[Ezekiel Bathfire]

The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge!

Several of the Pastors who are my age remember the great and lasting pleasure that this simple challenge brought in their childhood years and so it has been agreed that it will be re-introduced

All literate children up to the age of 10 years old may enter. The rules are simple.

1. The child must, in secret, create a list of things they want from Santa, and a separate secret list of things they want from Jesus.
2. The child must then go somewhere where they can be alone and read out the list.
3. A copy of the list and the $50 entrance fee* should then be placed with the duty Pastor.
4. The Santa list should start with “Dear Santa” and end politely “Thank you <insert name of child>.”
5. The Jesus list should start with “Dear Jesus” and end politely “Hear my prayer <insert name of child>.”
6. Both lists should contain items available in the mall or online that also comply with

Matthew 6:19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

7. On Christmas Day, the child should compare his copy of both lists with what he has actually received, and then send the results to the duty Pastor.

For example, the lack of an iPhone 9 from the Santa list will show that Santa is not real, whereas the lack of an iPhone 9 from Jesus will merely mean that parental Christian instruction has been woefully inadequate.

A lack of “Humility” from the Santa list will show that Santa is not real, whereas a lack of “Humility” from Jesus will demonstrate (i) that Jesus has said “Yes” but is waiting until the child can fully comprehend its meaning, or (ii) that humility has been granted but “in secret” or (iii) that parental Christian instruction has been woefully inadequate.

8. The results of the Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge (and your child’s position within that challenge) will be announced on Dec. 31st at all main Services.

The New Year will begin with an opportunity for failing parents who wish to remain members of the congregation to join the “Christian Parenting Classes”. The fees are “to be announced” but will be broadly in line with the actual costs.


*To go to good causes as defined in but not restricted to paragraphs 2278 – 4490 of the Church’s Constitution (as amended) where applicable and where State or National Law allows.

[Santa Claus]

Ho ho ho! It's Santa here! Bathy-boy, what a challenge! You are having a bit of a tantrum, aren't you sweet baby boy! The premise for your challenge is false. You presume that I would deliver whatever a child asks me to. I don't. I deliver according to works, being nice or naughty. The algorithm to calculate the intricate balance between these two extremes determines what the child will receive. It might be an iPhone but it might be something much more fun and eventually nicer. I deliver what you need, not necessarily what you crave.



Of course, regarding your challenge you'll be able to obtain any predetermined result that you're craving for. As for your naughtiness level, I'd be careful if I were you, Ezzie-babyboy, my verbose manchild! You don't have to believe in me, I can still watch you and at the moment what you're gonna get is...

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Ho ho ho! It's Santa here! Bathy-boy, what a challenge! You are having a bit of a tantrum, aren't you sweet baby boy!

If that is how you see "Speaking God's Word" the so be it! The Lord and I take another view.

The premise for your challenge is false. You presume that I would deliver whatever a child asks me to. I don't. I deliver according to works,

A Catlick, eh?

being nice or naughty.

Judge not lest ye be judged! (I'd ask you if that rang a bell, but as you are one of the pope's minions, and the Bible is a closed book to you, it won't!)

The algorithm

Algorithm? Algorithm? I thought all of those were drowned in the flood along with dinosaurs!

It might be an iPhone but it might be something much more fun and eventually nicer. I deliver what you need, not necessarily what you crave.

Oh so you're the one who gave those cans to my brother back in '52! Let me tell you that they cut his ear open, sepsis set in and he was known as "One-eared Hezekiah" from then on! Damn well ruined his life you did! Hope you're pleased with yourself!

Of course, regarding your challenge you'll be able to obtain any predetermined result that you're craving for. As for your naughtiness level, I'd be careful if I were you, Ezzie-babyboy, my verbose manchild! You don't have to believe in me, I can still watch you and at the moment what you're gonna get is...

Coal? I own a mine of the stuff! Well, at least you reject the Socialist propaganda of Global Warming - perhaps you're not beyond Salvation.


One more thing while you're there! Where're you getting all you cheap presents? China? Wait until Mr Trump's tariffs bite. Buy American! A sack of coal is a practical present for anyone!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire

Oh so you're the one who gave those cans to my brother back in '52! Let me tell you that they cut his ear open, sepsis set in and he was known as "One-eared Hezekiah" from then on! Damn well ruined his life you did! Hope you're pleased with yourself!

One more thing while you're there! Where're you getting all you cheap presents? China? Wait until Mr Trump's tariffs bite. Buy American! A sack of coal is a practical present for anyone!

Ezzie boy! Of course it was I who gave that awesome present to Hezzie! But, as your lot tends to say - guns don't kill, people do. Similarly, my nice plastic deliveries do not harm, incompetent naughty kids do! I've been wondering how come your folks did not pray for young Hezzie's ear to be healed or did they but weren't answered? Or was the answer "no"? You also need to grow up, young boy, you've only barely started to grow a beard!

Anyway, I have a challenge to you!

I know the Bible and, at the end, the authors gives the impression that the adventures of the protagonist would soon continue. Well, we've been expecting the sequel for a couple of millennia and it's always gonna be "next year" or the "one after that". Here's the challenge: I promise to visit many many homes at Christmas as my umpteenth coming. If anyone sees me and takes a photo, I win. If Jesus comes back with as reliable evidence, you win. In that case, I'll deliver you a hot garden bath over fire!



Ho ho ho! Darling boy, ain't he cute when he's angry or having an emotional outburst, just like his great-granddad all those years ago in Bath, Good ol' England, where he was in the fire brigade and managed t

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Ezzie boy! Of course it was I who gave that awesome present to Hezzie! But, as your lot tends to say - guns don't kill, people do. Similarly, my nice plastic deliveries do not harm, incompetent naughty kids do!

The NRA run gun safety courses – give me the address of your “tin-can telephone” safety course, y’ old psychopath!

I've been wondering how come your folks did not pray for young Hezzie's ear to be healed or did they but weren't answered?

Crack open your Bible sometime! When Jesus did the miracle of the chopped off ear, it was a clean cut! I’ve done that a few times myself. Poor Hezekiah’s ear went a yellowish, greenish color and was cut off by my father as the demon infestation didn’t warrant the effort and expense of an exorcism!

I can still hear his screams as the demons were removed with his ear. I think you’ve ruined the peace of Christmas for me!

Anyway, I have a challenge to you!

I know the Bible and, at the end, the authors gives the impression that the adventures of the protagonist would soon continue. Well, we've been expecting the sequel for a couple of millennia and it's always gonna be "next year" or the "one after that". Here's the challenge: I promise to visit many many homes at Christmas as my umpteenth coming. If anyone sees me and takes a photo, I win. If Jesus comes back with as reliable evidence, you win. In that case, I'll deliver you a hot garden bath over fire!

You have a strange view of Christianity. If Jesus says He’s coming back, then He’s coming back. Unlike the slew of other, so-called gods and heroes who “say” they’ll come back Jesus has done it once before so there’s no technical problems.

There is, I admit, one theological problem: “Jesus will come back like a thief in the night”, i.e. when we least expect it. There are 7 billion of us on this planet, and if everyone thought He would come back on different days, then He couldn’t come back on any of those days, this would delay His return for about 20 million years – a situation that cannot be tolerated.

Back in the day (IIRC it was in 1949) Lamentations Flint ordered every date from that date until 2500 to be written on a piece of paper. All the pieces were put in a huge box in a very dark room. Lamentations Flint went into the room, delved into the box under the inspiration of God, and took one date from them all. He placed the piece of paper with the date into a small box and locked it. The huge box and its contents were then burned and the box place in the moist secure safe in the most secure vault at Landover Church.

That is the date upon which Jesus will return. But nobody knows it.

Your photo idea is stupid: I saw a Darkie last year dressed as you – nobody goes around dressed as Jesus.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire

Back in the day (IIRC it was in 1949) Lamentations Flint ordered every date from that date until 2500 to be written on a piece of paper. All the pieces were put in a huge box in a very dark room. Lamentations Flint went into the room, delved into the box under the inspiration of God, and took one date from them all. He placed the piece of paper with the date into a small box and locked it. The huge box and its contents were then burned and the box place in the moist secure safe in the most secure vault at Landover Church.

That is the date upon which Jesus will return. But nobody knows it.

Bathy darling,
It was 1948. I do remember it correctly. You have just the tiniest touch of old Alzies, don't you? And it was I who gave him both the big box and the small box but it was Jesus who gave the smallpox to those members of the household that had neglected the vaccinations and also managed to avoid the bovine intimacy that would have given them the protection of the cowpox. Considering the many, many interactions between cattle and the Flint household young men that was still surprisingly many. Those were the days. Happy memories.

Anyway. The small box. I manufactured it, delivered it and I always always have spare keys in case there's desperate customer feedback. I asked one of my elfs to look into the box.

I am sorry to tell you that the date - unsurprisingly - has expired.

Eze-muffin. There was never any challenge. There's lots more actual material tangible evidence about me than about Jesus. I know that your lot is high on eyewitness testimony. I have billions. Jesus has hearsay and expired appeals to authority that you call the Book. My evidence is in every single tacky piece of plastic action figures and household appliances and unmentionably transparent lingerie and every single package soon to be delivered. I know that this is bad news to you and I am merciful. Here's an extra gift en attendant someone else who could wipe your tears.



Ho ho ho!