Hello fellow True Christians! As most of you know, it's been a busy week for me here in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, with my friend's grand opening of the
Teen Tits Nightclub and me having to greet arriving Republican colleagues and scheduling private prayer sessions in the massage rooms so as to spread the word of Jesus Christ. Indeed, those were just the words of
Senator David Vitter, as he stumbled out of the back room in his adult diaper mumbling "Jesus Christ, Fred, where do you find these girls? That last one could suck a tennis ball through a garden hose!"
Pampers, official diaper of the GOP
It was a great week of witnessing, but frankly I'm glad it's over with. Everyone has left, giving the ladies a badly needed break, at least until Labor Day when Congress has a long weekend and we've got a 3-day "Pray the gay away" revival meeting sponsored by Michelle Bachmann's husband. The charter flights from Washington DC are already fully booked for that event!
But onward to the topic at hand. I keep hearing about this massive drought occurring in California, how it's getting worse, and is threatening my company's lucrative agricultural investments. Well, it's certainly a concern! And it's not just California either - let's take a look at the map...
There are several things on this map that just jump right out at you. First of all, California is the worst-hit state, and you hardly have to guess why: it's controlled by Democrats. Liberals in Hollywood, fags in San Francisco, abortionists all over the map - it's a wonder the Lord hasn't already sent that modern-day Gomorrah straight to Hell in an earthquake.
Also, take a close look at Texas. True, part of that Godly state is being hard hit by the drought, but the devil's in the details. Worst drought areas are up north in the Texas panhandle, which is right on the Messican border. Obviously the Lord wants to punish the beaners, who have thoroughly infiltrated that area. Meanwhile, over in Godly Houston where all the American oil companies have their headquarters, there is no drought at all.
Finally, you'll notice that in Alaska, there is no shortage of rainfall. Truly, Jesus looks down in favor on the home of Sarah Palin.
But the big question that should worry us all - what negative effects might this drought have on agriculture? As the largest supplier of edible products in America, we at Uranus are vitally concerned by anything that could impact the food supply and thus the quality of life for your family. It's easy to forget that famine threatens the whole planet. Did you know that there are countries in Africa where children go to bed at night without dessert, let alone an iPhone or a student loan? It's too horrible to think about.
Fortunately, as Dick Cheney's speechwriter once said, "The American way of life is non-negotiable." Thus, I would like to assure all of you that even though crops are wilting in California and dairy cows are dying like flies, the food shelves at Wal-Mart will remain fully stocked with delicious treats for your kids! My company personally guarantees that your favorite ice cream, taco chips and other health foods will continue to be available to American consumers at everyday low prices, even if it never rains again!
"How," you ask, "do we do it?" Well, some of our methods are trade secrets. But we got a hint last week when a mom discovered that after accidentally leaving a Wal-Mart
Great Value ice cream sandwich out on the table in 80-plus degrees heat,
it didn't melt.
Well, the fact is that we eliminated real cream from our ice cream products last year, when we moved the factory to Shanghai. Although labor is way cheaper over there in Chinkland, we found that we were spending too much money on keeping the ice cream frozen while it was shipped across the Pacific Ocean in containers. If we could just make an ice cream sandwich that wouldn't melt, we could save a bundle on the refrigeration cost, which in turn saves energy. Thus, we would be protecting the environment, qualifying for an
Energy Star rating and eligible to receive more government subsidies while burnishing our green credentials. In other words, it's a win-win for our company and consumers!
So, I put my technical people to work on the problem. In less than a week, they came up with a new formula for
Great Value ice cream which contains no diary products at all. This has an added advantage for people with a milk allergy, so it's a win-win-win! Chief ingredients are used motor oil, styrofoam, air bubbles, sewage sludge, artificial coloring and flavoring.
Great Value - sand won't stick to it if you drop it at the beach!
To be honest, we first got this idea from the Japs. I was over there in Nipland a few years ago during the Fukushima thingie, supervising the cover-up of my company's shoddy construction that lead to the meltdown, and I noticed that in almost all their restaurants they've got realistic-looking models of the food on the menu.
Those models look scrumptious, just as good as the real thing. And then I got to thinking, hey, why not just improve the flavor of the plastic models and dispense with the food? No food spoilage, no need for refrigeration, plus we get "carbon credits" from the commie EU for recycling used motor oil!
So my technical people got right on it, and our success is there for all to see. Looks like a win-win-win-win all around!