THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS! Open for the CHRISTmas Season only. |
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The Truest Christian™
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Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
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Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 02:05 AM
When I came to your 6,000 year-old earth in the form of a human baby born in a barn to grow up and sacrifice myself to save you from the judgment I and your Heavenly Father would pass on you for sins you wouldn't commit until some 2,000 years after my resurrection, I knew it was worth it. I knew this, because I am GOD ALMIGHTY, and see the beginning to the end, and back again.
As I lay in the manger, smelling the odor of livestock on the cold winter air, I thought of my home back in Heaven. I was only a few hours old, but already I missed the sound of singing angels. But I would not change my mind about this decision, as I did on a previous occasion when I repented that I made mankind.
I grew up as the son of a carpenter. Some may think it sorely ironic that I, the son of a carpenter, should grow up to be nailed to a piece of wood, but to revel in any form of irony would be to miss the point entirely.
That point is that you should never, ever forget my birthday, and never, ever forget to feel grateful that I chose to spare you rather than to cast you into HELL, on the condition that you obey my every word.
You are lucky to be alive. You are lucky to have a savior like me. I and my Father, GOD, could easily send a global disaster to wipe you and your pathetic species off the face of the world forever, the way my Earthly father used to flick the sweat from his brow as he worked. We did this once. We liked it, but we like your dutiful obedience more.
Don't forget that I am the only thing that makes your life worth living.
Don't forget my birthday.
Quote:
If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.
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- Me, in John 15:6
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,451
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 02:09 AM
But what have you done for us lately?
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 02:22 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much
But what have you done for us lately?
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Shut your blasphemous trap you filthy degenerate! HOW DARE YOU speak to the Savior of the world that way!?
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 03:27 AM
JESUS!
God Bless you JESUS!
I hope you have a happy birthday and a very Merry Christmas!
P/S: Thank you for dying for me, then coming
back to life and dying again!
I can't wait to see you in
HEAVEN!
GLORY!
I Lve you
JESUS!
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,980
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: San Francisco, California
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 03:54 AM
My Lord, responding to Your post is the greatest privilege of my life, and I am not ashamed to admit I have wet myself.
You knew that already, but some of the other people here probably hadn't guessed.
There is so much I want to ask You, I don't even know where to begin! Therefore, I will start with the easy stuff, a grammatical point which just now occurred to me.
As You well know, I am a real stickler for people capitalizing any pronoun, such as "he" or "him" when it refers to You.
Therefore, I was a bit thrown for a loop when I noticed just now that You had not capitalized the plural possessive pronoun in reference to Your majestic self:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus
We liked it, but we like your dutiful obedience more.
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As the author of all languages, You are naturally incapable of grammatical error, and I'm sure You wouldn't do anything to offend Yourself, but if I were ever to quote Your sweet words, might it not be appropriate for me to capitalize said plural possessive pronoun? I would envision myself typing the quote thusly:
"We liked it, but We like your dutiful obedience more."
Thank You in advance for Your guidance in this and all matters,
Yours in You,
FM
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
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Forum Member
Forum Member
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Posts: 728
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Manalapan, FL
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 04:12 AM
Hello Jesus. You are very lucky to have your birthday on Christmas. Mine is on the day the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor.
Thank you.
Rusty
Psalms 116:6 The LORD preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me.
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,451
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 04:22 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
Shut your blasphemous trap you filthy degenerate! HOW DARE YOU speak to the Savior of the world that way!?
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Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
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The Truest Christian™
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Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 04:27 AM
I could never be friends with someone who doesn't believe in me.
While I yet talked to the people, behold, my mother and my brethren stood without, desiring to speak with me.
Then one said unto me, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee.
But I answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?
And I stretched forth my hand toward my disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!
For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.
Please stop offending me or I will burn you forever in hell.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,364
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 04:29 AM
I am very honored to reply to You. The fact that You have registered and wrote a comment here is the ultimate evidence that Landover Baptist Church is the ONLY True Christian™ church in the world, what other church can claim that You are a member of their forum?! Exactly, no one! We usually ask new members to introduce themselves, but You are one big exception of that policy, cause You are Jesus and you can do as You want, anyone who even dares to criticize You has to be evil beyond belief. We will not forget Your birthday, hope You enjoyed all Your presents!
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Moderator Arms Dealer for CHRIST Hands folded for Jesus
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Posts: 5,251
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: On the Straight and Narrow (Earthly location: Freehold, Iowa)
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 05:00 AM
Atheists, I now ask you: What will you do now that the LORD JESUS HIMSELF has appeared before us and proven His own existence?
What will you do?
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Family Man of the Year 2010-2013 About as Straight and Manly as you can get Hates anal sex. And trees.
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,323
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Protecting my children from homosexuals
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 05:00 AM
Lord, is this another of your miracles, or is there internet in Heaven?
The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 05:18 AM
Jesus has been posting on this forum for years. It's His favorite.
And the Holy Ghost haunts these threads as well.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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PHD - Theophysicist Saving The Lost With The Truth Of Applied Theoscience
True Christian™
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Posts: 3,087
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In the Lamb's book of life
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 06:00 AM
Happy birthday, Lord! It's an honor to have You visit this forum.
It's a pity You can't really eat this cake. You'd have to come back to earth. (Hint! Hint!)
| Mt 21:42, 44 Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes . . . ? And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.
Find out what the Bible says about: Fortnite: Battle Royale, asexuality, shaving, psychiatry, chronic fatigue syndrome, babies |
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A young lady servicing the Lord
True Christian™
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Posts: 580
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: San Jose, Califonia
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 08:02 AM
OMG!!!
I can't even believe this, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!
It's really you! I totally cannot even catch my breath! Oh wow, this is just too much. I have to calm down. OK, just breathe Tammi. Wow, I mean seriously, JESUS RIGHT HERE on our forum and on CHRISTMAS and everything.
I won't even bug you Lord but I just want to say that I completely and totally love you and I think that it is ssoooooooooooo great that you died for us and everything, and gosh, that we get to like, live with you in Heaven forever after we die, that is just ssoooooooooo amazing of you, seriously!
So like I said, I won't bug you any more, but thanks for posting, I mean you must be ssooooooo busy on your b-day, you totally didn't even have to do this, but it's really super great that you did, so thanks again! You're just the AWESOMEST!!!
Tammi
He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he. Deuteronomy 32-4
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Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
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Posts: 9,051
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 09:18 AM
Hi O Lord!
Gosh I'm just your biggest fan! I've got all of your book and think you did a bang up job taking our disgusting sins inside of you as you hung semi naked on the cross, there.
Good for you O Lord!
When does the Armageddon start? I can't wait!
Bless you, Jesus!
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Family Man of the Year 2010-2013 About as Straight and Manly as you can get Hates anal sex. And trees.
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,323
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Protecting my children from homosexuals
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 09:57 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
Jesus has been posting on this forum for years. It's His favorite.
And the Holy Ghost haunts these threads as well.
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Ooh, the Holy Ghost. I'll bet those posts are inspiring.
I couldn't help but notice that Christ has such a low post count (no offense, Lord). Does this mean that some of them have been unapproved, so that we do not rob the faithless of their freedom to burn in Hell? For example, if Christ revealed something that only He would know, such as His sandal size, that would remove all doubt of His existence, and the unsaved trash would have NO CHOICE but to believe then. That wouldn't be very loving to force people to believe with too much evidence.
The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!
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Recovering Bastard Head of Landover Glee Club
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,363
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Opening doors for little old ladies, helping the blind to see.
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 10:53 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much
But what have you done for us lately?
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You worthless piece of garbage! I swear if I ever meet you God Help Me from doing the work of the righteous.
You should get down on your KNEES and thank the LORD GOD every day for secular laws, my most vile friend.
The vine is dried up, and the fig tree languisheth; the pomegranate tree, the palm tree also, and the apple tree, even all the trees of the field, are withered: because joy is withered away from the sons of men.~Joel 1:12
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 11:09 AM
Happy Birthday Jesus.
Thank you for not killing me this year. PRAISE YOU.
I bought you some new sandals, just the way you like them, and guaranteed not made by a slant.
Hope you like them
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
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Posts: 22,727
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 11:20 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins
For example, if Christ revealed something that only He would know, such as His sandal size, that would remove all doubt of His existence,
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Dear Damned One, we know the sandal size of Our Saviour - it is "Perfect".
(You know He will forgive you if you seek Him out, don't you?)
PS
Dear Lord, thank you for posting Your Message of Hope and Love - do you think you could get around to cursing the oak tree in my neighbor's garden as it is blocking the light to my pool.
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Family Man of the Year 2010-2013 About as Straight and Manly as you can get Hates anal sex. And trees.
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,323
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Protecting my children from homosexuals
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 11:21 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins
something that only He would know, such as His sandal size,
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha
I bought you some new sandals, just the way you like them,
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I see I have been going to the wrong Christmas parties.
The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!
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