, and that with a few more battles he will be a ruthless veteran. He still thinks though, that maybe he's attacking along the wrong front, and maybe defenses will be softer if he tries a stretgic redeployment to focus on her allies, which would result in the more open terrain of MOUT (Military Operations In Urban Terrain).
Uh, but that's a whole different story. Please help me help him.
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Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-11-2009, 06:51 PM
Sister Glendora is good with this sort of advice. I don't think she speaks military though. Is there some way you could use cooking ephemisms?
Quote:
more open terrain of MOUT
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Cities are not open terrain. I'm confused.
Your friend's focus on the "secondary weapon" (which is NOT a weapon, God intended it as a logistical and communication device ONLY!) as well as his wimpy concern about collateral damage and friendly fire suggests that he is not properly saved™.
Quick, what is this heathen's name?
Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
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Ex-hero, almost honorably discharged
True Christian™
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Posts: 717
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Somebody's couch
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-11-2009, 06:52 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond
Quick, what is this heathen's name?
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Trevor. He does to harvard. You don't know him.
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Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-11-2009, 07:09 PM
This video (it's a little racy, so please watch it in private) is a popular guide to all you need to know.
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Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-11-2009, 07:31 PM
Oh, URBAN terrain! As in, JUNGLE terrain!
Pull out! Don't get quagmired! Pull out!
(They're not kidding when they say "once you go MOUT, you'll never get out).
Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
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Did I use a new word you've never heard? Definitions here. | Vote! Everything you need to vote here!
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Ex-hero, almost honorably discharged
True Christian™
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Posts: 717
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-12-2009, 05:05 AM
Jeb, it's nice to know that SOMEONE understands what the heck I'm talking about. So what's your advice? You've had, what, 8 wives by now? Trev is just on his first!
Trev wants to resume the offensive, but without better training, he'll just lose the initiative to enemy counterattacks again. Now, he likes counterattacks just fine, but this OPFOR's counterattacks are filled with antitank obsticals (ie dragon's teeth) and he's thinking, "man back when I was more flexiable I could give MYSELF better counterattacks than that.
No, don't advise me to do more situps, I'm way ahead of you.
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The Godliest Man in Godless Canuckistan
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-12-2009, 05:42 AM
What's all this gobblygook?
This is simple stuff. First, knee her in the box (It don't hurt them like it does us)
Then toss her on the bed and go spelunking in her cave. After 10 or 20 seconds, leave a love offering behind. That's all they want.
You're overthinking and over metaphorising this.
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Forum Member
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Location: looking out the window of my Double wide
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-12-2009, 05:43 AM
Having been an ex slut,and having been around the block more than a few times .All I can say is what the heck are you talking about? The act of making whoopee as you call it comes natural.She does not have any thing that will bite you!
And lets be honest you don't have a friend it's you we are talking about.I suggest you PM Emil he might give you a few pointers.
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-12-2009, 01:46 PM
I'll tell you how: Tell your "Friend" to GET HIS ASS BACK TO IRAQ, WHERE IT BELONGS and it will be no problem, even with feMales over there being DoG ugly. Because their faces are all covered-up anyway
So that your "Friend" won't even need an American Flag to put over one - not that you are likely to have any on hand anyway
There, "Soldier" - Got it?!
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struggling to make sense for Jesus
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Location: Just the other side of the tracks from Freehold, Iowa.
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-12-2009, 03:06 PM
Trent I cant for the life a me see why you bring something like this here. This oughta be in the Men's Only area! Dang boy! Use your head for something other than a chimney sweeper. Least we can talk there!
And what in the world gave your friend the idea that asking you for advice would be a good idea? You aint given him any advice yet so hes gotta know your digging for it somewhere else besides your own head. That probly means hes digging somewhere else for it by now. Dang fool Trent. Aint got sense enough to pour piss out a your own boot I reckon.
GOT DEMONS? WE CAN HELP! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT THEM ALONE! JESUS WANTS YOU TO BE RID OF THEM ONCE AND FOR ALL! YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO IT ALONE! LET US HELP YOU RIGHT AWAY!
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-12-2009, 05:24 PM
I shouldn't really be answering this (forgive me Jesus), but here goes.
Taking a S.W.A.G. Your friend sounds like a T.U.R.D. who is L.O.S.T.
What he needs is some S.H.I.T. so he can achieve some I&I.
His Lady friend needs to be aware of B.O.H.I.C.A. and all will be G2G
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 6
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: In the heart of God
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-13-2009, 01:14 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Avatar
What's all this gobblygook?
This is simple stuff. First, knee her in the box (It don't hurt them like it does us)
Then toss her on the bed and go spelunking in her cave. After 10 or 20 seconds, leave a love offering behind. That's all they want.
You're overthinking and over metaphorising this.
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Am I the only person disgusted by this?!?!
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Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
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Posts: 6,639
Join Date: Jun 2007
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-13-2009, 01:34 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crusader Gator
Am I the only person disgusted by this?!?!
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It's not exactly the Song of Solomon, I'll grant. This has me thinking, a guide to euphemisms in the Song of Solomon would help us communicate on these sorts of things without it resulting in confusion or indecency.
I would write it now, but I'm tired, and it's frustrating to start something you can't finish that night.
Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
Got Questions? See Frequently Asked Questions, or use Forum Search, tag system, or our guides on Geography, History, Science, Comparative Religion, Civics, and Current Events.
Did I use a new word you've never heard? Definitions here. | Vote! Everything you need to vote here!
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 6
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Location: In the heart of God
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Re: My friend needs advice on how to make whoopee -
11-13-2009, 02:25 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond
It's not exactly the Song of Solomon, I'll grant. This has me thinking, a guide to euphemisms in the Song of Solomon would help us communicate on these sorts of things without it resulting in confusion or indecency.
I would write it now, but I'm tired, and it's frustrating to start something you can't finish that night.
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Sorry I went overboard, but that kind of stuff is for the bedroom and God.
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